Tuesday 31 December 2013

Things to consider

One thing I hate about being in my situation is always having the thought in the back of my mind: will this improve or hinder my chances? Or is it status quo. Even when considering my exchange I thought of this-in the end my first choice isn't exactly suffering a man over supply but it was too pretty to pass up. Yes that's right I researched the man situation. And then felt exceedingly sulky that I was driven to do that. I'm so lame.
Also I think I'm going through some delayed teenage rebellion or something, I really want to get a nose stud......but once again I'm worried about that effecting what guys might think of me. I'm my own person dammit I shouldn't care. But I do. What do you guys think?

nose stud


Vanessa

Sunday 29 December 2013

Temper, temper

My temper has taken a turn for the worse lately. I'm stressed as hell about everything-my eyebrows and eyelashes have actually started falling out, I'm not sleeping, my eyes are sore and bloodshot and I feel terrible. So I'm in a really bad mood, which my mum points out "geez you're in a bad mood!", yes, and? Am I not allowed to be in a foul mood? I'm pretty even tempered for the most part but I'm having my first self-inflicted life upheaval in around 10 years, I think I'm entitled to some moodiness. Cranky? Me?

I have to go to the doctor to renew my script which is always a rigmarole, including awkward questions and long shocked silences. I really don't need my doctor making me feel like even more of a freak.

We're heading over to the uni this friday to consult with our course conveners, my sister refuses to put my niece in childcare or let her stay at a friends for the day (not because she's opposed to these things generally but because I suggested that having a whining, nagging, temper tantrum throwing 10 year old at a university information day might be not a good idea) so that should make the whole day a misery and awkward to boot.

I'm also feeling embarrassed about asking about the student exchange and I can't quiet put my finger on why........

I hope everyone has a happier new year than me so far,
Vanessa

Wednesday 25 December 2013

All I want for Christmas: Direction.

First off merry christmas everyone!
Now on to the serious stuff. I'm having some second thoughts, not about going, but about my degree choice. The bachelor of applied science in human biology has being abolished and replaced with the bachelor of Biomedical science instead-now I've done a bit of research and it seems biomed is a leg up into medicine or other allied health postgrads and with just the biomed degree you can do research (which I haven't found much info on, but I don't think I want to do that), now I don't want to do medicine so it seems to make more sense to do a bachelor in something like Environmental health/science which has good job prospects straight out (including high overseas demand) and also is a good pathway into postgrad if I want in the future......I'm not sure what to do. My mum can't really help much as she has no idea either way, my sister wants me to do the same as her so she's hardly impartial and I have no one else to ask *pulls hair out* My post on the education board has had a few replies (including someone politely pointing out that rude poster was an idiot, thank you!) mostly saying that enviro is definitely the best way to go with high demand and a good variance of fields in which to work. I guess what I really need is a career guidance person, but since I don't have one of those feel free to weigh in with your opinions please :) I'm not going to rush my decision cause I usually end up regretting it, luckily both course share a pretty similar first year so I could possibly transfer mid-year. And the there's the whole exchange confusion to top it all off. Lovely.
I'm horribly conflicted and confused about everything lately, I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere. That I should just pack it in and accept my lot. But I have a horrible stubborn streak and I don't want to. I want to look back on a life lived. I feel so far behind that I won't ever catch up :(
It makes me really moody, which my mother notices of course, I tried to explain it to her (minus the boy  thing) and it made her feel bad, like she failed me somehow, which just makes me fell worse all round-cause I'm not blaming her I just want her to understand: all I want is to normal: that's it, I don't want to be rich or famous or a rocket scientist, I just want to have fun and friends, get married, have kids, travel. But maybe that's not normal either. How many of these things do normal people actually do? I have no frame of reference at all. How many friends do 'normal' people have?
My new years resolutions is to try and be more bold, say yes more, have fun. Maybe this jacket would help:
pink moto




 Anyway that's all for now, good-afternoon, good-evening  and goodnight :)
Vanessa

