Friday 1 November 2013

My sister, the flake.

So we went to the uni. It was the most terrifying experience I've had for a while. No, no one said or did anything to me. It was all me. To start there were lots of bright young things wandering around, a sure fire way to make me feel like I want to hide under a rock, to me going to somewhere like this is likely the equivalent for most people of walking through a garden that you know has several tigers in it-in a word terrifying. I felt inadequate and anxious, and that was with 2 people I know, I then got to feeling really disappointed with myself for feeling that way. Will I ever just be able to do anything like normal?
It felt sort of like these last few weeks I've been drifting along thinking that going to uni would be good for me, maybe I could go on exchange (daydreaming about the life I'd like and that maybe could finally start) but being there felt like a huge reality check, like I was being jolted back into my own world, my own body and that those things might never happened. I looked at all the other students and wondered why I'd ever get picked for an exchange anyway. It was horrible I felt self conscious and unhappy.
Then my sister started her usual let-me-make-this-as-difficult-for-everyone-as-possible song and dance, which sucks. She hates her job and wants to quit, spends everyday unhappy and most evenings complaining constantly about her life/job, yet when she gets the opportunity to change it she has to make it as hard as possible or worse still back out-she's driving my mother to distraction, and she lives with me so imagine how bad it is ;) And after yesterday I've realised how unrealistic it was of me for even thinking I could start on my own, I think after a few weeks once the dust settled I'd be okay but to start I think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But my sister is already trying to make things difficult. And it's making me feel pretty mopey as I really want to move forward but I can't rely on her not changing her mind at any moment. That's if I even get in. *sigh*
Then I looked at a few blogs and saw posts with people having fun with friends and felt even sadder.
Maybe it's not the life I'm going to ever have, which seems unfair. Oh and then my mother kindly pointed out how much more normal my sister is than me-I think she meant it in solidarity but I didn't really want to hear it.
Vanessa
Here are some hair styles I like, just to lighten this up a bit!

hair


10 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is being difficult. Going to school is a big change, and it can be stressful enough without someone trying to cause additional problems. And everyone I've known who's started a new school feels overwhelmed and terrified at the beginning. I certainly did, but I loved it by the end. I'd say try not to be too hard on yourself. You went for one day, and that was a big step. The other big steps, like an exchange, will come later.

    Just my two cents. :-) Best of luck!

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  2. It sounds like you're saying that if your sister could be more helpful and supportive at the start of your time at university then you might be more confident about it after a few weeks. Does your sister understand how difficult you find these things? Might she be able and willing to make a big effort to be helpful and supportive just for a little while?

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  3. That is indeed exactly what I'm saying :) My sister likes a good drama and she knows all about me-here's the rub, my sister won't do anything for anyone else unless she's getting something out of it, I'm not exaggerating at all, it's all about her. Always has been. And the only time she brings up my various little quirks are to belittle me. So i'm not getting excited about the whole uni thing yet as there's a good chance she'll do something to stuff it up for me........before I would've said she didn't do it on purpose it was just the way she is.....but these last couple of years a few things have happened that make me wonder if that's true.....I'll give her the benefit of the doubt in the meantime anyway.
    The worst part is I've done her tonnes of favours that didn't benefit me in the slightest at best and at worst that I really didn't want to do but did anyway just to help her out-I don't think she appreciates that in the slightest, I think she just expects it. These last few years have only cemented the fact that we are two very different people.
    Vanessa

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    1. This reminds me of the quote "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" - it's really just down to luck who you end up with. I'm sure your family have their good qualities too but it sucks that your sister is self-centred like this.

      You said that when you went to the uni you were with two people you knew - who was the other one? I'm guessing either your mum or a friend. Could that person come with you sometimes in the first few weeks if you get in? I know it might not be the easiest thing to organise, but maybe there's some way, and you could just say that they're interested in hearing some lectures/classes or something.

      When I started uni I found it difficult too but something that helped me get through was reminding myself that I could quit at any time. Often I find it easier to do things if I can see how to get out of them if necessary. If I'd had to commit 100% to 3 years of uni or quit on the spot, I think I would have quit on the spot. Actually I did come close to quitting several times, but each time I ended up deciding just to think it over some more, and in the end I stayed. But the knowledge that I had the choice to quit any time was crucial.

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    2. LOL yep 100% true-don't get me wrong I love my family, but some days I'd gladly strangle my sister :)

      You guessed it I took good ole mum, I can't really expect her to come with me for the first few weeks-the first day I could probably swing it-but it also might be a bit alienating having to bring my mum along....*sigh* I hate being trapped by myself-I know I need to push on if I'm to get anywhere.

      Yes being able to quit always helps. I do want to succeed but I won't give myself a nervous breakdown over it either. It can be a bit of a double edged sword though cause it's tempting to think 'this is tough. I quit!' instead of persevering-I think I need a limit like 'if I feel like I'm going to go crazy, then I'll quit'.

      My game plan right now is to wait and see if I get in, if I do then I'll start planning some bridging tutoring and start trying to get myself in the right headspace (and hope my sister goes for at least the first few weeks), if I don't then I'll have to think about wether or not I want to do a pathway, if so which one etc, and if I don't then I'll have to think about what I should do next.
      Vanessa

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  4. Hey Vanessa, I wish I could comment on your blog more often than I do. I've been reading all your posts and just wanted to express my encouragement for all your endeavors, especially uni. Although it's daunting, I think doing uni will do you a world of good and set you in the right direction. I'm sorry your sister wasn't more helpful...she actually sounds a little like the sisters of two friends I know...so you are not the only one with that type of situation. Also am loving the fashion pics in your posts.

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    1. Hey right back :) I love your blog, I think it was the first one I ever read. Thanks, I appreciate you saying that, sisters can be both the best and the worst LOL
      I'm glad you like the fashion snippets-sometimes I wonder if I'm a walking disaster and it's always nice to hear I have some taste ;)
      Vanessa

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  5. Is your sister older or younger than you? The "it's all about me" thingy I think exists in all sibling relationships. I have a sister too, love her to death but she has this ability to frustrate me to the point no one else can. I think its like what Matt said, that you choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

    Anyways, good luck at uni. I know being surrounded by by kids can be daunting. I overheard a bunch of kids teasing another one for being old (he was turning 20) and started wondering why I decided to come back to school. But in the end it's been good. I am sure you will have fun and meet interesting people along the way, and it will all work out for the best =)

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    1. She's 10 years older then me.
      Argh that's exactly what I mean! I don't want to feel old when I've barely experienced anything yet :(
      Vanessa

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