Thursday 23 January 2014

So you're unlucky

It's official-I'm unlucky. 2 bad things happened today, one was the unexpected death of an irreplaceable animal and the other was a negative test (in this case negative is bad) on another animal that I've been waiting on for months. All this after the week form hell. I never used to believe in higher powers but I'm seriously beginning to think I've got something bad going on. It makes me sad to think this 'bad luck' or karma or whatever will just follow me wherever I go, will I ever break out out or will it just continue? Do I deserve it? Maybe I do. The people around me don't. It makes me sad. Maybe my unhappiness is from the inside.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life is destined this way what's the point? Maybe if my life is going to be unhappy for me I should try and do good for others? Maybe volunteer in Africa or India? Become a nun? If I'm being honest, if my mother wasn't here I don't know if I would be either-I couldn't bear hurting her. But then I also think how selfish that would be, my sister died in an accident, she had no choice. How selfish is it of me to wish I'd never been born? If I could swap with her I would. At least she had a life worth living. She was 27, I'll be 27 in march, I've been thinking of her and my dad a lot lately. I don't want anyone to think I'm going to do anything rash, I'm not. I'm just feeling lost, without direction-I don't know who I am or what I want or where I'm going. I find it hard to imagine anyone could ever care about me.
I have my doctors appointment tomorrow, which always makes me horribly nervous, I have the added nerves of wanting to bring up my social anxiety (or I'm actually beginning to think avoidant personality disorder) and try and get a referral to someone-I'm really worried and have no idea how to bring it up.
Anyhow things are a bit tough right now.
I bought a dress to wear on my birthday and then wondered why I did, I wonder if I'll even get to go to dinner for my birthday and I wonder if the dress could be re-worn as a date night dress one day or if it'll languish in my closet, here it is anyhow:
birthday dress


In other news my friend T had her baby, a little girl called I. I wish her the best.
Vanessa

12 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about your animals. I don't think that this proves that you'll have bad karma forever, but I can see how this and other difficult things can be depressing. It sounds like you're stuck in a loop in your head, and I really think that some kind of therapy would be worth trying. It doesn't mean that there's anything "wrong with you" - I think most people could benefit from therapy (I did, and so did many other people I know.) It might help to break the cycle going round in your head - and I hope that you do talk to the doctor about it just in case they can help too. Nice dress!

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    1. Hey Matt good to see (read?) you!
      I'm on it, I've talked to my doctor and I now have an appointment-which is super scary actually, I didn't think I'd feel so weird about it.
      Thanks! Hopefully I'll get to wear it :)
      Vanessa

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    2. Cool - well done for taking that step! I hope that it turns out to be helpful. It might feel weird at first but I think it's worth giving it a try.

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  2. The best remedy when suffocating under these feelings is to keep busy. Enough so you stop thinking. Sleep more, listen to music, throw yourself into a project. Is it repressing? Yes, but sometimes that is what is needed to get through the day without being in a constant state of sadness.

    When your heart is feeling less tender, try to think about what triggered this downward spiral. For me these feelings are always under the surface, threatening to take over. But they must be managed because for right now, there is no resolution. Nothing that will happen in a day to chase it all away. No knight in shining armor to save me. Just getting through each day, working on myself, and finding a way to cope.

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    1. Hey V,
      I think you're somewhat right, it's certainly gotten worse since I've had no business to run and no hobbies that I'm into right now. But I think I need to get a grip on this-I don't want to live my life with this lurking behind me. I want to have at least tried, I hope I can move forward to a worthwhile life.
      Vanessa

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    2. I hope a you find a solution and things start to turn around.

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    3. Vestalis, something is weird with your blog; I can't access it without Google asking that I log in? I thought it might be site wide changes for blogspot, yet here I am, no account, on ALLA's blogspot hosted blog. What gives? Your blog is routine read for me, but I don't wanna make a Google account just to see it.

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    4. Don't worry. It's just temporary. My sister was being nosy, peeped my user named, and asked about it. I put it on private five minutes after. I'm hoping she forgets about it in couple of days, but the kid is like a private investigator and has the memory of an elephant.

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    5. Ah, I see.

      Hope you make it public again soon, even if by that time there's no updates lol.

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  3. What a beautiful dress - I'm sure you'll look amazing in it.

    It sounds to me like you're actually clinically depressed, which means that no amount of people saying "look on the bright side" and "it'll get better soon" will make any difference.

    The only thing for it is, as someone mentioned above, is some sort of therapy or help from your doctor.

    It's unlikely to make any difference at all, but for what it's worth, your life is worth living and you are an amazing person. I can tell that you're kind, and sweet and very supportive and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

    That said, it's not a bad thing to run away for a while if you get the chance, and try not to feel guilty about how your mum will feel about it. You're young and now's the time to do these scary things. Your mum will still be there when you get back and you have to live your life now, or regret being in her and your sister's shadow always.

    Chin up - God loves ya, even if it's hard to see sometimes.

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    1. Thanks!

      Yeah, I think so, I have to do a post about my family history but I actually have a family member who had depression so maybe that makes me more prone? I try not to bother my family with how I'm feeling because my sister always gives me the 'my life is so much worse!' lecture and it just upsets my mum. I have a appointment with a dr so hopefully that'll help.
      And thanks it does help :)
      At the moment I can't, my anxiety is too bad.....but I've promised myself if I can I will. No excuses.
      Thanks for commenting :)
      Vanessa

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