Tuesday 22 July 2014

Reflection

I sometimes wonder if other people feel like taking posts down, I'm not ashamed of it, but I guess sometimes its.......just a little too personal? Maybe? I'm not sure. I sometimes feel like I'm bearing my soul and that maybe that's not such a great idea for whatever reason. But I'm a pretty self contained person for the most part and I hope my blog posts might help other people who feel they are the only ones feeling that way.......but I promise that for the most part, in person anyway, I'm a pretty easy going person-note I didn't say 'bubbly' or 'happy' because for the most part I'm a fairly quiet serious person-but I do like to laugh, have fun and I'm up for adventure. I also do love to laugh and have a good sense of humour, I'm particularly fond of british humour, the car scene from Faulty Towers or a Father Ted marathon anyone?
I sometimes wonder of course if other bloggers omit to post the really personal shitty posts because it feels too close or too raw, or if the feeling of life being against you and occasionally wanting to drown yourself in the bath is not as commoner feeling as I may assume. Point is you don't drown yourself in the bath, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and slog on. And wonder if you should maybe delete that post.

I wonder a lot apparently.

In other news I have a hole in my jeans and have to buy new ones, is it just me or is jeans shopping the absolute worst?

Vanessa

Sunday 20 July 2014

Someone should know

How I'm feeling right now. I can't talk to my family about this-so blogging it is. Decisions have been made, I have acquiesced to these decisions despite them not being what I want, because I think they are probably best for my family. But I'm miserable. I feel like I have no future at all and I just don't care. I'm disinterested in everything. I don't want to do anything at all and I resent being asked to. Having a bath is a major effort. I feel everything I've done is a mistake, that all failures in my life have been mine solely and completely. That things would be different if I'd tried harder, been better. The whole MH17 fiasco hasn't made me feel any better either. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the world? What's the point?

Vanessa

Monday 7 July 2014

Being a commodity. Failing at life. Sorry.

I've finally put my finger on what bothers me about online dating (took me long enough) but it's this: effectively you're selling yourself. It's not about being a good kind person. Or an immoral one. It's about how you look and how well you can 'sell' yourself with a description. You're a commodity. And to compete with the others you need to be the absolute best version of yourself-even then there will always be someone thinner/prettier/taller/smarter etc. It actually reminds me very much of livestock sale catalogues: you look at the pictures, read the descriptions/stats and then pick a few prospects and hope you're the highest bidder. It won't stop me from trying it one day but I really don't want to be the last bull in the ring so to speak.

Also failing at life. I feel that I should keep better track of the blogs I'm following, post more comments, be more active online but I'm just not very good at keeping up. I'd like to post more comments but often I can't figure out how to word them, I'm worried I'll offend someone or that no one wants to read my opinion. I feel, quite frankly, that I'm letting the side down-I'm a part of a small minority, the later in life non-religious virgin, and I feel I should help support others in my position. I consider them my tribe and I want to contribute as best I can. I just can't figure out how? It's irrationally distressing.

Failing at being a girl. I also sometimes worry about whether or not my inability to apply eyeliner is a serious mark against me as a girl. I mean most ladies wouldn't dream of a first date without 'doing their face', I tend to be too scared I'll make myself look a) like edward cullen (washed out and sparkly) b) I had a fight with someone and got both my eyes blacked or c) just plain weird. Then I have to take it off and that leaves me pink and irritated looking due to my sensitive skin and mild rosacea. I did have some laser last week on my rosacea-to keep it under control-let me just say ouch! But I can see the difference, it's looking better :) Thank god, I was so swollen the first couple days it wasn't pretty at all! I also believe I am a slightly ridiculous human for worry about this......

I'm off to my first math lesson tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Vanessa