Thursday, 26 September 2013

3 times I had a crush + 1 time someone had a crush on me

This is kind of an awkward post to write, mainly because it's a bit embarrassing but also because the time lines might be a tiny bit's really hard to remember wether you were 12 or 13 more than 10 years on :)
Anyway here it is:
Henry went to school with me, he along with one other boy and about 3 girls made up the 'popular group' that I was for one time in my whole life part of. He had auburn red hair, freckles and an average build, he was super smart and also the class clown, I liked him quiet a bit and we got along pretty well. As a matter of fact he asked me out twice but both times I was so terrified I said no (keeping in mind I was 12) and he ended up dating Kim instead. Looking back Henry's interest in me was the end of my stint in the popular group, as Kim ejected me soon thereafter, I realise now she was probably feeling a bit threatened by me. It was all for nothing anyhow as Henry moved away about 3 months later, the damage was done for me by then unfortunately. I tried to look Henry up on facebook but had no luck- probably for the best anyway.
Ted was my friends friend, I didn't know him at all, my friend Kate and I had a joint 16th birthday party (I invited one person, she invited about 6 I think, so it was small), so he just turned up. He was tall and skinny with jet black hair and blue eyes, he was quiet but friendly enough-I felt attracted to him straight away. In hindsight that was really stupid, Kate had invited him and if I'd thought a bit I'd have realised she was interested in him. Anyhow this ended up with the three of us crashed in my bed along with everyone else asleep on the floor, when Ted and Kate thought everyone else was asleep they had a heart to heart (which, painfully, included a rejection of me, Kate said she thought I liked Ted and Ted said yeah but I don't want her I want you-I know he meant nothing by it but it still stung), which I heard all of and I also got to hear my friend get her first kiss-I wanted to bolt but I didn't want to wreck her moment so I sucked it up and kept quiet. So that one was mostly my own fault.
Aiden was a French backpacker who stayed with us for a couple weeks with his French mate. He was only a touch taller than me, had curly brown hair and brown eyes, he was outgoing and very friendly. His friend was objectively much more attractive but I was drawn in by his personality, and he wasn't hard on the eyes either. It was a fun 2 weeks of teaching them about Australia and laughing about the mishaps translating French to English and vice versa, along with a rather heated argument about how to cook Bolognese correctly LOL But he had a girl friend back home so it went no where. I think he felt it too though because I got a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye and no one else did. I felt quiet relieved at that point, I was 24 and beginning to think I may never be attracted to anyone again! I remember it fondly :)
Now this is complicated. I'll never roll my eyes at a bold and beautiful plot line again ;) Ben was my eldest sisters boyfriend, the first time I met him I was about 12 I think, I liked him okay but he was always temperamental and stubborn about the silliest things. And he had a huge temper-I won't go into it here but some things he did will never be forgiven by me. He's also is a keen hunter, I know how to use a gun and I will only if I have to (an animal is in great pain) or I'm in danger (an aggressive dog trying attack me), I tried hunting once and I just felt so sad about shooting a fox (even though foxes are introduced and damage the environment), it just didn't sit right with me and I will not go hunting again. When my sister was killed they'd been together 9 years, it was a tumultuous relationship and I'm sure if it hadn't been for the fact that my sister was a real sweetheart it would've ended ages ago. He was devastated by her death, as we all were. He never really moved on at all and has been single ever since, he's a part of the family so we'd see him every few months, see how he was doing, he came to christmas a few times as he's not that close with his own family, he really loved my father and was very upset when he died. We all comforted each other then. When my mum went away on holiday last year for 3 weeks he came by to check on me and help me out with some chores, it was nothing out of the ordinary at all. He's also a bit computer illiterate so I helped sort out his laptop and went shopping with him for a ipod and iphone, I was happy to help and we got along well. Somewhere in there we decided to go to a couple of sporting events, which was casual and fun, we watched some movies and played some video games-I never one flirted or tried to impress him (unless daggy PJs are actually impressive), so I just thought we were friends. Looking back I can see he was sort of acting a bit strange (when I said I might go away to uni he said he'd miss me, just stuff like that. I had 0 experience so I had no idea) and finally one day after he'd dropped in for a visit he texted me and told me he had feelings for me. Thank god my mum wasn't home. I went into an epic meltdown complete with tears, I felt like this was all my fault and had no idea what to do. I didn't feel that way, to me he'll always be my big sisters boyfriend, he's 13 years older than me (I'd actually once stupidly thought if I ever did get married he might give me away, so you can see how badly my world view was upset by this). I also think he had me a bit confused with my sister. A very dangerous thing. So I called my friend who told me to keep it friendly but distant, so that's what I did, I still feel bad about it and I hope I didn't hurt his feelings too badly. At the same time I feel a bit resentful that it'll always be awkward whenever I see him from now on. We haven't gone anywhere as friends since and I haven't gotten a text for a few months-which I feel both glad and guilty about, but he talks to my mum and sister so I know he's doing okay. I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him again just yet, but maybe I'll never be? IDK. The only people who know are me, him and my wise yoda friend S-and, well, you guys :))
Anyway that's it for now,


