So I've officially finished my first semester of uni! Go me right? Reading my last post makes me cringe......not because I'm embarrassed or I feel like I was over exaggerating but because I've realised I have to go through that all again next semester. And as you can probably imagine I don't like torturing myself anymore then the next person so I'm really, really not looking forward to it. Also I have an extra subject next semester. Cue nervous breakdown.
Anyway lets talk about other things. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think with uni but now I have 8 blissful weeks off.....to torture myself about other stuff. So my friend leaving has effected me more than I anticipated, it was kind of like confidence by osmosis, and her unwavering optimism kind of wore of on me too. I felt more hopeful. That's waned since she's gone and here I am back where I started-unsure and frustrated about it. She was also a snappy dresser which kind of encouraged me to be more adventurous too, this semester has been pure jeans, t-shirt and hoodie territory and I really need to give myself a kick and start putting some effort in again. Bright side is I made 2 new acquaintances (I text them occasionally and I've been invited out but didn't go) and 1 new friend, unfortunately the driving and school work meant I didn't really take advantage of that like I probably should have. My 2 remaining internet friends have remained rock solid.....even when I didn't have time to talk for a few days when I was busy with school! So big hugs to Anita and Sarah-you guys can make a shitty day just that much better so I can cope. I've also discovered uni is not the place to meet dudes, to start there's the fact that there are more girls than boys, but more importantly there are 2 kinds of people at uni: 18 year olds and mid-20s up who are married, have kids or are in serious relationships. And as I went to uni near home (smart move for my mental health BTW) I'm still at home with my mum and living in a town of retirees. It's all a bit of a nightmare. Not to mention the fact that I'm acutely aware of the whole getting older, not having any experience and trying to A, explain that in a way that makes sense to a 'normal' person and B, trying to get over the nerves/abject fear of looking like a complete weirdo to actually try and do something. So really for the rest of the year I don't see this changing. But I do have options for next year, here they are in no particular order:
*I could transfer uni's hope for the best re my mental health and also transfer credits
*I could try and go on an exchange
*I could take a gap year and travel
If you'd like to weigh in on those options please feel free, so far I'm actually thinking of taking my midyear holidays next year and doing a Canadian cross country road trip with a friend and then perhaps staying on for an exchange. I run out of time for a working visa officially the end on next year so that's hanging over my head. But most importantly no matter what I'm doing or where I am nothing seems to change about my single status. Aren't people with accents meant to at least a few points hotter by default? Anyway I think it's pretty clear to me at this point I have no idea what I'm doing, only that I'm doing it wrong.....oh and that I have no clue how to fix it.
Then just to ice the cake of hopelessness I'm feeling right now I took my eye off a sports team I follow on and off and bam! One of my favourite players has gotten married and had a baby. Literally had the baby yesterday. Thanks universe for making me feel like an even bigger loser.
Basically how I see it is there's what I do and then there's what everyone else does and there isn't much interception between the two. I feel like a lesser, stupider species. It sucks.
It's kind of strange when everyone else is dreaming of being rich or a rockstar or an actor and here I am dreaming of being normal. *sigh*
I'm off to indulge in some online retail therapy. Maybe later I'll torture myself by watching say yes to the dress.
Until next time,
your socially awkward well meaning neighbourhood virgin