Oh woe is me

I feel like this blog is a bit of a case of woe is me. But I guess it is about the part of my life that isn't so great, so it's to be expected I guess. Still sorry for that. If this blog was about, say, the mastery of a flour-less sponge cake things would be a lot more cheerful.
Anyway I just had a bad day (a bad couple of days even), I just felt blah and had some stuff to do I didn't want to, had to listen to how my 10 year old niece is the pinnacle of civilisation to this point (or in my mothers words 'one of our family is normal! Can you believe it!) and deal with my ever reticent sister. So yeah, I just wasn't feeling it at all I'm afraid. Add to that the usual cute couple sitings, pics of the pregnant friend and just everybody's life but mine being more exciting/useful/happy it was pretty crappy. I've been also been having that 'is there any point nothing will ever change' feeling that I get sometimes-the feeling that there's no point anticipating or looking forward to anything because 1 it will likely never happen and 2 the reality is always very different to the dream-and not in a good way.
I sold a few excess animal things I had hanging around and bought a apple laptop with the proceedings, I really love it, it's meant to be for uni but I don't really know how much people use laptops at uni. Anyway it's nice and shiny and I'm sure I'll find something to use it for. I also found a really good recipe for a trifle for christmas, my mum loves them so I'll be making one for her.
I've also added these boots to my if-I-ever-get-to-Canada wish list:

I like the tall ones but the others are cute too. I'm also thinking of adding some Keds (which incidentally is also the name of a sheep parasite in england. Thank god we don't have them here!) to my shoe collection, somehow they seem like a classier version of converse.......anyhow they look nice with shorts, dresses and jeans-I think anyway:

That's it for now :)

Vanessa

Life sucks

That's it.
Vanessa

The 'Russian' look

When we went to Russia I often got mistaken for a local, people asked me for directions and I had one Russian lady try to have a chat with me in a lift (she was shocked when I told her that I was not russian 'you're sure?' she asked, well yeah actually LOL), I thought it was likely my sheepskin coat and long hair that did it-but since then whilst telling the story I've been told I've got 'that russian look' or 'that russian thing going on'. It leaves me wondering, what kind of russian look are they talking about? I mean is it the Anna Kournikova russian look? Or the Vladimir Putin russian look? So far I've been too afraid to ask. What is that russian look? No idea. 

Vanessa

PS as an interesting aside when on the metro (which is an experience in and of its self :) ) as long as we kept our mouths shut no one looked at us twice-however as soon as you spoke the whole train carriage would turn on mass to stare at you.......it was a little bit unnerving LOL 

So this is weird.

I'm influenced by the internet. I know, I know so's everyone you say. Yeah. But does it have the ability to ruin their day or change their mind? Probably not. I don't like it. I find some of the stuff I find online enlightening and uplifting, but mostly I find it confusing, off putting and depressing. The exception to this was the incel forum which seemed pretty level headed, occasionally confronting, but mostly made sense-it seems to have disappeared which is unfortunate for any new female incels just entering the internet world, if anyone has visited the forum over the last few days and it worked drop me a comment, maybe it's just me! Otherwise it's a pity for all the info on there to have disappeared-some of the forum's I've come across are so filled with hatred for women it's alarming. Some are creepy: a guy commented on his liking for younger girls, another commented 'yeah I know what you mean about liking younger girls, but I think for me 16-19 is more realistic'. That is scary. 16 to 19 is a young girl. How young are we talking? I also read comments about all women being sluts of one kind or another, how after about 16 they are sullied and 'hard'. I think they may be confusing a girl growing up and acquiring her own opinions with her being a bitch. I also read how feminism has spoiled women and how one must look at a non-feminist country to find a suitable mate. There was other stuff I read that left me reeling too but I don't want to spend too much time here rehashing it :(
I've also realised something else: my mother always looks at the bad side of everything. I don't know why it's taken me this long to figure this out but there you go. She assumes that everyone is awful or wants something unless proven otherwise, she's very suspicious of people and automatically assumes the worst case of whatever they've said even if they didn't mean it that way. She also has a way of blaming me when anything goes wrong with my friends, like for example 'K hasn't called in ages. You must have said something to her' or 'T hasn't texted, what did you do to her?' and lets be fair it takes 2 people to maintain a friendship and sometimes I'm sure I did do something but it isn't always me. Not everything that goes wrong is my fault. I hope.
I know she doesn't mean it in a vicious sense it's just how she is. But I worry it might have rubbed off on me a bit. I don't know, maybe I'm just destined to be the way I am and no amount of trying will change it.
Vanessa

