Thursday 31 October 2013

It's nice to be a lunatic

Yeah, I've been listening to Ian Dury (if you're wondering which song my post title comes from it's 'Hit me with your rhythm stick'.........yeah...). Don't ask.
I thought I'd flesh out my Uni course info here (as it's pretty non-specific) just to give you guys an idea of what the game plan is, at the moment anyhow:
I'm applying for, in order, 1st choice Bachelor of Biomedical science (sounds scary right? But is actually the same as a Bachelor of applied science in human biology at the uni I'm looking at), 2nd choice Bachelor of science (likely majoring in human biology) and 3rd Diploma of science (which is a stepping stone into the 2 above courses)
So that is what I've got down on my application at the moment, we're heading across tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty nervous about the whole thing.
I've had a bit of a return of the 'why me?' feeling these last few days, feeling down and worth less then other people. Wishing for the trillionth time that things were different. That I was different. Worried it'll never get any better.
I went to the hairdresser who told me I had 'a nice shaped face' and 'petite, delicate features', I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I've always thought I had quiet strong features, perhaps my perception is off, I got a bit of a shock when I saw me and my sister in a mirror at the shopping centre and realised her nose is actually bigger then mine........I never would've seen it except I just sort of glanced up and before I could even think I'd sort of noticed the difference between us. Weird.
I've also being impatiently awaiting my registration to the incel forums, none of the new members have posted so far, when I realised I had this perception that it wouldn't be a very long list of people waiting and then realised that was a silly thing to think-goes to show just how unusual we've been primed to see incel as in the general community.
I watched a documentary called 'turn me into a eunuch' this week as well, I felt very sad for one of the young men who had decided to have the procedure done, I think everyone has a right to choose what to do with their body-including castration if that's what they want, the thing that got me was this kid (he was 20) had 0 counselling or therapy before it was done-he just booked an appointment with the doctor and did it. He then regretted having done it, it's irreversible. He should never have been able to make that decision without serious therapy.
I've had a weird week.
Vanessa
PS here is my brighten up my post section. I really need to get some of these shirts.

Shirts


And the kinds of things I'd wear to uni.....I've decided I'm likely the least cool person ever

school


Saturday 26 October 2013

Yes. No. Maybe?

So firstly I'd just like to say sorry for all my complaining. It's likely to continue.......this is the only place I talk about these things, it's a relief but I worry I'm boring people stupid, so, yeah, sorry if that's the case!
First things first: my sister is back. That didn't last long at all. It's okay, but I'm really sick of hearing about how great my niece is. That probably makes me a bad person but I can't help it.
Second: My sister wants to go back to uni. This is both good (someone I can go with to start) and bad (my sister can be really cruel to me and am I ever going to grow as a person in my big sister's shadow?). She's basically talked me into applying, which isn't a bad thing-at least I'll be moving forward, we're going across to the campus next friday to apply. We're applying for different courses but they share basically the same first year subjects which, again, is good (we can study together) and bad (again with the being cruel, just general things like 'don't you get it?' whilst eye rolling or 'shut up, no one cares what you think' or 'at least I can do x' clearly implying my lack of social skills). Theres also no way that I won't be overshadowed by her, it just is.
So about school. I'm terrified, mainly that I'll have trouble keeping up academically as I have a small base knowledge in math and science. There's a good chance as I'm mature age that I'll get into the degree directly, this scares me as I worry I won't be able to keep up without the foundations and that I won't be able to catch them up in the next three months. Then there's the social side, I probably won't fit in and I need to accept that, I'm not a friendly outgoing person-it's disappointing but a fact. There's also the fact that I'll be around a bunch of young people who will no doubt be dating whilst I watch on, wanting that but not knowing how.
On the bright side even if I make no friends and get nowhere with dating etc at least I'll be achieving something other than sitting around all day worrying over my lack of a life. And I'm excited by the possibility of going on an exchange, after all what better time to come out of my shell and get some experience than on the other side of the world?-and again if worst comes to worst it'll only be 6 or so months without my family. If I get through and graduate then there may be an opportunity to study a postgrad course in another country (Like A over at An introverts party), which could be good for me.
So I might be needing some of these things:

school



school


And if I ever get to graduate (people dress up for that right? :)) I might get to wear something like this:
Graduation


Pretty dress


 Anyway I just want to thank you guys for being my friends so far, you have no idea how much I appreciate it!
Vanessa

