Just like that

it's over.

All the trust, the love, the cuddles.

After reuniting at his request after a short break, being given flowers and told how lucky was to have me and that he loved me so much. After telling his dad he wanted to be with me, his dad welcoming me to the family, after talking about rings and babies. He called it off. In the car. A week after telling me the above.

I am totally broken. I love him completely. I love his family and being part of it. It hurts so much. As much as when my dad and sister died, more, because he is telling me he doesn't love me anymore romantically. He had a choice, he got to make that choice. I've cried in front of him, embarrassed myself. Begged. I feel so embarrassed, I hate that I am reduced to this, I am embarrassed about people finding out.

The closest I've ever been with anyone ever. I just want to be close to him, smell his shirt, listen to his heartbeat and cuddle lazily in bed in the morning. I've been there for him unequivocally, supported him, looked after him. The fact that I can no longer be close to him is like torture, the thought of another taking my place is......I don't even know how to explain how it feels, like I don't matter, like I'm never enough, like I just want to disappear.

I don't want anyone but him, his blue eyes and sandy hair. His cute curls. All I wanted was to make him happy.

I spent the night before my graduation crying. I spent a day that should have been  a celebration of success and hardwork paying off tearing up in my seat and wondering what these girls walking across the stage have that I don't. Wondering if his next love will be called Kayleigh or Emma, when her birthday will be, of what they'll do together. My birthday is in two weeks, I'll be 32, I feel so old. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know what to do.

I never knew a human could feel like this, like every part of them is completely pointless, that they're bleeding emotions, bleeding love and the recipient doesn't care. It's not enough. Like their very soul has been stolen, or worse perhaps broken.

I am alone, again, destined to be that way it seems. Apparently this is my lot in life, and you know what? I'm fucking angry about it. I want to send it back broken. I want to quit.

I am so scared for myself, for my future.

I am enrolled in school to do a graduate diploma but I can't even feed myself let alone do school.

I don't know what to do.

Little girl lost

Hi everyone!!!

Okay so its been two years and I suck. Sorry about that. Life kind of got away from me, and not going to lie my anxiety has made me apathetic at best about any kind of human contact. Including this blog. So let’s do a quick and dirty recap.

School:

I am in my final 6 weeks of university. I am stressed to the max and hating it. The Bright side is soon I’ll be done. I’ve realised that I tend to attach my self-worth to stupid stuff like marks, instead of getting an average mark and seeing it as an opportunity to learn I use it as a chance to call myself stupid and wonder what my teacher thinks. I’m working on not doing this. It’s hard. On this note, I think school has been very bad for my mental health. The constant stress and pressure, people telling you marks don’t matter and then telling you that if you want to do x, y or z you need great marks. All the great opportunities are for the people at the top. Sitting through class after class whilst bored, feeling isolated from classmates and having to commute to school, haven’t been good experiences. Having said that I’ve been tentatively offered honours and I am considering it. I worry it could destroy me though.

Personal:

I have a boyfriend. Yep, you read that right. But before you start cheering let me give you the rundown on that one too. I met him through my RL friend S, it was effectively the end of our friendship and I still miss her. We started off as friends with benefits, I had promised myself if an opportunity presented itself to get some romantic experience I’d take it and I did. That lasted about three weeks and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. Right, this is where the whole thing gets complicated. He’s younger than me, 9 years younger! Before I agreed I asked him how he felt about that and clarified age-related factors, if he wanted to be serious, if he wanted kids or not, marriage or not etc, basically all that stuff you want to make sure of loud and clear. All good. So I agreed and off we went. Me and his family get along great, me and him like similar stuff all was well etc. But (You knew there was going to be a but right?) after being together about a year, when I thought things were good and we’d already been living together on and off for a month or two he started to express doubts. Somedays he told me he felt weird about the age gap and he worried what his friends might think. He worried he’d be 30 and at his prime and I’d be an old hag (not in those words but yeah, I got the picture). He didn’t know if he felt as ‘happy’ as he could, I think this was because the honeymoon was over and we had settled into domesticity.  Of course, this upset me and made me feel like shit, here was the person I love telling me he might not be able to get over me getting a couple grey hairs and crows feet before him when I’d love him if he lost a limb. It felt shallow. We were past that initial stage where looks matter, I hadn’t gained 100pounds or stopped being the me he met so wtf? Then he told me to forget about it. Rinse and repeat about three times in the next eight or so months. We’ll have been together two years shortly. Recently he did it again, but this time he added that he felt I needed to have kids ASAP (um no, I’m happy to wait a few years actually), that he needed to be independent before settling down and, here’s the kicker, I wasn’t really his type, although he loved me and I had many other qualities that he felt were really great he just didn’t feel as attracted to me as he felt he should/would if I was his type. Guys if you want whatever small amount of self-esteem you have to vanish in an instant have someone you love tell you that they aren’t all that attracted to you and haven’t been from the start. He said he didn’t feel curious about my body, and that he didn’t feel that interested in hearing about stuff I was doing etc. Basically he loves me but he’s not excited about me. It kind of made sense, he can be hypercritical and I think this was his way of trying to mold me into who he thought I should be. Anyway, this whole thing has been pretty devastating, I feel like I’m unattractive and I also feel like a doormat because I still love him and keep accepting his offers to work on our relationship. He’s currently living back with his parents and we’re seeing each other a couple of times a week.

