Monday 9 June 2014

Sorry I'm a flake

Sorry I've been a bit flaky lately, just not feeling it I'm afraid. I've been thinking about then putting off this post ever since I got home. So let me level with you: I'm bored, directionless and miserable. Coming home from a trip where I've been moving around, trying new things, chatting with random people and just generally having a good time (navigating the Montreal metro, anyone? Or is it just me?), knowing that if my life was that little bit better or different that I may be exploring/studying in a different country-knowing it's something I'd enjoy sans my social anxiety-makes everything feel a bit dreary. Traveling through all of these people and realising I'm always on the outside looking in, like I'm in a glass box, thinking it'll maybe always be like that. Who am I kidding, it's definitely going to be like that. Whilst I was traveling I heard so many stories of overseas adventures involving friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I felt keenly what I was missing. I was even jealous of a group of Aussie girls who were working and traveling around Canada and also had a USA road trip planned-I just could help but think: why them and not me? Why couldn't I have that too? There's no answer. There's no point dwelling.
I've realised it's fine to be alone if that's what you want. If that's what you enjoy. And maybe that's the reason it bothers me so much, I don't want to be alone and I enjoy the company of a friend (not that I've felt that for a long time, probably since S moved away 11 years ago), what is it about me that people don't like? Do I smell funny? Look like a serial killer? Have crazy eyes? Are boring? I don't know. I realise I'm not likely to meet people whilst sitting at home cruising youtube for braiding tutorials, but even when I make an effort it falls flat, which brings me to my next point: internet friends. Some people seem to be able to make internet friends easily too, I don't. No 'oh I'm going to stay with Jade who I meet on the internet whilst blogging, it'll be so exciting to see her!' for me, is even my internet persona so odd? What is it about me? I wonder at how life must be for those people that everyone likes and wants to be friends with, you know the kind, everyone knows one. I know of three. Notice I didn't say 'know' there as I don't really, just in passing to say hi. I'm no-ones best friend, I'm no-ones first port of call, I'm just alone. None of my (fading, as I'm beginning to realise) friends ever call (or text or email) me first-I always have to initiate. It hurts when they haven't bothered to ring you for 3 months but they casually mention how they called so and so the other day to catch up. One of my friends even moved without giving me her new phone number, I got it off her mum, she told me that when she's stressed she withdraws......but she gave her details to her 2 other friends. Am I over stepping my bounds here? Should I not call? Maybe she tried to 'forget' me on purpose? She always seems happy to hear from me though and we talk for hours. I don't know anymore.
I have no goals right now, my mum is pushing me to learn to drive and I just feel so ambivalent about everything I don't see the point. She's also been complaining I've been going to bed too early, before she was complaining it was too late, I just can't win. She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I've never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now.
I know I don't want to live like this forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do.

Vanessa

6 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that you're feeling so directionless. I can feel that way sometimes too. I think that it's easy to notice lots of popular people around who seem to find life easy, because they're out and about a lot and end up meeting lots of people, including us. It's easy not to realise that there are also a lot of directionless people out there who don't have loads of friends and energy and stuff. I bet some of them don't even write blogs either, so at least you're doing that!

    I think of you as an internet friend, and if you're ever in London then we could meet up and hang out. You seem cool from your blog so I don't know why that woman you know didn't give you her number. I've had similar things before too. I think for me I'm not so good at just talking about random trivial stuff, so I don't contact people unless I can think of a good reason. Also I've been playing computer games quite a lot, which doesn't really require other people. I think some people have hobbies that automatically make them spend time with people (like going to bars or going on road trips) whereas some people like me don't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah that's true, damn those people people-why can't they just stay home and eat ice cream like the rest of us? ;)

      Thanks :) I'll get to London one day, it's on the list! I think she may have genuinely forgot.....she's never been on time to anything in her life (her own mother frets over it), but I hate the niggle of what if she didn't? She's not backwards about coming forwards though so I suspect if she's sick of me she'll let me know. And you know what I think that the lack of small talk might be the half of it, I only ring when I have important stuff to say or discuss but other people talk everyday about what they did or where they went shopping or how much the milk was-I'm glad I'm not the only one who sucks at that stuff LOL Sometimes I'll even write a post and then delete it because I'll think 'no one wants to read about that!'.
      I have an embarrassing fact about me and videos games: I really like them, but I feel guilty when my character dies to the point I can't play anymore.....I have prince or persia around here somewhere, practically untouched because I couldn't bear to keep accidentally killing him LOL I have to stick to non-kill-the-character games, I'm really good at computer based horse jumping.......
      I think that's part of the problem but also I find it hard to find people who want to do things like road trips...how do you find them? Put up an add? Ask random people? It's tricky eh?
      Vanessa

      Delete
  2. Yeah, I'm not really sure how to find people for things like road trips either. I did a bit of one years ago with my brother and a guy we grew up with, but these days more and more people seem to have other commitments in their lives and things like that. I guess recently I mostly meet new people at work, but that doesn't guarantee that I'll end up doing much social stuff with them. I guess that blogging is a trickier way to find people to do things with because a lot of them will live in some distant part of the world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah it really amazes me.......like those three girls traveling for 2 years together, how is it that they all wanted to do the same thing at the same time and all agreed on a plan?? That never happens to me! Ever, even with family LOL

      True very true, they mostly aren't just down the road and I'm sure most of us would be a bit nervous if they were LOL

      Vanessa

      Delete
  3. Hey, Nessa. Sending you a cyber hug. Sometimes it's just hard making or maintaining friendships. It happens. After college, any new friends I've made have been coworkers and one gym buddy. Since you're kind of secluded due to location, extra effort will have to made.

    "She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I've never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now. I know I don't want to live like this forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do."

    This is a heavy feeling that I know all too well and it's painful. What's the first thing that pops up in your head?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks V :) You're right, I know deep down I'm not an awful person or defective, I am shy and a bit awkward which makes things even harder added to the fact that I'm isolated and don't have any human work buddies so to speak (me and the sheep are tight yo.....that sounds totally weird. I mean it in they like to have their ears scratched and I'm the first choice.....oh you all know what I mean).
      Proablem is nothing is popping into my head......I've never had that happen before.....???
      I'll email you back soon with more details :)
      Vanessa

      Delete