Tuesday 22 October 2013

Realisation

I realise that this probably sounds a bit daft but in the last few days I've kind of figured out that I really have nothing to look forward to. No goals so to speak. Well apart from huge ones well off into the future. That maybe I've been obsessing about my situation (rather then it just being a part of who I am it's become who I am) to the detriment of my ability to concentrate on or achieve anything else. That's not a good place to be. So busy wondering why/what/how I've got here instead of thinking of what I could be achieving in spite of that. I read about other people achieving things, making plans and setting goals, and think, yes I could do that! But then the doubt creeps in. I hate that. I'm not exactly sure how to break out of the mind rut I'm in, I don't want to enrol at uni and not give it my best shot-I want to succeed, I don't have to be the best but I do want to pass. I worry that maybe I really am not actually able to do anything of any note, my mind too scrambled and unable to concentrate. And then there's the worry of spending time away from my family, not only are they inbuilt company but I always worry that something could happen and I'd have missed valuable time with them. I think I have a heightened sense of worry about this due to my previous losses, I know I'd be so guilty if I was off doing something and something happened. I worry about my mother having to do things on her own, despite her being perfectly capable, but what if something happens? Sure puts a damper on looking forward to an exchange. I know most kids can't wait to get away from their families, I honestly wonder if they regret that later? Do they regret not getting to know their parents as adults? Not hearing their stories? My fondest memories of my father are all his stories, I wonder if I'd gone the conventional path if I'd have been in uni when he'd died? Not got the chance to say goodbye? I don't know. Maybe it would have been better, no terrible memories of being able to do nothing to help. I don't know.
Sometimes I think I don't know anything.

laptops


Edited to add: my mother also keeps saying things like 'you could do x instead of uni' or 'it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out' or 'you can still do x if it doesn't work out' what she's trying to say is: even if you fail it'll be okay, it doesn't matter. What I hear: 'you're probably going to fail, but don't worry about it!' *sigh*
Vanessa

Saturday 19 October 2013

'Safe' people and what that means

As requested by Matt79. As it turns out this is harder to describe than I thought it would be, I think the easiest simple explanation is that safe people are to me what a favourite blanket or particular stuffed toy is to a child-security. I can go pretty much anywhere and do what I need to if I have a safe person with me, I don't need them glued by my side just the knowledge they're there and I can find them if I need to is enough. Examples of things I can do comfortably with safe people but freak me out on my own:
Going to a movie
Shopping
Going to any sports/social event (although even with a safe person crowds freak me out a bit)
Going out to eat
Traveling
Catching public transport

Actually the list is pretty hugely long, the only things I don't do with a safe person are at home (another safe place)-I quiet often spend most of my time alone at home. It's a bit like giving yourself a needle, nearly everyone is capable of doing it, nobody wants to do it and if you don't have to you avoid it as best you can, that's what doing stuff without my safe person is like. Of course if I can catch the train with a safe person it stands to reason I can do it by myself, but its an anxiety inducing thought so I avoid doing so. Worst still is the fact that even if I force myself to do it a few times it doesn't seem to make it all that much better, I'm apparently hard to desensitise. And then theres the fact that in social situations if I was as confident as I am with a safe person it'd go just as well as when I had my safe person, unfortunately I'm not so I get all nervous and say stupid things and sweat. A safe person is basically someone I trust implicitly to back me up, for example my friend K is like half a safe person, I don't trust her to back me up implicitly and sometimes she'll make a bit of fun or not want to leave when I'm uncomfortable, therefore most of our outings (few and far between) have an undercurrent of anxiety and tension from me. So it's very hard for me to imagine doing everyday things that a lot of people take for granted, I've found a lot of info on social anxiety on the net but not such a lot of info on 'safe' people-I'm assuming it's either not all that common or most people with anxiety don't have the luxury of having safe people. I think safe people might actually be a section of agoraphobia-instead of a safe place you have a safe person. I'm not entirely sure.
Hopefully that makes things a bit clearer,
Vanessa

Wednesday 16 October 2013

What the hell?

