Monday 26 January 2015

Back and forth

I did my placement test on Friday, I was so terrified I actually felt nauseous. I also made the somewhat silly mistake of focusing solely on the math part and not doing any research on the english part, you know like essay structure *face palm* I also completely blanked on 'what does prestigious mean?' ah, um, oh dear! So I felt like basically I did the equivalent to a 12 year old. I was pretty bad. And focusing on study math was a waste of time as it was mostly guess work for me, none of it was anything I'd looked at. On the bright side there were a few other mature students, although most were youngsters. The staff was really, really nice and encouraging, letting me know even if my placement test was bad they could organise bridging courses, extensions if I was having anxiety and free full access to the school councillors. They were great.

I have to go back next monday for an interview and then they'll tell me how I did and what steps I need to take next. They did say that from 2016 the adult program will be longer as the government is changing the requirements :( So if I don't it done this year it'll take me longer.

But I've just been back and forth ever since honestly: can I really do this? Am I just too....something....to ever complete this type of thing? Will I ever be able to do high enough level of math? Will I get chemistry or be left feeling stupid? I don't know. Is it my own mental block that is making everything feel so hard? I'm kind of freaking out. I want to believe in myself: sure you can! But what if I can't? At least if I don't try I can't fail you know? And, yes, I realise that is a totally stupid way of thinking.

Which plays into the whole 'am I being realistic' train of thought? Is it realistic to go back to school, do all these steps, study overseas? What am I doing? Other people do it but maybe they are more capable than me. I don't know. Am I completely nuts for wanting to do these things? Is my desire to go overseas a silly frivolous one? I don't want to think so. I hope I can get there one day. But I've been having some doubts about just about everything lately. It's not fun.

In other news we pulled up the old floor and pulled out the kitchen in our new house, so we now have no lounge and no kitchen.Oh and dust everywhere. Good times. I've moved the computer 3 times in the last 3 weeks. Our bedroom carpet was delayed and is finally (I hope!) getting laid tomorrow, which means I can finally put up my new bed and mattress. I'm looking forward to that, my current hand-me-down bed sucks in a major way. I haven't been sleeping well at all, up till 12pm or later and then waking up at around 3am and tossing and turning. Part of this is anxiety I'm sure, but I'm equally sure some of it is my saggy, hot mattress and the fact that it sits off the headboard a bit making my pillow just sit wrong. Argh. I've been watching some home improvement shows for decorating ideas, I'm a bit tentative but I think I have some idea what we'll be doing with the kitchen and also my room, I hope. One big debate I'm having is wether or not I want a desk in my room. It's big enough for sure but I've never had my computer in my room with me and I kind of like my room being my 'me' space. No computer or phone etc, but maybe the privacy of having my computer in my room would be nice? I don't know. I've been eyeing ikea desks anyway ;)
Kitchen planning is somewhat complicated, we're going with white cupboards and wood benches.....but there are still soooooooo many choices, like flat doors? Bevelled doors? Plank style doors? And what colour wood bench, light? Medium? Dark? And then what about the splash backs? Colour? Glass? Tile? One thing is for sure I can't wait to have a kitchen and lounge again!

Vanessa

PS I had a dream someone cut my hair. Any ideas what that means? I wasn't even upset about it....*shrugs*

PPS Happy Australia day everyone!

Saturday 17 January 2015

The backpack of disappointment

backpack


In my experience buying things for hypothetical school plans are a waste of time and an exercise in disappointment. I'm really hoping this time will be different. That this time it won't be a backpack of disappointment. I want a backpack of success this time. I realise that a lot of the time the disappointment has been a self fulfilling prophecy, my own fault, my own loss of enthusiasm or getting overwhelmed by anxiety.