For vestalis noir as promised

Here are is a pic of my hens as requested:

And if you're wondering what they're rubber necking at check out this picture, look closely:

Is that a snake you can see? Why yes, yes it is. To be more precise that is a very angry, rather large, very venomous tiger snake I almost stood on (hence the angry part) whilst trying to get a good angle for the hen pic. You're welcome ;)

I live in Australia. We have venomous snakes in our house yard. And the car shed. (and once rather memorably in the grapevine.....but that's a story for another day)

But we have windmills and pretty days too:

Also to all the north americans who freak out over our numerous poisonous spiders and snakes, I would like to point out: I can take on a spider or snake with a shovel. I'd like to see you try that with a grizzly bear. I think I've won that argument. Mind you I've never actually tried to take on a grizzly bear with a shovel.....maybe it's easier then it would at first appear?

But seriously snake vs bear? Give me the snake every time.

Vanessa

Do you have to justify dreams?

I really want to live in Canada for an extended period. If you asked me where I got the idea from or why I couldn't really tell you. I just do, it just is and has been for 3 or so years now.......probably starting around the time I meet my Dutch solo backpacker friend who's now having a baby. People change. I might change. But is it wrong to want something that has no solid reasoning or justification? I'm not the only one as the following links prove:

http://canaussie.com/

http://annasnextadventure.blogspot.com.au/

http://mademoisellemtl.canaussie.com/

http://marmitetomaple.wordpress.com/

I can't keep waiting around and daydreaming about the things I want to do. I can't wait around for someone to do them with either. It's scary but I don't want to look back and think, well, fear sure ruined my life didn't it. It's scary and it's hard and I'm sure the first part is going to worse then my comfy little comfort zone-but I can't stay here forever.

Still I sometimes feel like I'm crazy for just wanting to uproot and head off, maybe it's the thought of being a 'new' person? Or perhaps it's that being a bit odd likely won't stand out as much in a foreigner?

Whenever I start looking into it seriously or trying to plan ahead I just end up feeling a bit silly, a lot could change in the next few years-am I being sensible pinning hopes on this? What if my mum gets sick? The list goes on.

Vanessa

PS It appears the Incel forums are down again-this is weird as they were down for four days but no one commented on it......I wonder if it's just me?

Today? Today was okay.

I had an okay day today, first of all me and my sister seem to be on the same page (don't get me wrong this could change. My sister can change her mind in 0.001 seconds so nothing is ever concrete...) for the time being. I accepted both our offers and I now have my own uni student page to visit, soon we'll get students cards and we can go to a course info day in early January to organise our courses. So far we both agree that starting part-time is best after having being out of school for so long (this will delay any exchange opportunities as you have to be full time, but maybe that's a good thing-gives me more time to mentally prepare) so we're talking about signing up for 2 units: Biology 1 and chemistry 1, which are in common for both of our courses. We need to try and fit the tutorials into one day if we can so my sister can still work-but for the time being she's talking about shuffling her work to fit the course and not the other way round. I'm still slightly concerned about the work, even though my course has no math specific units I still worry about it and I know zip about chemistry. Hopefully the part-time course load will allow me to chase up any back info I need to start.
And I found this shirt that comes in a hedgehog, bunny and fox version, enough to brighten anyones day ;):

Oh and (Matt, if you're reading this cover your eyes!) tie dye converse! These are so cool:

I'm not sure if I should sort of imagine ahead and plan that yes I will go on exchange or if it's bad to do that when maybe I won't be able to? It's something I really would like to do if I can......with the first 6 months part time it wouldn't be until semester 2 2015 (seems so far away *sigh*) that I could go as you need 12 months full time study to apply. Should I go see the exchange office as soon as I start so they know I want to go if I get the chance or would that be overkill? 

