Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Get it straight

That's what I'm trying to do. Get it straight. Figure it out. It's not going so well. I've discovered in the last week one can indeed be both bored and's a fabulously contradicting state to be in. I'm so sick of being in one form of emotional distress or another, constantly, for years now-I've spent more time unhappy than not. Conflicted than not. And that's all I really want, a future to look forward to (be it with or without a partner), to be happy 80% of the time would be really nice. Feeling I'm doing something right or going somewhere would be really nice. Would soothe my soul I think. I can't see it right now, most of my plans have fallen through or been replaced/reshuffled due to this whole moving debacle-I'm not too happy about moving, I'm even less happy now I feel that my lot in life is to be my families willing entourage. I'm a person too, I love my family but why am I always last? Maybe I rely on them too much-I just don't know. I'm worried by trying to get myself independent that I'll fail and have no close ties to come back to.
I'm still looking into various options, but really I think I need to get myself less anxious in everyday situations before I do anything-and I resent that. I don't want to spend months or even years getting that sorted before I can do anything, learning to do something 90% of the population have no trouble with. Why can' I just be normal? Why can't anything ever be easy. Or simple. I then put pressure on myself and feel so horribly useless that I can't just do anything normal or right. I sometimes really feel that I have no future, or at least none I want, is it really possible to claw your way out of this? It just seems so unbelievable to me. I want it to be true though, so, so badly.
I've been avoiding contacting anyone and I can't really say why, I finally manned up and called my friend S and felt better for it.....and I've made this blog post too, so now you know what's happening. I'm not abandoning my blog and my absence has not being to any exciting developments, mores the pity. I have a plan for a future blog post on my hatred of being photographed, which exceeds normal levels I'm sure and also a post on being who you want to be vs who you actually are, not sure when I'll get to it but I will :)
In the meantime I've bought my first ever red lipstick, a slightly pricey one, that I'll hopefully one day be confident enough to wear in 27 I thought it was time for my first 'grown up' lip colour, I may never master eyeliner but there's no excuse for me not to try the lips I admire on other more confident girls. Also apparently red lips are sexy, maybe someone'll notice them? I can also wear it as a stain if I'm not yet ready for full on colour.
Heres the one I bought:
It's pretty eh?


  1. That sucks if you feel like you're just following your family around doing what they want you to do. I hope they'll repay the favour and help you to get to where you want to be!

    1. You've hit the nail on the head Matt-that's exactly how I feel. I hope it will get better in the future but I'm not holding my breath right now :(