Wednesday 31 December 2014

Well things are a little bit different to what I expected…..

We're about to go into 2015 and I'm still in limbo. To be honest I really thought what what was stopping me form doing 'stuff' (everything from school to making friends) was my attachment to the farm and my reluctance to leave. I don't have that reason anymore and I'm still no further ahead. To be honest I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop there I haven't really felt all that different since we left........it's made me realise that I was just as unhappy there, that I hadn't felt 'home' or content or happy anywhere and for a really long time. Unfortunately the hope that moving might be a catalyst of change has not really worked out the way I expected, I can feel myself settling back into old habits and it scares me. I'm still conflicted and worse I'm more nervous around people than I have been in a while-I can't even seem to get a polite greeting out with out blushing, mumbling, looking at my feet and then fleeing at the first available opportunity. Not cute. And also really frustrating, I can only hope it's just s knee jerk reaction to feeling so unsettled and I'll move past it......if I don't I think maybe a small cabin in the woods would be appropriate.
I'm chasing myself in circles, I should just try something and then adjust the gameplay as I go, but I seem too paralysed to make that first step-not only am I driving myself crazy (and also possibly anyone who reads my blog....) I'm also driving my mum crazy too. Damn it I just want to pull it together, I'm running on a clock now, I haven't got 'a few years' to make a decision, I need to make one now if I'm going to achieve any of my dreams.......and here I am stopping myself. Isn't anxiety grand? Making lives difficult since the beginning of human kind.

I'm beginning also to question the whole boyfriend thing. As in I may not be asexual but I'm thinking I'm definitely not as sexual as some people, most people anyway, I can see a guy and think he's attractive (important note: the same way I can see a girl is attractive but I don't feel attracted) but I don't automatically jump to any kind of sexual thoughts.........do I want a close relationship? Yes. Do I want a sexual relationship? I think I do, how can I really know? I don't have any experiences or expectations to draw from so it's almost impossible to tell-kind of like asking someone if they like spinach if they've never had it. I'm guessing I'll need some sexual experiences to know....and I'm not likely to be having any any time soon. Maybe I actually need to know someone to think about those things? Maybe a fleeting look isn't enough for me to get going? Or maybe I'll never get going? Another confusing issue to mull over.

2014 in rear-view:
* nothing new on the romance front
* sold the farm and moved house for the very first time
* agonised over what I should do next
* went to Canada and thought it was pretty awesome
* got a new phone (which turned me into a rage machine for a few days!)
* got my first car.....still need to get my full licence though, I have my L plates
* rescued a calf
* rescued a magpie
* rescued a bat
* wrangled a brown snake baby
* started talking about travelling with my sister to Europe
* thought a lot and felt inadequate a lot

I've ordered a new planner for next year, I feel kind of guilty going so because what if I don't need it? If I don't end up going to school I won't really be needing it. I don't know really.

I read an article the other day about an 18 year old girl going to college who was going to play college sport too, she'd been living away since she was 14-while I can't imagine that (I couldn't see being close to your family it that situation....but maybe you develop stronger outside relationships?)-I felt so ashamed of myself for my lack of life, here was this girl who's got everything going for her, who worked for it, and here I am to scared to do anything :(

I'll leave off with this song:





Which is both wonderful to listen to and thought provoking, it could be applied to any religion or clique really-the frowning down on others for being different wether it be sexuality, way of dress, race or just not being 'like'.

Vanessa

Monday 22 December 2014

I'm so good at confusing myself

I really should be advising others on how to do it! Asking other peoples opinion seems to just leave me even more confused than I was to start with……….in other words I have no idea what I should be doing! It’s times like these I miss the incel forums-lots of other people who understand where you’re coming from and willing to give you advice. But then again that just seems to confuse me……
Even my mum and sister have different opinions and it’s just so confusing! And then sometimes my mum comes out with something that makes me question the whole thing. Then I wonder if I’m not doing that then what am I doing? Nothing probably.
So.Confusing.
Maybe I’ll just go sulk for a bit. I don’t even need to take a course for that ;)
Vanessa
PS anyone have any news on the incel forums?

Thursday 18 December 2014

OKAY GUYS HERE’S A POLL-TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT YEAR!