Combined this rollercoaster with school stress and I’ve been feeling flat, miserable, inadequate and angry.

So there you go, that’s the rundown. I’ll probably update again after school is over, hopefully by then I’ll know what’s happening with me and the bf and perhaps even a rough afterschool plan. Maybe I’ll travel for a bit. Or do honours. I’m not sure yet. I don;t even know if anyone still reads this. I hope so, and I hope you continue to, talking on here is cathartic, and I love hearing from you all!

V

How did this happen?

And more importantly how do I feel about it? I'm not going to go into details right now but let me just say over the last week I've had some of the weirdest experiences of my life-and I have no idea what I'm doing. Confusion is not that much fun and I can't help wondering if I've made a bit of a blunder. Time will tell I guess. I'll probably do a more detailed post in a few weeks when things have settled down and my head is back on straight (hopefully anyway! If not I'll post anyway).

Vanessa

Back. To. University.

I have one week of freedom left. One much too short week. I have my class schedule (unless they change it. Again. Sigh.) and I've gone on a if-I-have-pretty-stationary-that'll-help-right? shopping spree, my class outlines and book lists aren't up yet but as soon as they are I'll print the outlines and pencil in all the assignments and buy all the books I need. Then I'll cry about my bank balance cause holy shit books are expensive!! I've been trying to see if I can fit in a yoga class at uni, as is typical all of them are at the wrong times, there is only one that may work but it also means I'll have to drive home in the dark. Which is not on my list of things I want to do. A acquaintance from last semester is in two of my classes this coming semester and also wants me to come across to a free uni pizza thing next week-I said I'll go. Maybe I'll go to the movies after or buy a mirror. Which I've been meaning to do for three years. Um. Yeah. Anyway I'm not looking forward to uni, scared shitless would be more apt. My hair still hasn't recovered from last semester and I'm taking an extra unit this semester. Please wish me luck. And send my hair well wishes and grow-y thoughts.

In other news I'm feeling really keen to try out scuba diving. I really enjoy snorkelling and diving seems super cool and opens up so many awesome opportunities. There are problems though-diving buddy being the main one. Always so frustrating when you read through and get all excited and then bam 'don't do X alone! Take a buddy or partner' and I'm like-what about me? Oh well. I also want to join the bushwalking club and maybe try out some ariel silk classes too. I'm trying to plan an overnight camping trip with a friend too but I have no idea if that'll come through. Uni will probably stop me doing any of these things but I live in hope-how do other people have families, jobs and go to school?! Superhuman.

Until next time,

Vanessa

They went there

So last night I decided to do some late night google searching.....this always turns out one of two ways: 1 reassuring, yes there are others out there like me and we're a decent bunch! or 2 depressing, people saying horrible things, talking about red flags, oddness and ugliness. But last night, oh last night, I found a thread on a random forum that takes the all-time depressing cake.......I've often thought how having no romantic experience in society seems to be extremely disturbing to a hell of a lot of people, they seem to find things like addiction or petty crime both more relatable and understandable, which on the one hand I kind of understand-lets face it most people start having romantic contact from around 14 and roll along from there, it's everywhere, TV adds, movies, books, hell even travel is all aimed at 'twin share' so it makes sense most people find it hard to relate too, they just have no idea how it could possibly be so. But its not fair. I've never had a miscarriage or a bad break up but I can still empathise with people who have, why does 'no romantic experience' immediately translate into 'what is wrong with you?' why can't people just think and realise that, sure, there's obviously an issue but it doesn't make someone a bad person! 

