Happy birthday man

Tomorrow I turn 28. Every year for some reason I expect to be in a completely different place in life by my next birthday-oddly no matter how many things I do I feel much the same. I have a few more friends than this time last year. I have plans with a couple of friends, again more than I had this time last year. I'm living somewhere new, albeit still with my mother. I'm 2 weeks off completing my first term of school. I've just completed my 10th C25K run, so am about halfway. I've signed up to a tough mudder. But as much as everything has changed it's stayed the same, I still feel nervous around people, I feel stupid on a more than regular basis, I'm never content with how I look, I still haven't got my drivers licence and I definitely don't have a boyfriend or the prospect of one.
Also I have an english test tomorrow. Happy birthday right?

Vanessa

I had to post about this

I be crazy

So I got my first assignment back, 72% or in a B-. Good right? Wrong. The more I think about it the more I panic-was it a fluke? Is the assignment I just handed in awful and not even a 10th as good? Will I ever get a better mark? Is that mark good enough? Can I keep that level? Am I crazy? Probably.
It's so weird. Why do I do this?! Why worry about stuff I can't change? I promised myself I'd be happy with a pass-this is better than a pass-but suddenly I want to do better and I'm worried I'll quit if I don't. I need to learn to be happy with 'okay' not 'perfect'.
Vanessa

Confidence: where do you get that?

Hi everyone!
Next week will be my 7th week of school, I have done 2 english assignments, 1 biology assignment and 1 math assignment-no results on any of these yet but I hope I passed! It's hard to believe term one of four is almost over-2 more weeks to go! Unfortunately these 2 weeks contain 3 exams, I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it-and then I have 2 weeks holidays! I've made it this far which feels like an achievement, even if it's only a small one. I do feel like maybe I haven't studied enough, which I always feel no matter how much I've done, and sometimes it all seems like french to me. I just hope I pass. People have noticed I stress out and doubt myself over assignments something fierce and its always embarrassing when people notice that kind of thing :(

But onto confidence. I don't have any and I hate it. It casts shadows over my whole life, love things that should be fun and exciting. Examples? Gladly: my mum wants to go on a holiday in, well, the holidays to QLD. At first I was really excited-a beach holiday! Snorkelling the great barrier reef! Stand up paddle boarding! And then I realised I have to wear swimmers and I suddenly wasn't excited at all anymore. A bit like my school work it doesn't matter how thin or fit or hairless I am I always feel like it's 'not enough' and feel self conscious and unhappy-cuts out lots of fun I could be having and that makes me really sad :( And I really have no idea what to do about it.
Another example would be an exercise class I tagged along to with my mum, I nearly turned tail and went home to change into loose pants as I didn't want anyone to see me in my exercise tights. Despite the fact that everyone else was wearing them. Why do I feel that way?!
And lastly me and my sister are going to Europe in July and I'm worried about not being able to do things on my own if she's being difficult, I also want to wear some dresses but I'm worried about feeling to self conscious and it ruining the trip :(
I'm so sick of over thinking all the time! I just want to be carefree and enjoy life, why is that so hard?

Vanessa

Essay? No way.

Argh. So I've learnt a few things lately, the most important of which is that I'm not a writer. At all. Even when I want to write (i.e. this blog) I tend to be a bit slapdash at it, it often doesn't make a whole lot of sense. On here that doesn't matter too much.....you guys love me anyway right? But essays? Oh my god. They slay me. And I have what seems like an unreasonable amount of the suckers. So I've basically just come to say essays suck, anyone else have serious trouble writing an essay that doesn't look like a complete mess? I hope I'm not the only one.
Also they say starting is the hardest part. They lied.
Vanessa

Guys: I am still alive

I feel like it's been ages! Sorry for the neglect. I am still alive, I have not met some fabulous dude and eloped, I have, however, managed to make a friend 10 years younger than me. It's kind of confusing, And somewhat embarrassing seeing as I seem to fit in better with an 18 year old than with my peers *shrugs* I've signed up for the leadership group with some prompting and I've also signed up for a tough mudder. I have gone quietly insane I suspect. I was already struggling with time management and then I went and did that-but seizing the opportunity has been something I've never done. Maybe this is it? I don't feel anymore in control than I did before and oddly enough the more people I'm in contact with the more weird about it I get: I'm all 'do they hate me?', 'am I whatsapping them too much?', 'do they really mean that?', 'do they really want to hang out?' so on and forth pretty much non-stop. It's exhausting. And then I worry over the school work too. Round and round I go. But this is my forth week, I've handed in one assignment, I've gone to dinner with my new friend and I'm hoping to get my licence in April. I've also made plans for a road trip with one online friend and plans to meet another two. This is progress I guess? I don't feel any different yet. I'm still tempted somedays just to retreat back into my comfy little shell, but then I remind myself how miserable I was there and that the world won't wait. I want to do so many things, maybe this is the start?

Vanessa
PS when I get all super stressed out I tend to get a bit obsessive about something. In this case it's wash tape. It's on everything. I love it. I guess it's not too bad as obsessions go......

I suck at time management

It's becoming very clear: I should never, ever be put in charge of trying to schedule my own time. I suck at it. I have a few things I'm meant to do before next lesson.......I have no idea when to do them. On the weekend? But its the weekend! When I get home? Nah too tired. On my half day off? Maybe, are there laws about that? In other words I agonise when the 'best time' is, spend even more time worrying that I'll never have any free time again (note: worrying time could be free time. But that's how I roll) and thus get nothing done leading to a mad panic. It's super.
I really need to get it sorted though, it only the start and I'm only going to get more stuff, and I'm only doing 3 courses-some of the people in my class are doing 6 and working part time. They are either much better at time management than me, need less downtime than me or are aliens. Equal bets all ways I say.
Anyway my first week is done, so far english has been okay (and I met a nice girl to sit with!), math is in that iffy grey area: we did graphs the first week and I'm okay (on my math scale okay=not panic inducing, minimal sweating and only 20% stupid mistakes) at graphs but obviously we'll be doing other stuff so this may change, biology has been the worst for a few reasons:
*The teacher: He's really nice but I like someone to explain exactly what they want me to do, he's more of the 'read this, discuss with classmates and get answer' this doesn't work so great for me.
*The material: this is stuff I've never covered before in any form (even with math at least I'd seen/made a graph before) and theres a lot of it. That's hard for me and I felt a bit lost at least twice in the class.
*The other students: I'd say 90% of them have taken biology in some context before, they seem to know a lot of the course content for example before today I'd never heard of Eukaryotic or Prokaryotic cells (handy hint: the difference is Eukaryotic cells have nucleus and organelle membranes! Or at least I think that was it.....) but the class was discussing them as if they already knew about them. I freaked out a little bit. Also there was some math involved that I didn't know (volume, area and then dividing them to get.....I've forgotten, but you get the picture) which put me on the spot and made me uncomfortable. I hate looking stupid in front of other people.

Anyway that's the lay of the land for now. I still feel unsteady and unsure but I hope it'll get better.

Vanessa