Saturday 12 October 2013

Life experiences, expectations and age limits

This is sort of a rehash of things I've said before but in more detail. It's all a bit scrambled in my brain so I'm not sure how it'll come out on paper....
I think we all have expectations of when certain things will happen in our lives. Consciously (people with 10 years plans) and subconsciously (people who just thought 'it'll happen'), I guess I'm in the later category. When I was 16 I assumed by 19 I would've met someone. When 19 came and went I just assumed I'd meet someone by the time I was 23. When I turned 24 I went, huh maybe that won't happen on it's own.........then I thought nah they always say it happens when you least expect it. Besides I was young and I didn't have to worry yet. 25 was really a defining year, it was the most miserable birthday I could remember, suddenly I was on the clock-sure I was still young but I wasn't in the early twenties brigade anymore and I was out of the 'young and stupid' is acceptable stage. I freaked out. I've never done stupid things but I suddenly felt resentful that (even though I didn't want to) my chance to party all night, experiment and do things on a whim had disappeared. And on top of that was all information I could gather pointed to the unavoidable fact that: under 25 never had a relationship=sort of cute over 25 never had a relationship=red flag,abort!
I wanted to try and at least get my first kiss before 26 (only a decade or so late....) but as you can all guess that didn't work out. 25 was a really shitty year, I had my first up all night shivering shaking what-if-it-never-happens-for-me freak outs, I cried a bit about being so abnormal, questioned the universe: why me?, I lost weight because I wasn't interested in food and I desperately searched for likeminded souls and stories about people like me on the net. This was in some ways reassuring (I'm not the only one! And this person was x age before it happened for them) and in some ways not (everyone seems to think it's really weird. This person is x years old and it never happened for them). I've moved on now from the freak out stage, I've realised theres no point moping over what hasn't happened yet, there's no point my sitting here worrying myself silly over it-I might as well at least try and do something worthwhile in another part of life whilst I'm working on this part. Of course romantic expectations are only part of it. As a female I have to consider my age in relation to having a family, at the moment I'm not 100% set in cement sure wether I do or don't want kids (lets just say my niece is being pretty effective birth control these past few weeks...) but if I get to 35 without a partner I'll have to make the decision wether to go ahead and have a family on my own-this is not only expensive but hard as I'd have no partner nor extended family for support, apart from my mother who will be of an age where it would be unreasonable to expect her to do much. I'm sure it would be great and all but it's not what I imagined, for me or any children, I was very close with my dad and I just can't imagine not having had him in my life. I don't want to have to make that decision. Unlike my sister who scorns marriage I want to walk down the aisle one day, I want to pick out a dress and one day I'd like to pick the colours out for a nursery too. And then there are the other smaller expectations I had about what I'd have experienced by now, like road trips, solo travel, going to university and having met more adult friends. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I've not been influenced wrongly by movies and books-not everyones life is a constant movement of fun and friends. How many friends do most people really have? From some of the hobbiest forums I'm on it would seem most people are lucky to have 1 or 2 friends. And as adults we're often not that close to our friends either, we may talk once or twice a month but we're not in constant contact. Of course there are people who do have a big social circle and are in constant communication, they seem like the happiest people but not all of us are able to do that. And then there's the fact that not having a gaggle of friends seems to be another red flag amongst the dating crowd. As I get older I also notice how young everyone else is, I feel like I'm the oldest person doing any given thing, there's always some up and coming person who is super talented and together and is 20, life and praise seems to be for the under 25's once you turn 25 you're meant to no longer need praise nor reassurance apparently. But maybe I just feel that way because I missed out on all those experiences I think I should have had. I've also noticed, as is invertible I guess, that people my age are starting to get serious about relationships (I had the exact stats somewhere but I can't find them...) they start getting engaged and married, or they're living together, or they have a kid together. When you're 19-25 relationships are evolving all the time, hookups, breakups, makeups most people aren't seriously attached and it's arguably the best time to meet someone. By 26 it would seem like about 60% of people are in serious relationships, I'd only imagine it grows more and more the older you get. And then there are divorcees and stepchildren which add another complexity to an already complex situation, then chuck in someone with 0 relationship experience and the whole thing just seems impossible. There's also the fact that men in the 30-40 age range tend to date down (20-28) leaving even less interested men in the 30-40 age group for women.