Anyway back to this forum, someone made a post about someone they knew being 30 with zero male contact and there was a lot of discussion about how it was weird, how probably this person was a bit odd, maybe religious or just a bit weird in the head. Then it moved on to someone saying pretty girls get 'hollered at' at young and usually don't say untouched for long and how there was obviously no 'hollering' going on here-this seemed a bit weird to me, just the way it was described, almost like girls were things and they found their value early or not at all. But anyway the comment that took the cake came shortly after.......'if women like that didn't have families and/or religion they'd probably be serial killers', um what? Seriously, what the actual f*ck?! What a disgusting thing to say, there are bad apples in every section, age and race of society. I actually suspect that most women and men who have issues with romantic contact do so due to being very sensitive. Socially anxious people are often very sensitive and emphatic-it's what makes us terrified of other people, because wow people can be mean.....case in point: I've just had my feelings hurt by some randos comment on the internet. That comment upset me, I float around hoping that if people knew about my lack of any kind of romantic experience they wouldn't think less of me-they may think that there's an issue (I'm more than willing to admit that) and maybe even that I'm hard to get to know (also willing to admit I'm not the friendliest person right off of the bat) but not that I'm a bad or lesser person. I'd hope they'd think that, you know, my soul isn't black, my emotions aren't dead and I'm not planning murdering them in a dark alley. But maybe I'm wrong about that, maybe who I am makes me seem inherently, not just odd, but bad. 

I just want people to understand it was a series of events (some that were out of my control and some that weren't) that landed me here:

• Severe bullying
• Social anxiety that developed due to bullying
• Isolation, I just simply wasn't around people
• Bad first impression, a friend has told me I come across very cold and severe (I don't mean to)
• Being sacred to meet new people due to ^

Rest assured at no point have any of my reasons for being romantically hapless had anything to do with a desire to become a serial killer. Or any kind of killer really.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this, except to maybe point out that people like me who have no romantic experience already feel 'other', already feel like we're missing out on a lot of great things, we don't need people judging us so harshly on something that has no bearing on whether we're good people or not and that, most of us, would desperately like to change.

The lesson here might be mine,

Vanessa

A likely story

So I've officially finished my first semester of uni! Go me right? Reading my last post makes me cringe......not because I'm embarrassed or I feel like I was over exaggerating but because I've realised I have to go through that all again next semester. And as you can probably imagine I don't like torturing myself anymore then the next person so I'm really, really not looking forward to it. Also I have an extra subject next semester. Cue nervous breakdown.

Anyway lets talk about other things. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think with uni but now I have 8 blissful weeks off.....to torture myself about other stuff. So my friend leaving has effected me more than I anticipated, it was kind of like confidence by osmosis, and her  unwavering optimism kind of wore of on me too. I felt more hopeful. That's waned since she's gone and here I am back where I started-unsure and frustrated about it. She was also a snappy dresser which kind of encouraged me to be more adventurous too, this semester has been pure jeans, t-shirt and hoodie territory and I really need to give myself a kick and start putting some effort in again. Bright side is I made 2 new acquaintances (I text them occasionally and I've been invited out but didn't go) and 1 new friend, unfortunately the driving and school work meant I didn't really take advantage of that like I probably should have. My 2 remaining internet friends have remained rock solid.....even when I didn't have time to talk for a few days when I was busy with school! So big hugs to Anita and Sarah-you guys can make a shitty day just that much better so I can cope. I've also discovered uni is not the place to meet dudes, to start there's the fact that there are more girls than boys, but more importantly there are 2 kinds of people at uni: 18 year olds and mid-20s up who are married, have kids or are in serious relationships. And as I went to uni near home (smart move for my mental health BTW) I'm still at home with my mum and living in a town of retirees. It's all a bit of a nightmare. Not to mention the fact that I'm acutely aware of the whole getting older, not having any experience and trying to A, explain that in a way that makes sense to a 'normal' person and B, trying to get over the nerves/abject fear of looking like a complete weirdo to actually try and do something. So really for the rest of the year I don't see this changing. But I do have options for next year, here they are in no particular order:

*I could transfer uni's hope for the best re my mental health and also transfer credits

*I could try and go on an exchange

*I could take a gap year and travel

If you'd like to weigh in on those options please feel free, so far I'm actually thinking of taking my midyear holidays next year and doing a Canadian cross country road trip with a friend and then perhaps staying on for an exchange. I run out of time for a working visa officially the end on next year so that's hanging over my head. But most importantly no matter what I'm doing or where I am nothing seems to change about my single status. Aren't people with accents meant to at least a few points hotter by default? Anyway I think it's pretty clear to me at this point I have no idea what I'm doing, only that I'm doing it wrong.....oh and that I have no clue how to fix it.

