Sunday 29 September 2013

Why I'm not dating right now

I just want to start this post by saying that I realise that it's my own well...reticence? Maybe?....that is in some ways stopping me, I just want to preface with that as I'm sure some of this won't make sense to some people.
Alrighty, reasons I'm not dating:

1. I've never dated before. I haven't a clue where to start. What do I wear? Where do we go? Worst of all what do I talk about? I suck at small talk. How do I know if I want to see someone again? What if they like me but I don't like them? Or visa versa? I mean I get that that happens all the time but it's still gotta be an emotional strain. What if rumours are spread about me being a weird awkward person? Hence ruining any future chances I might have. What if I happen to accidentally agree to meet someone who I know in real life? Only happens if online dating of course.

2.I live in an area that's a 35 minute drive to the nearest town (where everyone knows everyone) or more likely an hours drive to the nearest big city. This is difficult as I don't drive. I could ask them to pick me up, but that seems unfair to me and then there's the fact that I'd have to explain to my mother. Um no thankyou. Ditto if I ask her for a lift.

3. Joining online dating means I have to put pics of myself on the net. I hate pics of myself for a start but worse what if someone I know sees them? Or even worse someone my mum knows. Also there are so many rules with pics, they mustn't be selfies, or just you face, or without friends or with friends-so confusing! What if I get no interest? What if I get all the wrong kind of interest? How do I tell if it's safe to meet someone? What if they want to talk on the phone first? I'll never get anywhere if thats the case, my phone manner is shocking.

4. Fear. Probably the biggest one. What if I try and fail? At least as it is I can still conceivably think it could work fine because I haven't tried. This is really counter productive obviously. Being scared to meet somebody, anybody new, it's hard to explain how much this freaks me out, I'd love to just snap my fingers and get over it but I can't. And hanging out with someone who's terrified of you likely isn't going to be a good time.

5. The fear it may actually work. That I'll have to account for myself to someone. That I'll have to explain to my mum and family that I have a boyfriend, I cringe just thinking of it. That they will/won't want to get married when I do. That they'll want kids straight away or not at all. That they won't like the way I dress or cook or whatever.

6. I edited the post to add these 2 that I forgot: Fear of admitting my inexperience (I've never even kissed someone), what should I do? Makeup a story? Like I haven't kissed anyone since I was 16 so don't expect me to be any good! Be honest? Say nothing? And if I get called out then what? It's embarrassing to think about having to admit this to someone.

7. If I do finally get to that all important point how will I feel? Will I be good enough? Will they like my body? Will they enjoy teaching me? Will I be comfortable exposing myself like that to someone?

So as I said it may not make a whole lotta sense. But there it is.
Vanessa
PS Is it just me or is the blogasphere being pretty quiet lately?

Saturday 28 September 2013

Photoshopped? Probably.

I thought I had a pretty good grasp of photoshopping, we all know magazines do it and not to believe everything we see......but I didn't have a grasp of just how much things are photoshopped. Literally every single thing in celeb pics is photoshopped, hair, teeth, eyes, skin, elbows, knees, legs, waist, boobs....just wow...I never realised! I mean I knew they 'touched up' pics up but I didn't know they changed everything. And not just that but a lot of the selfies and fitspiration pics are heavily photoshopped too. Average people photo shop their pics! Why? It just makes us all want something that, actually, doesn't exist. Take Victoria Secret models, beautiful women who are near perfect. Do you know they photoshop the hell out of them? Even when they are near perfect to begin with? And even worse-they photoshop TV and movies too! So nothing you're seeing is as is. I remember seeing the foreign version of The girl with the dragon tattoo and being amazed at how the actors had pores and fine lines and one of the lady actors had a little belly when she took her top off.......she still looked incredible but real too. Then I watched the hollywood version and realised just how much they edit the hell outa everything, unneeded I think, I like to see real people-what about you? Anyhow check out http://www.pinterest.com/indyink/dont-compare-yourself-to-celebrities/ to see just how much they edit things-I'm sure you'll be surprised, I was.
Vanessa