I've found a couple of over 26 first experiences:
http://www.salon.com/2012/08/17/27_and_never_been_kissed/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/first-kiss-awkward-help-me-147453/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2174873/Jennifer-Nichols-I-saved-kiss-man-I-going-marry-Olympic-archer-virgin.html
http://captainawkward.com/2011/05/17/reader-question-50-im-a-27-year-old-virgin-and-im-mostly-okay-with-that-but-sometimes-i-feel-like-a-loser/

On the bright side apparently I'm a unicorn. I like unicorns. And I can still pat one. So there.
And just to brighten this post up here's a really pretty dress that I want:

long multiway dress


Vanessa
PS Don't you hate that those % of single people stats include people who are in relationships but not married? I don't consider them single.......

15 comments:

  1. Wow. I could have written that EXACT post word for word, except I'm 38, currently on two weeks holidays and have nowhere to go and nobody to go with. I truly can't face travelling anywhere alone either (been there done that in the past), I spend the VAST majority of my time alone and I really don't want to holiday alone too. I want someone to share that with. Except there's nobody.

    Don't end up like me: 38, never had a relationship, no kids, mundane office job, friends all moving on, nobody to go on holiday with. This is NOT the future I envisioned for myself at 18. Yet here I am. If you have to move town, or even country, do it. Don't end up a sad spinster like me, because that's how I feel.

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    1. I'm trying my best for sure :) But at 38 you still have a chance to have a family solo (or with a partner who's up for it) if you want, I understand why that may not be an option but still. And you aren't alone at all, I'm happy to add you to my rag tag bunch of friends if you want?
      Vanessa

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    2. Nice idea Vanessa - both of you are welcome to join my rag tag bunch of friends too!

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    3. I made up my mind a few years ago that if I never met a partner, then I would not have children. I would never voluntarily choose to be a single mother, I feel I would want the help and support of a partner. I guess I would like a FAMILY, not just kids.

      It's just so hard to remain hopeful and upbeat when your whole life to date has passed by in solitude. I know people at work think I'm weird, or a lesbian (I'm not) because I never, ever, once have ever mentioned a boyfriend, or an ex-boyfriend, or anywhere I ever went on a date/holiday, anything an ex ever said/ did /bought for me - basically my workmates probably get the impression that there has never once been a man in my life. That's pretty close to the truth. Bar the occasional one night stand (I was a virgin until my late 20's) there has been nobody. I have no idea what it's like to share my life, my time, my personal space with anybody. I have no idea what I'm like as a partner either. There's a whole side to me I don't know, the side that requires a partner to bring it out. I even avoided my 20 year school reunion last year because I didn't want to answer the usual questions about 'married, kids, partner, career', etc.

      I guess not having a huge circle of friends doesn't help either. I really only have one friend, and she's married with kids and lives a 45 min drive away. It really is hard trying to make friends as an adult!

      At this stage, I really feel like 'what would I bring to a relationship anyway?' I'm clearly depressed with self-esteem issues, I comfort eat therefore I'm about 40lbs overweight, I don't have a group of friends of my own and I really don't have any passions or hobbies. (I've tried hard in this respect, you just can't force an interest in something if it's not really there!) I'm also painfully self-aware, and I KNOW how fix the above problems, but I'm too effing sad and disheartened to go out there and get fit, join some groups, be proactive about meeting new people and stop getting takeaways :)

      Anyway, that's my rant. Seriously Vanessa, don't end up like me. Read my post again and promise me that you won't be writing the same post, at 38, on someone else's blog.

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    4. I understand, thats part of the struggle of making the decision to have a child on your own, but I suppose theres still a chance a 'conventional' family can fall apart too. I also understand how you feel about being hopeful and upbeat-it feels like once your in the pattern you can't get out. But people overcome all kinds of things and I'm going to keep trying. It is hard making friends as an adult. I also understand about trying to 'force' enthusiasm when it's just not there.
      Rest assured I'm going to give it a red hot go :)
      @ Matt of course ;)
      Vanessa

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  2. I'm glad to see that you've got a link to a Captain Awkward blog post. That site is full of awesome advice! That particular post has some great advice too in my opinion.

    It will never be "too late". However old you are, there will always be opportunities to change things. And 26 is even more definitely not too late! You saw what Eleanor Rigby has done at 30/31, right? So in theory you could let the next 4/5 years slip by and then still copy her!

    But of course I imagine you're not fond of the feeling of letting years slip by at this point. I know how that feels - I spent my early 20s that way. You and I are talented at letting time roll by without getting changes made. I needed to make a deliberate plan to work hard at pushing for change. I think you'll need that too.

