Saturday, 9 August 2014

Where to start.......

Okay well I'll start with my sister shall I? I've mentioned before her being a bitch to me but I could never think of an example, well today she did it twice-so I can finally let you all know what I mean. I was watching a (terrible) horror movie on TV this morning, my sister walks in and immediately say's 'I don't know why you want to go to university, you're obviously training to be a serial killer'  she said it in a nasty tone (ie she wasn't joking) I replied 'given the sheer amount of horror/crime movies/docos made I'm not the only one' that shut her up. But that hurt, why would she say that? Just to be nasty that's why, to make me feel bad/guilty for doing something I might find interesting. She's not happy unless she's belittling me in some way or anther, undermining my confidence. I just don't know why she does it. She does it to my mum too, it's so awful, especially as we all go out of our way to help her out. I'm beginning to realise that although she's family my sister just isn't a very nice person. Some of the things she says about people are just so incredibly hurtful and rude, family may stick together but I won't be going out of my way to help her out anymore. You've probably noticed didn't mention the second thing, I will later in the post but it needs to be in context, I'll point it out but I'm sure you'll all notice it anyway.

Secondly lets talk about university. I feel like I may bore you guys talking about it, but I really am trying to break out of my rut-it's hard is all. Anyhow I've enrolled in a refresher course at a uni in QLD, it starts the last week in November and goes for 6 weeks. Which isn't all that far away! After that you enrol in the main degree program, I'm hoping the refresher is enough but if it isn't I guess I'll just bite the bullet and do my high school diploma equivalent-which will take anywhere from 6 months to a year. It feels good to have a plan B. However I've come to realise I have zero confidence in myself being able to actually do any good at school, I want to believe that I can.....but what if I can't? It's an awful feeling, constant gnawing doubt. My sister has helped this along over the years as well. I'm also feeling some pretty heavy duty anxiety over moving-more on that later.

Oh. Did I forget to mention that my sister heard what I was thinking of doing and enrolled too? No? My bad. Well she did. So now she's moving up as well, in theory (ie with a normal sister...) this would be a good thing-big sis could help out her nervous younger sibling, help steer her in the right direction etc......with my sister? Nope, no way. My mum was just chatting about getting to and from uni, my sister drives and has a newish car my mum bought for her, my sister piped up about how she'd mostly catch public transport but for exams it'd be nice to drive. My mum said 'oh Vanessa doesn't drive' long pause where my sister could've offered to drive me too on exam days 'guess she'll be taking public transport than.......'. I just felt shocked all over again how selfish my sister is. Wow. After all we'll be living in the same town! If the situation was reversed I would've drove her no questions asked. *psst that's the second crappy thing she did*

Which brings me to: the epic saga of living somewhere that isn't here.
I'll start with the whole sister thing (again. Sorry.), it would make sense to live with her and share our costs right? Now who would be sacrificing the most in this situation? Well lets weigh it up, hmmm? My sister has a kid, a partner and a cat. I have...wait....nothing. I'd be paying half. I think we can all see who's getting the better deal. My mum told me straight out that I shouldn't consider living with her (her words were actually something along the lines of 'you can't be serious?! You'd have to be a crazy ass mofo to want to do that!' um. Yes.) anyway I thought if we rented something with an upstairs/downstairs or a granny flat it might work. I've since realised the error of my ways, specifically after my sister told me her partner would kill me, her kid hates me and that I'm a horrible slob......I really had to hold back from telling her if her partner can live with her he could live with anyone pretty much and that last time I was in her house the cat was sleeping on the kitchen stove, there were half full mouldy coffee cups all over the lounge room floor, I nearly fell over a pile of dirty laundry in the hall and her room was strewn with books, dirty clothes and other misc items. I'll admit I'm not the neatest person......but if we're having a contest of who's tidier I'd win. I won't be sharing with my sister. Full stop. Which brought me to the contemplation of living arrangements with just me, I know a lot of people have advised roommates/sharing but I've thought a lot about this and given the price difference between shared accommodation and my very own little flat (which is like $10) I think I'll go with my own little flat. Let me justify my decision: I figure at least for the first few months I'm going to be pretty overwhelmed-I don't want to be worried about bumping into someone in the shared kitchen (knowing me I'd be eating at like 2am to avoid people), I don't want to fight over the TV, I don't want the only lounge to be in a shared area (again I'd just avoid), I don't want to have to ask someone to turn down their music or TV or whatever (again I just wouldn't and then I'd get no sleep), I don't want to have to hide out elsewhere because there's a party or the person next door is having sex, I don't want to bump into someones one night stand the next morning (ie a complete stranger!) and most of all I don't want to risk being the weird girl of the share house. The way I see it I'll be faking my way through pretty much all day everyday to start, I want my own space to come home too, where I can completely relax and not have to worry that I may have to talk to someone or that someones stolen my lasagne out of the communal fridge. Also my mum wants to come up and stay for a few weeks here and there which would be pretty difficult in a share house. I figure once I'm settled then I'll start looking into doing some meetups or joining a club or something. My sister may put a damper on these things though, she always has a snide remark ready and I don't like her knowing what I' up to :( God it seems so ridiculous doesn't it? But I swear it's true.
I'm really anxious about living alone and living away from home for the first time, I'm worried I'll be really lonely, isolate myself and just stare at the walls all day. I'm worried I'll stress myself out, my mum out, spend a heap of money, have it all not work out and be back at home feeling even more useless. Then I feel angry at myself because there are 18 year olds doing this shit every year. I'm 27. It shouldn't be this hard all the time, WTF?

