Not really

My sister has a wonderful knack for making me doubt whether I'm doing the right thing. Like 'oh that's a great degree! No jobs at the end of course, but go for it!' or 'that has really hard math.....but I'm sure you'l be fine!'-I wish she'd just leave it alone really. Don't say anything, keep any doubts to yourself please, I'm already nervous and insecure enough without any help. I'm starting some math tutoring shortly, so cross your fingers for me please, I know it won't be easy but I hope I can get through it one step at a time. Then if all goes well I'll actually apply for uni and, hopefully, go this time. I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing, it's not sitting entirely comfortably for me right now and I'm really facing am ultimatum if I go: University or the farm. I won't lie, if I thought I could meet a partner here (or already had) I wouldn't even consider leaving, I know what I'm doing here, I'm good at it, and theres no better place to raise a family (I'd still like to travel though)-but I don't see that happening. In small rural areas people pair off early and theres just no one suitable. I'm isolated and lonely. But still I'm giving up my known quantity for something unknown, something I'm not sure about-where I may end up being just as isolated, lonely and miserable only without being able to retreat to my favourite patch of dirt, with no one around for miles, and think 'wow'. I'm giving up something infinitely, undeniably special that I can never get back for a gamble at a better emotional life. For friends and hopefully one day a family. There are no guarantees though and isn't that scary as hell? I think my fear of it not working out are what's making me a subconsciously sabotage myself or make my efforts feeble and half hearted, at the first trouble I throw the towel in, say 'oh well too hard! Not meant to be.', and retreat once again to my miserable, safe cocoon. I also trip myself up with thinking everyone is better than me and that I can't do 'it' (it could be anything from math to traveling on my own to making friends), I never doubt others just myself. I also wonder if maybe I'm not just too damaged and undesirable that I'm wasting my time even trying to break out.

Funnily enough whilst in Toronto I had a chat with a girl who, like me, was from a farm, unlike me, she wanted to go to the biggest, busiest uni she could find and was completely uninterested in the farm full stop-she was so confident, sure and also super excited (I don't get excited anymore, I know whatever I pick is going to be long and hard). I was so jealous for a minute, why couldn't I be like that? Life would be easier for sure.

I also get the feeling somewhat irrationally, that people just don't like me. Sometimes I think my own mother doesn't even like me. I'm always trying to be careful not to say the wrong thing, or upset someone, that I think I come off as timid and opinion-less-far from the truth, I just don't want to argue or alienate. When a tough subject comes up I tend to demure, which somewhat irritates me, but I feel my relationships are so fragile a strong disagreement might end them. 

On a more everyday note it's getting pretty chilly here so I'm about to invest in a couple of wool thermals and a pair of boots. Life goes on.

Vanessa

PS I've also managed to chip my front tooth.......for someone who doesn't play contact sport and hasn't had any mouth to hard/interesting (heh) object contact lately this is frankly quite impressive really. Dentist for me *sigh*

The important questions?

What are the important questions? I guess they differ from person to person. For me my biggest question is, does anything I do really matter if there's no one to share it with? Theoretically speaking I know it does, there are other people out there who've proven it, but I guess I want to share with others, I want someone to pat me on the back and say well done or give me advice on what now or what next. I fight not to lose interest when I don't have someone else to share my interest. I need to work on that. I shouldn't need outside validation to make something seem worthwhile.
So I guess my biggest question, for now anyway, is how to feel validated even if I never have other people. I know this problem isn't limited to just me as it's been mentioned on the incel forums quite a bit, it's a gnarly one alright a bit like the ole if a tree falls conundrum.

Another smaller question that bothers me on and off is how I look. This will sound weird, but basically I couldn't tell you if I'm plain, ugly or pretty-I look in the mirror and I can't tell, so I go with the happy medium of 'plain'. I've been told I'm attractive on a few occasions but how do I know if that's true? I'm not about to post my pic on one of those rate it websites and it feels silly asking others for opinions. All I could say for sure is I have big eyes and high cheek bones, apart from that I don't know. Is it worth trying to learn to apply makeup and do my hair if I've not got the base needed to make me look good? Do I look like my sister or is she really that much more attractive than me, as I see it? I don't know how other girls know if they are attractive, I guess they base it on male attention......based on that I'm an orc.

In other news I'm considering doing a tertiary prep course, I'm a bit unsure about it though as it's a condensed version over 6 weeks instead of 12 weeks (as I missed the term 2 enrolment but can make the summer one)-maybe too much for me? And I wonder if it's enough or if I need more. It's out of state too so I'd have to move as well........I'll let you guys know what I'm up to when I decide. In the meantime I'm thinking of learning to knit :)

Vanessa

Sorry I'm a flake

Sorry I've been a bit flaky lately, just not feeling it I'm afraid. I've been thinking about then putting off this post ever since I got home. So let me level with you: I'm bored, directionless and miserable. Coming home from a trip where I've been moving around, trying new things, chatting with random people and just generally having a good time (navigating the Montreal metro, anyone? Or is it just me?), knowing that if my life was that little bit better or different that I may be exploring/studying in a different country-knowing it's something I'd enjoy sans my social anxiety-makes everything feel a bit dreary. Traveling through all of these people and realising I'm always on the outside looking in, like I'm in a glass box, thinking it'll maybe always be like that. Who am I kidding, it's definitely going to be like that. Whilst I was traveling I heard so many stories of overseas adventures involving friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I felt keenly what I was missing. I was even jealous of a group of Aussie girls who were working and traveling around Canada and also had a USA road trip planned-I just could help but think: why them and not me? Why couldn't I have that too? There's no answer. There's no point dwelling.
I've realised it's fine to be alone if that's what you want. If that's what you enjoy. And maybe that's the reason it bothers me so much, I don't want to be alone and I enjoy the company of a friend (not that I've felt that for a long time, probably since S moved away 11 years ago), what is it about me that people don't like? Do I smell funny? Look like a serial killer? Have crazy eyes? Are boring? I don't know. I realise I'm not likely to meet people whilst sitting at home cruising youtube for braiding tutorials, but even when I make an effort it falls flat, which brings me to my next point: internet friends. Some people seem to be able to make internet friends easily too, I don't. No 'oh I'm going to stay with Jade who I meet on the internet whilst blogging, it'll be so exciting to see her!' for me, is even my internet persona so odd? What is it about me? I wonder at how life must be for those people that everyone likes and wants to be friends with, you know the kind, everyone knows one. I know of three. Notice I didn't say 'know' there as I don't really, just in passing to say hi. I'm no-ones best friend, I'm no-ones first port of call, I'm just alone. None of my (fading, as I'm beginning to realise) friends ever call (or text or email) me first-I always have to initiate. It hurts when they haven't bothered to ring you for 3 months but they casually mention how they called so and so the other day to catch up. One of my friends even moved without giving me her new phone number, I got it off her mum, she told me that when she's stressed she withdraws......but she gave her details to her 2 other friends. Am I over stepping my bounds here? Should I not call? Maybe she tried to 'forget' me on purpose? She always seems happy to hear from me though and we talk for hours. I don't know anymore.
I have no goals right now, my mum is pushing me to learn to drive and I just feel so ambivalent about everything I don't see the point. She's also been complaining I've been going to bed too early, before she was complaining it was too late, I just can't win. She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I've never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now.
I know I don't want to live like this forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do.

Vanessa