Friday 31 January 2014

Panic is a perfectly reasonable response

Well at least for me it is anyway. The closer I get to starting uni the larger my panic looms. It's great.
I want to slap myself for being so painful but I honestly can't help it I'm afraid.
I'm booked in for my first appointment with, lets call her, Dr L-I'm freaking out over that too, can I not stay locked in my room forever instead? Then I remember that I was the one who wanted out *sigh*
I'm also freaking out at going from zero to uni, my brain is most probably mush by now and what if I miss a Jesse stone episode? I realise this is an unreasonable feeling, I need to do something obviously, but I'm still worried over it. I'm also worried that my sister will find it breezy and I'll struggle-let it not be said that sibling rivalry is dead. Mind you I'm also talking about going for a weeks overseas holiday in June with her so it can't be all bad-only problem is I want to do the deep south USA and she wants to go to Vietnam. Pros for Vietnam: pretty, shorter flight Cons: hygiene (as someone with a sensitive tummy this matters), toilets (yeah I've been reading asian toilet horror stories. What?)  Pros for USA: speak english (sort of..), the food, Elvis! (we get to visit Memphis), New Orleans, toilets (umm..) Cons:  don't know, alligators maybe? Moot point anyhow those things are like pussy cats compared to a salt water croc anyhow. Clearly I'm winning this. Or not.
I think I've figured out why getting older bothers me so much: it's my identity basically. I've always been the youngest one in my class or group or whatever, I may have been too young but I've never been to old. So who am I now I'm not that person? Identity crisis's r us, that's who. Being too young has a self solving solution being too old? Not so much. And I missed out on a lot of 'young' experiences like backpacking-sure I can still go at 30 but I see just as many 'creepy 30 year old backpacker' posts as I do supportive ones and either way I'm likely to be the odd one out. Sucks. There's also the fact that I'm looking at 4 years of school during which I can't really do anything travel wise (or otherwise really)-it's going to make getting my visa before 31 a tight squeeze and then I'll be a 31 year old fresh graduate in a different country looking for a job. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success really.
I'm feeling distant from everyone (I'm curious who the people are who visit this blog but never comment), even my friends, maybe I'm projecting but I feel like everyone is bored of me or irritated at me. The only person who seems to like me is my hairdresser and she's paid. And I think she only likes me because I let her braid my hair.
I'm also considering starting a sister blog over at wordpress.....it seems more popular...what do you guys think?
Vanessa

13 comments:

  1. "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave (wo)man is not (s)he who does not feel afraid, but (s)he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela. You can do it!

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    1. Very true. I hope that I can do just that! Thanks for the vote of confidence, much appreciated :)
      Vanessa

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  2. I have become one of those who reads your blog without commenting, sorry! It's not because I'm bored or anything, I just get distracted before I get to the commenting part. Good luck winning your case for going to the US. Though the shorter flight time to Vietnam seems more appealing to me :p. And as for the sister WordPress blog, you should definitely do it, but I'm a little biased though :D

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    1. LOL that's okay, I don't want to come of as demanding or whiny....I'm just so curious-who are these people? You know? :)
      Shorter flight times are nice.....but still it's worth it for the deep south no? Fried food all the way! ;)
      Are there rules about having 2 blogs with the same posts? Am I like plagiarising myself?....hmmm anyway I've started it up, no posts yet, I've dubbed it the blonette
      Vanessa

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  3. Yeah, I always wonder about the people who view my page without commenting. Like did they stumble on it by accident and close it immediately? But then I get regular views from some countries.

    I don't think it's plagiarism if it's your own work. So it's blondette.wordpress.com? I will go follow it.

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    1. Exactly! :)
      Its: http://theblonette.wordpress.com/ I haven't put anything on it yet and I have no idea how it works....you have been warned LOL
      Vanessa

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    2. I have used blogger before and I think wordpress is a little more user friendly so you should figure out how things work easily. Let me know if you need help though :)

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  4. Hi! I'm one of those people who visits your blog but doesn't leave comments. Sorry about that! I find your posts relatable--I also tend to be socially anxious and awkward and worry too much about what other people think of me--but I don't really have any advice to share, so I don't comment. I guess I feel like usually I could just say, "Hey, I've felt that way too! Hugs!" but I don't know how helpful that would be. Even though I don't say much, I really do enjoy your writing, and I wish you all the best at uni! I think what you're doing is really brave, even if you don't feel like it is. Going to school isn't easy, no matter what age you are, but even though you feel intimidated by it, you're still going forward with it, which I think is awesome!

    And good luck figuring out your identity crisis. I think that people's 20's, despite how they're portrayed in movies and on television, really are just about going through identity crises and trying to figure out how to transition from being a kid to being an adult without losing a sense of who you are. It's a weird age to be stuck in. At least, that's what I'm currently experiencing in my own life and what my friends are experiencing in theirs. So, even I don't have any words of wisdom about how to get through it, I sympathize with you. (And, if it's any consolation, I don't think that going backpacking in your 30's is weird at all.) :-)

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    1. Hey there Georgy :)
      Feel free to just post that if you want, I love all comments even the 'me too' ones. Maybe that's because I leave 'me too' ones on other blogs...hmmmm
      I keep thinking I've wasted my early 20's by not going to uni, traveling, etc (basically following the standard path) my mum just rolls her eyes at me and says 'yeah, sure, you just started your own business and won some awards instead. Totally did nothing at all' to which I cry 'that doesn't count!'. I really don't know why I think that, maybe because ultimately it was physically unsustainable? Maybe because I miss it but know I can't do it again? Anyway yes uni terrifies me, every time someone asks me 'you excited about uni?!' I feel like bursting into tears, clinging to their trouser leg and wailing 'no! Please don't make me go!' LOL
      Identity crisis's suck the proverbial my friend. I'm not enjoying it one little bit.
      Vanessa

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    2. I definitely understand feeling like you're wasting your 20's. I'm in the same boat. I don't know if it's because I have this idea of what the 20's are "supposed" to be like and my life didn't match that or if I feel that way for some other reason. Though I've never done anything as cool as starting a business. Even though it wasn't sustainable, I'm sure you learned a lot from the experience, so it's pretty sweet that you made the effort. That's more than a lot of people can say. And I hate it when people expect me to be excited about something that scares me, which seems to be the way you feel about uni. It sucks trying to put on a brave face for people or being honest with them and their not knowing how to handle it. Wishing you more Internet hugs and the best of luck!

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    3. Yeah, sometimes I think I've just being sold an idea and it's not reality.
      LOL yeah I hate trying to be excited when I'm freaking.
      Vanessa

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  5. Ten years from now you'll be happy that you accomplished some of these dreams and not how long it took for it to happen.

    You're incredibly brave for tackling your anxiety to fulfill them. Very admirable. You're allowed to freak out a bit as long as you "Git'r done!" (Southern red neck expression, lol).

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