The important questions?

What are the important questions? I guess they differ from person to person. For me my biggest question is, does anything I do really matter if there's no one to share it with? Theoretically speaking I know it does, there are other people out there who've proven it, but I guess I want to share with others, I want someone to pat me on the back and say well done or give me advice on what now or what next. I fight not to lose interest when I don't have someone else to share my interest. I need to work on that. I shouldn't need outside validation to make something seem worthwhile.
So I guess my biggest question, for now anyway, is how to feel validated even if I never have other people. I know this problem isn't limited to just me as it's been mentioned on the incel forums quite a bit, it's a gnarly one alright a bit like the ole if a tree falls conundrum.

Another smaller question that bothers me on and off is how I look. This will sound weird, but basically I couldn't tell you if I'm plain, ugly or pretty-I look in the mirror and I can't tell, so I go with the happy medium of 'plain'. I've been told I'm attractive on a few occasions but how do I know if that's true? I'm not about to post my pic on one of those rate it websites and it feels silly asking others for opinions. All I could say for sure is I have big eyes and high cheek bones, apart from that I don't know. Is it worth trying to learn to apply makeup and do my hair if I've not got the base needed to make me look good? Do I look like my sister or is she really that much more attractive than me, as I see it? I don't know how other girls know if they are attractive, I guess they base it on male attention......based on that I'm an orc.

In other news I'm considering doing a tertiary prep course, I'm a bit unsure about it though as it's a condensed version over 6 weeks instead of 12 weeks (as I missed the term 2 enrolment but can make the summer one)-maybe too much for me? And I wonder if it's enough or if I need more. It's out of state too so I'd have to move as well........I'll let you guys know what I'm up to when I decide. In the meantime I'm thinking of learning to knit :)

Vanessa

Sorry I'm a flake

Sorry I've been a bit flaky lately, just not feeling it I'm afraid. I've been thinking about then putting off this post ever since I got home. So let me level with you: I'm bored, directionless and miserable. Coming home from a trip where I've been moving around, trying new things, chatting with random people and just generally having a good time (navigating the Montreal metro, anyone? Or is it just me?), knowing that if my life was that little bit better or different that I may be exploring/studying in a different country-knowing it's something I'd enjoy sans my social anxiety-makes everything feel a bit dreary. Traveling through all of these people and realising I'm always on the outside looking in, like I'm in a glass box, thinking it'll maybe always be like that. Who am I kidding, it's definitely going to be like that. Whilst I was traveling I heard so many stories of overseas adventures involving friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I felt keenly what I was missing. I was even jealous of a group of Aussie girls who were working and traveling around Canada and also had a USA road trip planned-I just could help but think: why them and not me? Why couldn't I have that too? There's no answer. There's no point dwelling.
I've realised it's fine to be alone if that's what you want. If that's what you enjoy. And maybe that's the reason it bothers me so much, I don't want to be alone and I enjoy the company of a friend (not that I've felt that for a long time, probably since S moved away 11 years ago), what is it about me that people don't like? Do I smell funny? Look like a serial killer? Have crazy eyes? Are boring? I don't know. I realise I'm not likely to meet people whilst sitting at home cruising youtube for braiding tutorials, but even when I make an effort it falls flat, which brings me to my next point: internet friends. Some people seem to be able to make internet friends easily too, I don't. No 'oh I'm going to stay with Jade who I meet on the internet whilst blogging, it'll be so exciting to see her!' for me, is even my internet persona so odd? What is it about me? I wonder at how life must be for those people that everyone likes and wants to be friends with, you know the kind, everyone knows one. I know of three. Notice I didn't say 'know' there as I don't really, just in passing to say hi. I'm no-ones best friend, I'm no-ones first port of call, I'm just alone. None of my (fading, as I'm beginning to realise) friends ever call (or text or email) me first-I always have to initiate. It hurts when they haven't bothered to ring you for 3 months but they casually mention how they called so and so the other day to catch up. One of my friends even moved without giving me her new phone number, I got it off her mum, she told me that when she's stressed she withdraws......but she gave her details to her 2 other friends. Am I over stepping my bounds here? Should I not call? Maybe she tried to 'forget' me on purpose? She always seems happy to hear from me though and we talk for hours. I don't know anymore.
I have no goals right now, my mum is pushing me to learn to drive and I just feel so ambivalent about everything I don't see the point. She's also been complaining I've been going to bed too early, before she was complaining it was too late, I just can't win. She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I've never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now.
I know I don't want to live like this forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do.

Vanessa

Everywhere and nowhere

So it goes, the trip is coming to a close- here's the rundown so far:
Edmonton was okay, met one Aussie there who seemed delighted to see some fellow Aussies lol
Winnipeg I liked Winnipeg......until I joked to the guy at the desk 'I hear it gets as cold as mars here!'......and he replied 'that was one time!' I nearly died! I didn't think it was true lol
Toronto ,more of a reflection on me I think, but I didn't like it at all. Too big, too dirty and too many homeless people. As in they make me sad, I'm such a sucker. Lana Del Rey concert was amazing! Loved it and would do it again!
Ottawa liked it well enough
Quebec City was nice, got sooooo lost on the bus though!
Montreal.....nope. Not even a little bit.
Halifax OMG beautiful! Loved the surrounding area, it's just like its out of a fairy tale book or something. So amazing.
PEI very quaint, I liked it not as much as Nova Scotia but it's still lovely
Only Newfoundland left now! Then back to Vancouver for our flight. Ugh. Flying.

I'm feeling a bit down about my complete inability to be normal. But I'll get into it more when I get home, I'm sick of my iPad!  

Vanessa

Onwards

Well I've been to Jasper (beautiful) and am now in Edmonton, which reminds me of Canberra a bit weirdly, it's been fun so far........sort of starting to want to know what's going on at home with the dogs and chooks though-I asked my sister but she's not being very detailed :( Also we have now have loud neighbours at this hotel........it's the worst. There's definitely a Guy and girl, I seriously hope they don't get up to nothing non-platonic (or are at least quiet about it) by myself I wouldn't mind but with my mum........can you say die of embarrassment?  Still seeing lots of nice looking guys and I've figured I feel sort of inferior to them or something and I just want to get out of there......like I'm imposing myself on then or they're laughing at me-which I know is not the case but the feelings are still there.  Anyway it's onto Winnipeg next (so far Canadians have nothing nice to say about Winnipeg) so if anyone has any info about the peg feel free to let me know :)
Vanessa
Ps iPad sucks for writing blog posts.....

Argh

I can reply to comments for some reason :( so I'm not ignoring you I just can't get it to work right now...........

Hmmmmm

So at breakfast some guys were loudly discussing vibrators........yeah. I don't even know.
 I also spotted my first real live hockey player (well I'm assuming......maybe he was just carrying a hockey stick and gear bag for another reason), as predicted he was cute. Have been around most of  Vancouver now, it's really beautiful, I wouldn't like to live here though......it's too busy for me, the suburbs might be okay though- you don't tend to visit them when your doing touristy stuff :)
Tipping is still driving me nuts.......
Vanessa

Vancouver

Well I'm in Canada, it's really beautiful-and surprising how confusing it is too. It's so similar to aus.......except when it isn't and then I get completely confused lol And don't even get me started on tipping. We're off to jasper next........I can't comment on the rest of Canada but Vancouver is like the city of cute guys, they're every where! It's kind of depressing.....
Be interesting to see if they are as good looking all over......and as polite :)
Yes people so far the stereotypes are all true ;)
Vanessa