Wednesday, 29 June 2016

They went there

So last night I decided to do some late night google searching.....this always turns out one of two ways: 1 reassuring, yes there are others out there like me and we're a decent bunch! or 2 depressing, people saying horrible things, talking about red flags, oddness and ugliness. But last night, oh last night, I found a thread on a random forum that takes the all-time depressing cake.......I've often thought how having no romantic experience in society seems to be extremely disturbing to a hell of a lot of people, they seem to find things like addiction or petty crime both more relatable and understandable, which on the one hand I kind of understand-lets face it most people start having romantic contact from around 14 and roll along from there, it's everywhere, TV adds, movies, books, hell even travel is all aimed at 'twin share' so it makes sense most people find it hard to relate too, they just have no idea how it could possibly be so. But its not fair. I've never had a miscarriage or a bad break up but I can still empathise with people who have, why does 'no romantic experience' immediately translate into 'what is wrong with you?' why can't people just think and realise that, sure, there's obviously an issue but it doesn't make someone a bad person! 
Anyway back to this forum, someone made a post about someone they knew being 30 with zero male contact and there was a lot of discussion about how it was weird, how probably this person was a bit odd, maybe religious or just a bit weird in the head. Then it moved on to someone saying pretty girls get 'hollered at' at young and usually don't say untouched for long and how there was obviously no 'hollering' going on here-this seemed a bit weird to me, just the way it was described, almost like girls were things and they found their value early or not at all. But anyway the comment that took the cake came shortly after.......'if women like that didn't have families and/or religion they'd probably be serial killers', um what? Seriously, what the actual f*ck?! What a disgusting thing to say, there are bad apples in every section, age and race of society. I actually suspect that most women and men who have issues with romantic contact do so due to being very sensitive. Socially anxious people are often very sensitive and emphatic-it's what makes us terrified of other people, because wow people can be in point: I've just had my feelings hurt by some randos comment on the internet. That comment upset me, I float around hoping that if people knew about my lack of any kind of romantic experience they wouldn't think less of me-they may think that there's an issue (I'm more than willing to admit that) and maybe even that I'm hard to get to know (also willing to admit I'm not the friendliest person right off of the bat) but not that I'm a bad or lesser person. I'd hope they'd think that, you know, my soul isn't black, my emotions aren't dead and I'm not planning murdering them in a dark alley. But maybe I'm wrong about that, maybe who I am makes me seem inherently, not just odd, but bad. 
I just want people to understand it was a series of events (some that were out of my control and some that weren't) that landed me here:
  • Severe bullying
  • Social anxiety that developed due to bullying
  • Isolation, I just simply wasn't around people
  • Bad first impression, a friend has told me I come across very cold and severe (I don't mean to)
  • Being sacred to meet new people due to ^
Rest assured at no point have any of my reasons for being romantically hapless had anything to do with a desire to become a serial killer. Or any kind of killer really.
I don't even really know where I'm going with this, except to maybe point out that people like me who have no romantic experience already feel 'other', already feel like we're missing out on a lot of great things, we don't need people judging us so harshly on something that has no bearing on whether we're good people or not and that, most of us, would desperately like to change.
The lesson here might be mine,


  1. Sorry to hear that you found such a nasty comment. One unpleasant thing about the internet is that if you search around a bit you're highly likely to come across something written by a really nasty person. I think that nasty people make up less than 10% of the world, but they make a lot of noise on the internet.

    This isn't a black-and-white issue. It's not like "either everyone thinks you're fine or everyone thinks you're weird". There will be some of each. You said it yourself, right? Sometimes you find positive comments and sometimes negative ones. Some people will like you for who you are, and some people won't. You can choose to spend time with the ones who like you (and who you like), and not spend time with the others. You don't need everyone to like you in order to be dateable.

    My advice is still: wingperson wingperson wingperson! Find someone who will boost your confidence and nudge you towards trying some form of dating. Someone supportive with no agenda of their own. Probably not your sister. Wingperson wingperson wingperson!

    1. People can be such assholes on the internet, luckily there are nice people (such as yourself) out there too.

      True, but I think most people who haven't had difficultly in this part of their life all do find it a bit odd/can't understand it very well. It doesn't make them bad people, some decide its not a huge deal and other decide its a big one-mostly people just seem confused and uncomfortable, which makes them want to distance themselves from the thing making them feel that way.

      I just need to find said wingperson, none if my current acquaintances fit the bill and I'd rather die than talk to my sister about it (good call :P). I'll keep looking though. I'm hoping to join some groups in the coming six months so maybe I'll find some suitable people then. I hope so!