Things that p*ss me off

People who are glued to their mobile phones. Seriously people you won't die if you don't have your phone for a couple hours, honest. However the next person who texts or takes a call while in the cinema just may-and I'll rule it justifiable homicide. If you're at a movie or out to dinner, for the love of god, turn your phone off!! Even better don't take it! There are only a few exceptions to this rule, your wife/girlfriend is about to pop out a baby (although if this is the case what're you doing at the cinema with your mates?), you have a seriously ill family member (see previous. WTF are you doing here if gram is about to expire?) or you work in law enforcement/medicine and are an emergency contact. That's it. I don't care if you're expecting a call from Brad Pitt it's rude to have your phone on in the cinema, also what's with checking it (and hence lighting up it's screen like a really distracting bug. A bug I'd like to squash BTW) for texts every five minutes for the duration of the movie? No one is going to text you anything important-even if it's just your dog who's taken a turn for the worse they'll call you. So what are you checking for? If your girlfriend's Brazilian went as planned? I don't know. But stop it. Seriously. Oh and if you're either A checking your facebook status or B updating your facebook status (OMG in cinema watching X soooooo cool!) you don't deserve to live. That is all.
Maybe I'm just jealous?
Vanessa
PS Also if you are in class the same rules apply. No one can concentrate whilst you snicker, squirm and type a million miles a minute right next to them. Not to mention that stupid incoming text tone you have, you hear that person next to you's teeth grinding? Yeah probably a good sign you should turn off your phone before they smash it and head-butt you.

Fingernail biting....

I've started biting my fingernails again, just a few days ago they were all nice and long but no longer. It's always a sign that something is going on with me, consciously or not, on this occasion I have no idea..........I've been feeling pretty flat lately so maybe that's it, that feeling of, why bother it'll never get better? Coming up to summer and watching people plan things, friends lounging in the park, couples lazying on the beach, plans for festivals and parties-all things I've never done and may never do. Maybe the feeling of another rapidly approaching birthday with no progress? I don't know. Other than that I'm also looking for bits and pieces for my summer wardrobe, something I don't normally do, but I have the desire to this year and I hope it will spill on to other parts of my life. I'm getting some obligatory t-shirts (after a purge, holes, loose stitching, fading and cracked prints all went) but I'm hoping to make them a bit more fun, here are a few I'm looking at:
http://store.xkcd.com/products/just-shy  Maybe this'll help me appear less aloof?
http://www.etsy.com/au/listing/129118815/black-sheep-ladies-t-shirt-as-gaeilge-in?ref=shop_home_active The black sheep of the family...not in the conventional way but still true...
http://www.etsy.com/au/listing/156545325/organic-cotton-celtic-languages-ladies-t?ref=related-7 I have irish and scottish ancestry, so why not?
I've bought a couple of dresses and I'm now I'm looking at maxi dresses, I love this one:
http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/swirling-soiree-dress
But I'm worried it might be too dressy, in the pics it looks like it'd be fine for just going down the street (with the flowers removed), but the description does say party dress........I don't know, but I really like it. I won't spend the cash until I'm sure though. Modcloth is bad for ones budget LOL
I also found this blog: http://esmeandthelaneway.blogspot.ca she looks so pretty all the time! I really love her red hair, I also like this post http://esmeandthelaneway.blogspot.ca/2013/08/looking-back-at-past-augusts-and-outfits.html as it shows how her hair and style have changed over a few years.....I think she looks great in all of them :)
Hmmmmm food for thought.....
I'm also thinking of starting a 30 before 30 list, or maybe a life list? Not too sure yet but it seems like a good idea.
Vanessa
PS I'd just like to advise anyone reading this blog in the same situation to go check out a pear by herself's blog, some seriously amazing stuff has happened for her these last few weeks that'll give you hope and cheer you up, or it did me anyhow!

