Thursday, 21 March 2019

Just like that

it's over.

All the trust, the love, the cuddles.

After reuniting at his request after a short break, being given flowers and told how lucky was to have me and that he loved me so much. After telling his dad he wanted to be with me, his dad welcoming me to the family, after talking about rings and babies. He called it off. In the car. A week after telling me the above.

I am totally broken. I love him completely. I love his family and being part of it. It hurts so much. As much as when my dad and sister died, more, because he is telling me he doesn't love me anymore romantically. He had a choice, he got to make that choice. I've cried in front of him, embarrassed myself. Begged. I feel so embarrassed, I hate that I am reduced to this, I am embarrassed about people finding out.

The closest I've ever been with anyone ever. I just want to be close to him, smell his shirt, listen to his heartbeat and cuddle lazily in bed in the morning. I've been there for him unequivocally, supported him, looked after him. The fact that I can no longer be close to him is like torture, the thought of another taking my place is......I don't even know how to explain how it feels, like I don't matter, like I'm never enough, like I just want to disappear.

I don't want anyone but him, his blue eyes and sandy hair. His cute curls. All I wanted was to make him happy.

I spent the night before my graduation crying. I spent a day that should have been  a celebration of success and hardwork paying off tearing up in my seat and wondering what these girls walking across the stage have that I don't. Wondering if his next love will be called Kayleigh or Emma, when her birthday will be, of what they'll do together. My birthday is in two weeks, I'll be 32, I feel so old. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know what to do.

I never knew a human could feel like this, like every part of them is completely pointless, that they're bleeding emotions, bleeding love and the recipient doesn't care. It's not enough. Like their very soul has been stolen, or worse perhaps broken.

I am alone, again, destined to be that way it seems. Apparently this is my lot in life, and you know what? I'm fucking angry about it. I want to send it back broken. I want to quit.

I am so scared for myself, for my future.

I am enrolled in school to do a graduate diploma but I can't even feed myself let alone do school.

I don't know what to do.