Then just to ice the cake of hopelessness I'm feeling right now I took my eye off a sports team I follow on and off and bam! One of my favourite players has gotten married and had a baby. Literally had the baby yesterday. Thanks universe for making me feel like an even bigger loser. 

Basically how I see it is there's what I do and then there's what everyone else does and there isn't much interception between the two. I feel like a lesser, stupider species. It sucks.

It's kind of strange when everyone else is dreaming of being rich or a rockstar or an actor and here I am dreaming of being normal. *sigh*

I'm off to indulge in some online retail therapy. Maybe later I'll torture myself by watching say yes to the dress.

Until next time,

Vanessa

your socially awkward well meaning neighbourhood virgin

Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated

Okay, okay maybe you haven't just assumed I died because I've not been around. I've been missing for 5 months from the blogasphere though, which is shameful. Let me sum up the last 5 months: went for a one month trip to NZ with the friend-it was okay, we didn't kill each other and we still speak, wasn't perfect though, started uni.............been swamped with uni ever since. Uni is much harder to adjust to than I thought it would be. I don't feel at home there, its cold and impersonal, I feel like a number. The work is mostly self guided and taught, I underestimated how much I would dislike that. I feel like my teacher is judging me for asking for an extension despite have a valid reason (hello not sleeping for a week due to anxiety), feeling judged is awful. I feel out of my depth, unsure and unhappy. I'm pushing on as I want to give it my very best shot but I'm not sure what I should do next. I figure I should at least complete the year and see then, but wow it's hard. Finding it hard also makes me feel like a failure. Basically I'm having a hard time right now and I have no idea what to do about it. My friend moved as planned and seems to be doing much better than me, I miss her. After the upheaval this first semester has caused me I'm feeling doubtful about my prospects of surviving an exchange or working holiday. I live in hope though.
So that about sums it up.
Oh and I turned 29 and still haven't had a boyfriend. *sigh*
Vanessa

Life and other things

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I'd love to say something indescribably exciting happened but alas this is not so. Basicly life lately has been looking after my animals and school. I have 1 week of school left and then exams, this is very surreal! I can't belive I'm almost finished this year. So let me talk about the great things this year:

* I made a good RL friend, we have lunch at least once a week and she's stayed over a few times, we've watched movies and talked. You don't realise how much you miss that in your life until you have it again.

* I've grown some online friendships

* I've done okay at school, 75% was my worst mark and that was for my English oral. However our in-class essay could kick my butt, we'll see.

* I learned to drive!

* I travelled to Europe 

* I've become slightly more socially confident

And now let's talk about the not so great things this year and also coming up:

* I've still got a really long way to go with my social anxiety. An epically long way.

* My friend is going to be moving interstate next year, I'm really going to miss her.

* I'm also going to miss her editing stuff for me, she rocked at it

* I'm stressed and worried about uni next year

* I've lost some internet friends

* In the end I decided to attend a local uni instead of move, I thought that support at home would be very important for me. Even if the course is not the exact one I wanted to do, I can always transfer once I'm feeling more confident

* I've not made any progress on the romance front at all. It's depressing

* I'm going on a trip with above friend for a month in the new year, I'm nervous about this. I've never travelled with anyone but family and she's so much younger than me. Hopefully it won't be a complete disaster.

* I've been having a bit of a confidence crisis lately. Hanging out with beautiful 18-year-olds will do that to you.

I've made the decsion to try uni out and see how it goes, if it goes well and I get an exchange thats great. If not I intend to defer for a year after year one and do a working holiday. That way I won't miss out either way.

That's really all the updates for now, rest assured I'm still here and I haven't forgotten about my blog or you guys :) You'll probably be hearing from me over the holidays a fair bit more I imagine! I have a few posts I want to write and hopefully there will be time then. And rest assured I'll keep you all uptodate with uni adventures.

Vanessa

it never rains it pours

I feel bad about not updating this blog as often as I feel like I should :( Anyway I'm sorry about that, I haven't forgotten my blog community and I hope you guys will continue to stick with me on this crazy journey!