So if all goes well here is the (rough!) plan:

Start uni feb 2014 part time (2 units) for 6 months

Switch to full time from mid 2014

finish first year of uni 2014 (this would be a major oh yeah! moment)

Start 2nd year of uni 2015 for 6 months, apply to go on exchange-for 12 months or maybe 6 months

spend 6-12 months on exchange, 6 months back late 2015, 12 months back mid 2016

3rd and final year (or half year) of uni!

Maybe postgrad overseas........

Anyway today was okay :)

Vanessa

PS the incel forum is back up-there for a bit I thought it might be gone for good, even though I'm still not able to post it's a good resource for those of us in this position. I particularly like 'get the f*ck out of your house' (http://incel.myonlineplace.org/forum/showthread.php?t=1221) thread, sound advice that........I'm working on it! Also 'the seven deadly sins of incel' (http://incel.myonlineplace.org/forum/showthread.php?t=6804) thread is a good read.

Well here's one for the book

My sister decided to ring the uni to find out what was going on (I won't use the language she used. I don't want to get arrested.)-what happened was: the rejection letter was sent on a glitch and as of right now I have a shiny new admission letter sitting in my inbox. Or a big red flashing danger sign in my inbox. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone about it. But I promised myself I'd be brutally honest on this blog, so there you go. I got an offer. Wether I accept it or not is another thing altogether.
It'll be hard for me academically no matter what, doable but hard. I haven't done any school work in like over 10 years. Emotionally it could be simple (if my sister accepts her offer to a different course and goes too) or hard/impossible (she doesn't....). I can see my sister's point of view, she's working and earning money and that's great! But she hates her job, she gets free rent and her partner is working fulltime-no matter how you look at it wouldn't it be better to sacrifice a tiny bit (free rent remember!) and have a qualification and job you like? To me it's a no-brainer, it's not like she's going to be homeless or have no food or not be able to afford my nieces books etc, her partner has a good job and there are many women I know who are stay at home mums in a similar situation. It's not like I'm asking her to plan a trip to greenland for $5. She's just so frustrating, this would likely benefit her more than me in the long run yet she keeps making excuses or long drawn out ridiculous plans (like maybe she should do a degree part time in the field she's in, and hates, and then do a postgrad, which will take 2 1/2 years. That's a whole 6 months less then just doing it straight up!! What am I missing?), I just feel so frustrated with her. Especially for leading me along and then changing her mind at the last minute like always. If she just f*cking got on with it and did it she'd actually get somewhere, no more whinging about the job she hates, no more competing for lower qualified jobs and more money as well.
Anyway as you can likely tell, I want to be excited and instead I'm feeling miserable I've been given an opportunity I might not be able to take.
Maybe if I buy a motorcycle jacket people will listen to me?

Vanessa
PS Oh and the incel forum has disappeared. I hope it's just a glitch and comes back, it seems like a really good community.

There's an app for that, right?