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Little girl lost

Hi everyone!!!
Okay so its been two years and I suck. Sorry about that. Life kind of got away from me, and not going to lie my anxiety has made me apathetic at best about any kind of human contact. Including this blog. So let’s do a quick and dirty recap.
I am in my final 6 weeks of university. I am stressed to the max and hating it. The Bright side is soon I’ll be done. I’ve realised that I tend to attach my self-worth to stupid stuff like marks, instead of getting an average mark and seeing it as an opportunity to learn I use it as a chance to call myself stupid and wonder what my teacher thinks. I’m working on not doing this. It’s hard. On this note, I think school has been very bad for my mental health. The constant stress and pressure, people telling you marks don’t matter and then telling you that if you want to do x, y or z you need great marks. All the great opportunities are for the people at the top. Sitting through class after class whilst bored, feeling isolated from classmates and having to commute to school, haven’t been good experiences. Having said that I’ve been tentatively offered honours and I am considering it. I worry it could destroy me though.
I have a boyfriend. Yep, you read that right. But before you start cheering let me give you the rundown on that one too. I met him through my RL friend S, it was effectively the end of our friendship and I still miss her. We started off as friends with benefits, I had promised myself if an opportunity presented itself to get some romantic experience I’d take it and I did. That lasted about three weeks and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. Right, this is where the whole thing gets complicated. He’s younger than me, 9 years younger! Before I agreed I asked him how he felt about that and clarified age-related factors, if he wanted to be serious, if he wanted kids or not, marriage or not etc, basically all that stuff you want to make sure of loud and clear. All good. So I agreed and off we went. Me and his family get along great, me and him like similar stuff all was well etc. But (You knew there was going to be a but right?) after being together about a year, when I thought things were good and we’d already been living together on and off for a month or two he started to express doubts. Somedays he told me he felt weird about the age gap and he worried what his friends might think. He worried he’d be 30 and at his prime and I’d be an old hag (not in those words but yeah, I got the picture). He didn’t know if he felt as ‘happy’ as he could, I think this was because the honeymoon was over and we had settled into domesticity.  Of course, this upset me and made me feel like shit, here was the person I love telling me he might not be able to get over me getting a couple grey hairs and crows feet before him when I’d love him if he lost a limb. It felt shallow. We were past that initial stage where looks matter, I hadn’t gained 100pounds or stopped being the me he met so wtf? Then he told me to forget about it. Rinse and repeat about three times in the next eight or so months. We’ll have been together two years shortly. Recently he did it again, but this time he added that he felt I needed to have kids ASAP (um no, I’m happy to wait a few years actually), that he needed to be independent before settling down and, here’s the kicker, I wasn’t really his type, although he loved me and I had many other qualities that he felt were really great he just didn’t feel as attracted to me as he felt he should/would if I was his type. Guys if you want whatever small amount of self-esteem you have to vanish in an instant have someone you love tell you that they aren’t all that attracted to you and haven’t been from the start. He said he didn’t feel curious about my body, and that he didn’t feel that interested in hearing about stuff I was doing etc. Basically he loves me but he’s not excited about me. It kind of made sense, he can be hypercritical and I think this was his way of trying to mold me into who he thought I should be. Anyway, this whole thing has been pretty devastating, I feel like I’m unattractive and I also feel like a doormat because I still love him and keep accepting his offers to work on our relationship. He’s currently living back with his parents and we’re seeing each other a couple of times a week.
Combined this rollercoaster with school stress and I’ve been feeling flat, miserable, inadequate and angry.
So there you go, that’s the rundown. I’ll probably update again after school is over, hopefully by then I’ll know what’s happening with me and the bf and perhaps even a rough afterschool plan. Maybe I’ll travel for a bit. Or do honours. I’m not sure yet. I don;t even know if anyone still reads this. I hope so, and I hope you continue to, talking on here is cathartic, and I love hearing from you all!

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

How did this happen?

And more importantly how do I feel about it? I'm not going to go into details right now but let me just say over the last week I've had some of the weirdest experiences of my life-and I have no idea what I'm doing. Confusion is not that much fun and I can't help wondering if I've made a bit of a blunder. Time will tell I guess. I'll probably do a more detailed post in a few weeks when things have settled down and my head is back on straight (hopefully anyway! If not I'll post anyway).

Friday, 29 July 2016

Back. To. University.

I have one week of freedom left. One much too short week. I have my class schedule (unless they change it. Again. Sigh.) and I've gone on a if-I-have-pretty-stationary-that'll-help-right? shopping spree, my class outlines and book lists aren't up yet but as soon as they are I'll print the outlines and pencil in all the assignments and buy all the books I need. Then I'll cry about my bank balance cause holy shit books are expensive!! I've been trying to see if I can fit in a yoga class at uni, as is typical all of them are at the wrong times, there is only one that may work but it also means I'll have to drive home in the dark. Which is not on my list of things I want to do. A acquaintance from last semester is in two of my classes this coming semester and also wants me to come across to a free uni pizza thing next week-I said I'll go. Maybe I'll go to the movies after or buy a mirror. Which I've been meaning to do for three years. Um. Yeah. Anyway I'm not looking forward to uni, scared shitless would be more apt. My hair still hasn't recovered from last semester and I'm taking an extra unit this semester. Please wish me luck. And send my hair well wishes and grow-y thoughts.

In other news I'm feeling really keen to try out scuba diving. I really enjoy snorkelling and diving seems super cool and opens up so many awesome opportunities. There are problems though-diving buddy being the main one. Always so frustrating when you read through and get all excited and then bam 'don't do X alone! Take a buddy or partner' and I'm like-what about me? Oh well. I also want to join the bushwalking club and maybe try out some ariel silk classes too. I'm trying to plan an overnight camping trip with a friend too but I have no idea if that'll come through. Uni will probably stop me doing any of these things but I live in hope-how do other people have families, jobs and go to school?! Superhuman.

