Friday 30 August 2013

Dear universe: Don't even. I take it back.

So you know those last 2 post where I said life pretty much couldn't get any worse? Yeah I jinxed myself. I've just noticed I have some 'smudges' (they look like faded bruises or dirt) at the ends of both my eyebrows (the ear end) and under one eye........some quick google-ing has lead me to believe that it's likely melasma bought on by the BC pill. I only take BC to control my cycle, obviously. Neither my mother or sister ever had this when they were pregnant/using BC. Why me? Why? So what do I do? Go off BC and not leave the house for 2 weeks of every month cause my body is trying to kill me and spend the other 2 in dreaded anticipation? Or never leave the house because my face is covered in weird blotchy pigment/looks like it's smeared with dirt? I've been on the pill for over 6 years, why now? What I'm going to do: nothing. Well not right now anyhow, it's very subtle and I only noticed it cause the lighting was really good and I had my fringe pinned back (maybe it's been there for ages and I just haven't noticed? It's possible)-it doesn't show in photos and is easily covered-if it doesn't get any worse I can live with it. I'm not happy about it but I can deal. I am going to up my sunscreen (yay for itchy red eyes!) to an SPF 30 with zinc, as recommended by articles online, as I notice it's slightly worse on the side of the car I sit on the most and maybe I'll try some vit A or bleaching later if I think I need to. If it gets worse I'm going to have to do something, I just don't know what. Please don't let it get any worse. *sigh*
I'm thinking of buying this dress to cheer myself up: http://www.asos.com/au/ASOS/ASOS-Rose-Watercolour-Skater-Dress/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=3091900&SearchQuery=skater%20dress&sh=0&pge=1&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Cream

Cute, eh?
Vanessa

Wednesday 28 August 2013

Dear universe: you suck

Another exciting week. Well no, not really. I read some of these blog posts (I know what the hell was I thinking): http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/03/what-men-think-about-your-virginity.html apparently I should just go live under a rock. This is also true if you're over 30 and/or you don't have killer hair. I realise this should not be taken too seriously but at the same time I wonder how many men think like this? Am I really over the hill at 26? My sister is still hot at 36, is she over the hill? What 'number' am I? I come from a family of unfairly attractive people, both my sisters were/are drop dead gorgeous, my niece is pretty cute, my dad was movie star attractive (why didn't he pass on those dimples, dammit?) and my mum was not to shabby either. I resent the fact that I'm the only ordinary/plain one in my family, why me? If I had been blessed with the best personality I wouldn't mind so much but I'm definitely the only really quiet and shy one too. *sigh* And the double standard of age in dating, what's with that? They make it sound like women don't recognise that younger men might be hot, that only men can see that a 20 year old college student is really beautiful (and also not off limits), but that women should always date 'older' then they are-why? I also find 20 year old college students unfairly attractive, much more attractive then the 40 year old balding man with bad teeth and a beer gut behind the counter at the convenience store, the 20 year old is not in my dating 'range', the 40 year old is. If I was a man? The 40 year old would be out of my 'dating range' but the 20 year old would be in it. Confusing. Also I'm not saying older men can't be very attractive, they certainly can be, as a matter of fact my dad was much older than my mother and they were great together, and I also understand the reproductive issue, but really whats five years one way or the other? That's my personal view on this, not that dudes are knocking down my door or anything, but I'd date 5 years younger to 5 years older. Are you confused yet? I am. I confuse myself LOL Anyway in line with this a local high school teacher has been flirting with the girls at the school, he's 26, the reaction? Well of course he's tempted what with all those young girls flirting with him! Unacceptable in my opinion, and I can't help but wonder how different (and likely disgusted) these same people would be if it was a women doing this-it should be equally unacceptable for both sexes. On a completely unrelated note I've booked in to have my hair cut and am now freaking out about it. I feel so much of my identity is tied up with my hair, if someone asks me what I like the most about myself my hair is always the answer without even thinking about it, I think it will probably be good for me to look at myself as something other than just hair, maybe I'll grow a bit as a person? Maybe I'll end up at a shrink's, who knows? Well I'll let you guys know anyhow :)
That's all for now,
Vanessa
PS I found this hair blog: http://365goodhairdays.wordpress.com/ her hair's about the length I'm going to be cutting to, the dip dye is very cool and she does amazing styles with it :) I hope I can too.
Also found these: www.curlformers.com hopefully I can use them in my hair.......I love curls!

