It's that time of year when University's are having their intakes. I'm seeing the adds everywhere. I've even gone as far as to fill out an application but not send it. Why? Because a) I haven't got a clue what I'm doing and b) I'm not sure I'm up for the stress it's going to cause me.
Let's look at a) in more detail: I haven't got a stellar educational history, mostly I remember it being miserable (up till age 13 when I left conventional school for homeschooling) and then being a mix of boring and conflict inducing (up till age 16 when I quit, and if I'm being honest I learnt diddly squat at home anyhow) and then the overwhelming relief of being free of it, who needs school anyway? I really regret that now. Really, really badly. I know of course it can be made up but it makes the whole process twice as hard and twice as daunting too. It's not just a matter of getting a copy of my high school transcripts and applying, I have to find bridging courses-and most of them are designed for people with a year 10 or 11 knowledge base, not a year 8 knowledge base-I think I had like one official science lesson for example, so I have some serious shortfalls there. I don't even know how to get where I need to be, there are no clear cut steps to follow when you've not even got year 10, even the uni admissions staff are unsure about pathways. I really don't know if I should just try and do my year 12 high school certificate (which takes 1 year and for adults has seriously limited subject options), take the bridging course and cross my fingers I can keep up (there is nothing I hate more then feeling adrift in class of others who seem to know what they're doing) or if I should head to a tutor and catch up on my science and math and then go into the bridging course. All I know is making the wrong decision delays me. Not doing anything delays me even more.
And then there's b). The mere mention of 'school' breaks me out in a cold sweat, I stress about everything. My mother frets over my perfectionism in something as simple as making a cake so you can imagine how I get when faced with an exam. Then there's the simple fact that my anxiety makes me stupid. It's hard to concentrate on anything when you're sweating buckets and wishing you were anywhere else. I have no control over this which makes me even more anxious the next time in anticipation and so on and so forth-a vicious circle if ever there was one. Then there'e the general 'where-will-I-sit-at-lunch-who-will-sit-next-to-me-in-class-will-anyone-do-this-team-assignment-with-me' teenage anxiety which never goes away. And then there's the new shiny OMG-will-I-be-the-oldest-person-here anxiety! Then there's my mothers expectations, the 'your smart you'll be fine' attitude further exacerbated by the fact that as a child I had my IQ tested and it was well above average (I wonder now what kind of drugs the tester was on. I don't feel smart) and that my father was really, really smart. Like scary smart. He topped the state in biology and got a full scholarship to the best medical school in the country (incidentally he hated it and quit after 2 years, he couldn't stand dissecting bodies), so people assume I'm like my father. I am. Sort off, but I'm not as smart as that. I'm very good at practical things (Need help changing your cars battery? No problem!) not so much academic stuff. A lot of the reason for that is that my mind bounces around constantly making it hard to absorb anything much (I also have a nasty habit of 'spacing out' or daydreaming)-around the time my IQ was tested I was also diagnosed with ADHD, my mum decided not to put me on medication and I understand her decision but I do wonder what might've been different if she had-I don't know if it's followed me to adulthood and, if it has, what to do about it.
Then there's other considerations: Given my age am I wasting valuable time that I should be using to try and improve myself socially and find a partner? I bet this likely isn't even a thought for most people or very far down the list if it is. Is it worth missing out on my opportunity to travel on a working visa (up to age 30) for 2 years? What if I don't even get to go on exchange?
Added to all that is the fact I don't even know what I want to do at university. Physiotherapist? Dietician? Geologist? Archaeologist? Anthropologist? Eh I don't know.......maybe I'll go back to bed.....;)
PS I discovered today that there is great controversy surrounding going braless (incidentally I stumbled upon this after googling what bras to wear with backless dresses, in case I ever get one), I never realised going braless was so polarising! Nipples are apparently a weapon of mass destruction. And if men think they're excluded they'd be wrong. No nipples should be had. I find this both hilarious (erm...hello we all have them! They really aren't that exciting.) and also irritating-why do these people get to decide if nipples or free breasts (under clothes! But wait what about breast feeding mothers? Without clothes too!) are allowed? I mean some places it's obviously inappropriate, like at a funeral, but just generally? Who cares. I won't faint if I see some guys nipples through his shirt or I see a women feeding her baby. I think if I do ever get that backless dress I'll wear it braless-why not?