I'm beginning to wonder if my life is destined this way what's the point? Maybe if my life is going to be unhappy for me I should try and do good for others? Maybe volunteer in Africa or India? Become a nun? If I'm being honest, if my mother wasn't here I don't know if I would be either-I couldn't bear hurting her. But then I also think how selfish that would be, my sister died in an accident, she had no choice. How selfish is it of me to wish I'd never been born? If I could swap with her I would. At least she had a life worth living. She was 27, I'll be 27 in march, I've been thinking of her and my dad a lot lately. I don't want anyone to think I'm going to do anything rash, I'm not. I'm just feeling lost, without direction-I don't know who I am or what I want or where I'm going. I find it hard to imagine anyone could ever care about me.
I have my doctors appointment tomorrow, which always makes me horribly nervous, I have the added nerves of wanting to bring up my social anxiety (or I'm actually beginning to think avoidant personality disorder) and try and get a referral to someone-I'm really worried and have no idea how to bring it up.
Anyhow things are a bit tough right now.
I bought a dress to wear on my birthday and then wondered why I did, I wonder if I'll even get to go to dinner for my birthday and I wonder if the dress could be re-worn as a date night dress one day or if it'll languish in my closet, here it is anyhow:
In other news my friend T had her baby, a little girl called I. I wish her the best.