Alright, let's split this into sections:
University:
Still freaking out. Not likely to change anytime soon I'd say. Still worried about my age and the fact that I think I act a lot younger due to lack of experience. My sister is still flaky, and my mother is being all passive aggressive at her to top it all off. I'm waiting to see if I get accepted and if I do I'll start some tutoring just so I don't feel all at sea (I hope!), I've also found some free online courses which might be okay too. If I don't get accepted then I need to think about bridging courses or wether or not I want to do something else. At the moment nothing comes to mind.....although I have always wanted to learn how to crochet.....:)
Update: While I was writing this post I got an email, I didn't get into Biomedical, which to be fair I didn't think I would, despite that it always feels like a personal rejection. I hope I hear back about the Science soon, waiting is bad and I want to be able to make plans without this hanging over my head. Crochet it may be after all.
Being social:
No. I ran into an old friend from the popular group I hung out with in high school today, she's always been really nice and still is, we chatted for a bit (she works in aged care now) and I kicked myself after for being the most awkwardest awkward person ever *sigh* I'm so far behind in my social skills already and that added to my reserved nature make me fee like this one is an un-winnable fight. Oh and then I read about Phil Kessel (a hockey player) who got passed up in the draft (this is years ago) because he was 'shy' and seemed 'unlikeable', what did they want him for exactly-to play pro sport or be a movie star? That really pissed me off. People should be judged in their ability not on wether they are 'likeable' or 'shy', not everyone is a gregarious, confident extrovert and why do they have to be if that's not their job? Or maybe I'm just jealous.
Thoughts on romance:

I think a lot of people kid themselves about what compromise in a relationship is-I think compromise is agreeing to throw out a dress he really hates or go to a thai restaurant when you’d like chinese better, I get there are bigger compromises to be made of course, like he wants 10 kids and you want 1 so you compromise on 3, she wants to paint the bedroom hot pink and you want army green therefore you compromise on pale blue cause you both can live with it but I don’t think putting up with being monitored constantly or changing yourself completely is compromise and often I think people are willing to let these kinds of things slip or try to excuse them as compromise due to the stigma society places on being single-sure we say ‘better single than unhappy!’ or ‘you’re better off single than in a bad relationship’ but society does not practice what it preaches, if you are over 30 and say you left a guy because you ‘just’ weren’t happy then maybe you should have tried harder to make it work, finding a guy after 30 is hard you know! Or you’re being too fussy when you leave that guy who wants to know exactly where you are at all times because he was ‘just being protective!’, this is less of an issue for the guys (more women to choose from I guess) if he says ‘I dumped her cause she was crazy’ he’ll probably get a pat on the back-so why not extend the same courtesy to women? Of course there’s the chance that he too will be scolded for dumping Halle because ‘she was so hot! Sure she smashed all your plates, but who cares!’. You dumped a dude because he was in a dead end job and hated his life and was making yours miserable to match? You’re over 30? Good for you! You didn’t go on a second date with that girl who only seemed interested in your salary? Well done! Why should you (male or female) have to put up with verbal abuse or constant fighting or belittlement or someone who disappears for a few days and then won’t tell you where they were or just makes you generally unhappy-guess what? You shouldn’t. Tell aunt Mauve where to go next time she starts telling you ‘you should be married by now’ or ‘why didn’t you give Andrew a second chance? After all he only got arrested that one time!’.

A good example of the single stigma is Cameron Diaz, now for whatever reason by choice or otherwise, Cameron isn’t married and hasn’t had children. Go on google it. You’ll turn up results like ‘Cameron desperate for a family!’ or ‘Cameron perpetual bachelorette! Why she can’t keep a guy!’ sure maybe she is desperate for a family, maybe she is really difficult. But maybe she’s not either, maybe she just isn’t willing to settle for something that doesn’t make her happy, yet those are the headlines. You see similar ones for Jennifer Anniston, she has a boyfriend now but if the press is to believed women with babies should be careful around her as she may try to steal one.

On a side note I’d like to point out that Cameron is a beautiful women and she seems like a really nice person, yet she’s not married and she doesn’t have a family-this is heartening for those of us who think there has to be something ‘wrong’ with us because we have trouble finding partners. I don’t see a thing wrong with Cameron. It just hasn’t happened for her yet. 