  1. Thanks for sharing these stories - I find it really interesting to get these pieces of background information which combine together to create someone's history.

    I was surprised to read that you thought things were "your fault" both with Ted and with Ben. I don't see how you did anything "wrong". You found Ted attractive but he was already interested in your friend Kate - it's not like you tried to badmouth Kate or something. You're allowed to find people attractive even if they end up with someone else! And with Ben: it's not "your fault" if someone develops feelings for you, and you're allowed to feel differently about them. Again I don't think you did anything wrong. Reading this reminds me of Eleanor Rigby's most recent comment on her "Pear By Herself" blog: "...females being subtly raised to be submissive, to diffuse conflict, to apologize for things they didn't do..."

    But I think it's awesome that you've got a wise Yoda friend - I think everyone could do with at least one of those! What are her thoughts on how you might date more in the future, if you'd like to? Or do you not ask her for advice on that? Speaking of which: do you like getting general dating advice/thoughts from us readers, or do you prefer more support and understanding and that kind of thing? I know that I can be one of those people who "tries to solve problems" and that some people don't want their situation to be seen as a "problem to be solved"!

  2. Hi Matt,
    No problems :) I technically know it's not my fault, I just can't help but feel that way. I'm one of those people who worry about other peoples feelings more than my own, I quiet often will do things I'm not so keen on just to make a friend or family member happy-as long as I'm not hurting anyone (or myself) and it makes someone happy why not? But maybe that is the wrong attitude to have.
    My wise Yoda friend is in her early 50's, with no kids, never been married and a high school teacher, she's really fierce and knows what she wants, she's probably one of my favourite people, it's a pity she doesn't live closer. She's literally my polar opposite :) She has her faults, she's always late, forgets to call me and can just generally be a total flake-but I like her anyhow! We don't generally talk about dating, I mean I'm sure she would and we do talk about her dating experiences (which are many, varied and crazy!) just not mine. I do want to date in the future, I'm a bit leery of just random meeting one on one (like online dating) because I'm really shy and awkward until you get to know me upon which I can be hard to shut up ;) I'd prefer to meet in a casual no pressure situation a few times first, but I think that might make it too difficult to meet people. I'll write a post about my current why-I'm-not-dating-right-now situation sometime :) As for the advice feel free, I like both approaches!

  3. Fair enough - it's nice that you want to do things to make other people happy. I think that doing some of that can be a really nice thing - it's just that doing too much of that and not enough for yourself can lead to problems sometimes. As with many things, I think it's good to have a balance if possible.

    If your Yoda is geographically your polar opposite then she might live close to me! (I'm in London, England.) That would make it tricky to find the right time to talk with her on the phone I guess!