Next? How about: well you know home? might not be there when you want to come back.
My mum has decided to sell the farm. This as I'm sure you can all imagine is a huge upheaval for me. All my memories are here, of my dad and my sister, my childhood dog is buried here the list just goes on. I can't even imagine moving and going to uni whilst this is going on. I have happy memories here, will I ever make anymore? Am I leaving the best parts of my life behind? Even if I'm not making new memories here at least I can paddle about in the old ones that make me happy. It's hard to know what the right move is right now.

The mathematics conundrum.
I really need to get on top of this. I want to feel confident about it even if I'm not a whizz. But for some reason I always feel like I'm just a few cms from it clicking, I keep reaching but it doesn't seem to work, I'm very frustrated about it.

Zero confidence.
I don't think I realised until recently I have zero confidence in myself. I really don't know what to do about it, all I know is when I try to visualise something (like uni, moving out etc) I just can't believe I can do it, I just can't imagine anything positive at all, I don't know how to change it apart from being as prepared as I can.........but then if I get anxious all my concentration and intelligence flee me :(

I really need to get on to this. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now.

Whew well that's a start anyway, there's probably stuff I've left out or forgot but I'll post it next time. Until then,


  1. That really sucks that your sister is like that. I hope you get to a point where she can be less involved in your life - maybe still see her occasionally but have lots of time not seeing her and spending more time with people who make you feel good about yourself rather than bad. Sounds like you might have some exciting times coming up - I know it will be daunting too, but I believe that you can do it. Like you say, if you have a safe space of your own to come back to then hopefully you can gradually venture out and try things, knowing that you've got the safe place when you need it.

    1. Hey Matt :)
      I alway's appreciate your comments :) I'm pretty much trying to take my sister with a grain of salt, she can just be so nasty sometimes :( So much is join on right now, I just really don't know what to do-I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes and just saying 'forget it!' *sigh* I feel like the goal posts keep moving around on me.
      I hope I can eventually get somewhere I want to be in life.

  2. P.S. My bit of pop psychology for the day: people like your sister who put other people down a lot generally do it because they have insecurities within themselves or things that they don't like about themselves, even if it's not apparent. The things that your sister claims to find annoying about you may well actually be things that she finds frustrating about herself, so she doesn't like seeing them in other people because it reminds her of her own shortcomings (e.g. being messy.)

  3. Ditto Matt! Sounds to me like your sister is extremely dissatisfied and insecure with herself to put down everyone around her. I bet somewhere inside her she's actually jealous of you and your courageous decision to go to school. Yes courageous- you definitely don't give yourself enough credit for how much you do and how much control you actually have over your life. I can tell you from experience that if you take a second and look back on your life, you'll realize you've actually accomplished quite a bit to no one's credit but your own! Also from experience, keeping contact with your sister to a minimum is probably a really good idea right now- doesn't have to be forever, but the amount of negativity she brings to your energy is not good when you're not feeling the most secure. I know it's easier said than done, but if she won't lift a finger to help you, why should you help her? Help and worry about yourself FIRST, then lend a sisterly hand. :) you can do it!

    1. Thanks queen vee :) Good advice I'm sure, I'll do my best to follow it ;) I hope you are doing well!