These last few weeks have been a compilation of confusion and stress. School started back and we have a new english teacher, I didn't realise how much this would affect me-its made me very unsure and anxious, hopefully I'll adjust. She's a lot tougher than our previous teacher and more strict with timing and assignment outlines. She also occasionally treats us like we're all 5 years old. I've already done one test in english and now our first assignment is another oral presentation, which was the main assignment I had trouble with last semester. Laying out, planning and writing a oral presentation (with a power point presentation) is really difficult for me, at least essays are just a simple formula of intro, 3-4 body paragraphs and a conclusion. I've only got a week and 2 days to get it done too, so I'm pretty stressed......and as all class A procrastinators do I'm avoiding it like the plague instead of actually attempting to get started. My friend at school loves oral presentations so I can't even get any sympathy from her :( We've also got our first book based essay too, can't say I'm looking forward to that. At all. Oh and math this semester is the kind of math I hate, ratios and probability, so it's a slow slog through that as well. Biology so far has been okay, although the exam is always a killer, I'l give it my best shot. I keep telling myself that if I finish I'll buy a nice dress for graduation and maybe get my hair braided or something.....but I also want a dress I can wear again, I'm looking at these right now cause I think they're casual enough to wear agin but could also double as slightly dressed up

I may change my mind between now and then of course.

I've been out with my school friend to lunch a couple of times and also to a couple of sports games (as spectators) which has been nice, but I do feel the age gap keenly on occasion. It's also hard watching people 10 years your junior have boyfriends and girlfriends when you're out on your own. My friend bought her younger sister and her friend along to the sporting game and we went for ice cream after and they started talking about how many kisses they'd had and I just didn't say anything, I felt like shocking them by saying I'd had none but my better sense told me that would be stupid so I kept quiet. I'm glad I didn't say anything now, who knows what they would've decided to do and maybe they would've brought it up again later. But I felt very apart at that moment, I may be older and wiser in some ways but in others I'm 12 and maybe always will be :( It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.

And then we went to visit our small farm down the coast, its currently rented, but my mum has said its 'her retirement fund' so as she's due for retirement she was thinking to either live there or sell. There's a new road going in and this is the first time we've seen it in person. Well, its awful. The road is now looming 2 stories above our property and the noise is pretty epic, you can see it from everywhere on the block. It's devalued the property by half and the existing house site is no longer useable, well unless you'd like to live in the shadow of a highway. My mum is no longer sure she wants to live there at all but the selling of it is now no longer going to enable her to buy elsewhere. Its a mess :( I'm really sad about it as if a house was built my mum was going to leave it to me, but now that's not going to happen. It was a really beautiful place, I can't believe they've ruined it so badly, I always loved it there but yesterday I left with a heavy heart-nothing in my life is the same anymore, first the farm and now this little block that I'd always imagined living on one day ruined. I'm feeling a little down about it all.

I've also been thinking hard about university, I know it would be a great thing to do but I'm still concerned about my ability to cope with the whole moving/starting uni/living like a normal person. I have some time to think luckily but it seems to be coming up so quick! What do you guys think? Uni or working holiday?

Vanessa

Euro trip, school and aloneness

Long time no see everyone! Basically after my last post I was busy with final exams and then I was packing for my trip with my sister to Europe. First off I'll tell you that I got A's in all of my classes, in some ways I'm pretty excited about that......in others I'm not.......like can I keep it up? Was it a fluke? Is this just a really low standard? It's not fun thinking like that but I guess I'll find out soon enough which one it is. My motivation levels for school have been a bit low this last while and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Euro trip was really good, we went to Rome, Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. We had heaps of fun, saw lots of cool stuff and ate lots of good food. Every time I travel I think about when I can go next, this is the first time I've travelled without my mum so it was a different experience-but I didn't kill my sister so that's an achievement! I think so far me and my mum travel best together but this proves I can still have fun with someone else. I have a trip planned with my school friend for January, it's going to be very different again, I'm a little worried about how it'll go but I guess I should try and find out if it works for me.

Then onto aloneness, from next week I'll be staying on my own 3-4 nights a week. It doesn't sound like a big deal but its pretty scary-I've always lived in the country, when I stayed home alone before it was in a farmhouse 7 kms from the nearest neighbour.....that would scare the snot out of a lot of people but I was so familiar it was fine. This place is a ground-floor flat in a city.....there are strange people and noises and it freaks me out-I hope I can adjust and get over it. I was hoping my school friend might stay over a bit but I don't think thats going to happen......I have no idea how much is too much with friends, not having had any for so long I often feel my view of friendship is skewed by TV shows and movies-what's normal? How's it work? Hopefully I won't stuff it up. I really need to get more comfortable being alone-I'm going to be doing a lot of it unless something changes.

