Friday 31 January 2014

Panic is a perfectly reasonable response

Well at least for me it is anyway. The closer I get to starting uni the larger my panic looms. It's great.
I want to slap myself for being so painful but I honestly can't help it I'm afraid.
I'm booked in for my first appointment with, lets call her, Dr L-I'm freaking out over that too, can I not stay locked in my room forever instead? Then I remember that I was the one who wanted out *sigh*
I'm also freaking out at going from zero to uni, my brain is most probably mush by now and what if I miss a Jesse stone episode? I realise this is an unreasonable feeling, I need to do something obviously, but I'm still worried over it. I'm also worried that my sister will find it breezy and I'll struggle-let it not be said that sibling rivalry is dead. Mind you I'm also talking about going for a weeks overseas holiday in June with her so it can't be all bad-only problem is I want to do the deep south USA and she wants to go to Vietnam. Pros for Vietnam: pretty, shorter flight Cons: hygiene (as someone with a sensitive tummy this matters), toilets (yeah I've been reading asian toilet horror stories. What?)  Pros for USA: speak english (sort of..), the food, Elvis! (we get to visit Memphis), New Orleans, toilets (umm..) Cons:  don't know, alligators maybe? Moot point anyhow those things are like pussy cats compared to a salt water croc anyhow. Clearly I'm winning this. Or not.
I think I've figured out why getting older bothers me so much: it's my identity basically. I've always been the youngest one in my class or group or whatever, I may have been too young but I've never been to old. So who am I now I'm not that person? Identity crisis's r us, that's who. Being too young has a self solving solution being too old? Not so much. And I missed out on a lot of 'young' experiences like backpacking-sure I can still go at 30 but I see just as many 'creepy 30 year old backpacker' posts as I do supportive ones and either way I'm likely to be the odd one out. Sucks. There's also the fact that I'm looking at 4 years of school during which I can't really do anything travel wise (or otherwise really)-it's going to make getting my visa before 31 a tight squeeze and then I'll be a 31 year old fresh graduate in a different country looking for a job. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success really.
I'm feeling distant from everyone (I'm curious who the people are who visit this blog but never comment), even my friends, maybe I'm projecting but I feel like everyone is bored of me or irritated at me. The only person who seems to like me is my hairdresser and she's paid. And I think she only likes me because I let her braid my hair.
I'm also considering starting a sister blog over at wordpress.....it seems more popular...what do you guys think?
Vanessa

Thursday 23 January 2014

So you're unlucky

It's official-I'm unlucky. 2 bad things happened today, one was the unexpected death of an irreplaceable animal and the other was a negative test (in this case negative is bad) on another animal that I've been waiting on for months. All this after the week form hell. I never used to believe in higher powers but I'm seriously beginning to think I've got something bad going on. It makes me sad to think this 'bad luck' or karma or whatever will just follow me wherever I go, will I ever break out out or will it just continue? Do I deserve it? Maybe I do. The people around me don't. It makes me sad. Maybe my unhappiness is from the inside.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life is destined this way what's the point? Maybe if my life is going to be unhappy for me I should try and do good for others? Maybe volunteer in Africa or India? Become a nun? If I'm being honest, if my mother wasn't here I don't know if I would be either-I couldn't bear hurting her. But then I also think how selfish that would be, my sister died in an accident, she had no choice. How selfish is it of me to wish I'd never been born? If I could swap with her I would. At least she had a life worth living. She was 27, I'll be 27 in march, I've been thinking of her and my dad a lot lately. I don't want anyone to think I'm going to do anything rash, I'm not. I'm just feeling lost, without direction-I don't know who I am or what I want or where I'm going. I find it hard to imagine anyone could ever care about me.
I have my doctors appointment tomorrow, which always makes me horribly nervous, I have the added nerves of wanting to bring up my social anxiety (or I'm actually beginning to think avoidant personality disorder) and try and get a referral to someone-I'm really worried and have no idea how to bring it up.
Anyhow things are a bit tough right now.
I bought a dress to wear on my birthday and then wondered why I did, I wonder if I'll even get to go to dinner for my birthday and I wonder if the dress could be re-worn as a date night dress one day or if it'll languish in my closet, here it is anyhow:
birthday dress


In other news my friend T had her baby, a little girl called I. I wish her the best.
Vanessa

