Well things just went south here. So let me explain: My sister and Ben bought a dog together, he was a small little foxy cross called Cam, my sister loved him and after she died Ben took extra special care of him. I'm pretty sure he loves that dog more than anything. Cam died this afternoon aged 19. Ben rang my mum and is very upset, he wants to bury Cam in the Cemetery near my sister-which is fine. He wants us all to come-not so fine. I realise he needs the comfort, and albeit it makes me feel like a real bitch, I'm feeling a bit emotionally unstable lately myself and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with having to see everyone upset and offering comfort. I'm sure Ben is looking for someone to be close and be a comfort, but I don't think it would be right for me to be that person. I feel so bad. And I hate people seeing me cry but if anyone else cries I will too and I hate that. I want to keep my grieving to myself, which probably makes me seem stone cold to others but it's how I am. But I'll probably end up crying and I hate that. I don't like to visit the cemetery and see my dad and sisters graves, I like to remember them as they were, it leaves me in a funk for days. I also think my mum thinks I'm unsympathetic, which is not true, but she doesn't know what happened. So basically I feel like the worst sort of person, like I don't deserve to be part of my family. I thought about texting Ben to tell him I was sorry about Cam, but I think that might be counterproductive, and I'll be seeing him tomorrow anyway. I've been trying to ring S but no luck. God maybe I just am that awful of a person, I hate myself right now.
Vanessa
You're not awful at all to feel the way you feel. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. I think that your explanations in your post sound perfectly reasonable. Hopefully people can learn to understand that you have your own way of coping just like everyone else does. I hope that tomorrow goes as well as it can for you and everyone there.
ReplyDeleteThanks Matt. It went okay. No tears from anyone, it was awkward, I think it would be weird if it wasn't, but it went okay. I still feel bad about what happened but I just have to tell myself it was better to be clear from the start then try and make myself try and have it go really bad. At least this way he still has the rest of my family.
DeleteVanessa
Awkwardness aside, I'm glad to read that you went and it turned out fine. Hopefully, you won't have too many more unwanted interactions with him.
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
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