My (sometimes) friend K invited me to go with her and a bunch of friends to a male stripper show. Yeah you read that right. Now I do not care if people want to pay to see other people take their clothes off-seriously knock yourself out. So I politely declined thinking that it was a perfectly reasonable answer to the question. As it turns out I was wrong about that. Everybody (and I mean everybody, I told my mum about it in a isn't-that-crazy-! type of way. She said 'you should go' um...what?) seems to think I'm crazy. Am I crazy? Maybe a little bit, but I think it's reasonable that I don't want to watch a bunch of naked dudes cavort about on a stage-it's not likely to help me personally and I doubt one of them is going to ask me out for coffee after either. Likely it'd just leave me embarrassed and out of sorts in front of K's friends who I don't know, oh and there should be ample opportunity for K to passively aggressively bring up my lack of dude experience. Or suggest I go on a reality TV show to find a husband. Again. But once again their doubts have bleed over onto me and now I'm wondering if I am indeed crazy for not going.
In other news I'm having a not so great week where I'm being forced to part with some critters I was rather attached too so I'm feeling pretty sad. And then there's the fact that I just can't seem to decide if I should apply for uni or not, I'm irritating myself with my indecision. Somedays I get excited at the thought, getting ready each day, learning things, walking around campus, hopefully meeting some new friends, the possibility of studying abroad but then I think the reality is likely to be very different and, probably, stressful not to mention tiring and I go of to mope about my lack of direction and inability to make a decision like a normal person.
Yep. So I made an outfit on polyvore instead, because I can do that and it brightens up my posts:

Spring open garden


That's it for now,
Vanessa

Tuesday 15 October 2013

Is acceptance bad or good? I can't decide.

In theory acceptance is good, right? As in, maybe I won't meet someone or get married or have kids-and thats okay, I'll be okay! But, for me, is that really acceptance or is that just trying to tell myself that to make myself feel better? And is accepting that world view akin to giving up or not? Am I as likely to try as hard if I think that way? Obviously if I truly felt that way and I never do have a relationship/get married/have children it may be easier to accept that reality then if I keep trying and still get nowhere. But then will I feel I didn't try as hard as I should have? I think if you truly feel that way soul deep then you are more likely to find someone (that kind of soul deep acceptance shows I think), but conversely I also think if it never does they'd be happier in their lives. Sometimes I truly wish I had no desire for any kind of relationship, then I'd never feel like I was missing out. Here is a blog post where I read about another persons opinion on being alone: http://tryingtofigurelife.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/being-single-and-why-thats-okay/
It's very well written and it really got me thinking about my feelings on the matter. At the moment I can honestly say I'm not okay with it, but I also wonder if having that first relationship may be more than enough to make me not want anymore........maybe I'm just missing something I've been told I should want but that, once I know what it's like, I don't really want? Or maybe it'll be worse after because I'll know what I'm missing out on. It's confusing.
Yesterday we (my mum, me and my sister) went shopping in our nearest big city, and I saw all the usual couples holding hands and cuddling and I felt the intense longing as always for that, the 'I wonder what that's like? Must be nice' type feelings (I have those same feelings about valentines day and specially thought out gifts, it must be nice for someone to think of you and buy you something just because they think you'd like it), I sometimes get a teeny bit jealous but mostly it's just longing to experience that someday. But, as always, after being amongst all those people I felt small and unimportant-like I'm somehow worth less then they are, it's a feeling I really hate but can't help but feel, that somehow with all my problems I'm a lesser person. Sometimes I feel that way about other parts of my life too, like does it really matter if I achieve something if it's just for me? Who really cares? Is my opinion worth less due to my lack of experiences? Maybe. It's sucky feeling like that all the time.
On a completely different note I'm having a bit of a love hate thing going on with Lana Del Rey at the moment-I love some of her music and feel blah at best about the rest, I love some of her style choices (see below) and I look at others and cringe. I usually either love an artist or I don't so this is new territory for me :) I'm kind of enjoying it.
Vanessa