Vanessa

Happy (belated) birthday blog!

My blog turned 2 on the 10th of June! Thats pretty amazing. It seems like longer than that to me. In that time I've started to 'get shit done', lets do a list (because lists rock...):
* I finally said enough and stopped letting anxiety ruin my life, I started seeing someone about my anxiety and actively started working on getting better
* I traveled overseas, with my mum, and started to consider having my own solo overseas adventure
* I went back to school!
* I've stuck out 6 months at school so far....6 more to go
* I learned to drive
* I passed my driving test!
* I met cool people and made friends via my blog
* I made a friend at school
* I've made plans with my new friends to do stuff
* I completed C25K and moved on to 10K progression

It's not a huge list, but compared to before I started my blog I've definitely made forward progress. I just hope it continues along slowly but surely.

Vanessa

Adulting?

It's been a crazy few weeks here. I handed in my Biology assignment, after it nearly drove me crazy. I had a strong urge to snatch it back form the teacher immediately after handing it over........because I felt it needed more work. But my biology assignment obsession made me drop the ball on my other assignment from my english class. Dammit! In the end I asked for an extension, which I was granted, I still feel bad about needing it but the assignment wouldn't get done otherwise. It's another assignment type I've never done before and as such is causing me some issues and stress. This is the most out of step and behind I've felt with school since I started, I've been feeling a bit blah just generally and then this feeling that I'm a little bit behind is making me panic and feel even worse. And then exams are coming up in 2 weeks and I feel unprepared and worried. Particularly about bio and math as there are so many things to remember and I want to keep my grade decent. So there's been a fair bit of stress happening!
Then on top of all that I've been discussing with my mum driving back and forth to school when (if?) I get my licence and then also thinking of literally being cold turkey first-time-living-alone in February next year with no safety net (mum will be thousands of kms away) and how that might not be such a great idea. My mum decided that it would be a stellar idea for me to stay in the city where I go to school for 3 days a week-no driving back and forth at night and also living alone road test with a safety net! I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure. But once my mum decides something that's usually it, and sure enough by next week we'll likely be signing a lease. This is both kind of exciting (my own place 3 days a week, buying some house stuff, friend promising to visit and go running) and absolutely terrifying (being alone at night when people are around outside, handling doing *everything* by myself, being lonely), I have no idea how it'll go. Okay hopefully.

I'm not very good at adulting, I think I fail the 'functional adult' test pretty spectacularly (my 17 year old classmates are more independent than me. No seriously), hopefully I can learn otherwise Uni and solo travel look pretty sketchy. I don't know what I'll do if I find I can't function as a normal adult-it will be the death of many hopes and dreams.

Vanessa

That would be a no then?

I've been pretty busy, and as a consequence my online activities have tended to suffer, the internet is the first ball I drop when things get hectic unfortunately. I know there are people who juggle blogs, families, exercise and school. I admire them greatly, but I'm not one of them! So I've been MIA for a bit and after this post I'll probably disappear again for a while. But here's a rough recap of what's happening now and over the next few weeks:
*I'm officially in my second term of school! After this one is done I'm halfway.
*Math this term has been my least favourite kind :( Headache inducing.
*Biology is interesting but the exam I took last term was brutal, hope the next one goes okay
*English is going okay, I've got my grades up to over 80% which I'm pleased about
*Took my first ever driving test. Failed it due to a missed observation check. I didn't cry though!
*Booked in another driving test, which I'm already worried about
*I'm still on track with my running, although I'm getting a bit bored of the treadmill! And I have some new broken capillaries to show for my efforts.
*I'm off to Europe with my sister in my school holidays

I have 3 assignments right now, 2 are things I've never done before (experiment and oral presentation) which is stressful as I'm not sure how to go about doing them and I'm worried I'll get bad marks for them. The other 1 is my math assignment which is full of my weakest areas math wise so is stressful. I've made it this far and I don't want to fail out or quit, but the pressure is on these next few weeks. Then I have 3 exams in as many weeks. So pretty full on!

I've been accepted into uni for next year, the uni I'm thinking of is not prestigious but it does offer the exchange I want in my program. The course I'm interested in is more a practical degree (it's in a health science area) so it doesn't rely on prestige as much as, say, a law degree but still I'm sure some would say go for the more prestigious uni even though it doesn't offer the exchange I want. Any thoughts from out there in the blogosphere?