Friday 23 August 2013

Life in colour

It's been hard to get to writing this post, and I'm sure it will come out a bit disjointed but it is what it is.
Lately I've been feeling that life is all in shades of grey. I'm not enjoying or looking forward to anything. I feel like my hope has deserted me for greener pastures somewhere, that the future is bleak and I'm not really sure what to do about anything. I feel unmotivated and unhappy all the time, like I'll never master anything or do anything worthwhile so why bother at all? I'm pretty sure this could be classed as depression, I've never really understood it before but now I do-for me it feels like that spark that makes life worth living is gone, that little glimmer of hope that no matter how bad things are there's an end is gone, the excitement of looking forward to a little thing like a favourite meal. My friend invited me to a sporting event and I don't want to go, I said yes anyway, I don't even know why I don't want to go? Am I depressed about thinking I'll never have a social life? Or am I depressed that I don't want one? How do I tell the difference? Would I enjoy hanging out with like minded people, or do I just think I would? Do I really want to go to a music concert if I could find someone to go with or is that just an excuse never to go because there might never be someone to go with? At the moment I don't want to see anyone, but I keep daydreaming about having a close circle of friends, maybe even a boyfriend, so is it just my depression talking or do I really not want to see anyone? I don't know. I daydream about finding it easy to talk to new people, make friends, be the kind of person who enjoys and finds all those things easy. It's hard to accept I'll never be that person. Is it even worth worrying about my hair and clothes if no one else cares about them? Is it worth trying to master a new skill when I feel sure to fail? Is it worth fighting for the small things when I can't see myself ever beating the bigger most important ones (like gaining my independence)? I feel stretched tight all the time like I don't belong, I just want to get away be somewhere (someone?) else. Do I matter if no one else cares? I don't know. Hopefully this bout won't last too long :(
Vanessa
PS At the moment I'm trying to focus on learning to braid, I'm not feeling very motivated, but at least I'm trying. Heres some braid inspiration for you all:

Wednesday 14 August 2013

Fashion and me. Or maybe that should be un-fashion and me.

Hello everyone! I've had an absolutely crazy, stressful few weeks mostly tying up loose ends with my old business and trying to figure out what now? But I thought it was about time for a new post, so here it is :)
I don't really have my own sense of style. It's something that irritates me about myself, surely at 26 I should have my own sense of style! My sister has her own very distinctive sense of style ( so does my 10 year old niece!), as do most people I know, and I just kind of float about not quiet sure which way is up honestly. I will sometimes hit on a celebs fashion that I really like, but really how realistic is that for everyday? I don't know. My mother is not into fashion at all and I'm not really sure if that has effected my lack of style identity/interest.......maybe I'm just lazy? I mostly wear jeans (not skinny ones, or flared ones...just um normal ones?), a T-shirt (sometimes a mans T-shirt, cause they are longer/bigger and you can work in them) and a jumper or hoodie. That's it. I own a couple of pair of converse which I love, but mostly I just wear whatever slip-on shoe I've acquired that year until they wear out. Whenever I do make an effort I usually feel like it's a waste of time, why bother when the only interest it'll garner is of the 'why so dressed up' kind, I usually just end up feeling silly and judged. I also envy girls who can apply make up really well and do their hair many different ways-I can't do make up at all and I'm generally make up free and the only hair style I seem to be able to manage is a simple plait. More on hair later. This may lead you to think that the only clothes I have are jeans, T-shirts and hoodies.......not true.....I actually have a really lovely array of cute dresses and tops (example: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/doll-in-all-dress, cute right?) that I very rarely if ever wear, not that I don't want to I just don't want to be over dressed or look silly and I'm not really sure how to judge. So jeans and Ts are a safe choice. I even wore jeans to an awards dinner once!  And if you're wearing a cute outfit you're also going to want to have nice hair and makeup to match, which adds another obstacle to the getting ready debacle. As I'm not working or studying right now I'm not really being forced to make any style choices, but even if I were I'd likely end right back on jeans and Ts doorstep, which there's nothing wrong with-if thats where you want to be, I don't. One thing I love universally but rarely wear (sometimes, when I'm going to the city) are necklaces, I own quiet a few and I love them. I also love high heels and own a couple of pairs-I never wear them cause I can't walk in them! I do sometimes wear wedges in summer. I have a cycle of trying to dress up then deciding it makes 0 difference to anything and go straight back to where I started. I do the same with hair and makeup. I think in my crucial style developing years (which I'm thinking are from about 14 to about 19) I was isolated and essentially uninterested in clothes at all, as a matter of fact I think I mostly more my sisters hand me downs during that period with no complaints :) I've only just learned how to paint my own nails. Now onto hair. I'm beginning to think my hair stops people from approaching me. No I'm serious. Let me explain: I have long hair, like butt length long, and I'm seriously beginning to suspect people think I'm either really religious or slightly crazy. It also makes it hard to leave my hair down or do much with at all. So I'm seriously thinking of cutting it to between waist and mid-back length (think this length: http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/xIiUieAaUF3/2011+Teen+Choice+Awards+Arrivals+2/V3yQS5iucU5/Holland+Roden) which, whilst still being long, is more 'normal' hence approachable. It also means I might be able to leave it down more and maybe figure out some more styles I can do. I don't know, but it's only hair and it'll grow back! Anyway here are some stylish ladies I would love to emulate:










Phew! Sorry for all the pic spam! But now you know what I mean when I say I don't want to be just a jeans and T girl. I mean just sometimes I'd like something a little different :)) Maybe it's just a lack of self confidence? (if you're not a size 6 don't even bother! Type attitude) I don't know.
Also here is a blog with a girl with really cool style: http://janagodin.blogspot.com.au/
Some of which I love and some of which I don't, she seems really cool too!
Anyway that's it for now (sorry about the slightly disjointed layout),
Vanessa