Classic style


Saturday 12 October 2013

Life experiences, expectations and age limits

This is sort of a rehash of things I've said before but in more detail. It's all a bit scrambled in my brain so I'm not sure how it'll come out on paper....
I think we all have expectations of when certain things will happen in our lives. Consciously (people with 10 years plans) and subconsciously (people who just thought 'it'll happen'), I guess I'm in the later category. When I was 16 I assumed by 19 I would've met someone. When 19 came and went I just assumed I'd meet someone by the time I was 23. When I turned 24 I went, huh maybe that won't happen on it's own.........then I thought nah they always say it happens when you least expect it. Besides I was young and I didn't have to worry yet. 25 was really a defining year, it was the most miserable birthday I could remember, suddenly I was on the clock-sure I was still young but I wasn't in the early twenties brigade anymore and I was out of the 'young and stupid' is acceptable stage. I freaked out. I've never done stupid things but I suddenly felt resentful that (even though I didn't want to) my chance to party all night, experiment and do things on a whim had disappeared. And on top of that was all information I could gather pointed to the unavoidable fact that: under 25 never had a relationship=sort of cute over 25 never had a relationship=red flag,abort!
I wanted to try and at least get my first kiss before 26 (only a decade or so late....) but as you can all guess that didn't work out. 25 was a really shitty year, I had my first up all night shivering shaking what-if-it-never-happens-for-me freak outs, I cried a bit about being so abnormal, questioned the universe: why me?, I lost weight because I wasn't interested in food and I desperately searched for likeminded souls and stories about people like me on the net. This was in some ways reassuring (I'm not the only one! And this person was x age before it happened for them) and in some ways not (everyone seems to think it's really weird. This person is x years old and it never happened for them). I've moved on now from the freak out stage, I've realised theres no point moping over what hasn't happened yet, there's no point my sitting here worrying myself silly over it-I might as well at least try and do something worthwhile in another part of life whilst I'm working on this part. Of course romantic expectations are only part of it. As a female I have to consider my age in relation to having a family, at the moment I'm not 100% set in cement sure wether I do or don't want kids (lets just say my niece is being pretty effective birth control these past few weeks...) but if I get to 35 without a partner I'll have to make the decision wether to go ahead and have a family on my own-this is not only expensive but hard as I'd have no partner nor extended family for support, apart from my mother who will be of an age where it would be unreasonable to expect her to do much. I'm sure it would be great and all but it's not what I imagined, for me or any children, I was very close with my dad and I just can't imagine not having had him in my life. I don't want to have to make that decision. Unlike my sister who scorns marriage I want to walk down the aisle one day, I want to pick out a dress and one day I'd like to pick the colours out for a nursery too. And then there are the other smaller expectations I had about what I'd have experienced by now, like road trips, solo travel, going to university and having met more adult friends. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I've not been influenced wrongly by movies and books-not everyones life is a constant movement of fun and friends. How many friends do most people really have? From some of the hobbiest forums I'm on it would seem most people are lucky to have 1 or 2 friends. And as adults we're often not that close to our friends either, we may talk once or twice a month but we're not in constant contact. Of course there are people who do have a big social circle and are in constant communication, they seem like the happiest people but not all of us are able to do that. And then there's the fact that not having a gaggle of friends seems to be another red flag amongst the dating crowd. As I get older I also notice how young everyone else is, I feel like I'm the oldest person doing any given thing, there's always some up and coming person who is super talented and together and is 20, life and praise seems to be for the under 25's once you turn 25 you're meant to no longer need praise nor reassurance apparently. But maybe I just feel that way because I missed out on all those experiences I think I should have had. I've also noticed, as is invertible I guess, that people my age are starting to get serious about relationships (I had the exact stats somewhere but I can't find them...) they start getting engaged and married, or they're living together, or they have a kid together. When you're 19-25 relationships are evolving all the time, hookups, breakups, makeups most people aren't seriously attached and it's arguably the best time to meet someone. By 26 it would seem like about 60% of people are in serious relationships, I'd only imagine it grows more and more the older you get. And then there are divorcees and stepchildren which add another complexity to an already complex situation, then chuck in someone with 0 relationship experience and the whole thing just seems impossible. There's also the fact that men in the 30-40 age range tend to date down (20-28) leaving even less interested men in the 30-40 age group for women.

I've found a couple of over 26 first experiences:
http://www.salon.com/2012/08/17/27_and_never_been_kissed/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/first-kiss-awkward-help-me-147453/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2174873/Jennifer-Nichols-I-saved-kiss-man-I-going-marry-Olympic-archer-virgin.html
http://captainawkward.com/2011/05/17/reader-question-50-im-a-27-year-old-virgin-and-im-mostly-okay-with-that-but-sometimes-i-feel-like-a-loser/

On the bright side apparently I'm a unicorn. I like unicorns. And I can still pat one. So there.
And just to brighten this post up here's a really pretty dress that I want:

long multiway dress


Vanessa
PS Don't you hate that those % of single people stats include people who are in relationships but not married? I don't consider them single.......