I'm very nervous over the idea of moving even though it's a while away.

I'll be sure to let you all know how I go! Even if it takes a few weeks.....

Vanessa

PS My blogs second birthday is coming up on the 10th of June! I'll be sure to post something then :)

Better at life?

As usual lately some things have happened lately to make me question myself. As you know I ran my own agricultural business for around 3 years, it just broke even, I won prizes and worked 14+ hour days, 7 days a week 10 months of the year (the other 2 were spent getting stuff organised for the coming year). It was exhausting. My competitors spread vicious rumours. I was always on the outer of the group because I wasn't a city person who'd retired and decided to go into this particular field, rather I was born and breed country. People judged me and doubted me due to my age. Then I realised I would never have a chance to travel or go to university, and yes, maybe stupidly, have a relationship. Then my mother got sick and couldn't help share the workload.So I closed the business. All the same people who'd given me a hard time suddenly came out of the woodwork to enquire why I was closing as I was doing so well, and to try and make me feel bad for 'not working hard enough' to keep it going. They also tried to buy my equipment. I withdrew and started about trying to build a better life. People still approach me now to ask if I'll be starting again and why I quit, the truth is it's always in the back of my mind to start up again-but I'm just not sure if the amount of work, lack of outside life and the petty backstabbing is worth it: is that what I really want out of life?
Then I made the mistake at looking up some of my competitors, they all seem happy and to be doing well and I think: am I a failure? Did I give up too soon? Are they better at life? Do people just like them better than me?
Frankly days like this make me feel done with life. I just am sick of always feeling like I'm wrong or I'm doing something wrong. But lets face it I must me, or my life wouldn't look like it does and I wouldn't feel how I feel.
So I guess I get an F in life and the worst part is I always try so hard.

Vanessa

Down the barrel

It's been a weird few weeks. I go back to school next week, I survived my first term and pending a couple of results (um. Biology.) passed. It's really hard for me to balance things, even if I've done what I'm supposed to do I feel like I should do a bit more and give myself a buffer-then when I don't for whatever reason I feel bad, like I should give up. I'm trying to let go of that perfectionism, all or nothing attitude which prevails throughout my whole life pretty much-it's hard accepting 'okay' or 'good enough' be it food choices or exercise or school work. And then I get this sneaky feeling, what if this program isn't very good? Will I really be ready for university? It doesn't help theres been a bit of scare mongering from some outside people that has left me unsure. Then there's also the fact I genuinely dislike school. I wonder about doing 3 years of it, I know its a good idea but if I can actually tolerate it I have no idea. Maybe I'll take a year off in the middle if needed. Maybe I'll fail and won't have to worry. Who knows.

I've had some hard decisions to make regarding animals, hopefully I've made the right one, but it's a decision that will mean some extra work for me. Not the best thing probably in the midst of school but I had to make a decision and I did. Right or wrong.

I've been having some nerves about the idea of moving (not until February next year!), worried about looking after myself, losing my close family relationships (the only ones I really have), of nothing changing and just being lonely and unhappy and unable to go back.
I actually have plans with friends for next year which is both weird and exciting. I hope it all works out.

Basically I'm feeling all weird and adrift. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do something else? Am I helping myself? I don't know. Seeing people happy and in relationships stings, weddings, babies and all those things leave me feeling worried and stressed. What am I doing about that? What can I do about that? The only thing I feel happy about lately is meeting my exercise goals, but I feel even they aren't good enough sometimes. Be better is the constant mantra in my head.

Vanessa

PS Holiday went well, I'm looking forward to snorkelling again one day!
PPS I'm still on track with my c25k :)

Well. F*ck.