Tuesday 24 December 2013

Y'all, the internet is a cruel place

I just had to vent this. I posted on an education forum (I've been having some second thoughts about the degree I'm thinking of doing), just a casual 'hey what do you think?' post. And I got a nasty reply. 'you never said please or thank you in your post' well no I didn't because I thought it was a given that I was asking for advice, that people reading the forum were there to give and would appreciate any given and as there was nothing to say thank you for I didn't include that either, then they went on to give me advice that made it clear they hadn't even read my post finished with 'your post was very poorly written'. Well. I'm sorry my post wasn't carefully constructed, proof read and then edited, it was just a casual friendly enquiry and I didn't realise I was being judged on it. The worst part is I should have a thick enough skin for it not to get to me, but it does and I don't know how to stop it.
I mostly consider the internet my friend, I write this blog to be read by people who are feeling alone or people who are wiser than me and wish to give advice. Which I very much appreciate. I know my posts can be disjointed and all over the place, with numerous cruelties commited to grammer along the way-but I do this as a stress reliever and having to second guess every single word kills that for me.
And as I'm not a cruel internet dweller myself, I say: Merry Christmas.
Vanessa
PS I'll post again, maybe tomorrow, with some more info about my course second thoughts.

Tuesday 17 December 2013

Ugh. So many decisions so little time...or something.

I found out that our Chem 101 class films all it's lectures, so I told my sister this and lo and behold we can fit our classes in to 2 days by using the online lectures. Great right? Except now I'm kind of worried about missing the lectures in person....I mean they'll be exactly the same online (the slides are included and everything) but I just worry it'll make it too hard. We'll be attending all our tutes and pracs though so hopefully it'll be okay......I really want this to work out....cross your fingers for me please!
The other thing I'm struggling with is dependence. I don't want to be my sisters puppet. I don't want to be anybody's puppet for that matter, it's a horrible position to be in :( I'm wondering if (as I'm not working) I should try and take 3 subjects-meaning there'll be one I'll be doing completely separate from my sister, but then maybe I'd be taking on too much and trip myself up? I can of course drop the subject before census if needed.........what do you guys think?
I'm also having the thought that maybe I should cut my hair into a bob, like it'll somehow make me more professional and capable..........I have no idea where I get that feeling from. It's weird.
I'm also trying to get a firmer grip on my vision of the future and what's realistic and what's not. Is it realistic to want to study overseas or is it other people do and I never will? Will I ever get confident in social situations by myself? If I don't can I live with that? How can I live with that?
I watched a documentary of a guy who rode a horse across Mongolia to Hungary (http://www.timcopejourneys.com/page/journeys/on-the-trail-of-genghis-khan/) and I ached to do something like that, I want to have adventures and it's so frustrating that the only person stopping me is me.
Also I'm having a hard time understanding why people like baths.....it's all elbows and knees and slippery to boot.
I'd also kill for some pad thai right now....but the restaurant is an hour away......but christmas is the time to indulge yourself, right? Maybe not....
Also I'm loving this jacket, pity it's so expensive and it's, y'know summer:


jacket

Anyway that's it for now,
Vanessa
PS if you want to see something cool check out this 'average face of' link: http://justsomething.co/curious-study-calculates-the-average-female-face-for-each-country/
Cool eh?

Saturday 14 December 2013

Incel forum

The google hound strikes again! The incel forums have been down for a good while now, they may or may not be back up, but there is a new forum up-with some familiar faces-if anyone is looking:

http://yourenotalone.info/forum/index.php

I hope the information from the old site is not lost forever, that would be a pity, but I'm glad someone cared enough to start a new chapter :)
Vanessa