In other news I rescued a tiny little bat that was caught in the fence, I took him to the vet but I don’t think he’ll make it :( I really like those little micro-bats, they’re really cute………I’ve never had one bite me but you’re meant to have a rabies vaccine if you handle bats in case you catch the hendra virus which is basically 100% fatality rate. I haven’t had my shot but I couldn’t leave him there, luckily the little micro-bats don’t tend to try and bite much! Anyway I’m looking forward to seeing what other people think about my options for the coming year :) Vanessa

Monday 15 December 2014

Terror in Sydney and a brown snake in the lounge

Today has been a surreal day. Firstly there is a Lindt cafe in the Sydney CBD being held hostage by an assumed islamic extremist terrorist-I think we can all assume he's an islamic extremist but he may not be affiliated in any way. In other words he's (hopefully) working alone which will (hopefully) make the situation easier to control. There are no guarantees and it's a nearly non-existent terrorist situation that ends well-but fingers crossed for those being held hostage. I've been sort of expecting a terror attack of some sort but this still managed to shock me. This is Australia and it's no longer untouched by terror.

Also today we had a baby brown snake (about 30cms long and just as venomous as a big fella) turn up in our lounge room. We rang around to try and find someone to catch him, but in the end no one could come so we had to catch him ourselves.......I gently popped him in a bucket with a fire poker. So now we have a brown snake in a bucket......not ideal......in the end we couldn't find anyone to take him so we took him to a nearby creek and let him go. I'm hoping we don't have an encore.

I wonder if this is how Canadians feel when they find a bear in the hot tub........

Vanessa

Sunday 14 December 2014

You are alone

I often wonder how many people understand what it's like to be alone. My world of people is 2. I can hear people saying 'surely there are more than that!' but no. Not at all. There are 2 people I can call if I need them, both are family and neither will be there forever for various reasons. So. Yeah.
I know other people to say 'hi' to when we bump into each other but I don't have numbers, or emails or regular meetups. I have 3 peoples numbers who don't have  a professional association. 1 I hear from once a year, 1 I hear from if she has some big news or wants to judge my life choices/plans, the last 1 I talk to more often but she never contacts me I always initiate. I have 4 whatsapp/email friends 3 from this blog and 1 who stayed at our old place as a backpacker (but contact with her is sporadic at best). That's my social world. I don't have Christmas parties or birthday invites or, well, any social engagements of any kind. It's depressing. What makes it worse is I'm scared to take the steps that might gain me any kind of social life.....then again maybe I'll just never have one no matter how hard I try?

My mum actually managed to hurt my feelings today, I'm sure she didn't mean too, my friend (the big news/life choices one) sent a Christmas card to me from her and her new boyfriend. My mum has been on about it ever since, 'I wonder what he's like', 'she'll be getting married soon, maybe you'll be a bridesmaid?', 'she'll have some kids too soon' none of this was in a 'whats with you?!' way just a general statement of the situation......then she says 'oh she'll hang onto this one, she's getting old, she'll be worried about being left on the shelf. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I even think it's better in a lot of ways!' from the women who was married 32 years. I wanted to cry, and not much makes me cry, basically I'm old and going to be left on the shelf. Not that thats a bad thing! Even my mum can see my hopelessness-and she basically has to see me in a good light.

Merry frickin' Christmas y'all.

Vanessa

Thursday 11 December 2014

Hopes, dreams, disappointment and disillusionment

Here are a few things I hope to do one day, first up SUP or stand up paddle boarding:
SUP

looks like fun doesn't it? Secondly snorkelling:
snorkel

I realise the pic with the whale shark is actually scuba diving but the sentiment is the same-it looks like fun! Thirdly, hows about some canoeing?:
canoe

I think wilderness canoeing adventure would be pretty amazing. Fourthly, stay at a cabin with a lake with a swim raft:
swim raft

You have no idea how long it took me to find out what they were called....lets just say way too long.....embarrassing. But I think a few days at a lake with some friends would be amazing. Fifthly, snowboarding!:
snowboard

I also wouldn't mind trying out surfing one day although its not as high on my list as the others mentioned:
surf

