Just like that

it's over.

All the trust, the love, the cuddles.

After reuniting at his request after a short break, being given flowers and told how lucky was to have me and that he loved me so much. After telling his dad he wanted to be with me, his dad welcoming me to the family, after talking about rings and babies. He called it off. In the car. A week after telling me the above.

I am totally broken. I love him completely. I love his family and being part of it. It hurts so much. As much as when my dad and sister died, more, because he is telling me he doesn't love me anymore romantically. He had a choice, he got to make that choice. I've cried in front of him, embarrassed myself. Begged. I feel so embarrassed, I hate that I am reduced to this, I am embarrassed about people finding out.

The closest I've ever been with anyone ever. I just want to be close to him, smell his shirt, listen to his heartbeat and cuddle lazily in bed in the morning. I've been there for him unequivocally, supported him, looked after him. The fact that I can no longer be close to him is like torture, the thought of another taking my place is......I don't even know how to explain how it feels, like I don't matter, like I'm never enough, like I just want to disappear.

I don't want anyone but him, his blue eyes and sandy hair. His cute curls. All I wanted was to make him happy.

I spent the night before my graduation crying. I spent a day that should have been  a celebration of success and hardwork paying off tearing up in my seat and wondering what these girls walking across the stage have that I don't. Wondering if his next love will be called Kayleigh or Emma, when her birthday will be, of what they'll do together. My birthday is in two weeks, I'll be 32, I feel so old. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know what to do.

I never knew a human could feel like this, like every part of them is completely pointless, that they're bleeding emotions, bleeding love and the recipient doesn't care. It's not enough. Like their very soul has been stolen, or worse perhaps broken.

I am alone, again, destined to be that way it seems. Apparently this is my lot in life, and you know what? I'm fucking angry about it. I want to send it back broken. I want to quit.

I am so scared for myself, for my future.

I am enrolled in school to do a graduate diploma but I can't even feed myself let alone do school.

I don't know what to do.