Just like that

it's over.

All the trust, the love, the cuddles.

After reuniting at his request after a short break, being given flowers and told how lucky was to have me and that he loved me so much. After telling his dad he wanted to be with me, his dad welcoming me to the family, after talking about rings and babies. He called it off. In the car. A week after telling me the above.

I am totally broken. I love him completely. I love his family and being part of it. It hurts so much. As much as when my dad and sister died, more, because he is telling me he doesn't love me anymore romantically. He had a choice, he got to make that choice. I've cried in front of him, embarrassed myself. Begged. I feel so embarrassed, I hate that I am reduced to this, I am embarrassed about people finding out.

The closest I've ever been with anyone ever. I just want to be close to him, smell his shirt, listen to his heartbeat and cuddle lazily in bed in the morning. I've been there for him unequivocally, supported him, looked after him. The fact that I can no longer be close to him is like torture, the thought of another taking my place is......I don't even know how to explain how it feels, like I don't matter, like I'm never enough, like I just want to disappear.

I don't want anyone but him, his blue eyes and sandy hair. His cute curls. All I wanted was to make him happy.

I spent the night before my graduation crying. I spent a day that should have been  a celebration of success and hardwork paying off tearing up in my seat and wondering what these girls walking across the stage have that I don't. Wondering if his next love will be called Kayleigh or Emma, when her birthday will be, of what they'll do together. My birthday is in two weeks, I'll be 32, I feel so old. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know what to do.

I never knew a human could feel like this, like every part of them is completely pointless, that they're bleeding emotions, bleeding love and the recipient doesn't care. It's not enough. Like their very soul has been stolen, or worse perhaps broken.

I am alone, again, destined to be that way it seems. Apparently this is my lot in life, and you know what? I'm fucking angry about it. I want to send it back broken. I want to quit.

I am so scared for myself, for my future.

I am enrolled in school to do a graduate diploma but I can't even feed myself let alone do school.

I don't know what to do.

Little girl lost

Hi everyone!!!

Okay so its been two years and I suck. Sorry about that. Life kind of got away from me, and not going to lie my anxiety has made me apathetic at best about any kind of human contact. Including this blog. So let’s do a quick and dirty recap.

School:

I am in my final 6 weeks of university. I am stressed to the max and hating it. The Bright side is soon I’ll be done. I’ve realised that I tend to attach my self-worth to stupid stuff like marks, instead of getting an average mark and seeing it as an opportunity to learn I use it as a chance to call myself stupid and wonder what my teacher thinks. I’m working on not doing this. It’s hard. On this note, I think school has been very bad for my mental health. The constant stress and pressure, people telling you marks don’t matter and then telling you that if you want to do x, y or z you need great marks. All the great opportunities are for the people at the top. Sitting through class after class whilst bored, feeling isolated from classmates and having to commute to school, haven’t been good experiences. Having said that I’ve been tentatively offered honours and I am considering it. I worry it could destroy me though.

Personal:

I have a boyfriend. Yep, you read that right. But before you start cheering let me give you the rundown on that one too. I met him through my RL friend S, it was effectively the end of our friendship and I still miss her. We started off as friends with benefits, I had promised myself if an opportunity presented itself to get some romantic experience I’d take it and I did. That lasted about three weeks and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. Right, this is where the whole thing gets complicated. He’s younger than me, 9 years younger! Before I agreed I asked him how he felt about that and clarified age-related factors, if he wanted to be serious, if he wanted kids or not, marriage or not etc, basically all that stuff you want to make sure of loud and clear. All good. So I agreed and off we went. Me and his family get along great, me and him like similar stuff all was well etc. But (You knew there was going to be a but right?) after being together about a year, when I thought things were good and we’d already been living together on and off for a month or two he started to express doubts. Somedays he told me he felt weird about the age gap and he worried what his friends might think. He worried he’d be 30 and at his prime and I’d be an old hag (not in those words but yeah, I got the picture). He didn’t know if he felt as ‘happy’ as he could, I think this was because the honeymoon was over and we had settled into domesticity.  Of course, this upset me and made me feel like shit, here was the person I love telling me he might not be able to get over me getting a couple grey hairs and crows feet before him when I’d love him if he lost a limb. It felt shallow. We were past that initial stage where looks matter, I hadn’t gained 100pounds or stopped being the me he met so wtf? Then he told me to forget about it. Rinse and repeat about three times in the next eight or so months. We’ll have been together two years shortly. Recently he did it again, but this time he added that he felt I needed to have kids ASAP (um no, I’m happy to wait a few years actually), that he needed to be independent before settling down and, here’s the kicker, I wasn’t really his type, although he loved me and I had many other qualities that he felt were really great he just didn’t feel as attracted to me as he felt he should/would if I was his type. Guys if you want whatever small amount of self-esteem you have to vanish in an instant have someone you love tell you that they aren’t all that attracted to you and haven’t been from the start. He said he didn’t feel curious about my body, and that he didn’t feel that interested in hearing about stuff I was doing etc. Basically he loves me but he’s not excited about me. It kind of made sense, he can be hypercritical and I think this was his way of trying to mold me into who he thought I should be. Anyway, this whole thing has been pretty devastating, I feel like I’m unattractive and I also feel like a doormat because I still love him and keep accepting his offers to work on our relationship. He’s currently living back with his parents and we’re seeing each other a couple of times a week.

Combined this rollercoaster with school stress and I’ve been feeling flat, miserable, inadequate and angry.

So there you go, that’s the rundown. I’ll probably update again after school is over, hopefully by then I’ll know what’s happening with me and the bf and perhaps even a rough afterschool plan. Maybe I’ll travel for a bit. Or do honours. I’m not sure yet. I don;t even know if anyone still reads this. I hope so, and I hope you continue to, talking on here is cathartic, and I love hearing from you all!

V