    My suggestion is that you commit to one of the following 3 plans:

    1) I, Vanessa, am going to sign up to an online dating site, here and now, this week.

    2) I, Vanessa, am vetoing plan 1 because I can't/won't date in current circumstances, which is due to A/B/C. Therefore I am pledging to address A/B/C this week, with the goal of being able to enact plan 1 within 3 months.

    3) I, Vanessa, am vetoing plan 2 (and 1) because I'm not in a position to push myself on A/B/C, due to X/Y/Z. Therefore I will seek to address X/Y/Z, with the goal of being in a better position to address A/B/C after that.

    Hopefully the way I've written it makes sense? My point is not to let time just completely slide - either be in a plan to make things happen, or be in a plan to get to a point where you can start a plan to make things happen. I did not do this in my late teens and early 20s, and nothing happened. I started doing this in my mid-20s and things did happen.

    To the 38-year-old anonymous commenter: I'd be happy to hear more about your situation too if you'd also like some advice from some random dude on the internet - it comes for free! I'm 34 and I'm never sure whether there's an unwritten rule about not offering unsolicited advice to people who have had more years of life than I have, in case it seems a bit cheeky, but I'm up for breaking the rule if you are.

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    1. Hey Matt,
      I'll reply to you in more detail tomorrow but it's late here and I'm going to drag myself off to bed :)
      Vanessa

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    2. Cool - I'll check back tomorrow! I didn't realise quite how long my comment was until it was fully displayed on the page! And I feel like I still left out some other ideas too, but maybe it's best not to bombard with too much at once!

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    3. I love captain awkward!
      And yes, theoretically, I get that. I guess I'm just feeling I should have done this or that by this point and it gets me down a bit sometimes. I definitely won't let the next 4 or 5 years slip by, but it may take that long to get to a good point for dating. I hope not, but it's nice to know I'll still have a chance.
      That plan sounds much like my break a big goal into small goals-write the big ultimate goal at the top and then work back to where you are now and the first step. It's very clear and a good idea :) I'm currently trying to get a grasp on that first solid step which is a bit hard when I'm not 100% sure what direction I'm heading in....school? Travel? Most likely that first step for either is getting my drivers licence! I think even my wardrobe adventures of late may be a 'step'. I'm definitely turning things over in my mind a lot more lately. This blog is a help for sorting out thoughts and hopefully growing as a person as well.
      Vanessa

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    4. Fair enough - I can see that it's tricky when you're not sure whether the next step is school or travel. I would suggest setting a deadline for that decision too (especially as you might not need a driver's licence for travel, depending on where you go), but maybe that's just my deadline-obsession coming through. I too let time slip by while wondering whether to travel, and I finally tried it and didn't like it that much, so then I moved to London and then started making progress with dating. I wanted a way to work out beforehand whether travel was the right choice, but really the only way to know was to try it and find out.

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    5. Yes. Now you mention it a deadline is probably a good idea......otherwise I'll probably just roll along for god knows how long! I love traveling, I already know this, however I'm lacking a travel companion and I can't go alone (at the moment anyway) so in the time it takes me to get ready for that I'd likely have at least a year of school under my belt.......and maybe I can do both (prepare mentally for travel and study) at the same time? Or maybe that'd be way too much. Theres always the chance I'd get at least a semester abroad (maybe even 6 months or a year......) whilst studying too. I must admit buckling down for 4-5 years of study doesn't fill me with joy, but I wouldn't like to look back and think I've wasted those same years doing nothing either.
      *sigh* maybe one day I'll figure it out.
      Vanessa

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  3. " By 26 it would seem like about 60% of people are in serious relationships, I'd only imagine it grows more and more the older you get."
    I am 27 and the figure seems to have jumped to about 90% in like a year.

    Anyways, thanks for posting those links, they were good (reassuring) links. :)

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    1. Yes I know ;) Those links can be a life line on rough days!
      Vanessa

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  4. When I think about the experiences and milestones that should have happened, it does fill me with a bit of regret. I'll never know what it's like to sneak out in the middle of the night to meet a boy, to be asked to prom, or knowing that it's okay to not have any experience because no once else does either. It's easier to get over heartbreak when you're younger too, and you're much more open.

    Things are much more serious after 21. Since I'm so off track from the norm now and have missed all of the "deadlines" anyway, if I ever do end up in a relationship, it's important that I don't feel rushed to catch up.

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    1. Yes, definitely yes. Just little things like prom can feel huge looking back.
      I don't think it's impossible, but there is no doubt it gets harder as you get older.
      Vanessa

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