Thursday 26 September 2013

3 times I had a crush + 1 time someone had a crush on me

This is kind of an awkward post to write, mainly because it's a bit embarrassing but also because the time lines might be a tiny bit out........it's really hard to remember wether you were 12 or 13 more than 10 years on :)
Anyway here it is:
Henry:
Henry went to school with me, he along with one other boy and about 3 girls made up the 'popular group' that I was for one time in my whole life part of. He had auburn red hair, freckles and an average build, he was super smart and also the class clown, I liked him quiet a bit and we got along pretty well. As a matter of fact he asked me out twice but both times I was so terrified I said no (keeping in mind I was 12) and he ended up dating Kim instead. Looking back Henry's interest in me was the end of my stint in the popular group, as Kim ejected me soon thereafter, I realise now she was probably feeling a bit threatened by me. It was all for nothing anyhow as Henry moved away about 3 months later, the damage was done for me by then unfortunately. I tried to look Henry up on facebook but had no luck- probably for the best anyway.
Ted:
Ted was my friends friend, I didn't know him at all, my friend Kate and I had a joint 16th birthday party (I invited one person, she invited about 6 I think, so it was small), so he just turned up. He was tall and skinny with jet black hair and blue eyes, he was quiet but friendly enough-I felt attracted to him straight away. In hindsight that was really stupid, Kate had invited him and if I'd thought a bit I'd have realised she was interested in him. Anyhow this ended up with the three of us crashed in my bed along with everyone else asleep on the floor, when Ted and Kate thought everyone else was asleep they had a heart to heart (which, painfully, included a rejection of me, Kate said she thought I liked Ted and Ted said yeah but I don't want her I want you-I know he meant nothing by it but it still stung), which I heard all of and I also got to hear my friend get her first kiss-I wanted to bolt but I didn't want to wreck her moment so I sucked it up and kept quiet. So that one was mostly my own fault.
Aiden:
Aiden was a French backpacker who stayed with us for a couple weeks with his French mate. He was only a touch taller than me, had curly brown hair and brown eyes, he was outgoing and very friendly. His friend was objectively much more attractive but I was drawn in by his personality, and he wasn't hard on the eyes either. It was a fun 2 weeks of teaching them about Australia and laughing about the mishaps translating French to English and vice versa, along with a rather heated argument about how to cook Bolognese correctly LOL But he had a girl friend back home so it went no where. I think he felt it too though because I got a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye and no one else did. I felt quiet relieved at that point, I was 24 and beginning to think I may never be attracted to anyone again! I remember it fondly :)
Ben:
Now this is complicated. I'll never roll my eyes at a bold and beautiful plot line again ;) Ben was my eldest sisters boyfriend, the first time I met him I was about 12 I think, I liked him okay but he was always temperamental and stubborn about the silliest things. And he had a huge temper-I won't go into it here but some things he did will never be forgiven by me. He's also is a keen hunter, I know how to use a gun and I will only if I have to (an animal is in great pain) or I'm in danger (an aggressive dog trying attack me), I tried hunting once and I just felt so sad about shooting a fox (even though foxes are introduced and damage the environment), it just didn't sit right with me and I will not go hunting again. When my sister was killed they'd been together 9 years, it was a tumultuous relationship and I'm sure if it hadn't been for the fact that my sister was a real sweetheart it would've ended ages ago. He was devastated by her death, as we all were. He never really moved on at all and has been single ever since, he's a part of the family so we'd see him every few months, see how he was doing, he came to christmas a few times as he's not that close with his own family, he really loved my father and was very upset when he died. We all comforted each other then. When my mum went away on holiday last year for 3 weeks he came by to check on me and help me out with some chores, it was nothing out of the ordinary at all. He's also a bit computer illiterate so I helped sort out his laptop and went shopping with him for a ipod and iphone, I was happy to help and we got along well. Somewhere in there we decided to go to a couple of sporting events, which was casual and fun, we watched some movies and played some video games-I never one flirted or tried to impress him (unless daggy PJs are actually impressive), so I just thought we were friends. Looking back I can see he was sort of acting a bit strange (when I said I might go away to uni he said he'd miss me, just stuff like that. I had 0 experience so I had no idea) and finally one day after he'd dropped in for a visit he texted me and told me he had feelings for me. Thank god my mum wasn't home. I went into an epic meltdown complete with tears, I felt like this was all my fault and had no idea what to do. I didn't feel that way, to me he'll always be my big sisters boyfriend, he's 13 years older than me (I'd actually once stupidly thought if I ever did get married he might give me away, so you can see how badly my world view was upset by this). I also think he had me a bit confused with my sister. A very dangerous thing. So I called my friend who told me to keep it friendly but distant, so that's what I did, I still feel bad about it and I hope I didn't hurt his feelings too badly. At the same time I feel a bit resentful that it'll always be awkward whenever I see him from now on. We haven't gone anywhere as friends since and I haven't gotten a text for a few months-which I feel both glad and guilty about, but he talks to my mum and sister so I know he's doing okay. I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him again just yet, but maybe I'll never be? IDK. The only people who know are me, him and my wise yoda friend S-and, well, you guys :))
Anyway that's it for now,
Vanessa

Sunday 22 September 2013

Maybe, maybe......

