I've finally put my finger on what bothers me about online dating (took me long enough) but it's this: effectively you're selling yourself. It's not about being a good kind person. Or an immoral one. It's about how you look and how well you can 'sell' yourself with a description. You're a commodity. And to compete with the others you need to be the absolute best version of yourself-even then there will always be someone thinner/prettier/taller/smarter etc. It actually reminds me very much of livestock sale catalogues: you look at the pictures, read the descriptions/stats and then pick a few prospects and hope you're the highest bidder. It won't stop me from trying it one day but I really don't want to be the last bull in the ring so to speak.
Also failing at life. I feel that I should keep better track of the blogs I'm following, post more comments, be more active online but I'm just not very good at keeping up. I'd like to post more comments but often I can't figure out how to word them, I'm worried I'll offend someone or that no one wants to read my opinion. I feel, quite frankly, that I'm letting the side down-I'm a part of a small minority, the later in life non-religious virgin, and I feel I should help support others in my position. I consider them my tribe and I want to contribute as best I can. I just can't figure out how? It's irrationally distressing.
Failing at being a girl. I also sometimes worry about whether or not my inability to apply eyeliner is a serious mark against me as a girl. I mean most ladies wouldn't dream of a first date without 'doing their face', I tend to be too scared I'll make myself look a) like edward cullen (washed out and sparkly) b) I had a fight with someone and got both my eyes blacked or c) just plain weird. Then I have to take it off and that leaves me pink and irritated looking due to my sensitive skin and mild rosacea. I did have some laser last week on my rosacea-to keep it under control-let me just say ouch! But I can see the difference, it's looking better :) Thank god, I was so swollen the first couple days it wasn't pretty at all! I also believe I am a slightly ridiculous human for worry about this......
I'm off to my first math lesson tomorrow. Wish me luck.