Friday 24 April 2015

Down the barrel

It's been a weird few weeks. I go back to school next week, I survived my first term and pending a couple of results (um. Biology.) passed. It's really hard for me to balance things, even if I've done what I'm supposed to do I feel like I should do a bit more and give myself a buffer-then when I don't for whatever reason I feel bad, like I should give up. I'm trying to let go of that perfectionism, all or nothing attitude which prevails throughout my whole life pretty much-it's hard accepting 'okay' or 'good enough' be it food choices or exercise or school work. And then I get this sneaky feeling, what if this program isn't very good? Will I really be ready for university? It doesn't help theres been a bit of scare mongering from some outside people that has left me unsure. Then there's also the fact I genuinely dislike school. I wonder about doing 3 years of it, I know its a good idea but if I can actually tolerate it I have no idea. Maybe I'll take a year off in the middle if needed. Maybe I'll fail and won't have to worry. Who knows.

I've had some hard decisions to make regarding animals, hopefully I've made the right one, but it's a decision that will mean some extra work for me. Not the best thing probably in the midst of school but I had to make a decision and I did. Right or wrong.

I've been having some nerves about the idea of moving (not until February next year!), worried about looking after myself, losing my close family relationships (the only ones I really have), of nothing changing and just being lonely and unhappy and unable to go back.
I actually have plans with friends for next year which is both weird and exciting. I hope it all works out.

Basically I'm feeling all weird and adrift. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do something else? Am I helping myself? I don't know. Seeing people happy and in relationships stings, weddings, babies and all those things leave me feeling worried and stressed. What am I doing about that? What can I do about that? The only thing I feel happy about lately is meeting my exercise goals, but I feel even they aren't good enough sometimes. Be better is the constant mantra in my head.

Vanessa

PS Holiday went well, I'm looking forward to snorkelling again one day!
PPS I'm still on track with my c25k :)

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Well. F*ck.

Ever had that feeling that things are going okay? Yeah me too. I did my first 2 tests (english and math), now it wasn't a walk in the park but I felt I understood what I was doing and I felt like 'okay I may not get 100% but I'm pretty positive I've passed!', my new friend from class insisted that we should go out for my birthday for a movie and burgers even though it was a couple days late, I've been slowly but surely doing the c25k. Basically I thought things we're going okay. Big mistake. First we got handed out a new essay for english. Then I checked out the biology revision test for next thurs, I thought I'd just glance over it a few times and all would be well, yeah that was not what happened. I looked at it and went 'WTF! What is this?!'. It wants us to draw graphs and write hypothesis, something we haven't done in class at all. It wants us to write a chemical equation and draw an atom, things we also didn't do in class. Colour me confused over here. What the hell am I going to do?! Fail I suspect. I really wish the teacher had been more clear and said 'we're just glossing over stuff here, please read this and do that at home to be prepared'........but he didn't! So now I'm all at sea. And seriously worried, this is the worst anxiety I've had since starting school and I'm not sure what to do to fix the problem. Should I ask for an extension so I can study? Should I study for this week and hope for the best? I don't know. I don' want to fail. I can't help but think this just makes me stupid, obviously everyone else in the class figured you had to do lots of research outside of class whilst I just coasted along oblivious. And then there's the fact that my dad was so good at biology so I feel like I'm letting down the home front as well. To top it all off I've noticed a couple of broken capillaries in my cheeks, likely from running. I have my face lasered to get rid of them/control my skin (super sensitive skin which gets red easy) and now I feel like any kind of strenuous exercise is just going to reverse the process. Oh and my doc said I should avoid sun, spicy food, alcohol, extreme temperatures, intense exercise and stress. Then she considered that and said 'but you have to have a life too', well thanks. Bit hard though with avoiding all those. I won't stop running for now, I guess once I have to stop I'll just get it all lasered again-but thats painful and expensive *sigh* And I don't want to stop, I want to be active and fit. I feel like everything I try to do is countered by the universe with massive nope.
I hope the next few weeks are better than this. I hope that I can by some miracle sort this test out. I'm not hopeful though.

Vanessa