Things are changing

My sister is moving. She'll be more than a day's car ride away (About 1000 kms away), it's unlikely we'll see her much, as much as she drives me nuts sometimes she's also the main driving force behind outings and shopping trips and I'm going to miss her. I'm not a phone person so I'll likely only be getting updates via my mum who talks to her on the phone often. In some ways I'll be glad not to see my niece grow up, she's 10, I'm sure by the time she's 13 she'll have had more boyfriends than me, it makes me feel awful to think like that but I really can't help it. And I definitely don't want a front seat view for it either. It also makes me worry even more about trying to gain my independence-my mother will really be by herself (if I could ever leave anyway, it seems a long way away) and 30mins from any town. I've noticed her driving is getting worse lately and it stresses me out that she'd be on her own. But then she's also talking about moving (but then she's been talking about it for the last 6 years...) and she keeps saying 'you'll want x in the new house' and 'there's a university nearby, that'd be great for you!' and although I appreciate her including me I also feel bad about it because it makes me feel like I'm never going to have my own life, my own happiness and if everyone else can see that maybe I should just give up. I know thats not what she means, that she's just telling me there's a place for me with her, but it just makes me feel hopeless and trapped. *sigh* Me and her are also planning a trip to Canada sometime, going from coast to coast, somedays I feel really excited about it and others I feel like I should be doing it by myself not with my mum. But how likely is that? I really want to get my work visa and work overseas for a couple years, maybe even get a dual citizenship, but how can I do that when I can't even go grocery shopping on my own?  How could I make friends and new connections when I'm so horribly, painfully shy? Is it just my escapism talking? Am I chasing a feeling I'll never have? I have made some small steps for improving myself, I'm in the process of getting my licence (finally) and I've made myself buy a few things by myself, which seems huge! It seems like such a long road from where I am now to where I want to be. And sometimes an impossible one. Ah to be normal, I wish!  I found this quote in a book (Vegabonding: an uncommon guide to the art of long-term world travel by Rolf Potts):
And so I stand among you as one that offers a small message of hope, that first, there are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence.
Thomas Merton, the asian journal of Tomas Merton
Am I one of these people? Undoubtably, minus the free-floating bit. Is it by my own choice? Decidedly not. As a side note people who claim the above always seem to have a ready gaggle of friends and numerous boyfriends/girlfriends. I think they think it sounds romantic, little do they realise the harsh reality of it.
Anyway we're coming up to Summer here in Aus (well in a few months but you know what I mean), and I think Lana Del Rey has captured it perfectly:


I've got that summertime sadness too.
Vanessa
PS Some links for the girls: cute hair ties I've discovered https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320225?ref=fb2_tnx_title and https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320061?ref=fb2_tnx_title also these are really cheap and simple to make (I'm going to have a go at it) http://www.ohsoprettythediaries.com/2012/08/the-diy-no-fray-emi-jay-inspired-hair.html or http://www.loveumadly.com/2012/07/diy-hair-bands-in-every-color/
Also just discovered these: http://www.cleava.com/Default.asp for when you want to wear a low top/dress but don't want to layer with a camisole or tank. Super cute and very handy too!

Dear universe: Don't even. I take it back.

So you know those last 2 post where I said life pretty much couldn't get any worse? Yeah I jinxed myself. I've just noticed I have some 'smudges' (they look like faded bruises or dirt) at the ends of both my eyebrows (the ear end) and under one eye........some quick google-ing has lead me to believe that it's likely melasma bought on by the BC pill. I only take BC to control my cycle, obviously. Neither my mother or sister ever had this when they were pregnant/using BC. Why me? Why? So what do I do? Go off BC and not leave the house for 2 weeks of every month cause my body is trying to kill me and spend the other 2 in dreaded anticipation? Or never leave the house because my face is covered in weird blotchy pigment/looks like it's smeared with dirt? I've been on the pill for over 6 years, why now? What I'm going to do: nothing. Well not right now anyhow, it's very subtle and I only noticed it cause the lighting was really good and I had my fringe pinned back (maybe it's been there for ages and I just haven't noticed? It's possible)-it doesn't show in photos and is easily covered-if it doesn't get any worse I can live with it. I'm not happy about it but I can deal. I am going to up my sunscreen (yay for itchy red eyes!) to an SPF 30 with zinc, as recommended by articles online, as I notice it's slightly worse on the side of the car I sit on the most and maybe I'll try some vit A or bleaching later if I think I need to. If it gets worse I'm going to have to do something, I just don't know what. Please don't let it get any worse. *sigh*
I'm thinking of buying this dress to cheer myself up: http://www.asos.com/au/ASOS/ASOS-Rose-Watercolour-Skater-Dress/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=3091900&SearchQuery=skater%20dress&sh=0&pge=1&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Cream