Maybe I'm getting close to finally being registered at the incel forum.......there have apparently been no new members for over 12 months but they are working on it now. So fingers crossed in the next couple months I'll be able to finally post-I've been itching to reply to a few posts, just a 'me too!' type thing. I don't know why it helps to feel like you're part of a group, that you fit in somewhere but it does. They seem like a pretty tight group, which can be problematic for newbies sometimes, but they seem excited for new blood so hopefully not! In the mean time I'm gearing up to plant a veggie garden and trying to track down a few hens to add to the four I've already got-hopefully either Maran's or Welsummer's, who both lay big brown eggs :) There's nothing quiet like homegrown eggs and veggies! This will also be the third round of me vs watermelon. So far it's 2 nil in the watermelons favour, as I live in a cold climate (Canadians you can all stop snickering, sure it may never snow but it is cold for Australia. Besides have you got any watermelons to your name?) so getting from seed to ripened melon is a tight window and it all has to go just right with no late or early frosts or bam dead melons. I've managed to get them up to within a week or so of being ripe but I've never managed to get an edible one yet-so wish me luck ;)
Vanessa

Friday 20 September 2013

Things that p*ss me off

People who are glued to their mobile phones. Seriously people you won't die if you don't have your phone for a couple hours, honest. However the next person who texts or takes a call while in the cinema just may-and I'll rule it justifiable homicide. If you're at a movie or out to dinner, for the love of god, turn your phone off!! Even better don't take it! There are only a few exceptions to this rule, your wife/girlfriend is about to pop out a baby (although if this is the case what're you doing at the cinema with your mates?), you have a seriously ill family member (see previous. WTF are you doing here if gram is about to expire?) or you work in law enforcement/medicine and are an emergency contact. That's it. I don't care if you're expecting a call from Brad Pitt it's rude to have your phone on in the cinema, also what's with checking it (and hence lighting up it's screen like a really distracting bug. A bug I'd like to squash BTW) for texts every five minutes for the duration of the movie? No one is going to text you anything important-even if it's just your dog who's taken a turn for the worse they'll call you. So what are you checking for? If your girlfriend's Brazilian went as planned? I don't know. But stop it. Seriously. Oh and if you're either A checking your facebook status or B updating your facebook status (OMG in cinema watching X soooooo cool!) you don't deserve to live. That is all.
Maybe I'm just jealous?
Vanessa
PS Also if you are in class the same rules apply. No one can concentrate whilst you snicker, squirm and type a million miles a minute right next to them. Not to mention that stupid incoming text tone you have, you hear that person next to you's teeth grinding? Yeah probably a good sign you should turn off your phone before they smash it and head-butt you.

Saturday 14 September 2013

Fingernail biting....

