Thursday 5 September 2013

Things are changing

My sister is moving. She'll be more than a day's car ride away (About 1000 kms away), it's unlikely we'll see her much, as much as she drives me nuts sometimes she's also the main driving force behind outings and shopping trips and I'm going to miss her. I'm not a phone person so I'll likely only be getting updates via my mum who talks to her on the phone often. In some ways I'll be glad not to see my niece grow up, she's 10, I'm sure by the time she's 13 she'll have had more boyfriends than me, it makes me feel awful to think like that but I really can't help it. And I definitely don't want a front seat view for it either. It also makes me worry even more about trying to gain my independence-my mother will really be by herself (if I could ever leave anyway, it seems a long way away) and 30mins from any town. I've noticed her driving is getting worse lately and it stresses me out that she'd be on her own. But then she's also talking about moving (but then she's been talking about it for the last 6 years...) and she keeps saying 'you'll want x in the new house' and 'there's a university nearby, that'd be great for you!' and although I appreciate her including me I also feel bad about it because it makes me feel like I'm never going to have my own life, my own happiness and if everyone else can see that maybe I should just give up. I know thats not what she means, that she's just telling me there's a place for me with her, but it just makes me feel hopeless and trapped. *sigh* Me and her are also planning a trip to Canada sometime, going from coast to coast, somedays I feel really excited about it and others I feel like I should be doing it by myself not with my mum. But how likely is that? I really want to get my work visa and work overseas for a couple years, maybe even get a dual citizenship, but how can I do that when I can't even go grocery shopping on my own?  How could I make friends and new connections when I'm so horribly, painfully shy? Is it just my escapism talking? Am I chasing a feeling I'll never have? I have made some small steps for improving myself, I'm in the process of getting my licence (finally) and I've made myself buy a few things by myself, which seems huge! It seems like such a long road from where I am now to where I want to be. And sometimes an impossible one. Ah to be normal, I wish!  I found this quote in a book (Vegabonding: an uncommon guide to the art of long-term world travel by Rolf Potts):
And so I stand among you as one that offers a small message of hope, that first, there are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence.
Thomas Merton, the asian journal of Tomas Merton
Am I one of these people? Undoubtably, minus the free-floating bit. Is it by my own choice? Decidedly not. As a side note people who claim the above always seem to have a ready gaggle of friends and numerous boyfriends/girlfriends. I think they think it sounds romantic, little do they realise the harsh reality of it.
Anyway we're coming up to Summer here in Aus (well in a few months but you know what I mean), and I think Lana Del Rey has captured it perfectly:


I've got that summertime sadness too.
Vanessa
PS Some links for the girls: cute hair ties I've discovered https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320225?ref=fb2_tnx_title and https://www.etsy.com/au/transaction/147320061?ref=fb2_tnx_title also these are really cheap and simple to make (I'm going to have a go at it) http://www.ohsoprettythediaries.com/2012/08/the-diy-no-fray-emi-jay-inspired-hair.html or http://www.loveumadly.com/2012/07/diy-hair-bands-in-every-color/
Also just discovered these: http://www.cleava.com/Default.asp for when you want to wear a low top/dress but don't want to layer with a camisole or tank. Super cute and very handy too!

6 comments:

  1. I feel like I want to give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be alright in the end but I know I can't guarantee that for everyone, just as I can't for myself. It sounds though like you're taking some positive steps, just keep doing what you're doing and you'll get there! ;-)

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    1. Thanks :) Right back at you :)) It's a bit of a kick in the teeth realising that it doesn't work out for some people isn't it? I really didn't get that until I was about 24 or so. Talk about a late bloomer! I was watching some show and someone had died alone in their flat and hadn't been discovered for a couple of months, it really upset me, and it really clicked into place for me-it doesn't happen for everyone, and no amount of 'it'll happen!' will make it so. Incidentally I still find those types of news stories really distressing.
      Vanessa
      PS I seem to keep forgetting to press the reply button and pressing the new comment one instead *sigh*

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  2. Your sister leaving might force you to start doing activities on your own. It's a positive, even though you'll miss her like crazy at first. You're taking baby steps toward building your independence. It will happen!

    I understand about not wanting to see your niece grow up. I'm the eldest grandchild on both sides of by family, and it's been really hard to see cousins that I'm almost a decade older than developing faster than I have. I really want to start distancing myself from them not only for my freedom, but not to become "the weird" cousin.

    "Trapped." That's how I feel about being so close to my family, and guilty for wanting to get away.

    Love the quote, but instead of "free-floating," I'm adrift and lost.

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    1. I wrote a reply to this and it got eaten *grumbles*
      Anyway I'm not entirely sure we don't do a lot together, except the occasional shopping trip to the city, maybe a festival a year or so. It's also a bit irritating because we were considering carpooling to university.
      Yeah I don't want to become the weird aunt, that her and her friends all gossip and snicker about, 'she's never had a boyfriend or even left home!' 'really? But she's sooo old!'. Yeah just no.
      I also understand the whole trapped but guilty phenomena, it's the worst, eh?
      That quote really resonated with me and I thought others in our position might feel that way too :)
      Vanessa

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  3. I totally get what you mean about your mom. My younger sister is married and often gets a free pass on doing things for my parents because she has a life now...a life that includes a husband and in-laws and other responsibilities and obligations. Because I'm single, my parents lean heavily on me...and I feel like we're a package deal, sometimes.

    Too often, I find myself looking at them from across a dining room table and thinking, "These are the people I'm growing old with."

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    1. Yeah that's it, but the problem is they are growing old with you-say they live until their 80's you'll still be in your early 50's when they're gone and therein lays the real problem, where are your friends and support network? Where are the people you'll grow old with? *sigh* I don't resent her for it but I do wish I had my own life.
      Vanessa
      PS I did it again and instead of replying started a new comment *bangs head against desk*

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