Cute, eh?
Vanessa

Dear universe: you suck

Another exciting week. Well no, not really. I read some of these blog posts (I know what the hell was I thinking): http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/03/what-men-think-about-your-virginity.html apparently I should just go live under a rock. This is also true if you're over 30 and/or you don't have killer hair. I realise this should not be taken too seriously but at the same time I wonder how many men think like this? Am I really over the hill at 26? My sister is still hot at 36, is she over the hill? What 'number' am I? I come from a family of unfairly attractive people, both my sisters were/are drop dead gorgeous, my niece is pretty cute, my dad was movie star attractive (why didn't he pass on those dimples, dammit?) and my mum was not to shabby either. I resent the fact that I'm the only ordinary/plain one in my family, why me? If I had been blessed with the best personality I wouldn't mind so much but I'm definitely the only really quiet and shy one too. *sigh* And the double standard of age in dating, what's with that? They make it sound like women don't recognise that younger men might be hot, that only men can see that a 20 year old college student is really beautiful (and also not off limits), but that women should always date 'older' then they are-why? I also find 20 year old college students unfairly attractive, much more attractive then the 40 year old balding man with bad teeth and a beer gut behind the counter at the convenience store, the 20 year old is not in my dating 'range', the 40 year old is. If I was a man? The 40 year old would be out of my 'dating range' but the 20 year old would be in it. Confusing. Also I'm not saying older men can't be very attractive, they certainly can be, as a matter of fact my dad was much older than my mother and they were great together, and I also understand the reproductive issue, but really whats five years one way or the other? That's my personal view on this, not that dudes are knocking down my door or anything, but I'd date 5 years younger to 5 years older. Are you confused yet? I am. I confuse myself LOL Anyway in line with this a local high school teacher has been flirting with the girls at the school, he's 26, the reaction? Well of course he's tempted what with all those young girls flirting with him! Unacceptable in my opinion, and I can't help but wonder how different (and likely disgusted) these same people would be if it was a women doing this-it should be equally unacceptable for both sexes. On a completely unrelated note I've booked in to have my hair cut and am now freaking out about it. I feel so much of my identity is tied up with my hair, if someone asks me what I like the most about myself my hair is always the answer without even thinking about it, I think it will probably be good for me to look at myself as something other than just hair, maybe I'll grow a bit as a person? Maybe I'll end up at a shrink's, who knows? Well I'll let you guys know anyhow :)
That's all for now,
Vanessa
PS I found this hair blog: http://365goodhairdays.wordpress.com/ her hair's about the length I'm going to be cutting to, the dip dye is very cool and she does amazing styles with it :) I hope I can too.
Also found these: www.curlformers.com hopefully I can use them in my hair.......I love curls!

Life in colour

It's been hard to get to writing this post, and I'm sure it will come out a bit disjointed but it is what it is.

Lately I've been feeling that life is all in shades of grey. I'm not enjoying or looking forward to anything. I feel like my hope has deserted me for greener pastures somewhere, that the future is bleak and I'm not really sure what to do about anything. I feel unmotivated and unhappy all the time, like I'll never master anything or do anything worthwhile so why bother at all? I'm pretty sure this could be classed as depression, I've never really understood it before but now I do-for me it feels like that spark that makes life worth living is gone, that little glimmer of hope that no matter how bad things are there's an end is gone, the excitement of looking forward to a little thing like a favourite meal. My friend invited me to a sporting event and I don't want to go, I said yes anyway, I don't even know why I don't want to go? Am I depressed about thinking I'll never have a social life? Or am I depressed that I don't want one? How do I tell the difference? Would I enjoy hanging out with like minded people, or do I just think I would? Do I really want to go to a music concert if I could find someone to go with or is that just an excuse never to go because there might never be someone to go with? At the moment I don't want to see anyone, but I keep daydreaming about having a close circle of friends, maybe even a boyfriend, so is it just my depression talking or do I really not want to see anyone? I don't know. I daydream about finding it easy to talk to new people, make friends, be the kind of person who enjoys and finds all those things easy. It's hard to accept I'll never be that person. Is it even worth worrying about my hair and clothes if no one else cares about them? Is it worth trying to master a new skill when I feel sure to fail? Is it worth fighting for the small things when I can't see myself ever beating the bigger most important ones (like gaining my independence)? I feel stretched tight all the time like I don't belong, I just want to get away be somewhere (someone?) else. Do I matter if no one else cares? I don't know. Hopefully this bout won't last too long :(

Vanessa

PS At the moment I'm trying to focus on learning to braid, I'm not feeling very motivated, but at least I'm trying. Heres some braid inspiration for you all:

Fashion and me. Or maybe that should be un-fashion and me.