I think that's why I've been so cautious this time round, looking into every available avenue or pathway, it's been exceedingly confusing but I think I now know the best way to get to where I want to go-not the easiest or quickest way maybe but the most likely for me to succeed at. I don't like the idea of going back to foundation skills solely due to the fact I'm sure it'll mostly be 16 year olds and that's like my worst nightmare (teenagers are mean and judgemental from past experience), but I guess I need to tell myself that I'm there to learn not to hangout with classmates and tough it out. I hope I can do it and not have a freakout. I'm (read me and my mum) going to go along to the open days for both the foundation skills and the high school diploma courses, hopefully they can help me pick the best way to get where I want to. We'll see I guess. I'm already pretty nervous. Anyway here is the plan for now:
*Foundation skills in areas I need, probably math, biology, chemistry
*High school diploma subjects as needed, again proably math, biology, chemistry and maybe one english
*Apply to Uni, I'm now thinking of apply to 2 Unis-the original one I was looking at and another slightly more prestigious one-both are away from home, I can't find a uni offering the course I want near home unfortunately
*Once I get that organised then I'll start looking into exchange or if I want to defer to travel or transfer to an overseas college
*It's a rather unusual course so exchange opportunities mat be limited-I dunno.

This is probably going to take a while *sigh* I feel like I'm getting further and further behind every year, I sometimes wonder if it's worth trying at all.

Vanessa

Saturday 10 January 2015

Not so great really

I got some not great news yesterday. To start at the beginning, in this new town we're living in (very small BTW under 3000 people) there just happens to be a uni tertiary prep teacher-not the prep I was looking at but one similar at a different uni- her husband is a math teacher. I'm glad they gave it to me straight, and it's what I've been thinking anyway but still disappointing, they said it would make more sense and be better for confidence to start at 'foundation skills', or year 10 basically, before going on to tertiary prep and then ,ultimately, university. That could take 2 years, definitely a year anyway at the very least and likely a year and a half. If I was 22 or 24 I wouldn't really worry about it, plenty of time to fit everything in. But at 27 soon to be 28 it puts a slightly different spin on things, mostly because I want to travel and for some reason working visas for australians seem to all cut off at 31. So if I do foundations skills at 28, tertiary prep for half a year at 29, then start a 3 year degree in the last half of 29 I'd be 32 at graduation. There are some ways around this, I could for example study a couple of years overseas, but the youth working visas will be lost to me. Is that a big enough deal to delay trying to go to school and try and travel first? Will I be too old at 32 to realistically enjoy the travel experience/have the social experience? Heck maybe I'm already to old for that! What is more important? What am I more likely to succeed at? Am I too old to be going back to year 10 skills? Am I too old to really ever grasp chemistry? Is it time to maybe think about trying something else? Is it time to buckle down and get it done once and for all?
I always feel embarrassed by thinking of going back to foundation skills.....I feel way to old for that.....I feel like people are judging me for having left school so early, I know it wasn't my fault but I still feel guilty and embarrassed about it: like if only I'd been a stronger more resilient person it never would've happened.
This is really hard for me.
What do you guys think?
Vanessa

Friday 9 January 2015

Lets get real

Time I've been writing this blog: 1 and 1/2 years. 
Things that have changed since I started this blog:
* Moved from the farm to a new house for the first time in my life.
* Made some online friends. You know who you are *waves* Love you guys.
Things that haven't changed that I would like to change:
* Still no more independent
* Haven't  got my licence
* Still haven't gone back to any kind of education
* Still haven't meet any real life love interests 
* Haven't joined any classes or achieved any exercise goals
* Still haven't mastered braiding my hair, seriously. 
Now who's fault is that? Mine. If I want something I have to get it done, other people can't do it for me. Other people can provide invaluable support of course but they can't fix my life for me. It's my fear, anxiety and dragging my feet that is stopping me. I know this. I'm willing to admit it freely. But I'm not so sure how to fix it. I can make plans. I can daydream. I can even enrol/join/promise. Then I can go ahead and do nothing at all and continue to be miserable. I don't want to do that. I'm pretty sure you don't want me to do that. I have got plans for the coming year. And I'm hoping that they'll work out, but I sometimes wonder if anything will work out or I'll still be here 20 years from now writing a slightly different post about pretty much the same stuff. I don't want that. I don't really know what to do. But I guess I'm going to try.
Vanessa

