Tuesday 15 October 2013

Is acceptance bad or good? I can't decide.

In theory acceptance is good, right? As in, maybe I won't meet someone or get married or have kids-and thats okay, I'll be okay! But, for me, is that really acceptance or is that just trying to tell myself that to make myself feel better? And is accepting that world view akin to giving up or not? Am I as likely to try as hard if I think that way? Obviously if I truly felt that way and I never do have a relationship/get married/have children it may be easier to accept that reality then if I keep trying and still get nowhere. But then will I feel I didn't try as hard as I should have? I think if you truly feel that way soul deep then you are more likely to find someone (that kind of soul deep acceptance shows I think), but conversely I also think if it never does they'd be happier in their lives. Sometimes I truly wish I had no desire for any kind of relationship, then I'd never feel like I was missing out. Here is a blog post where I read about another persons opinion on being alone: http://tryingtofigurelife.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/being-single-and-why-thats-okay/
It's very well written and it really got me thinking about my feelings on the matter. At the moment I can honestly say I'm not okay with it, but I also wonder if having that first relationship may be more than enough to make me not want anymore........maybe I'm just missing something I've been told I should want but that, once I know what it's like, I don't really want? Or maybe it'll be worse after because I'll know what I'm missing out on. It's confusing.
Yesterday we (my mum, me and my sister) went shopping in our nearest big city, and I saw all the usual couples holding hands and cuddling and I felt the intense longing as always for that, the 'I wonder what that's like? Must be nice' type feelings (I have those same feelings about valentines day and specially thought out gifts, it must be nice for someone to think of you and buy you something just because they think you'd like it), I sometimes get a teeny bit jealous but mostly it's just longing to experience that someday. But, as always, after being amongst all those people I felt small and unimportant-like I'm somehow worth less then they are, it's a feeling I really hate but can't help but feel, that somehow with all my problems I'm a lesser person. Sometimes I feel that way about other parts of my life too, like does it really matter if I achieve something if it's just for me? Who really cares? Is my opinion worth less due to my lack of experiences? Maybe. It's sucky feeling like that all the time.
On a completely different note I'm having a bit of a love hate thing going on with Lana Del Rey at the moment-I love some of her music and feel blah at best about the rest, I love some of her style choices (see below) and I look at others and cringe. I usually either love an artist or I don't so this is new territory for me :) I'm kind of enjoying it.
Vanessa

Classic style


9 comments:

  1. I understand the feeling (as usual :p). I have sort of accepted that I might never be in a relationship, get married, etc, but sometimes I wonder if that's a sign that I have given up. Despite the fact that I tell myself I have accepted it, when I see those wedding/baby photos on facebook and stuff, I suddenly feel a tiny empty feeling. Doesn't help that I am pressured by people around me to settle down with someone. Makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. But oh well, what can you do right?

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    1. LOL I'm glad someone understands what I'm on about :) Exactly, I think the idea is to live in the here and now, accept that we are worthy as people without a boyfriend but not give up looking. I hate it when people push, it sucks :(
      Vanessa

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  2. I think it's a pity that society seems to put so much pressure on people to "fit in" and to live within certain narrow bands of thought. I would like it if everyone felt free to live how they want to live as long as they're not hurting other people. If someone chooses to be single it's not hurting anyone. I think some "normal" people just aren't as secure in their own choices as they'd like to be, so they feel threatened by somebody daring to be different (I have various direct experience of this.)

    So I think it's great to accept yourself for who you are, and to tell yourself that you're an awesome person regardless of whether you have had a relationship or not. But on the other hand, it does sound like you've wanted to try a relationship for a long time, so I don't think you're likely to talk yourself out of wanting it. The other blogger in your link sounded like they'd be fine being single if society didn't pressure them, but for you I think you would want to try a relationship even without the pressure. So tell yourself that you're awesome and that it's fine to be how you are, but then go and try some dating anyway! ;)

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    1. Well said, I often wonder how people who are genuinely uninterested in the slightest by sex and relationships feel as members of society, it must be hard. Even people who don't want children sometimes get treated badly and I think thats a pretty reasonable decision-and also no one else's business.
      You're right, I'm working on accepting myself-not an easy task. And I have been curious about relationships for a very long time so not likely to just wake up one day and be fine with never having had one. But I do wish I could feel just as validated without one as I would with one, that part is hard. Along with the what-is-wrong-with-me-? feeling you get after a certain point.
      Vanessa

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    2. Yes, I agree that it's nobody else's business and that it must be hard to feel like most of society is obsessed with these things.

      I had something like the what-is-wrong-with-me feeling in my early 20s, but looking back it's clear now what was happening: I wasn't trying very hard to create situations to meet or date women, and I didn't do a good job of handling the few opportunities that arose out of the blue (I probably didn't even notice some of them!) I needed to try harder, and once I did that things started to shift.

      Similarly, there is nothing at all wrong with you - you're awesome - you mostly just need more situations where you meet potential guys! You said that you've been living and working in a small community and not meeting many guys your own age, and you've got social anxiety. Most other people placed in that situation would struggle as well, so there's nothing wrong with you - we just need to adjust the situation somehow! ;)

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    3. Exactly.

      That's an awful feeling to have isn't it? And if I really think on it I can admit that I've likely only met about 3 'eligible' men in the last 10 years.......and I too suck at noticing opportunities as well (my mother will quiet often say 'people have been looking at you in that dress!' And I'll be like, really? LOL I sometimes walk past people I know without noticing them).

      Thanks :)
      I'm just about to post another what-the-hell segment on the blog. One day there'll be less of them I hope.
      Vanessa

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  3. As you know, I go back and forth with this myself. Very exhausting. I wish the desire to want a romantic relationship was a feeling that could be controlled by a switch. It would be turned off and I'd go on my merry way. There is a difference between resignation and acceptance though, and I've been flirting with the former.

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    1. I wish I had that switch too. Watching girls have that first crush and really enjoying first romances makes me sad that I've never felt that way and might never get to feel that way either :( Don't let yourself settle for being resigned-if you truly don't or can't accept it work towards it, even if your pace is glacial. That's what I'm trying to do anyhow :)
      Vanessa

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  4. Acceptance is great! I firmly believe there are subtle biological cues in our faces and bodies that we are not conscious of. According to those cues, we either have a sexual appearance or we do not. I was an admin. for incelsupport when I got ousted and framed for daring to suggest such a thing...but really, that whole site left my self esteem in the toilet. You don't need to 'change'. You can't change. You were born this way and that is great.

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