    I'd be interested to read a why-I'm-not-dating-right-now post. I'm sure I would have plenty of advice/thoughts/over-sharing in response to that one! But I think in general my comments will boil down to one main concept: dating can be hard work, and for some of us it's necessary to push ourselves to try anyway, although only when we're at a good point for it - I know that sometimes we need to give ourselves a break and be nurturing to ourselves too.

    Again I guess I'm speaking from my own experience. For example: at school I was really good at maths, and really bad at interacting with girls/women. Same goes for university, actually. I had friends who were really good at dating and really struggled at maths. While I could fly through maths with little effort, they had to put special work into maths, sometimes get private tutoring, sometimes get help from me, or whatever. I only gradually realised that dating for me was like maths for them - I could see that dating just came naturally to some people, and it was frustrating to see how easy it seemed for them when I didn't even know where to start, but we each have our own natural skills and natural struggles so I had to put more work into dating. Really quite a lot of work. For a while, "life got in the way", partly because I let it get in the way because I was scared. Eventually I tried to get everything else settled and low-maintenance in my life so that I could really focus on learning how to date. It wasn't easy, but gradually it worked, and it was worth it. Just my experiences, for what they're worth!

  4. Nope she just the personality polar opposite, although one of her boyfriends was a londoner-she was on skype at all hours :) I will do that post, not sure if it'll be the next one or not, but I'm thinking about it a lot now.
    I find it really funny that you used math in your analogy, as if there's one thing I suck at even worse than human communication it would have to be math! The one big difference is that the only variable in math is me (If I work hard I'll get it right, if I don't I won't) whereas in dating there's a whole other person who I have zero control over. Working hard sure helps but it doesn't make it a sure thing. Unlike maths. Or in my case not maths either but you know what I mean LOL

  5. It might seem embarrassing to you, but I don't think it is. Lately, I've been mulling over my own "romantic" past and I've been taking stock of things, if, trying to piece everything together will help me see where I went wrong...because, (as referenced in my most recent post), maybe I am to blame for why I'm alone now.

    I still haven't found the answers, but it's almost like you can't help but write this stuff down in the need to search for "answers."

  6. No exactly right. The same as I get hugely embarrassed if people are talking about a guy being cute......I never get involved. I don't think I've once said 'that guy is really cute!', but it's totally normal to do that-I'm just stunted in that way I guess!
    I think writing helps :) And I don't think anyone is solely to blame for these kinds of situations, sometimes it just doesn't work the way we hope!

  7. What happened with Ted is what probably set the course for how you expected future romantic interests to turn out. As you know, this is a common occurrence in my life and it really has stopped me from letting myself develop those types of feelings towards guys. It happened to me the first time in the 4th grade where a boy I was interested in liked my friend instead. When saw it, I actually helped push them together.

    The situation with your sister's boyfriend was just tragic. Maybe you were as close to her that he could ever get, or maybe he genuinely began to grow feelings for you after spending so much time alone together? It would be awkard now to rehash that situation with him. The one time some confesses feelings for you and it is boderline inappropriate.

    1. Yes rejection always hurts but at the same time I can look back on that now with no ill feelings, just a vague sense of 'what was I even thinking?'. I'm ready to have feelings again.....but sometimes I worry I'm a cold heartless person now and will never develop feelings again :( You just can't force it.
      As for Ben, it was bad. And it would've been bad for both of us even if I had felt that way, I don't see anyway he could not be seeing my sister in me at least a bit-I look the most like her out of me and my other sister, even though I don't think I'm as pretty. And although I'm a bit more feisty I'm most like her in temperament too......I even dress a bit like her. Which makes it sound like I'm trying to be her, which, I'm not-it's just genes I guess. My mum often jokes that my sister Kat is the odd one out.....maybe they mixed her up at the hospital LOL Because she's just so different ;)
      PS It's good to see you back!

    2. Had a little down time tonight, but I'll just be commenting for a while when I can.

      Maybe your rejection of Ben helped him with the greiving process?

    3. I have no idea...........which isn't very enlightening at all...