Sunday 6 October 2013

Figuring it out, or even smart people do stupid things

It's that time of year when University's are having their intakes. I'm seeing the adds everywhere. I've even gone as far as to fill out an application but not send it. Why? Because a) I haven't got a clue what I'm doing and b) I'm not sure I'm up for the stress it's going to cause me.

 Let's look at a) in more detail: I haven't got a stellar educational history, mostly I remember it being miserable (up till age 13 when I left conventional school for homeschooling) and then being a mix of boring and conflict inducing (up till age 16 when I quit, and if I'm being honest I learnt diddly squat at home anyhow) and then the overwhelming relief of being free of it, who needs school anyway? I really regret that now. Really, really badly. I know of course it can be made up but it makes the whole process twice as hard and twice as daunting too. It's not just a matter of getting a copy of my high school transcripts and applying, I have to find bridging courses-and most of them are designed for people with a year 10 or 11 knowledge base, not a year 8 knowledge base-I think I had like one official science lesson for example, so I have some serious shortfalls there. I don't even know how to get where I need to be, there are no clear cut steps to follow when you've not even got year 10, even the uni admissions staff are unsure about pathways. I really don't know if I should just try and do my year 12 high school certificate (which takes 1 year and for adults has seriously limited subject options), take the bridging course and cross my fingers I can keep up (there is nothing I hate more then feeling adrift in class of others who seem to know what they're doing) or if I should head to a tutor and catch up on my science and math and then go into the bridging course. All I know is making the wrong decision delays me. Not doing anything delays me even more.

And then there's b). The mere mention of 'school' breaks me out in a cold sweat, I stress about everything. My mother frets over my perfectionism in something as simple as making a cake so you can imagine how I get when faced with an exam. Then there's the simple fact that my anxiety makes me stupid. It's hard to concentrate on anything when you're sweating buckets and wishing you were anywhere else. I have no control over this which makes me even more anxious the next time in anticipation and so on and so forth-a vicious circle if ever there was one. Then there'e the general 'where-will-I-sit-at-lunch-who-will-sit-next-to-me-in-class-will-anyone-do-this-team-assignment-with-me' teenage anxiety which never goes away. And then there's the new shiny OMG-will-I-be-the-oldest-person-here anxiety! Then there's my mothers expectations, the 'your smart you'll be fine' attitude further exacerbated by the fact that as a child I had my IQ tested and it was well above average (I wonder now what kind of drugs the tester was on. I don't feel smart) and that my father was really, really smart. Like scary smart. He topped the state in biology and got a full scholarship to the best medical school in the country (incidentally he hated it and quit after 2 years, he couldn't stand dissecting bodies), so people assume I'm like my father. I am. Sort off, but I'm not as smart as that. I'm very good at practical things (Need help changing your cars battery? No problem!) not so much academic stuff. A lot of the reason for that is that my mind bounces around constantly making it hard to absorb anything much (I also have a nasty habit of 'spacing out' or daydreaming)-around the time my IQ was tested I was also diagnosed with ADHD, my mum decided not to put me on medication and I understand her decision but I do wonder what might've been different if she had-I don't know if it's followed me to adulthood and, if it has, what to do about it.

Then there's other considerations: Given my age am I wasting valuable time that I should be using to try and improve myself socially and find a partner? I bet this likely isn't even a thought for most people or very far down the list if it is. Is it worth missing out on my opportunity to travel on a working visa (up to age 30) for 2 years? What if I don't even get to go on exchange?
Added to all that is the fact I don't even know what I want to do at university. Physiotherapist? Dietician? Geologist? Archaeologist? Anthropologist? Eh I don't know.......maybe I'll go back to bed.....;)
Vanessa
PS I discovered today that there is great controversy surrounding going braless (incidentally I stumbled upon this after googling what bras to wear with backless dresses, in case I ever get one), I never realised going braless was so polarising! Nipples are apparently a weapon of mass destruction. And if men think they're excluded they'd be wrong. No nipples should be had. I find this both hilarious (erm...hello we all have them! They really aren't that exciting.) and also irritating-why do these people get to decide if nipples or free breasts (under clothes! But wait what about breast feeding mothers? Without clothes too!) are allowed? I mean some places it's obviously inappropriate, like at a funeral, but just generally? Who cares. I won't faint if I see some guys nipples through his shirt or I see a women feeding her baby. I think if I do ever get that backless dress I'll wear it braless-why not?

