Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Growing up

I think I've done more growing up the last 2 years then I did the previous decade. I'm not really sure how this happened. At all. Maybe it's the realisation that the life you want doesn't just have to make it happen. And isn't that a scary thought.

Anyway here's a recap of my childhood and teenage years....
I was an incredibly outgoing child, I learned to walk at nine months and was incredibly active. I loved all animals. I used to disappear from my house at all hours after unlocking the child proof lock (I was badddd! My poor mother!) and going walkabout, I'd talk to anyone and everyone, I was unafraid of pretty much everything. I was never clingy or shy. At all. Then when I was 4, a year before most kids, I started primary school. The teacher hated me, I was outgoing and curious and I asked a lot of questions. It didn't take long for the other kids (grades K-6) to figure out they could blame me for any and everything and no questions asked I would be disciplined, it took them only a little longer to figure out they could pick on me without any repercussions, so they did that too. It was awful. I didn't tell my parents what was happening, I can't really say why, I just started to not want to go to school at all and was unhappy. One particular incident has always stuck with me, I was being told off for something I hadn't done and I promptly told the teacher that I didn't like him and wanted to go to a different school. He slapped me across the face. I'd never been psychically disciplined even by my parents. I was distraught, and again, I told no none. He never laid hands on me again, but he continued to belittle and torment me and now instead of just hating him I was terrified of him. I thought things would get better when he finally left, and the new teacher never targeted me, but the precedent of being bullied had being set and continued on unchanged. I finally changed schools for grade 6, and something incredible happened, I was part of the in group! I was one of the 'popular kids'. It was glorious. Unfortunately it only lasted a year and we all disbanded to head to high school. What a nightmare that was. From the get go one girl in my home room table hated me and convinced the other 3 girls to bully me as well. I left most days in tears and spent every lunch break lonely in the library, I made one friend and that was due to her also being bullied-and that was about all we had in common-by the end of the year I was at my wits end and me and my parents decided to take me out of school entirely. I made a pretty poor effort at home schooling (Remember I live in isolated area, I literally didn't see anyone apart from my parents and sisters in that time) until I was 16, I take full responsibility for that I just wasn't motivated, when I turned 16 I joined the family business. About halfway through that year my eldest sister was killed in a car accident about 100 metres from our house, on her way to pick me up to go to the movies, me, my mother and my father were all on the scene. I still remember the way time seemed to slow down as I realised it was her car. I try not to think about it too much as it still upsets me badly. I always think of her as the best of all of us. This of course caused a serious upheaval in the family, gradually we all started getting back to work, but things were never the same. My sister decided to have a baby the next year, hence my niece was born. Working in the family business meant I never saw anyone outside of relatives or people old enough to be my grandfather (who I never met, incidentally), so from 16 to 21 I never really socialised at all. From about 19 on I had my own ideas about opening my own business, still in same area but just a bit different, we discussed this a lot and I worked gradually towards doing it. When I was 21 my father was killed in a workplace accident, again both my mother and I were present. At least we got to say goodbye as he was conscious when he was taken in the ambulance but died on the way to the hospital. It was just me mother and me running the business, my remaining sister busy with her own work and family, it was hard but we kept on and about a year later I opened my own business. It did well, I won many awards and was in heaps of newspapers and magazines, however me and my mother were both working 5am-10pm days 7 days a week and only just breaking even, then my mother got sick (nothing serious, thank god) but it was enough to realise our work load was unsustainable. We shut both my and the family business down when I was 25. I've seemingly spent the last year recovering, reminiscing and thinking about life, how I thought it would be and how it actually is. I've changed my opinions on somethings and realised that the only way to fix me problems is for me to fix them. No one else can do it for me. I've also realised that time seems to go a lot faster now, when I was 16 it seemed forever till I was 19, now I'm 26 and it sure doesn't seem forever to 30. So now I'm in the position of deciding what to do next, go back to school? Travel and work overseas? Start a new business? And I know to do any one of those things I'm going to have to work hard on my social anxiety and what I'm beginning to think is agoraphobia (which I thought was a fear of the outdoors but can also be a fear of leaving a safe person or place, I have safe people), which will be a huge challenge in and of itself. I'm going to have to accept that life is always going to be that much harder for me and that to live it I'm going to have to accept the challenge.
PS I've also found a couple of new virginity blogs, is a voluntary virgin until marriage and looking for Mr right and who is just unlucky it would seem. I'd like to shout out to anyone who knows of any virgin blogs I haven't mentioned, I love to hear about/read them!


  1. I can relate to being a very vibrant and gregarious individual when I was a kid, but dealing with similar nonsense (bullying, rude teachers, etc.) has made me more withdrawn, introverted, and misanthropic. I have been working on getting out of my shell over the last few years, but it can be an uphill battle at times.

    And I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father and sister. Losing them both had to be a difficult experience to ordeal.

    (Oh, by the way---I have attempted to comment on your blog on earlier posts, but I guess it ate my comments. Hoping this one gets through to you!)

    1. Thanks vienna :) Yeah, I could have dealt with just a few kids I think but the teacher, someone who you look up to and is in a position of authority is an entirely different matter. Losing loved ones changes you forever, I'll never be the same person I was before that's for sure.
      I can't believe my blog ate your comments! Bad blog :(
      PS I just thought I'd let you know from the comments of yours I've read and your blog you're doing an admirable job of coming out of your shell, you go girl!

    2. "Thanks vienna :)"

      Please call me Dienna. The blog name is the pronunciation of my name.

      "Losing loved ones changes you forever, I'll never be the same person I was before that's for sure."

      It definitely does. But you'll always have a place for them in your heart.

      "PS I just thought I'd let you know from the comments of yours I've read and your blog you're doing an admirable job of coming out of your shell, you go girl!"

      Thanks! I appreciate it.

    3. No worries Dienna, I thought maybe you'd prefer your blog handle. BTW I love your name, it's really pretty and unique :)
      Yeah I still think about them all the time, still miss them.
      Keep up the good work!

  2. I'm so sorry to read of the tragic way you lost
    both your sister and father. Along with what you had to endure as a child, it makes since why you have so much anxiety about venturing out alone. No matter how big or small, out past experiences shape everything we are.

    I lost my father at an early age, and grew up very aware of his absence. But losing a parent as a young adult is so tough.

    So many possibilities for your future. Which direction are you leaning towards?

    1. Thanks for the kind words :) As for my future, ideally I'd love to break away and travel/work overseas for a few years, get some life experiences and gain some confidence, then I'd either come home and start a new business or go back to school. Unless of course I loved it overseas and wanted to stay there longer. I always envisage myself coming home, be it after 2 years or after 10 :) I'll write a more detailed blog post about it sometime :) But I've got a huge amount of work mentally to get there :( And most countries only allow work visas up till age 30.

  3. I am truly sorry about the loss of your sister and father.

    Additionally, the way that teacher treated you was absolutely horrible. Schools should always be a safe environment for children, no matter what. It riles me because I used to be a teacher.

    I definitely concur with you about time moving quickly. I'm 25 and 30 is just too close for comfort now.:D

    I am looking forward to the blog post about what your plans might be!