Still freaking out. Not likely to change anytime soon I'd say. Still worried about my age and the fact that I think I act a lot younger due to lack of experience. My sister is still flaky, and my mother is being all passive aggressive at her to top it all off. I'm waiting to see if I get accepted and if I do I'll start some tutoring just so I don't feel all at sea (I hope!), I've also found some free online courses which might be okay too. If I don't get accepted then I need to think about bridging courses or wether or not I want to do something else. At the moment nothing comes to mind.....although I have always wanted to learn how to crochet.....:)
Update: While I was writing this post I got an email, I didn't get into Biomedical, which to be fair I didn't think I would, despite that it always feels like a personal rejection. I hope I hear back about the Science soon, waiting is bad and I want to be able to make plans without this hanging over my head. Crochet it may be after all.
No. I ran into an old friend from the popular group I hung out with in high school today, she's always been really nice and still is, we chatted for a bit (she works in aged care now) and I kicked myself after for being the most awkwardest awkward person ever *sigh* I'm so far behind in my social skills already and that added to my reserved nature make me fee like this one is an un-winnable fight. Oh and then I read about Phil Kessel (a hockey player) who got passed up in the draft (this is years ago) because he was 'shy' and seemed 'unlikeable', what did they want him for exactly-to play pro sport or be a movie star? That really pissed me off. People should be judged in their ability not on wether they are 'likeable' or 'shy', not everyone is a gregarious, confident extrovert and why do they have to be if that's not their job? Or maybe I'm just jealous.
Thoughts on romance:
I think a lot of people kid themselves about what compromise in a relationship is-I think compromise is agreeing to throw out a dress he really hates or go to a thai restaurant when you’d like chinese better, I get there are bigger compromises to be made of course, like he wants 10 kids and you want 1 so you compromise on 3, she wants to paint the bedroom hot pink and you want army green therefore you compromise on pale blue cause you both can live with it but I don’t think putting up with being monitored constantly or changing yourself completely is compromise and often I think people are willing to let these kinds of things slip or try to excuse them as compromise due to the stigma society places on being single-sure we say ‘better single than unhappy!’ or ‘you’re better off single than in a bad relationship’ but society does not practice what it preaches, if you are over 30 and say you left a guy because you ‘just’ weren’t happy then maybe you should have tried harder to make it work, finding a guy after 30 is hard you know! Or you’re being too fussy when you leave that guy who wants to know exactly where you are at all times because he was ‘just being protective!’, this is less of an issue for the guys (more women to choose from I guess) if he says ‘I dumped her cause she was crazy’ he’ll probably get a pat on the back-so why not extend the same courtesy to women? Of course there’s the chance that he too will be scolded for dumping Halle because ‘she was so hot! Sure she smashed all your plates, but who cares!’. You dumped a dude because he was in a dead end job and hated his life and was making yours miserable to match? You’re over 30? Good for you! You didn’t go on a second date with that girl who only seemed interested in your salary? Well done! Why should you (male or female) have to put up with verbal abuse or constant fighting or belittlement or someone who disappears for a few days and then won’t tell you where they were or just makes you generally unhappy-guess what? You shouldn’t. Tell aunt Mauve where to go next time she starts telling you ‘you should be married by now’ or ‘why didn’t you give Andrew a second chance? After all he only got arrested that one time!’.
A good example of the single stigma is Cameron Diaz, now for whatever reason by choice or otherwise, Cameron isn’t married and hasn’t had children. Go on google it. You’ll turn up results like ‘Cameron desperate for a family!’ or ‘Cameron perpetual bachelorette! Why she can’t keep a guy!’ sure maybe she is desperate for a family, maybe she is really difficult. But maybe she’s not either, maybe she just isn’t willing to settle for something that doesn’t make her happy, yet those are the headlines. You see similar ones for Jennifer Anniston, she has a boyfriend now but if the press is to believed women with babies should be careful around her as she may try to steal one.
On a side note I’d like to point out that Cameron is a beautiful women and she seems like a really nice person, yet she’s not married and she doesn’t have a family-this is heartening for those of us who think there has to be something ‘wrong’ with us because we have trouble finding partners. I don’t see a thing wrong with Cameron. It just hasn’t happened for her yet.
I think for goal orientated people relationships can be really frustrating, they are one of the few things that no amount of hard work, practice and discipline can get you. Sure there are things you can do to skew things in your favour, like dating as much as possible, but the fact remains no amount of hard yards are going to make you click with someone, no amount of studying can create chemistry. You can’t ‘train’ to meet someone like you can train for a marathon. It’s frustrating that no matter how hard you’re willing to work there are no guarantees.
I also don’t believe in ‘the one’ I think there are lots of ‘the ones’ I think it’s just a matter of meeting them and hitting it off-right place, right time. Which involves a level of luck I’m not really comfortable with given the lack of it in my past. I also realise the older I get the harder it’s going to get. And I’ve yet to find a way to pause time........I’m working on it ;)
I'm also having a hard time feeling validated by myself, I keep wondering who I'm dressing for and if the things I do are as important when I don't have a partner. That I'm not as important because I've never had a partner and might never have one. Who am I living for?
Which brings me to-
I've realised I have multiple personalities when it comes to fashion, namely 'jeans and T-shirt' and 'Girly' (there's also I-might-get-something-gross-on-this-so-I'll-wear-stuff-with-holes-in-it but I don't count it, as its for practicality and no other reason). Here are some examples for you:
Jeans and shirt-this is me 99% of the time (although I don't think I look as cute as these girls), I don't even really have to think about it, I never wear heels or tuck my shirt in though.
And now here's Girly, which is the style I love but have trouble with.....
Also I am loving the knee socks and boots thing-pity we're coming up for summer here.
Apart from Lana Del Rey, diet mountain dew is my favourite at the moment, I'm loving Always by Panama
Now when they bring out that app for time travel I’ll be set.....
That's it for now,