Until next time,

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

They went there

So last night I decided to do some late night google searching.....this always turns out one of two ways: 1 reassuring, yes there are others out there like me and we're a decent bunch! or 2 depressing, people saying horrible things, talking about red flags, oddness and ugliness. But last night, oh last night, I found a thread on a random forum that takes the all-time depressing cake.......I've often thought how having no romantic experience in society seems to be extremely disturbing to a hell of a lot of people, they seem to find things like addiction or petty crime both more relatable and understandable, which on the one hand I kind of understand-lets face it most people start having romantic contact from around 14 and roll along from there, it's everywhere, TV adds, movies, books, hell even travel is all aimed at 'twin share' so it makes sense most people find it hard to relate too, they just have no idea how it could possibly be so. But its not fair. I've never had a miscarriage or a bad break up but I can still empathise with people who have, why does 'no romantic experience' immediately translate into 'what is wrong with you?' why can't people just think and realise that, sure, there's obviously an issue but it doesn't make someone a bad person! 
Anyway back to this forum, someone made a post about someone they knew being 30 with zero male contact and there was a lot of discussion about how it was weird, how probably this person was a bit odd, maybe religious or just a bit weird in the head. Then it moved on to someone saying pretty girls get 'hollered at' at young and usually don't say untouched for long and how there was obviously no 'hollering' going on here-this seemed a bit weird to me, just the way it was described, almost like girls were things and they found their value early or not at all. But anyway the comment that took the cake came shortly after.......'if women like that didn't have families and/or religion they'd probably be serial killers', um what? Seriously, what the actual f*ck?! What a disgusting thing to say, there are bad apples in every section, age and race of society. I actually suspect that most women and men who have issues with romantic contact do so due to being very sensitive. Socially anxious people are often very sensitive and emphatic-it's what makes us terrified of other people, because wow people can be in point: I've just had my feelings hurt by some randos comment on the internet. That comment upset me, I float around hoping that if people knew about my lack of any kind of romantic experience they wouldn't think less of me-they may think that there's an issue (I'm more than willing to admit that) and maybe even that I'm hard to get to know (also willing to admit I'm not the friendliest person right off of the bat) but not that I'm a bad or lesser person. I'd hope they'd think that, you know, my soul isn't black, my emotions aren't dead and I'm not planning murdering them in a dark alley. But maybe I'm wrong about that, maybe who I am makes me seem inherently, not just odd, but bad. 
I just want people to understand it was a series of events (some that were out of my control and some that weren't) that landed me here:
  • Severe bullying
  • Social anxiety that developed due to bullying
  • Isolation, I just simply wasn't around people
  • Bad first impression, a friend has told me I come across very cold and severe (I don't mean to)
  • Being sacred to meet new people due to ^
Rest assured at no point have any of my reasons for being romantically hapless had anything to do with a desire to become a serial killer. Or any kind of killer really.
I don't even really know where I'm going with this, except to maybe point out that people like me who have no romantic experience already feel 'other', already feel like we're missing out on a lot of great things, we don't need people judging us so harshly on something that has no bearing on whether we're good people or not and that, most of us, would desperately like to change.
The lesson here might be mine,