Wednesday 7 January 2015

Dear blog

Sometimes you're a lot of work but you're also pretty amazing in many ways. I somehow managed to miss your first birthday by 6 and a bit months.....whoops. My first ever blog post was on the 10th of June 2013, so yeah I've been doing this whole blogging thing for 1 and a half years....I think that's the longest I've ever stuck at anything in my adult life. Which is pretty sad, but I digress. Maybe soon I'll stick at something else for a while too? I hope so.

Anyway this year I'll make sure to remember my blogs birthday!

Vanessa

Monday 5 January 2015

Could I be anymore awkward?


Probably not. Even though consciously this move hasn't shook me up too badly I think it's doing a number on me subconsciously. I really thought I was improving a little bit before we moved-feeling a tinsy bit more confident and not being so horribly tongue tied and awkward around new people. I seem to have reverted to my silent-unless-spoken-to ways and even then I only give a monosyllabic answer! Argh! People think I'm aloof and arrogant or just a bitch and I have no idea what to do-I just can't seem to get a handle on myself somehow. It's so bloody frustrating! Does any one else have this happen? Or am I just truly unfortunate? It's really not a nice headspace to be in when I'm thinking of trying to go to school and be around other people. Worst is the fact I really, really want to connect with other people but I just can't seem to reach out of my shell :( I feel like a parody of a human being. Something went wrong somewhere along the line with me and I have no idea how to fix it.


I watched 'the wetlands' last night and wished I was more like the lead character (as in she really, really doesn't care)......but really how bad is it when you want to be more like a deranged completely gross chick? Who still got the absolutely gorgeous boy might I add? I'd like tp think I'm not as weird as that chick, but you know what? In a totally different (can't stress this enough....I cringed and laughed my way through the movie in equal parts.....gross man!)  way maybe I'm actually weirder and it's just no one finds my brand of strange all that attractive? 

Vanessa

PS it doesn't help my mum keeps pointing out how award I am. Jesus. Doesn't she think I'd change it if I could?

Thursday 1 January 2015

Lets talk new years resolutions shall we?

I kind of fail at new years resolutions. Usually I don't have them as a) I suck at making lists, b) I suck at following through on lists and c) I usually don't believe I'll do whatever it is I'm making a list about. Yeah. I really need to work on that. Making goals is important. Achieving them even more so. In that vein I'll do a new years res list and see what happens:
* Learn to cook a few more healthy recipes. I can cook but mostly it's comfort food.....and I want to learn some light tasty recipes for if I'm living on my own.
* See the new hobbit movie in the actual cinema
* Keep posting on my blog
* Travel to Europe with my sister (this is tentative, my sister changes her mind like nothing else)
* Get my P-plates/provisional licence
* Use my new life planner!!!
* Wear my jewellery more often, it may not be worth $$$ but I enjoy it so I should wear it more
* Find a tinted moisturiser I like and learn to use it
* Tint my eyelashes
* Stop putting stuff down and forgetting it! I do this all the time with my phone and handbag.....it's just a matter of time before they're permanently gone!
But by far the biggest one of all:
* Figure out the whole university situation!
This is a multi tiered problem to solve, not the least of which is my own feeling that I just won't succeed so why even try? I really need to work on getting over that. Period. So in breaking it down I can't make the big decision up front so I've made a series of smaller steps:
* step one see a math/science tutor, show them the course out line, do some tutoring and see where they think I need to start ie pre-high school diploma, high school diploma or TPP
* Once I've done that I'll enrol in which ever one is the most suitable. No excuses.
* If I fail try again. And again. Don't just give up.

So that's a start right?

Vanessa