You've probably noticed that these are mostly water sports, I think this has something to do with my deep love of water as a youngster: I learnt to swim at 3 and was rarely out of the water until about 12 (when self consciousness set in).....if I could let go of that I just know I'd love getting back in the water, with ample sunblock of course! These are the kind of images that speak to me, they touch my soul somehow, make me want:
beach life

Maybe its the implied carefree confidence they imply? I don't know but it sure looks good! Looking at these pics it's hard not to think about body image and fitness, the girl with the plait in these pics has pretty much my dream body:
C2 fit

I don't know if it's just me but fitness talk always confuses me: on one hand someone will be saying 'cardio!', another 'no! Weights only!', another will say 'weights and HIT cardio!' and then there's the whole healthy eating can of worms! Ah so confusing! I'll say I'm lucky, I can eat what I want and not get outside a healthy BMI, I stay somewhere around a size AU 12 US 8.....on the downside I can loose 10 kgs and still be the same dress size! I guess thats the trade off. Being a healthy BMI doesn't make me fit though, I'm a bit soft I guess, I'd like to get fit but I tend to overthink the whole thing and give up before I begin *sigh* And staying fit whilst traveling seems hard....see the overthinking there? 
This is a good read for ladies struggling with body image: http://mollygalbraith.com/2014/03/cellulite-stretch-marks-and-a-love-your-body-challenge/ All those girls are beautiful.....but are they perfect? Nope. Does it make them any less attractive? Nope. Rock on ladies. 

 The disappointment and disillusionment of this post? The fact that I'll probably never do a single one of these things. Or even if I do that I'll never be able to enjoy them. 
I just want to enjoy life.......please universe? 
 Until next time, Vanessa

Saturday 6 December 2014

The questing beast

The last few weeks have been hard. Somewhat enlightening, but mostly just hard. And not necessarily in the way I anticipated.
Moving was stressful and hectic and hard, it's over now and weirdly enough I have no really strong feelings about any of it (apart from never wanting to see a box again) and that, my friends, freaks me out-that's how emotionally dulled I am, I literally just don't care. Thats bad on so many levels. The only thing that gets any fight out of me these days is if I feel one of the critters needs me, thats about it. I could care less about my self really, and thats left me a bit shell shocked to be honest-what is the point really if I don't care? I told my mother this and she said it 'sounded bad, like depression' and maybe it is-I'm so far in I can't even see the forest for the trees maybe. Maybe some of my lack of motivation stems from this. Or maybe I'm just lazy. F*ck if I know. Who even is this person I've become?
I guess the best way to describe it is if I could look at my future I just see a big long blank-sure I do what I have to to live but theres not much commitment beyond that and I mostly do that to please other people (my family basically), but I feel a serious disconnect even from them lately, whenever I make plans I don't really get excited or enjoy making them-I can't see any thing changing so I just go through the motions, but really it's that excitement, anticipation and motivation that make you succeed so without them it's all for naught. Anyway it's a weird realisation to come to and I'm not quite sure what to do about it as yet.

I also recently read a story that mentioned another story, it used the questing beast (from the once and future king) as a metaphor for obsession: you spend your life hunting the beast, it consumes you, then for whatever reason you can't hunt for a while, this in turn affects the beast, who without you hunting him, feeding him your obsession, get's ill, where upon you find the beast......but instead of slaying it and ending the cycle you nurse it to health and then start hunting it again. You hunt the beast, the beast feeds off your obsession and the circle remains complete. In the story the point was that if you stop feeding your beast (your obsession, whatever it may be) it will die. The story did a better job of describing it than that but I felt a deep level of recognition with that description-anxiety is my beast and I feed him well. I need to stop and let him die-easier said then done!
Having not read the questing beast I can't say how accurate that metaphor is (googling makes me think it may be more of a metaphor for frivolity and bloodlust *shrugs*)-but from now on in my mind any consuming obsession, good or bad, will be visualised as a questing beast :) All fangs and claws and hidden dangers.

In other news the incel forum has gone down again, if anyone from there reads tis drop me an email and let me know whats going on, if not I guess I'll just keep an eye out and hope it pops up again.

I've been loving Julia and Angus Stone these last few days:

http://youtu.be/VEmqd8-sJco

 On that note,
Vanessa