Thursday 12 December 2013

I hate everybody

except you. But that's conditional, are you going to be nice to me? ;)
My sister is driving me crazy. Again. Maybe one day I'll finally get used to her but I doubt it.
She now only wants to do one subject at uni. A subject I'm not doing, of course, because that is the best way to make everyones life as difficult as possible. Wouldn't want anything to be simple now. The biggest problem is this: so we do one subject for the first semester. Then what? We're behind with no hope of catching up, we've added 6-12 months to the degree and my sister has no plans to change anything in the second semester so how is she going to do more subjects then? Does she expect that the gods are just going to align so that she can work and do uni exactly when she wants? No. Sacrifices have to be made. She just doesn't want to make them. She'll complain about it after though when she's working the same job and getting the same pay. What she wants is for me to tell her to stick it, then she'll quit and blame me for her not being able to go. She's so obvious. I really don't want to give her the satisfaction but I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do now. God she makes my life hell sometimes. She's also got my mum frothing at the mouth because she's acting so entitled about everything when it's my mum whose actually doing her a favour and never the other way round-does she really not see it? Or is she just that entitled and selfish?
Vanessa

Wednesday 11 December 2013

Upsetting people without meaning to?

I take things way too personally most of the time, I feel like I have to make everyone else happy and when I don't, even if I don't know them, I feel guilty and awful :( How do I stop doing that? Why do I do it? I can't please everyone all the time right? Or am I being unreasonable? I'm a classic people pleaser and it sucks. S says I need to 'think less about other people feelings and more about your own'.
I'll be writing another post soon about my sister bing awful, but I had to get this off my chest :(
Vanessa

Monday 9 December 2013

I mostly go nude, actually

Firstly I apologise-this post is likely to be a lot less exciting then the title may at first make it appear. Sorry.
Mostly I go nude. Well my face does anyway. The only thing I put on my face with any regularity is sunblock the higher SPF the better, I'm currently using a 50 SPF powder (this one) that I like, it's transparent and so has no visible affect on my skin. Apart from protecting it from the sun one hopes anyway. Which brings me to the 'no makeup' make up look, yep you read that right, most ladies who say they don't wear much makeup or men who think a girl has no makeup on is rocking this look. It's very nice and I love it. I haven't managed it myself yet though. Here are some ladies wearing natural makeup for you to see what I'm talking about:

'no makeup' makeup

And then there are the girls that can make themselves up and look amazing, pulled together and polished, I don't think I'll ever master this one-for a start I have a habit of rubbing my eyes which isn't a good look if your eyes are all made-up. Here are some ladies wearing perfect polished makeup:
made-up

And then there's the actual no makeup look, this is how I mostly look, note there is a big difference between the two blondes and the brunette-the blondes look a bit 'blah' and muted whereas the brunette looks good with the higher contrast between her dark hair, light skin and pale eyes. I'm of the muted variety:
natural
My sister is of the high contrast group, dark brown hair, light skin and bright grey eyes, I also was much less muted when once for a very brief time my hair was red. But as I'm lazy and don't like dying my hair I'm back in the muted camp.
I feel that I should be making an effort to wear makeup, that I'll get more respect if I do, but at the same time I'm pretty inept at applying it which often looks much, much worse than forgoing it altogether. Then there's also the whole if I ever go on a date will I be able to make myself look presentable? My idea of a date look is the whole natural makeup look, I imagine for a lot of girls it's the perfect polished look though, is the natural makeup look good enough? Especially as I can't wear heels which dials down the wow/feminine factor right off the bat. I don't know. Currently I'm trying to master a simple, quick natural look using BB cream and lipstain. My sister tints my lashes so I don't have to worry about mascara, which is good cause I always end up with it everywhere! Anyway onto other things.
Uni:
I'm officially enrolled in uni now, 2 subjects picked out (chem 101 and bio 101) I need to talk to my course convener before I pick out my third subject. Scary! I've actually lost some weight from all the fretting I've been doing *sigh*
Plumbing:
Somehow our pressure system (country living people, you city folk just turn on a tap!) has taken to either blasting you with either really hot or freezing cold water. Nice. Can't get it sorted till after Christmas so it's either vigilant showers (ie jumping in and out of the water depending on the temp) or baths. I vote baths. Have to be careful though as we have to keep track of our water usage as we only have rain water in tanks.
Misc:
It would also appear that the Incel forum is dead. RIP. I'll miss you.
Boys:
I haven't meet any cute dudes nor have I started internet dating yet. I did see a cute guy with amazing blonde hair though, does that count?
Matching underwear:
Is it important? I don't know.....
Sex:
James Deen is accepting applications from normal girls to film a scene with him, if I was in america I'd be sorely tempted to apply-who better to learn from than the master? I think I might be a bit too shy for him though......and if he pulled my hair I'd have to hurt him LOL. I wonder how much you guys want to know...I don't want to over-share...but I get so sick of the perception that virgins are somehow naive and prudish about sex, or have been abused or have trouble getting aroused or orgasming or are just plain 'wrong' somehow it's just not true as blanket statements mostly aren't. I'm sure some virgins are one or some or all of the above. But I'm not. I like having sex with myself, I can have multiple orgasms, I even like reading erotica, basically the only thing missing is another person. I have no romantic illusions about having sex for the first time at all, I don't need a fairytale, just someone I like who likes me and is willing to show me the ropes-it doesn't even have to be a long term thing. I think I'm pretty realistic. Pity I'm so awfully awkward in real life though. Hmmm anyway hopefully I haven't over-shared too much :)
My readers:
Having said that if any of you want to know my opinion on something or ask me a question feel free, I don't bite ;) Even if you just want to say hi feel free to leave a comment or email, I love reading them.