I've started biting my fingernails again, just a few days ago they were all nice and long but no longer. It's always a sign that something is going on with me, consciously or not, on this occasion I have no idea..........I've been feeling pretty flat lately so maybe that's it, that feeling of, why bother it'll never get better? Coming up to summer and watching people plan things, friends lounging in the park, couples lazying on the beach, plans for festivals and parties-all things I've never done and may never do. Maybe the feeling of another rapidly approaching birthday with no progress? I don't know. Other than that I'm also looking for bits and pieces for my summer wardrobe, something I don't normally do, but I have the desire to this year and I hope it will spill on to other parts of my life. I'm getting some obligatory t-shirts (after a purge, holes, loose stitching, fading and cracked prints all went) but I'm hoping to make them a bit more fun, here are a few I'm looking at:
http://store.xkcd.com/products/just-shy  Maybe this'll help me appear less aloof?
http://www.etsy.com/au/listing/129118815/black-sheep-ladies-t-shirt-as-gaeilge-in?ref=shop_home_active The black sheep of the family...not in the conventional way but still true...
http://www.etsy.com/au/listing/156545325/organic-cotton-celtic-languages-ladies-t?ref=related-7 I have irish and scottish ancestry, so why not?
I've bought a couple of dresses and I'm now I'm looking at maxi dresses, I love this one:
http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/swirling-soiree-dress
But I'm worried it might be too dressy, in the pics it looks like it'd be fine for just going down the street (with the flowers removed), but the description does say party dress........I don't know, but I really like it. I won't spend the cash until I'm sure though. Modcloth is bad for ones budget LOL
I also found this blog: http://esmeandthelaneway.blogspot.ca she looks so pretty all the time! I really love her red hair, I also like this post http://esmeandthelaneway.blogspot.ca/2013/08/looking-back-at-past-augusts-and-outfits.html as it shows how her hair and style have changed over a few years.....I think she looks great in all of them :)
Hmmmmm food for thought.....
I'm also thinking of starting a 30 before 30 list, or maybe a life list? Not too sure yet but it seems like a good idea.
Vanessa
PS I'd just like to advise anyone reading this blog in the same situation to go check out a pear by herself's blog, some seriously amazing stuff has happened for her these last few weeks that'll give you hope and cheer you up, or it did me anyhow!

Thursday 5 September 2013

Things are changing

My sister is moving. She'll be more than a day's car ride away (About 1000 kms away), it's unlikely we'll see her much, as much as she drives me nuts sometimes she's also the main driving force behind outings and shopping trips and I'm going to miss her. I'm not a phone person so I'll likely only be getting updates via my mum who talks to her on the phone often. In some ways I'll be glad not to see my niece grow up, she's 10, I'm sure by the time she's 13 she'll have had more boyfriends than me, it makes me feel awful to think like that but I really can't help it. And I definitely don't want a front seat view for it either. It also makes me worry even more about trying to gain my independence-my mother will really be by herself (if I could ever leave anyway, it seems a long way away) and 30mins from any town. I've noticed her driving is getting worse lately and it stresses me out that she'd be on her own. But then she's also talking about moving (but then she's been talking about it for the last 6 years...) and she keeps saying 'you'll want x in the new house' and 'there's a university nearby, that'd be great for you!' and although I appreciate her including me I also feel bad about it because it makes me feel like I'm never going to have my own life, my own happiness and if everyone else can see that maybe I should just give up. I know thats not what she means, that she's just telling me there's a place for me with her, but it just makes me feel hopeless and trapped. *sigh* Me and her are also planning a trip to Canada sometime, going from coast to coast, somedays I feel really excited about it and others I feel like I should be doing it by myself not with my mum. But how likely is that? I really want to get my work visa and work overseas for a couple years, maybe even get a dual citizenship, but how can I do that when I can't even go grocery shopping on my own?  How could I make friends and new connections when I'm so horribly, painfully shy? Is it just my escapism talking? Am I chasing a feeling I'll never have? I have made some small steps for improving myself, I'm in the process of getting my licence (finally) and I've made myself buy a few things by myself, which seems huge! It seems like such a long road from where I am now to where I want to be. And sometimes an impossible one. Ah to be normal, I wish!  I found this quote in a book (Vegabonding: an uncommon guide to the art of long-term world travel by Rolf Potts):
And so I stand among you as one that offers a small message of hope, that first, there are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence.
Thomas Merton, the asian journal of Tomas Merton
Am I one of these people? Undoubtably, minus the free-floating bit. Is it by my own choice? Decidedly not. As a side note people who claim the above always seem to have a ready gaggle of friends and numerous boyfriends/girlfriends. I think they think it sounds romantic, little do they realise the harsh reality of it.
Anyway we're coming up to Summer here in Aus (well in a few months but you know what I mean), and I think Lana Del Rey has captured it perfectly:


I've got that summertime sadness too.
Vanessa
PS Some links for the girls: cute hair ties I've discovered https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320225?ref=fb2_tnx_title and https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320061?ref=fb2_tnx_title also these are really cheap and simple to make (I'm going to have a go at it) http://www.ohsoprettythediaries.com/2012/08/the-diy-no-fray-emi-jay-inspired-hair.html or http://www.loveumadly.com/2012/07/diy-hair-bands-in-every-color/
Also just discovered these: http://www.cleava.com/Default.asp for when you want to wear a low top/dress but don't want to layer with a camisole or tank. Super cute and very handy too!