My sister is moving. She'll be more than a day's car ride away (About 1000 kms away), it's unlikely we'll see her much, as much as she drives me nuts sometimes she's also the main driving force behind outings and shopping trips and I'm going to miss her. I'm not a phone person so I'll likely only be getting updates via my mum who talks to her on the phone often. In some ways I'll be glad not to see my niece grow up, she's 10, I'm sure by the time she's 13 she'll have had more boyfriends than me, it makes me feel awful to think like that but I really can't help it. And I definitely don't want a front seat view for it either. It also makes me worry even more about trying to gain my independence-my mother will really be by herself (if I could ever leave anyway, it seems a long way away) and 30mins from any town. I've noticed her driving is getting worse lately and it stresses me out that she'd be on her own. But then she's also talking about moving (but then she's been talking about it for the last 6 years...) and she keeps saying 'you'll want x in the new house' and 'there's a university nearby, that'd be great for you!' and although I appreciate her including me I also feel bad about it because it makes me feel like I'm never going to have my own life, my own happiness and if everyone else can see that maybe I should just give up. I know thats not what she means, that she's just telling me there's a place for me with her, but it just makes me feel hopeless and trapped. *sigh* Me and her are also planning a trip to Canada sometime, going from coast to coast, somedays I feel really excited about it and others I feel like I should be doing it by myself not with my mum. But how likely is that? I really want to get my work visa and work overseas for a couple years, maybe even get a dual citizenship, but how can I do that when I can't even go grocery shopping on my own? How could I make friends and new connections when I'm so horribly, painfully shy? Is it just my escapism talking? Am I chasing a feeling I'll never have? I have made some small steps for improving myself, I'm in the process of getting my licence (finally) and I've made myself buy a few things by myself, which seems huge! It seems like such a long road from where I am now to where I want to be. And sometimes an impossible one. Ah to be normal, I wish! I found this quote in a book (Vegabonding: an uncommon guide to the art of long-term world travel by Rolf Potts):
And so I stand among you as one that offers a small message of hope, that first, there are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence.
Thomas Merton, the asian journal of Tomas Merton
Am I one of these people? Undoubtably, minus the free-floating bit. Is it by my own choice? Decidedly not. As a side note people who claim the above always seem to have a ready gaggle of friends and numerous boyfriends/girlfriends. I think they think it sounds romantic, little do they realise the harsh reality of it.
Anyway we're coming up to Summer here in Aus (well in a few months but you know what I mean), and I think Lana Del Rey has captured it perfectly:
I've got that summertime sadness too.
PS Some links for the girls: cute hair ties I've discovered https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320225?ref=fb2_tnx_title and https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320061?ref=fb2_tnx_title also these are really cheap and simple to make (I'm going to have a go at it) http://www.ohsoprettythediaries.com/2012/08/the-diy-no-fray-emi-jay-inspired-hair.html or http://www.loveumadly.com/2012/07/diy-hair-bands-in-every-color/
Also just discovered these: http://www.cleava.com/Default.asp for when you want to wear a low top/dress but don't want to layer with a camisole or tank. Super cute and very handy too!