Friday 17 January 2014

Sock buns, bangs, books and burning

Hi everyone!
First off I'll start this post off with the most recent happening: what is a perfect end to an emotionally stressful day? Why a bushfire of course. You know whilst my mother, sister and niece have all gone away for a couple of days to the zoo. Yeah fucking great. So now I'm here on my own, no one let me know what was going on-I drove our little ATV out to the back block to check out the situation, lucky it's only a fairly gentle burning fire and at the moment it's headed away not towards me. But one bit of wind could change that and the water bombers stop flying after dark. It could also flare tomorrow morning. I have numerous critters to think of but the truth is we know our house in un-defendable and fires move fast so there may be no chance to move the critters. Anyway fingers crossed it'll continue to head the other way and burn slow so they can get it out. I'll let you know tomorrow what happens. It made me feel pretty disposable to be honest, that no-one even thought to let me know :(
Update as re comment below:
It's contained. And as a new first experience I was rude to someone for the first time in my life: we went up to see the fire-crew (24 hours after the fire started) and I point blank told them I was pissed they didn't let me know, they tried to fob with off and then my mum guilt tripped me for being rude and so now of course I feel like shit.
I'm so sick of feeling like every step I take is a huge ballsup. I thought I was being reasonable expecting them to let me know that a potentially life threatening situation was on my doorstep. But I was wrong. I feel like holing up in my room, cancelling uni and never leaving again. :((


Anyway this post was originally going to be about my discovery of the sock bun, yep you read that right. I've looking for a way to put up my hair for labs so there's n risk of flipping it into something questionable. I failed. Until the sock bun! It really works, keeps my hair out of the way and even looks okay. Here are some sock buns:
sock bun

Which brings me to bangs. For a long time I saw people talking about their 'bangs' and I was like WTF? As it turns out bangs are a fringe.......which I have....that makes a lot more sense now :) Here are some bangs (still make me giggle):
bangs


And then I saw Queen V had posted so I went to check it out, she talked about this book: http://www.amazon.com/Never-Have-Ever-Life-Without/dp/1455544671/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1370641222&sr=8-3&keywords=never+have+i+ever

So now I need a copy of that :) Hopefully it'll be a fun read, a book by someone like me for once :)

I also bought a really overpriced dairy I loved for this coming year......now I've got a super cute functional dairy I have to stick at uni. Right?

Vanessa

Friday 10 January 2014

So blah

Hi everyone.
I went to the uni, got my ID card and it was fine. Bar my sister and niece having a huge tears, tantrum, throw down fight before we even left home *sigh* I also found out about the student exchange which is looking less likely (less then half the applicants who meet the initial criteria get to go) which leaves me 3 years before I can think about going anywhere, which may not be a bad thing-I might need that time to prepare mentally, but still my 'getting older' panic is not soothed by the prospect at all. I'm still unsure about my study path, which course would be better for me. I have no real reason to but ever since I've been feeling really down, I'm just like 'life? eh who cares.' Anyway still alive nothing much changed yet. I sign up for tutes on Monday, so we'll see how that goes.

Vanessa
PS I edited this post as half of it went walk about.......

Wednesday 1 January 2014

2014: the year ahead and what it could bring

Happy new year everybody!
I wonder what 2014 will hold? Will good things come? One thing I know for sure is that it won't be status quo like this last year anyway, good or bad I'm enrolled at uni so that will be a major change from the get go. I'll turn 27 in march, which I'm not looking forward to-I always try to do something for my birthday so it doesn't pass unmarked, like going out to eat with the family, any suggestions for me? Another year older is getting scarier each time, I'm so far from where I thought I'd be, where I want to be. It makes me reluctant to plan forward, even though I know the years will pass with or without my doing anything, it feels scary to think I may be 28 before I go on exchange, that I may be 30 when I get a working visa. Or that maybe I won't do any of those things at all. I can't help but think that with each year that passes my chances of finding a partner get lower and lower. I also imagine once uni starts my posts will be less frequent (unless of course there are heaps of the 'OMG what was I thinking, I'm going to fail!' type ones....I make no promises), I really enjoy writing posts and reading comments-makes me feel like I'm a real girl or something ;) So thanks to you guys for putting up with me-I hope you continue to follow along as I muddle through just as I intend to continue to keep up with you guys. Who I consider my internet friends :))
I'm off to the uni tomorrow to get my student ID card and talk to my course convener-if you think of any questions I should be asking let me know! So far I'm going to ask about exchange and about my open electives.

I also wanted to share this makeup tutorial I found, what do you guys think? Is this a nice not-overdone look that would be okay for both uni/a date (if I ever go on one!)? I think it's really pretty but not too heavy and would make my greeny-blue eyes stand out.



I aslo wanted to share this link for those of us who wonder what's wrong with us or if we just have the wrong 'look' to find love:
http://carlyfindlay.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/this-is-love.html
This amazing lady has found love despite what many of us would think was an insurmountable obstacle. She's australian, I'd love to meet her.

Vanessa
PS I have to admit I'm looking forward to the new sherlock series too :) Hopefully they won't make us Aussies wait too long to see it!