Lest we forget

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them." 

Lest we forget.

It really doesn't matter.....

I've read a few articles and have seen advice given to lot's of people in my situation 'it really doesn't matter! It'll happen when you're ready/least expect it/stop thinking about it! Besides you can be happy single!', okay I get that they are just trying to make people feel better (trust me 100% I get that) but discounting those people who don't want a relationship (that's their choice, all the power to them!), I feel this is a bit dismissive. I think it does matter that we are missing out, after all about 95% of the population over 25 are coupled up/have children/or both-I feel that we are missing a pretty huge chunk of the human experience. Of life. Sure these relationships may not last, but still the experience is had. I also understand where people are coming from with the whole 'virginity is no big deal' thing, it's not like we have a dot on our forehead that changes colour after we loose it and it really doesn't affect our life in a physical way-but it does matter. Why? Well I think having a first relationship becomes even harder when you are a virgin as well. Not only are you nervous about a whole host of usual normal things you also have the v-card hanging over your head. Do you admit to it? How do you explain? Will they be able to tell? So as much as virginity in and of itself isn't important it's important in the context of trying to form a relationship. Well that's my take anyway.

Vanessa

Really? Sometimes I wonder...

Things have bee pretty crazy here this last week, mostly involving the care and maintenance of the critters, we've been rushing about basically non-stop. We only have a couple of big things left and then it's just some fine tuning before we leave. I think I should split this into sections:
Oh, Canada-the epic trip edition:
Flights? Check. Accommodation? Check. Trains? Check. Buses? F'd if I know, maybe? Hopefully? Activities? Um don't even talk to me about it. Phone? Yeah, no. Food? I have 2 definites: ches's fish and chips in Newfoundland and smokes poutine...which is everywhere pretty much. For 5 weeks that's a pretty poor effort.....I really need to get onto this. I'm thinking we'll try asian in Vancouver and there's apparently a really good Ethiopian restaurant in Winnipeg which I'd like to try, on a food related note I also want to visit Granville island (Vancouver) and the markets in Montreal. Oh and the smoked meat sandwiches in Montreal. Wait...don't they have bagels too? You can probably tell I'm fairly food orientated. I won't lie to you: I am. But I'm also a terribly fussy eater who drives everyone nuts. Sorry about that. It frustrates me too as I genuinely try things before I pass judgement and it's always disappointing to add yet another thing to my 'don't like it' list. As for packing that's a whole nuther thing my friends. I'm trying to go carry on only so I'm a bit limited in what I can take...it's not a bad thing but it makes the all important decision of wether to take a jacket or not a bit hard. Anyway I'll figure it out. Heres a list of where we'll be visiting, any suggestions for food or things to do welcome:
Vancouver (thinking of doing a chinatown walking tour, visiting the suspension bridge, Granville island, richmond night markets, Stanley park, maybe Grouse mountain and apparently we're meant to find a neon green jacket my niece wants)
Victoria (gardens, apart from that no idea)
Jasper (Glacier walk, some hiking trails, tramway-that's about all we've got so far)
Edmonton (no idea. Take the bus to Banff and lake Louise hopefully)
Calgary (only a day here, no idea what we'll do)
Winnipeg (there's a national park I'd like to visit but they have no transport :( )
Toronto (again not sure what we'll be doing here)
Niagara falls (seeing the falls. Duh :) )
Ottawa (tulip festival, other than that ?)
Quebec (no idea)
Montreal (market, no idea)
Halifax (get out to peggy's cove, have a look at Dalhousie)
PEI (see Anne of green gables)
St John (no idea)
So there it is, the epic Canadian trip. Hopefully I'll love it and want to go back, we're also missing a couple of places I want to see and have a short time on others.....plenty of exploring left to do! :) I'll post a more detailed packing list once I've got it under control.
Life, general:
Not much to report, I finally found a leather jacket I like after 3 years of looking. Unfortunately I now I can't decide if I want to take it with me or not. I also got one of these: http://sprigs.com/banjees/classic-banjees/multi-brightpaisley/, not from this website cause they don't ship here, as I'm really over carrying a handbag. They suck. Hopefully this will be a suitable solution.
Life, love:
I've met someone. Problem is we both want very different things, you see all he wants is milk and to be scratched behind the ears. He has no interest in travelling either. Also he's a lamb. These things are never simple....... ;)
Life, goals/future:
I'm currently working pretty hard on this with my brain doctor. It's pretty scary and some things (most things?) still feel impossible. But I'm trying, I'm going to give it my best shot-and I'm terrified.
Life, list/bucket list:
I haven't ticked anything off of it yet but I've got a few to add:
* Try caving
* Try diving
* Visit an internet friend
* Travel solo
* Visit Tofino, Canada
* Visit Petra, Jordan
* Visit Jerusalem, Israel
* Visit Egypt
* Visit Lake Baikal, Siberia, Russia
* Visit Spain
* Visit England
* Go to a pub
* Join a club/group
* Get a university degree
* Conquer social anxiety
* Have a bob haircut
* Learn to braid (half complete.  Can do other people but not myself...)
* See Lana Del Rey concert
Things I've done that I probably shouldn't have:
Bought 2 Lana Del Rey tickets for Toronto that I found......could all go horribly wrong....cross your fingers for me. Luckily I didn't pay a huge amount and they are okay seats, not great, but okay.