Hello everyone! I've had an absolutely crazy, stressful few weeks mostly tying up loose ends with my old business and trying to figure out what now? But I thought it was about time for a new post, so here it is :)
I don't really have my own sense of style. It's something that irritates me about myself, surely at 26 I should have my own sense of style! My sister has her own very distinctive sense of style ( so does my 10 year old niece!), as do most people I know, and I just kind of float about not quiet sure which way is up honestly. I will sometimes hit on a celebs fashion that I really like, but really how realistic is that for everyday? I don't know. My mother is not into fashion at all and I'm not really sure if that has effected my lack of style identity/interest.......maybe I'm just lazy? I mostly wear jeans (not skinny ones, or flared ones...just um normal ones?), a T-shirt (sometimes a mans T-shirt, cause they are longer/bigger and you can work in them) and a jumper or hoodie. That's it. I own a couple of pair of converse which I love, but mostly I just wear whatever slip-on shoe I've acquired that year until they wear out. Whenever I do make an effort I usually feel like it's a waste of time, why bother when the only interest it'll garner is of the 'why so dressed up' kind, I usually just end up feeling silly and judged. I also envy girls who can apply make up really well and do their hair many different ways-I can't do make up at all and I'm generally make up free and the only hair style I seem to be able to manage is a simple plait. More on hair later. This may lead you to think that the only clothes I have are jeans, T-shirts and hoodies.......not true.....I actually have a really lovely array of cute dresses and tops (example: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/doll-in-all-dress, cute right?) that I very rarely if ever wear, not that I don't want to I just don't want to be over dressed or look silly and I'm not really sure how to judge. So jeans and Ts are a safe choice. I even wore jeans to an awards dinner once!  And if you're wearing a cute outfit you're also going to want to have nice hair and makeup to match, which adds another obstacle to the getting ready debacle. As I'm not working or studying right now I'm not really being forced to make any style choices, but even if I were I'd likely end right back on jeans and Ts doorstep, which there's nothing wrong with-if thats where you want to be, I don't. One thing I love universally but rarely wear (sometimes, when I'm going to the city) are necklaces, I own quiet a few and I love them. I also love high heels and own a couple of pairs-I never wear them cause I can't walk in them! I do sometimes wear wedges in summer. I have a cycle of trying to dress up then deciding it makes 0 difference to anything and go straight back to where I started. I do the same with hair and makeup. I think in my crucial style developing years (which I'm thinking are from about 14 to about 19) I was isolated and essentially uninterested in clothes at all, as a matter of fact I think I mostly more my sisters hand me downs during that period with no complaints :) I've only just learned how to paint my own nails. Now onto hair. I'm beginning to think my hair stops people from approaching me. No I'm serious. Let me explain: I have long hair, like butt length long, and I'm seriously beginning to suspect people think I'm either really religious or slightly crazy. It also makes it hard to leave my hair down or do much with at all. So I'm seriously thinking of cutting it to between waist and mid-back length (think this length: http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/xIiUieAaUF3/2011+Teen+Choice+Awards+Arrivals+2/V3yQS5iucU5/Holland+Roden) which, whilst still being long, is more 'normal' hence approachable. It also means I might be able to leave it down more and maybe figure out some more styles I can do. I don't know, but it's only hair and it'll grow back! Anyway here are some stylish ladies I would love to emulate:

Phew! Sorry for all the pic spam! But now you know what I mean when I say I don't want to be just a jeans and T girl. I mean just sometimes I'd like something a little different :)) Maybe it's just a lack of self confidence? (if you're not a size 6 don't even bother! Type attitude) I don't know.

Also here is a blog with a girl with really cool style: http://janagodin.blogspot.com.au/

Some of which I love and some of which I don't, she seems really cool too!

Anyway that's it for now (sorry about the slightly disjointed layout),

Vanessa