Wednesday 9 October 2013

The obligatory what I want in a guy post

Well not really but I thought people might be curious. I'd like to preface this with: I'd be willing to throw all of these out the window if I was feeling 'it' with someone.

My list, lets start with the basics, appearance:

Race: Don't care really. If I like you I like you.

Hair: I love curly hair. Love it, don't mind if its straight either though, I just think curly hair is cute. Blonde, black, brown, red I like them all. I like it from a couple inches long to shoulder length. Not so keen on dreads or shaved heads.

Facial hair: big no from me. I don't like beards or moustaches and don't even get me started on soul patches. I get if a guy wants to grow it out just to see what it's like or participate in movember or has a superstition to not shave during his sports finals-thats fine. If it's permanent then no thank you. I don't mind stubble at all.

Eyes: I like all eye colours. But I must admit I love pale eyes best. But not a huge factor.

Height: Taller than me. Even if by just an inch. I'm 5'6.

Body: I don't mind skinny guys (skinny nerds? Yep), fit guys (not body builders though) and normal everyday guys. I'm average weight so I tend to like a equal level from potential partners.

Tattoos: not my favourite things. A few small ones are fine, but not a huge consideration. Unless they are gang or prison tattoos.

Piercings: again I don't love them. I've never been attracted to someone with them so I can't say if I'd care or not if I was interested in someone.

Dress sense: Only huge flag here is wearing pants so low you can see their underwear. I can't stand that. Other than that I don't worry too much.

Then onto personality traits I like:
# Kind
# Funny, not a deal breaker at all but as I'm a bit quiet I like someone who can make me laugh
# Outgoing, again not a deal breaker but it does help given that I'm shy and reserved
# Faithful, goes without saying really
# Non smoker, if you do and want to quit off your own bat thats fine. But I don't want to nag you to quit, which I know I will do even if I don't want to
#Not a huge drinker, if you go out to the pub once a week okay. But having a drink every night? Not for me.
#Not a huge partier, once a month (I'm talking a big all night party or a club) is okay
#Willing to compromise, if I watch some movies you like, you'll watch some I like etc
#Non judgemental, I understand that in relationships things change and that you won't always agree/like the same things and that's fine, but if you're going to be nasty about it forget it-example you really hate that green shirt I have, nice way of asking me to get rid of it "I really don't like that green shirt, would you consider getting rid of it if I get you a new one?" versus "that green shirt is horrible. It makes you look fat/ugly/blah you should get rid of it"
#Open minded
#Drives sensibly, if you are gung-ho and stupid whilst driving forget it. My sister was killed in a car accident I don't take it lightly at all.

That's it for now I think. Am I too fussy? I don't know.

I've also made a ployvore page so you can get a rough idea of what I'm trying out style wise (I don't own all the items but it gives you an idea), check it out if you want and let me know what you think: http://alifelivedalone.polyvore.com/?filter=sets

Vanessa

Sunday 6 October 2013

Figuring it out, or even smart people do stupid things

It's that time of year when University's are having their intakes. I'm seeing the adds everywhere. I've even gone as far as to fill out an application but not send it. Why? Because a) I haven't got a clue what I'm doing and b) I'm not sure I'm up for the stress it's going to cause me.

 Let's look at a) in more detail: I haven't got a stellar educational history, mostly I remember it being miserable (up till age 13 when I left conventional school for homeschooling) and then being a mix of boring and conflict inducing (up till age 16 when I quit, and if I'm being honest I learnt diddly squat at home anyhow) and then the overwhelming relief of being free of it, who needs school anyway? I really regret that now. Really, really badly. I know of course it can be made up but it makes the whole process twice as hard and twice as daunting too. It's not just a matter of getting a copy of my high school transcripts and applying, I have to find bridging courses-and most of them are designed for people with a year 10 or 11 knowledge base, not a year 8 knowledge base-I think I had like one official science lesson for example, so I have some serious shortfalls there. I don't even know how to get where I need to be, there are no clear cut steps to follow when you've not even got year 10, even the uni admissions staff are unsure about pathways. I really don't know if I should just try and do my year 12 high school certificate (which takes 1 year and for adults has seriously limited subject options), take the bridging course and cross my fingers I can keep up (there is nothing I hate more then feeling adrift in class of others who seem to know what they're doing) or if I should head to a tutor and catch up on my science and math and then go into the bridging course. All I know is making the wrong decision delays me. Not doing anything delays me even more.