That's it for now :)
Vanessa

Birthday wishes not birthday kisses

It was my birthday yesterday, it went okay, no nervous breakdowns or anything :) And plenty of birthday wishes, I see the brain doctor again tomorrow-I've been quite a few times now-she seems optimistic whilst I'm my usual suspicious self......but, but maybe, just maybe there is some hope. I have to believe it anyway, it's all I have.
Vanessa

Things that drive me nuts: the definition of single

I've mentioned this before somewhere I'm sure but I'm mentioning it again, because, quite frankly, it's ridiculous. Mostly it's in the fine print of one of those 'feel good singles' articles, you know the type that tells you people are staying single longer or some such. Usually I start to smell a rat around the part where they mention more single people are choosing to have children-read the fine print and you'll discover that by single they mean not married. This is just stupid beyond words. What part of having an exclusive relationship is 'single'? If we judged people this way in real life a hell of a lot more people would be single! Someone has a girlfriend/boyfriend? No worries they're sill single! God. I'm sure the numbers would be infinitely more depressing if they actually only included actual single (my definition: someone who isn't in a relationship) but at least they'd be honest. And then there's the whole can of worms that is those 'where are all the single women/men!' interactive maps-pretty inaccurate if they class everything but married as single, I'm sure the results would be much different (not to mention more helpful) if they only included people who were unattached.
Anyway rant over.
Vanessa

All the sunsets without me

I like to spend a little time each day contemplating what a small section of the world community may be doing in their respective countries, not too much because it's not really constructive...but it is nice, escapism is often. I often tend to think of it as being around sunset for some reason....hence all the sunsets without me. There are lots. I imagine a happy pair of backpackers watching the sunset over some Thailand bay, a grandmother in Italy looking over the mountains whilst preparing dinner for her family, a successful single women looking out over the bright NYC or Chicago lights after a run, a couple lounging on their deck in a rural area eager with anticipation of the impending arrival of their baby, a teenage girl in a small town looking out her window nervous for her first date, silly little things maybe, but they make me equal parts happy (maybe one day) and sad (nope not happening). I often wonder, do other people do this? I guess they do. Maybe not as much as I do. Anyway, here's to all the sunsets without me (and hopefully in the future, with me) enjoy them!
I think it's also time to share a bit more about me, I know you guys often try and give me advice and sympathise but I imagine it must be hard with all the missing info. So, here's a bit more info without outing myself. Hopefully.
I mentioned the family business right? Well would it surprise you to know that the family business is agriculture. Yep I'm a country girl in every sense of the word. Born and raised, I've never lived anywhere but the family homestead. The nearest neighbours (apart from my sister) are measured in kilometres. We go to town once a week for groceries. I can talk seriously about the weather with just about anyone and be totally serious about bemoaning the lack of rain being the end of everything. I can find a sheep in a 600 acre paddock but get lost in the mall. I can drive a motorbike after a bull but roundabouts freak me out. I know how long it takes a cow to have a calf and a sheep to have a lamb. When I talk about my skills being non-transferable I mean I know how to deliver a stuck lamb, ear tag a calf, ride a horse and throw out a fleece, not terribly useful outside of agricultural pursuits. My fathers side of the family have been in the general area for 5 generations. I can go a week without seeing anyone but family, when my mum went away for 2 weeks I didn't see anyone in that time. I feel guilty for wanting to leave and trapped by staying. I feel guilty asking my mother to hold on to the farm whilst I do other things so I can come back one day. I can't imagine my life without a rural connection. I can't imagine living like this forever. It's a conundrum and it makes things more difficult to be sure.

In other news I've been reading a bit and I found this:
http://www.candicedoestheworld.com/2013/12/to-go-the-journey-alone/
I love this blog. This chick is pretty amazing I think and she has awesome hair, what's not to like? I really love this quote from her intro:
“What in the world is that crazy, sexy ginger doing?” People marvelled. “Will she ever settle down and get a REAL job? She must be a lesbian.”
Yep. LOL I hope one day to be as brave as her :)

Vanessa

Who?

Well long time no post, or it feels like anyway. I hope everyone is doing okay.
Things are pretty confusing right now, I'm in a weird position where I should be excited but instead I just have a low level hum of discontent happening. We're going to Canada, from Vancouver to Halifax via rail and plane, we'll be seeing a lot of Canada, my mum will be having a Birthday in Vancouver, we'll be gone for 5 weeks the longest ever so far. I'll be getting a taste of Canada. But. But, what if I hate it? Then I'll have no hazy future plan. What if it's a terrible trip? One of us gets sick and is miserable. There are just so many what if's, and compounding my low level worry is: where the hell is flight MH-370? Seriously. Those poor families still waiting. Awful.
There is also the small matter that Lana Del Rey is having a concert in Toronto while I'm there.....I've been wanting to go see her but being in Aus tours are far and few between. So should I get tickets and go? I want to. But I have to think of my mother too, she'll go if I want but I don't want her to have an awful time......*sigh*
I've seen my head doctor a couple more times, she seems confident and sure but I'm still wavering in really believing her-if I do give in then I can dare plan for the future, as it is I daydream a bit but I don't let myself have too many future plans or dreams because I can't see how I can possibly get there, if I do that it has the potential to be crushing. I live on a low level of unhappiness as it is but having that hope.....and losing it? Maybe disastrous result. But I really want to believe her, believe that there is a hope I can learn to cope and go out on my own. I don't know what to do or what to believe. I'd love to think I can make a plan to head off for 2 years overseas on my own, but really is that realistic? And if so how long should I wait to do that? I suppose I should ask her that but she has made it clear it's a series of steps with no time limits. Hum. I got nuthin.
On the right side I've finally found a pair of ballet flats that fit and I Thai restaurant I like.....it's an hour away but still soooo good.
Vanessa