6 comments:

  1. It's tough trying to work out whether or not to go down a particular path which involves several years of work. I think that being highly motivated is important if you're going to get all the way through it. One of my old teachers used to say "Success equals brains plus work" - meaning you needed some of each. I used to get high IQ scores too but I didn't really feel motivated by my uni course (more Math!) and barely made it through (I got high grades but nearly dropped out several times.)

    On the other hand, going to university was a useful social experience, which was the main reason why I wanted to do it in the first place. If you'd be going partly for that reason then that might help to motivate you, and it might mean that it's a worthwhile experience even if you didn't end up sticking with it all the way to the end (I think a lot of smart people in history have quit uni, plus your dad and also some of my family.) So your comment about "improving yourself socially and finding a partner" might actually be a part of the university experience too!

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    1. Yeah it really is. But I have to consider what I want in the future too, the skills I have now are very specific and I really wouldn't want to work for someone else using them, for family long hours and low pay are okay, but for the future? I'd like something better. Am I motivated? I don't know. Maybe? I need to think about that......
      If I was 18 or 19 or even 20 I'd go for the social side in a heartbeat, but at 26 (and more likely 27 or even 28) it's a different beast entirely. I even wonder if an exchange might be a flop due to my age.......I'd likely stick out a bit in dorms I think. I look younger then I am at the moment but I can't expect that to last forever. And I'd be commuting from home as well which can put a bit of a damper on things, or so I've heard. I also worry that I have expectations on what these things might be like and then I end up disappointed and disillusioned, I'm not quiet sure how to approach things in a way where I'm more likely to be pleasantly surprised.
      Food for thought,
      Vanessa

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    2. Well, it sounds like it's worth trying something anyway - it sounds like it'll be hard to know for sure which option will work best so maybe it's best just to try one. Maybe you could start a bridging course and see how it feels to be studying again and use that to figure out whether you'd want to do more? If you start the bridging course and find it a struggle then maybe you could get tutoring at that point, at the same time? I don't know how much available time you have per week. Then maybe you could tell yourself: "I must either go to uni or go travelling after this. No other options - must pick one or the other."

      Something else I was going to mention: my brother is one of the smartest people I know, but he didn't finish high school because he got tired of "jumping through hoops" with all the exams and everything. He ended up moving to the USA and has lived there for most of the last 11 years, and that seems to have worked out really well for him. He enjoys working with his hands so he hasn't needed qualifications - just experience.

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    3. I'm really thinking about it. There always seems to be some pesky deadline sneaking up somehow-you think you have ages to apply and then boom it needs to be done by tomorrow LOL At the moment I have all the spare time LOL I've just been regrouping and tying up loose ends since I closed my business last year-it's been just over 12 months now! Time flies!

      I think sometimes smart people get distracted by other things they'd rather be doing too, I know I do! I'd love to do something like that! But I believe getting a visa is pretty hard now. Your brother sounds awesome ;)
      And there is another option: training as a electrician or carpenter-I just worry that as a female I may be a target in those industries :( And I'd rather not repeat emotional trauma.
      Vanessa

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  2. Very tough decisions ahead. Maybe while you're still trying to sort through what it is that you want to pursue it might be worth it to get your high school certificate. If you ever plan on working in the States, it is required by practically all employers. And it will help you get caught up in math, which is by far my worst subject as well.

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    1. Arg math *shudders* I never thought I'd utter the words: but damn I wish I'd finished school. Did the sky fall when I uttered those words?
      Vanessa

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