Ever had that feeling that things are going okay? Yeah me too. I did my first 2 tests (english and math), now it wasn't a walk in the park but I felt I understood what I was doing and I felt like 'okay I may not get 100% but I'm pretty positive I've passed!', my new friend from class insisted that we should go out for my birthday for a movie and burgers even though it was a couple days late, I've been slowly but surely doing the c25k. Basically I thought things we're going okay. Big mistake. First we got handed out a new essay for english. Then I checked out the biology revision test for next thurs, I thought I'd just glance over it a few times and all would be well, yeah that was not what happened. I looked at it and went 'WTF! What is this?!'. It wants us to draw graphs and write hypothesis, something we haven't done in class at all. It wants us to write a chemical equation and draw an atom, things we also didn't do in class. Colour me confused over here. What the hell am I going to do?! Fail I suspect. I really wish the teacher had been more clear and said 'we're just glossing over stuff here, please read this and do that at home to be prepared'........but he didn't! So now I'm all at sea. And seriously worried, this is the worst anxiety I've had since starting school and I'm not sure what to do to fix the problem. Should I ask for an extension so I can study? Should I study for this week and hope for the best? I don't know. I don' want to fail. I can't help but think this just makes me stupid, obviously everyone else in the class figured you had to do lots of research outside of class whilst I just coasted along oblivious. And then there's the fact that my dad was so good at biology so I feel like I'm letting down the home front as well. To top it all off I've noticed a couple of broken capillaries in my cheeks, likely from running. I have my face lasered to get rid of them/control my skin (super sensitive skin which gets red easy) and now I feel like any kind of strenuous exercise is just going to reverse the process. Oh and my doc said I should avoid sun, spicy food, alcohol, extreme temperatures, intense exercise and stress. Then she considered that and said 'but you have to have a life too', well thanks. Bit hard though with avoiding all those. I won't stop running for now, I guess once I have to stop I'll just get it all lasered again-but thats painful and expensive *sigh* And I don't want to stop, I want to be active and fit. I feel like everything I try to do is countered by the universe with massive nope.
I hope the next few weeks are better than this. I hope that I can by some miracle sort this test out. I'm not hopeful though.

Vanessa

Happy birthday man

Tomorrow I turn 28. Every year for some reason I expect to be in a completely different place in life by my next birthday-oddly no matter how many things I do I feel much the same. I have a few more friends than this time last year. I have plans with a couple of friends, again more than I had this time last year. I'm living somewhere new, albeit still with my mother. I'm 2 weeks off completing my first term of school. I've just completed my 10th C25K run, so am about halfway. I've signed up to a tough mudder. But as much as everything has changed it's stayed the same, I still feel nervous around people, I feel stupid on a more than regular basis, I'm never content with how I look, I still haven't got my drivers licence and I definitely don't have a boyfriend or the prospect of one.
Also I have an english test tomorrow. Happy birthday right?

Vanessa

I had to post about this

I be crazy

So I got my first assignment back, 72% or in a B-. Good right? Wrong. The more I think about it the more I panic-was it a fluke? Is the assignment I just handed in awful and not even a 10th as good? Will I ever get a better mark? Is that mark good enough? Can I keep that level? Am I crazy? Probably.
It's so weird. Why do I do this?! Why worry about stuff I can't change? I promised myself I'd be happy with a pass-this is better than a pass-but suddenly I want to do better and I'm worried I'll quit if I don't. I need to learn to be happy with 'okay' not 'perfect'.
Vanessa

Confidence: where do you get that?

Hi everyone!
Next week will be my 7th week of school, I have done 2 english assignments, 1 biology assignment and 1 math assignment-no results on any of these yet but I hope I passed! It's hard to believe term one of four is almost over-2 more weeks to go! Unfortunately these 2 weeks contain 3 exams, I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it-and then I have 2 weeks holidays! I've made it this far which feels like an achievement, even if it's only a small one. I do feel like maybe I haven't studied enough, which I always feel no matter how much I've done, and sometimes it all seems like french to me. I just hope I pass. People have noticed I stress out and doubt myself over assignments something fierce and its always embarrassing when people notice that kind of thing :(

But onto confidence. I don't have any and I hate it. It casts shadows over my whole life, love things that should be fun and exciting. Examples? Gladly: my mum wants to go on a holiday in, well, the holidays to QLD. At first I was really excited-a beach holiday! Snorkelling the great barrier reef! Stand up paddle boarding! And then I realised I have to wear swimmers and I suddenly wasn't excited at all anymore. A bit like my school work it doesn't matter how thin or fit or hairless I am I always feel like it's 'not enough' and feel self conscious and unhappy-cuts out lots of fun I could be having and that makes me really sad :( And I really have no idea what to do about it.
Another example would be an exercise class I tagged along to with my mum, I nearly turned tail and went home to change into loose pants as I didn't want anyone to see me in my exercise tights. Despite the fact that everyone else was wearing them. Why do I feel that way?!
And lastly me and my sister are going to Europe in July and I'm worried about not being able to do things on my own if she's being difficult, I also want to wear some dresses but I'm worried about feeling to self conscious and it ruining the trip :(
I'm so sick of over thinking all the time! I just want to be carefree and enjoy life, why is that so hard?

Vanessa