Thursday, 2 June 2016

A likely story

So I've officially finished my first semester of uni! Go me right? Reading my last post makes me cringe......not because I'm embarrassed or I feel like I was over exaggerating but because I've realised I have to go through that all again next semester. And as you can probably imagine I don't like torturing myself anymore then the next person so I'm really, really not looking forward to it. Also I have an extra subject next semester. Cue nervous breakdown.
Anyway lets talk about other things. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think with uni but now I have 8 blissful weeks torture myself about other stuff. So my friend leaving has effected me more than I anticipated, it was kind of like confidence by osmosis, and her  unwavering optimism kind of wore of on me too. I felt more hopeful. That's waned since she's gone and here I am back where I started-unsure and frustrated about it. She was also a snappy dresser which kind of encouraged me to be more adventurous too, this semester has been pure jeans, t-shirt and hoodie territory and I really need to give myself a kick and start putting some effort in again. Bright side is I made 2 new acquaintances (I text them occasionally and I've been invited out but didn't go) and 1 new friend, unfortunately the driving and school work meant I didn't really take advantage of that like I probably should have. My 2 remaining internet friends have remained rock solid.....even when I didn't have time to talk for a few days when I was busy with school! So big hugs to Anita and Sarah-you guys can make a shitty day just that much better so I can cope. I've also discovered uni is not the place to meet dudes, to start there's the fact that there are more girls than boys, but more importantly there are 2 kinds of people at uni: 18 year olds and mid-20s up who are married, have kids or are in serious relationships. And as I went to uni near home (smart move for my mental health BTW) I'm still at home with my mum and living in a town of retirees. It's all a bit of a nightmare. Not to mention the fact that I'm acutely aware of the whole getting older, not having any experience and trying to A, explain that in a way that makes sense to a 'normal' person and B, trying to get over the nerves/abject fear of looking like a complete weirdo to actually try and do something. So really for the rest of the year I don't see this changing. But I do have options for next year, here they are in no particular order:
*I could transfer uni's hope for the best re my mental health and also transfer credits
*I could try and go on an exchange
*I could take a gap year and travel
If you'd like to weigh in on those options please feel free, so far I'm actually thinking of taking my midyear holidays next year and doing a Canadian cross country road trip with a friend and then perhaps staying on for an exchange. I run out of time for a working visa officially the end on next year so that's hanging over my head. But most importantly no matter what I'm doing or where I am nothing seems to change about my single status. Aren't people with accents meant to at least a few points hotter by default? Anyway I think it's pretty clear to me at this point I have no idea what I'm doing, only that I'm doing it wrong.....oh and that I have no clue how to fix it.
Then just to ice the cake of hopelessness I'm feeling right now I took my eye off a sports team I follow on and off and bam! One of my favourite players has gotten married and had a baby. Literally had the baby yesterday. Thanks universe for making me feel like an even bigger loser. 
Basically how I see it is there's what I do and then there's what everyone else does and there isn't much interception between the two. I feel like a lesser, stupider species. It sucks.
It's kind of strange when everyone else is dreaming of being rich or a rockstar or an actor and here I am dreaming of being normal. *sigh*
I'm off to indulge in some online retail therapy. Maybe later I'll torture myself by watching say yes to the dress.
Until next time,
your socially awkward well meaning neighbourhood virgin


  1. Congrats on finishing your first semester! Sorry to hear about the lack of promising dudes. I think it would be great for you to have a designated friend whose job is to keep pushing you to try different ways of getting dates. Maybe someone who is single so that you can do the same for them and you can spur each other on. Trying anything is better than trying nothing (as long as it's not dangerous.) Example: I was talking to some female colleagues who haven't been finding dates, so I've offered to look out for guys when I'm on the London subway ("the Tube") and ask guys if they want to be set up on a date with one of the women I know. A lot of the guys might say no, but that won't do me or them any harm, and some might say yes. Worth a try, right? I know you're not in a massive city like me. I still reckon online dating is worth a shot. Go on one date. It may well be not great. That's OK - it's still useful experience. Go on another date. It might be better. If you need a wingperson for the first meetup, try to find one. I would happily volunteer if I lived near you rather than thousands of miles away. Really, get a wingperson. You can make the first date a double date. You don't have to explain your entire situation to guys that you meet. If a guy likes the way you look, and you laugh at his jokes, he'll probably like you and he won't care whether you're a virgin or whatever.

    1. Hey Matt,
      Thanks! I'm glad it's over :) Once again I agree with you. My current town has a population of 3000 and zero dating prospects, in theory I could drive an hour to my nearest centre but usually I'd rather just stay home-it's a long difficult, and occasionally dangerous, drive. I have been weighing up if maybe next year I might move across there, mainly to avoid the drive to uni, but it would also place me nearer to facilities (i.e. yoga classes, gyms etc) and maybe there'd be the chance to attend some meetup groups. It's a hard decision to make as I have to be mindful of my anxiety level, I don't want to tip myself over the edge and end up back at square one-at home isolated, no friends at all and not going to school either. And then there's the fact I think I'd be better sharing with a friend.......but that comes with it's own issues, like what if they bring random people home? What if they stay up all night? What if they don't want to? What if, what if-classic anxiety. The truth is I'm considering my options carefully and it's super frustrating not being able to rely on myself enough to just up sticks and move interstate, set up a dating profile, go out etc I realise I need to do something, I'm just not sure what track to take yet and if I'm being honest dating scares me more than the idea of cage diving with great whites. But the first step to solving a problem is recognising there is one right? I've worked hard these past 2 years and I've come forward a lot, so I guess I just need to keep working on it-I just wish I'd started 5 years ago so that now I didn't feel like I have a timer over my head. Thanks for the wing person offer, if I'm ever in London I'll take you up on it :) And I'm hoping, and logically I realise it's probably likely, that if someone likes you then they won't care too much about I just need to get someone to like me :P

    2. Yes, it does sound like you have come a long way in these past 2 years, and I can understand that you don't want to push too hard if there's a risk of going backwards. And yes, if someone likes you then I really don't think they'll care much about inexperience. Guys in particular do not necessarily see that as a bad thing. I hope that some opportunities come up soon. Let me know if there's anything that I can do to help from way over here!