Thursday, 2 June 2016

A likely story

So I've officially finished my first semester of uni! Go me right? Reading my last post makes me cringe......not because I'm embarrassed or I feel like I was over exaggerating but because I've realised I have to go through that all again next semester. And as you can probably imagine I don't like torturing myself anymore then the next person so I'm really, really not looking forward to it. Also I have an extra subject next semester. Cue nervous breakdown.
Anyway lets talk about other things. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think with uni but now I have 8 blissful weeks torture myself about other stuff. So my friend leaving has effected me more than I anticipated, it was kind of like confidence by osmosis, and her  unwavering optimism kind of wore of on me too. I felt more hopeful. That's waned since she's gone and here I am back where I started-unsure and frustrated about it. She was also a snappy dresser which kind of encouraged me to be more adventurous too, this semester has been pure jeans, t-shirt and hoodie territory and I really need to give myself a kick and start putting some effort in again. Bright side is I made 2 new acquaintances (I text them occasionally and I've been invited out but didn't go) and 1 new friend, unfortunately the driving and school work meant I didn't really take advantage of that like I probably should have. My 2 remaining internet friends have remained rock solid.....even when I didn't have time to talk for a few days when I was busy with school! So big hugs to Anita and Sarah-you guys can make a shitty day just that much better so I can cope. I've also discovered uni is not the place to meet dudes, to start there's the fact that there are more girls than boys, but more importantly there are 2 kinds of people at uni: 18 year olds and mid-20s up who are married, have kids or are in serious relationships. And as I went to uni near home (smart move for my mental health BTW) I'm still at home with my mum and living in a town of retirees. It's all a bit of a nightmare. Not to mention the fact that I'm acutely aware of the whole getting older, not having any experience and trying to A, explain that in a way that makes sense to a 'normal' person and B, trying to get over the nerves/abject fear of looking like a complete weirdo to actually try and do something. So really for the rest of the year I don't see this changing. But I do have options for next year, here they are in no particular order:
*I could transfer uni's hope for the best re my mental health and also transfer credits
*I could try and go on an exchange
*I could take a gap year and travel
If you'd like to weigh in on those options please feel free, so far I'm actually thinking of taking my midyear holidays next year and doing a Canadian cross country road trip with a friend and then perhaps staying on for an exchange. I run out of time for a working visa officially the end on next year so that's hanging over my head. But most importantly no matter what I'm doing or where I am nothing seems to change about my single status. Aren't people with accents meant to at least a few points hotter by default? Anyway I think it's pretty clear to me at this point I have no idea what I'm doing, only that I'm doing it wrong.....oh and that I have no clue how to fix it.
Then just to ice the cake of hopelessness I'm feeling right now I took my eye off a sports team I follow on and off and bam! One of my favourite players has gotten married and had a baby. Literally had the baby yesterday. Thanks universe for making me feel like an even bigger loser. 
Basically how I see it is there's what I do and then there's what everyone else does and there isn't much interception between the two. I feel like a lesser, stupider species. It sucks.
It's kind of strange when everyone else is dreaming of being rich or a rockstar or an actor and here I am dreaming of being normal. *sigh*
I'm off to indulge in some online retail therapy. Maybe later I'll torture myself by watching say yes to the dress.
Until next time,
your socially awkward well meaning neighbourhood virgin

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated

Okay, okay maybe you haven't just assumed I died because I've not been around. I've been missing for 5 months from the blogasphere though, which is shameful. Let me sum up the last 5 months: went for a one month trip to NZ with the friend-it was okay, we didn't kill each other and we still speak, wasn't perfect though, started uni.............been swamped with uni ever since. Uni is much harder to adjust to than I thought it would be. I don't feel at home there, its cold and impersonal, I feel like a number. The work is mostly self guided and taught, I underestimated how much I would dislike that. I feel like my teacher is judging me for asking for an extension despite have a valid reason (hello not sleeping for a week due to anxiety), feeling judged is awful. I feel out of my depth, unsure and unhappy. I'm pushing on as I want to give it my very best shot but I'm not sure what I should do next. I figure I should at least complete the year and see then, but wow it's hard. Finding it hard also makes me feel like a failure. Basically I'm having a hard time right now and I have no idea what to do about it. My friend moved as planned and seems to be doing much better than me, I miss her. After the upheaval this first semester has caused me I'm feeling doubtful about my prospects of surviving an exchange or working holiday. I live in hope though.
So that about sums it up.
Oh and I turned 29 and still haven't had a boyfriend. *sigh*