Thursday 27 June 2013

So apparently

I give people the impression of being confident and assertive, aggressive and intimidating even. WTF ladies and gentlemen, I'm the softest touch around, I'd do anything to avoid a conflict (even up to eating the wrong order then sending it back at a restaurant), I'd give you the shirt of my back if I thought you needed it not to mention being super nervous around people and not confident at all, so why do people see me like this? I try to be as friendly and approachable as possible but apparently I'm failing. Badly. Maybe I should just do a Sherlock and not even try to make nice, can't make my impression any worse it would seem :(
Vanessa
PS I've discovered I'm allergic to sunscreen. In australia. With milk white skin. Isn't that just convenient.

Sunday 23 June 2013

What would my life be like if....

I didn't have social anxiety?
Well here's how I'd like to think it would've gone:
*I'd have fit in at school. I would've always had someone to sit with and I would've been invited to some parties. Which I would've enjoyed.
*I'd have done some silly things at said parties which I'd now look back on and cringe at.
*I'd have gone to prom.
*Me and my group of friends (and possibly boyfriend) would've gone on a road trip and/or camping trip when we got our licences.
*Every weekend there'd be a plan for a party or sporting event or dinner that I could join if I wanted, which I would feel comfortable and welcome at.
*I'd go, solo or otherwise, on a euro gap year and have loads of fun and always remember it fondly.
*I'd have gone to uni and had a blast learning, hanging with friends and going out with some various boys.
*I'd work overseas for a few years, making new friends and meeting cute foreign guys.
*I'd be able to join a sporting team, go to the gym and travel solo without having huge anxiety.
*I'd have been a bridesmaid by now
*I'd maybe be engaged or married now
*I'd have a solid plan for the next few years involving travel and lots of fun adventures
*I'd be on the same page as my partner with starting a family mid-thirties.
*Most importantly I wouldn't feel I'd wasted my best years with no way of regaining them and no future either. Oh and not suffering crippling anxiety would be nice too.

So a note to all reading this who can do these things, but may be putting them off.......don't hesitate and don't put it off! It might seem very everyday but I'd give my eye teeth for these experiences. And I hate dentists. Trust me being able to go to the store anxiety free is a gift, enjoy the heck out of it :)

Vanessa


Saturday 15 June 2013

How did I not know this?!

Monica Cruz (ie the equally beautiful sister of Penelope cruz) had a baby. Not such exciting stuff. The exciting part? Her baby was conceived with donor sperm!! And she's been open and honest about it. I love her so hard right now :) It gives hope to me also, Monica is knockout beautiful, yet she couldn't find someone to settle down with (or perhaps she just didn't want to) so she went it alone-proof it's not that there's something wrong with us (me). And if I'm still single at 36 (only 10 years away...eeppp!!) I have hope that this will be a decision I'll get to make, whether or not I chose for or against isn't really the point, isn't it fabulous to have that option?
Vanessa

Monday 10 June 2013

The last frontier (or she said What!?)

First of all let me just say Hi *waves* My name is Vanessa, I'm 26, I live in Australia and I've never had a boyfriend. Nope. Not ever. Once you've picked yourself up off of the floor and rejoined me (no serious head injuries? Great!), let me just say this (because I know, no matter how nice you are, your wondering what is so terribly wrong with me that this has occurred): I'm not over or under weight, I'm not stunningly attractive or unattractive, I'm not religious nor am I part of a cult (although if anyone wants to pay me good money for virgins blood.......), I'm not scared of sex, I am for all intents and purposes totally average. I will admit to having a bad case of social anxiety, but to be fair in the face of a persistent pursuit from an attractive male this is not such a huge issue-the thing missing is the persistent pursuit-I have a few close friends who vary in age from 26 to 56. I'm also an introvert, I do hangout with my friends on occasion and attend the odd sporting event but mostly I'm at home (with my widowed mother) with a good book or my computer. This may be my biggest problem of all.
 Dear reader I can forgive you for thinking the worst of me, as, in fact, I too thought the same until recently when I did what all sensible individuals seeking information do..........I googled it........and discovered there are some seriously cool, kickass chicks out there just like me. And guess what? There's nothing wrong with them either. So that's me in a nutshell. Welcome to the asylum :)

Now onto my first post:
I have a friend, lets call her T, now T stayed with us when she was backpacking around Australia solo (what can I say, I have awesome friends!) and regaled me with tales of an unconventional life, how she didn't want kids, thought the whole marriage/kids thing to be happy was brainwashing and that one could be very happy without either, she showed me her tattoos and told me about all her cool friends. In short T was awesome and helped me feel reassured if it never happens for me I can live just a full and happy life as anyone. I visited T in her native holland just this Feb (on my first overseas trip, with my mum in tow), T was living in a small flat and about to embark on going back to school. She also had a causal boyfriend, who we'll call G, G was a nice enough guy and a kickboxing instructor so quiet fit-I liked him. However he disappeared for a whole day and upon further questioning my friend tells me he regularly does this and the last time he did he'd been arrested. No you did read that right, arrested. For drug related offences. She also tells me she suspects he has 'other' girlfriends.......umm what?? When I expressed my concern she just waved me off "it's not like I'm gonna marry him and have babies or anything!". Okay then. We said out goodbyes and have kept in touch, about a month ago she got kicked out of her flat and then moved into shared student accommodation (she's 31 and G is 42), about a month after that she has 'huge' news to tell me. I immediately guess she's pregnant but let her tell me anyway so I don't spoil it for her. Guess what? She's had a little accident and she's pregnant! I'm happy for her and G, worried, but I hope they'll make it work. At the same time I'm pissed at the universe, here's T someone who doesn't care if she gets married or has kids doing just that, and here I am knowing thats what I want (the kids part later!) but trying to come to terms with it maybe never happening. *sigh* I'm now on the lookout for a cute gift to send her, I'm sure her baby will be beautiful :)

On another note I was out with my friend K, who's the same age as me and has been single for a year now, and I asked her if she's as happy on her own as she was with her long term ex boyfriend.......apparently she thought I was questioning her ability to find a new boyfriend??.....she looked at me and said "I'm not planning on staying single, if that's what you mean." Well. F*ck you too lady, my singleness is not contagious nor is it my choice. I don't want you to sign up or wear a T-shirt, I was just hoping you could tell me if you felt you could be just as happy outside a relationship. Sorry my mistake and be assured I won't ask again. Also after you've just condescended to me I don't feel like discussing which dude at the sporting event we just attended has the cutest butt. Sorry.

Anyhow until next time that's me out,
Vanessa
PS please excuse any spelling and/or grammer mistakes. I know I suck ;)