And then there's b). The mere mention of 'school' breaks me out in a cold sweat, I stress about everything. My mother frets over my perfectionism in something as simple as making a cake so you can imagine how I get when faced with an exam. Then there's the simple fact that my anxiety makes me stupid. It's hard to concentrate on anything when you're sweating buckets and wishing you were anywhere else. I have no control over this which makes me even more anxious the next time in anticipation and so on and so forth-a vicious circle if ever there was one. Then there'e the general 'where-will-I-sit-at-lunch-who-will-sit-next-to-me-in-class-will-anyone-do-this-team-assignment-with-me' teenage anxiety which never goes away. And then there's the new shiny OMG-will-I-be-the-oldest-person-here anxiety! Then there's my mothers expectations, the 'your smart you'll be fine' attitude further exacerbated by the fact that as a child I had my IQ tested and it was well above average (I wonder now what kind of drugs the tester was on. I don't feel smart) and that my father was really, really smart. Like scary smart. He topped the state in biology and got a full scholarship to the best medical school in the country (incidentally he hated it and quit after 2 years, he couldn't stand dissecting bodies), so people assume I'm like my father. I am. Sort off, but I'm not as smart as that. I'm very good at practical things (Need help changing your cars battery? No problem!) not so much academic stuff. A lot of the reason for that is that my mind bounces around constantly making it hard to absorb anything much (I also have a nasty habit of 'spacing out' or daydreaming)-around the time my IQ was tested I was also diagnosed with ADHD, my mum decided not to put me on medication and I understand her decision but I do wonder what might've been different if she had-I don't know if it's followed me to adulthood and, if it has, what to do about it.

Then there's other considerations: Given my age am I wasting valuable time that I should be using to try and improve myself socially and find a partner? I bet this likely isn't even a thought for most people or very far down the list if it is. Is it worth missing out on my opportunity to travel on a working visa (up to age 30) for 2 years? What if I don't even get to go on exchange?
Added to all that is the fact I don't even know what I want to do at university. Physiotherapist? Dietician? Geologist? Archaeologist? Anthropologist? Eh I don't know.......maybe I'll go back to bed.....;)
Vanessa
PS I discovered today that there is great controversy surrounding going braless (incidentally I stumbled upon this after googling what bras to wear with backless dresses, in case I ever get one), I never realised going braless was so polarising! Nipples are apparently a weapon of mass destruction. And if men think they're excluded they'd be wrong. No nipples should be had. I find this both hilarious (erm...hello we all have them! They really aren't that exciting.) and also irritating-why do these people get to decide if nipples or free breasts (under clothes! But wait what about breast feeding mothers? Without clothes too!) are allowed? I mean some places it's obviously inappropriate, like at a funeral, but just generally? Who cares. I won't faint if I see some guys nipples through his shirt or I see a women feeding her baby. I think if I do ever get that backless dress I'll wear it braless-why not?

Thursday 3 October 2013

What a mess

Well things just went south here. So let me explain: My sister and Ben bought a dog together, he was a small little foxy cross called Cam, my sister loved him and after she died Ben took extra special care of him. I'm pretty sure he loves that dog more than anything. Cam died this afternoon aged 19. Ben rang my mum and is very upset, he wants to bury Cam in the Cemetery near my sister-which is fine. He wants us all to come-not so fine. I realise he needs the comfort, and albeit it makes me feel like a real bitch, I'm feeling a bit emotionally unstable lately myself and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with having to see everyone upset and offering comfort. I'm sure Ben is looking for someone to be close and be a comfort, but I don't think it would be right for me to be that person. I feel so bad. And I hate people seeing me cry but if anyone else cries I will too and I hate that. I want to keep my grieving to myself, which probably makes me seem stone cold to others but it's how I am. But I'll probably end up crying and I hate that. I don't like to visit the cemetery and see my dad and sisters graves, I like to remember them as they were, it leaves me in a funk for days. I also think my mum thinks I'm unsympathetic, which is not true, but she doesn't know what happened. So basically I feel like the worst sort of person, like I don't deserve to be part of my family. I thought about texting Ben to tell him I was sorry about Cam, but I think that might be counterproductive, and I'll be seeing him tomorrow anyway. I've been trying to ring S but no luck. God maybe I just am that awful of a person, I hate myself right now.
Vanessa