It's been hard to get to writing this post, and I'm sure it will come out a bit disjointed but it is what it is.
Lately I've been feeling that life is all in shades of grey. I'm not enjoying or looking forward to anything. I feel like my hope has deserted me for greener pastures somewhere, that the future is bleak and I'm not really sure what to do about anything. I feel unmotivated and unhappy all the time, like I'll never master anything or do anything worthwhile so why bother at all? I'm pretty sure this could be classed as depression, I've never really understood it before but now I do-for me it feels like that spark that makes life worth living is gone, that little glimmer of hope that no matter how bad things are there's an end is gone, the excitement of looking forward to a little thing like a favourite meal. My friend invited me to a sporting event and I don't want to go, I said yes anyway, I don't even know why I don't want to go? Am I depressed about thinking I'll never have a social life? Or am I depressed that I don't want one? How do I tell the difference? Would I enjoy hanging out with like minded people, or do I just think I would? Do I really want to go to a music concert if I could find someone to go with or is that just an excuse never to go because there might never be someone to go with? At the moment I don't want to see anyone, but I keep daydreaming about having a close circle of friends, maybe even a boyfriend, so is it just my depression talking or do I really not want to see anyone? I don't know. I daydream about finding it easy to talk to new people, make friends, be the kind of person who enjoys and finds all those things easy. It's hard to accept I'll never be that person. Is it even worth worrying about my hair and clothes if no one else cares about them? Is it worth trying to master a new skill when I feel sure to fail? Is it worth fighting for the small things when I can't see myself ever beating the bigger most important ones (like gaining my independence)? I feel stretched tight all the time like I don't belong, I just want to get away be somewhere (someone?) else. Do I matter if no one else cares? I don't know. Hopefully this bout won't last too long :(
PS At the moment I'm trying to focus on learning to braid, I'm not feeling very motivated, but at least I'm trying. Heres some braid inspiration for you all: