Tuesday 22 October 2013

Realisation

I realise that this probably sounds a bit daft but in the last few days I've kind of figured out that I really have nothing to look forward to. No goals so to speak. Well apart from huge ones well off into the future. That maybe I've been obsessing about my situation (rather then it just being a part of who I am it's become who I am) to the detriment of my ability to concentrate on or achieve anything else. That's not a good place to be. So busy wondering why/what/how I've got here instead of thinking of what I could be achieving in spite of that. I read about other people achieving things, making plans and setting goals, and think, yes I could do that! But then the doubt creeps in. I hate that. I'm not exactly sure how to break out of the mind rut I'm in, I don't want to enrol at uni and not give it my best shot-I want to succeed, I don't have to be the best but I do want to pass. I worry that maybe I really am not actually able to do anything of any note, my mind too scrambled and unable to concentrate. And then there's the worry of spending time away from my family, not only are they inbuilt company but I always worry that something could happen and I'd have missed valuable time with them. I think I have a heightened sense of worry about this due to my previous losses, I know I'd be so guilty if I was off doing something and something happened. I worry about my mother having to do things on her own, despite her being perfectly capable, but what if something happens? Sure puts a damper on looking forward to an exchange. I know most kids can't wait to get away from their families, I honestly wonder if they regret that later? Do they regret not getting to know their parents as adults? Not hearing their stories? My fondest memories of my father are all his stories, I wonder if I'd gone the conventional path if I'd have been in uni when he'd died? Not got the chance to say goodbye? I don't know. Maybe it would have been better, no terrible memories of being able to do nothing to help. I don't know.
Sometimes I think I don't know anything.

laptops


Edited to add: my mother also keeps saying things like 'you could do x instead of uni' or 'it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out' or 'you can still do x if it doesn't work out' what she's trying to say is: even if you fail it'll be okay, it doesn't matter. What I hear: 'you're probably going to fail, but don't worry about it!' *sigh*
Vanessa

5 comments:

  1. How about getting a qualification through distance learning, rather than through having to spend lots of time away from your family? I don't know how it works in Australia... actually I don't fully know how it works in England, but I think they have things like evening classes where you do most of your study and assignments at home. Just an idea.

    Also, you've got plenty else to look forward to: first kiss, first time having sex, first time having good sex, first relationship... I think that you can achieve all of these things, and they sound to me like exciting goals to look forward to!

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    1. They don't do any of the courses I'm interested in distance-also I suck at distance learning......I'm a visual learner and I also can find about 300 other things to do before school work. Easily distracted, me? Never ;) I'll be commuting to school at first anyway so I'll have time to adjust, although 2 hours travel everyday sucks.
      I hope you're right!
      Vanessa
      PS I hope everyone doesn't get sick of my ramblings....I irritate myself sometimes!

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  2. Hello again! Not much to add here except I've often felt this way--as though I have nothing to look forward to. And then I set goals and end up over-thinking them instead of putting them into practice. I wish I could offer some good advice, but this is something I tend to get stuck on, so I don't have much to offer. For what it's worth, college--I'm from the United States and we don't really use the term "uni," though I kind of like it--was one of the best periods of my life. Although I can understand why you'd be hesitant to leave your family after what you've experienced.

    I wish you the best in figuring it out! At least it sounds like you're considering your options, which is a good place to start. :-)

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    1. Hey :) Yeah that feeling sucks! Over thinking is the enemy of living a happy life I think-and I do it all the time LOL It's reassuring to hear that you enjoyed college :)
      Thanks :)
      Vanessa

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    2. "Overthinking is the enemy of living a happy life." Well said! If I could put it into practice, I'd make it my motto. Lol.

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