Vanessa

Saturday 7 December 2013

Macs and hard drives

The hard drive in my mac is dying, has been for a while, but it's really on it's way out now. Despite the fact that it's actually a recognised fault I'm not covered because I changed my email at some point before they sent out the emails telling everyone about the fault and the free replacements stopped in April *sigh* So I'll have to pay for a backup hard drive and a new drive for the actual computer. Although I like macs and they have less general problems then PC's, in my experience, the PC problems are much easier to fix on your own-and in all the years I had my mismatched PC it never burnt out the hard drive. I could buy a new HD and put it in myself but it's a bit tricky and I really can't be bothered. So to the computer doctor an hour away it goes.
Vanessa

Monday 2 December 2013

Cranky

My niece has 6 weeks school holidays soon (!!!!) and as her mother is working it means my mother will be looking after her. She's 10. We live on a large property-she can swim. I think I'm a reasonable person. But I've been made to feel like some kind of horrible Grinch because I suggested that, you know, if she was going to watch 12 hours of mindless awful TV she might do it somewhere I'm not. Also that maybe when she's outside doing something else, or playing with the dogs, we may turn the TV off. I'm nearly positive the world won't end.
It's nearly impossible to work on my computer or think really when you have teenage girls screaming every 0.3 seconds about nothing on TV-I also really hate the blatant discrimination on these shows of anyone that's less than normal, stupid maybe but it really bothers me something fierce. Also they repeat the episodes at least 2x a day so you get to see them again and again and again. Want to know what I'm talking about? Go ahead and google iCarly or Victorious, is your brain numb yet? Don't worry there are at least another 3 shows that are nearly identical if those didn't do the trick.
I'm not anti-TV I think a few hours is great, I watch it myself, but I'm not exaggerating it goes on at 7am and doesn't turn off till 6pm when her mother picks her up. People am I being unreasonable about this?
Anyway my mother is off in a huff now so I guess I've got some peace for a little bit,
Vanessa

Sunday 1 December 2013

Paul Walker

Jesus. These sorts of things hit too close to home for me. There were 2 people in that car, 2 families will never be the same and it's going to be spread around everywhere. Someone even caught some of it one film. The poor families. The only lesson to be learned is for gods sake don't speed, always drive carefully no matter what. Oh and if I ever see anyone filming this shit on their phone they'll regret it-have some respect-the only people seeing that should be the police, not the whole world.
Vanessa