I think for goal orientated people relationships can be really frustrating, they are one of the few things that no amount of hard work, practice and discipline can get you. Sure there are things you can do to skew things in your favour, like dating as much as possible, but the fact remains no amount of hard yards are going to make you click with someone, no amount of studying can create chemistry. You can’t ‘train’ to meet someone like you can train for a marathon. It’s frustrating that no matter how hard you’re willing to work there are no guarantees.

 I  also don’t believe in ‘the one’ I think there are lots of ‘the ones’ I think it’s just a matter of meeting them and hitting it off-right place, right time. Which involves a level of luck I’m not really comfortable with given the lack of it in my past. I also realise the older I get the harder it’s going to get. And I’ve yet to find a way to pause time........I’m working on it ;)

I'm also having a hard time feeling validated by myself, I keep wondering who I'm dressing for and if the things I do are as important when I don't have a partner. That I'm not as important because I've never had a partner and might never have one. Who am I living for?

Which brings me to-

Fashion:

I've realised I have multiple personalities when it comes to fashion, namely 'jeans and T-shirt' and 'Girly' (there's also I-might-get-something-gross-on-this-so-I'll-wear-stuff-with-holes-in-it but I don't count it, as its for practicality and no other reason). Here are some examples for you:

Jeans and shirt-this is me 99% of the time (although I don't think I look as cute as these girls), I don't even really have to think about it, I never wear heels or tuck my shirt in though.

And now here's Girly, which is the style I love but have trouble with.....

Now ideally I'd love to do a 50/50 split between girly and jeans, I think that's pretty realistic......maybe? It takes me a lot longer to put together a girly outfit then a jeans outfit. I'm also never sure who I'm dressing for.......I guess I'd like to be noticed just once.
Also I am loving the knee socks and boots thing-pity we're coming up for summer here.
Music:
Apart from Lana Del Rey, diet mountain dew is my favourite at the moment, I'm loving Always by Panama


Now when they bring out that app for time travel I’ll be set.....
That's it for now,
Vanessa

My sister, the flake.

So we went to the uni. It was the most terrifying experience I've had for a while. No, no one said or did anything to me. It was all me. To start there were lots of bright young things wandering around, a sure fire way to make me feel like I want to hide under a rock, to me going to somewhere like this is likely the equivalent for most people of walking through a garden that you know has several tigers in it-in a word terrifying. I felt inadequate and anxious, and that was with 2 people I know, I then got to feeling really disappointed with myself for feeling that way. Will I ever just be able to do anything like normal?
It felt sort of like these last few weeks I've been drifting along thinking that going to uni would be good for me, maybe I could go on exchange (daydreaming about the life I'd like and that maybe could finally start) but being there felt like a huge reality check, like I was being jolted back into my own world, my own body and that those things might never happened. I looked at all the other students and wondered why I'd ever get picked for an exchange anyway. It was horrible I felt self conscious and unhappy.
Then my sister started her usual let-me-make-this-as-difficult-for-everyone-as-possible song and dance, which sucks. She hates her job and wants to quit, spends everyday unhappy and most evenings complaining constantly about her life/job, yet when she gets the opportunity to change it she has to make it as hard as possible or worse still back out-she's driving my mother to distraction, and she lives with me so imagine how bad it is ;) And after yesterday I've realised how unrealistic it was of me for even thinking I could start on my own, I think after a few weeks once the dust settled I'd be okay but to start I think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But my sister is already trying to make things difficult. And it's making me feel pretty mopey as I really want to move forward but I can't rely on her not changing her mind at any moment. That's if I even get in. *sigh*
Then I looked at a few blogs and saw posts with people having fun with friends and felt even sadder.
Maybe it's not the life I'm going to ever have, which seems unfair. Oh and then my mother kindly pointed out how much more normal my sister is than me-I think she meant it in solidarity but I didn't really want to hear it.
Vanessa
Here are some hair styles I like, just to lighten this up a bit!