Anyway I just had a bad day (a bad couple of days even), I just felt blah and had some stuff to do I didn't want to, had to listen to how my 10 year old niece is the pinnacle of civilisation to this point (or in my mothers words 'one of our family is normal! Can you believe it!) and deal with my ever reticent sister. So yeah, I just wasn't feeling it at all I'm afraid. Add to that the usual cute couple sitings, pics of the pregnant friend and just everybody's life but mine being more exciting/useful/happy it was pretty crappy. I've been also been having that 'is there any point nothing will ever change' feeling that I get sometimes-the feeling that there's no point anticipating or looking forward to anything because 1 it will likely never happen and 2 the reality is always very different to the dream-and not in a good way.
I sold a few excess animal things I had hanging around and bought a apple laptop with the proceedings, I really love it, it's meant to be for uni but I don't really know how much people use laptops at uni. Anyway it's nice and shiny and I'm sure I'll find something to use it for. I also found a really good recipe for a trifle for christmas, my mum loves them so I'll be making one for her.
I've also added these boots to my if-I-ever-get-to-Canada wish list:
I like the tall ones but the others are cute too. I'm also thinking of adding some Keds (which incidentally is also the name of a sheep parasite in england. Thank god we don't have them here!) to my shoe collection, somehow they seem like a classier version of converse.......anyhow they look nice with shorts, dresses and jeans-I think anyway:
That's it for now :)
Vanessa
Your blog is your place to share your thoughts and experiences. No matter if it's to vent or express your happiness.
ReplyDelete"I've been also been having that 'is there any point nothing will ever change' feeling that I get sometimes-the feeling that there's no point anticipating or looking forward to anything because 1 it will likely never happen and 2 the reality is always very different to the dream-and not in a good way."
Same here, but I use it as a self-defense mechanism. I'm just over setting myself up for heartbreak. Even the smallest negative experience triggers those feelings within me. But I had a string of really bad luck this year without enough positive experiences to counterbalance. What are your triggers?
I was showing my mother Thanksgiving pictures of my roommate from college who got married last year and had her first baby a couple months ago. "Oh, wow. She's changed so much. You're the only one the stays the same." : /
Reply is below. Somehow I managed to do a new comment. Again.
Delete"I'm just over setting myself up for heartbreak."
ReplyDeleteYeah that's part of it for me too. I used to get really excited anticipating things, I no longer do. What's the point when it never works out the way you think or hope? Like for example Uni and maybe going on exchange-I should be excited, but instead I'm just resigned. What are the chances of things changing? What are the chances of me actually getting to go on exchange? This may be an irrational way of thinking but I'm rarely disappointed.
Things that set me off? People in groups having fun, friends laughing and talking on the phone, couples being affectionate all can set me off if I'm feeling a bit fragile. Watching my niece grow up being a perfectly normal and popular human being has been a hell of a lot harder then I thought, I don't begrudge her an easy happy life but I just wish I'd gotten one too. I keep having visions of being her old dried up maiden aunt at her wedding :( I feel like I should have more friends (I only have 3, and we're lucky if we talk once a month), I feel that everyone else has more friends/a better life than me-that can leave me in a mope for days. Only way it'll change is if I change it, which I'm trying to do, but I'm scared of really trying, failing and then having no hope left at all.
I know exactly how you feel :( 'I stay the same' is the theme of my life.
I'm glad for the internet though, I now have what I consider friends or kindred spirits at least to talk too-I hope you feel the same :)
Vanessa
It is really hard getting into exchange programs? Or are you worried about your anxiety and actually being able to leave home?
ReplyDelete"Only way it'll change is if I change it, which I'm trying to do, but I'm scared of really trying, failing and then having no hope left at all."
Same here. I just left a comment on neverhadaboyfriend's last post about a common personality trait among us, risky aversion. We're more inclined to passively stay on the sidelines and wait patiently for things to happen. I'm starting to feel that the only way things will change for me is to do something extreme. It might lead to failure but at least that will be a different kind of regret. Won't be left wondering, "what if?"
Well it's doable but as someone who never loved school it's a daunting prospect, you need a GPA of 4.5 out of 7. But really the anxiety and actually being able to leave home is a much, much bigger challenge for me. I'm trying to be braver and just 'go' with it more-but it's hard.
DeleteYep that's exactly me, on the sidelines, you've described it perfectly. What are you thinking about doing? And yes I don't want to be left with only 'what ifs'.
Vanessa
Oh, no. My comment was gobbled up.
ReplyDeleteNo plans to do anything right now. Just be less inhibited, not so sensible.
Well thats my plan too so it must be a good one :)
DeleteVanessa