Well things are a little bit different to what I expected…..

We're about to go into 2015 and I'm still in limbo. To be honest I really thought what what was stopping me form doing 'stuff' (everything from school to making friends) was my attachment to the farm and my reluctance to leave. I don't have that reason anymore and I'm still no further ahead. To be honest I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop there I haven't really felt all that different since we left........it's made me realise that I was just as unhappy there, that I hadn't felt 'home' or content or happy anywhere and for a really long time. Unfortunately the hope that moving might be a catalyst of change has not really worked out the way I expected, I can feel myself settling back into old habits and it scares me. I'm still conflicted and worse I'm more nervous around people than I have been in a while-I can't even seem to get a polite greeting out with out blushing, mumbling, looking at my feet and then fleeing at the first available opportunity. Not cute. And also really frustrating, I can only hope it's just s knee jerk reaction to feeling so unsettled and I'll move past it......if I don't I think maybe a small cabin in the woods would be appropriate.
I'm chasing myself in circles, I should just try something and then adjust the gameplay as I go, but I seem too paralysed to make that first step-not only am I driving myself crazy (and also possibly anyone who reads my blog....) I'm also driving my mum crazy too. Damn it I just want to pull it together, I'm running on a clock now, I haven't got 'a few years' to make a decision, I need to make one now if I'm going to achieve any of my dreams.......and here I am stopping myself. Isn't anxiety grand? Making lives difficult since the beginning of human kind.

I'm beginning also to question the whole boyfriend thing. As in I may not be asexual but I'm thinking I'm definitely not as sexual as some people, most people anyway, I can see a guy and think he's attractive (important note: the same way I can see a girl is attractive but I don't feel attracted) but I don't automatically jump to any kind of sexual thoughts.........do I want a close relationship? Yes. Do I want a sexual relationship? I think I do, how can I really know? I don't have any experiences or expectations to draw from so it's almost impossible to tell-kind of like asking someone if they like spinach if they've never had it. I'm guessing I'll need some sexual experiences to know....and I'm not likely to be having any any time soon. Maybe I actually need to know someone to think about those things? Maybe a fleeting look isn't enough for me to get going? Or maybe I'll never get going? Another confusing issue to mull over.

2014 in rear-view:
* nothing new on the romance front
* sold the farm and moved house for the very first time
* agonised over what I should do next
* went to Canada and thought it was pretty awesome
* got a new phone (which turned me into a rage machine for a few days!)
* got my first car.....still need to get my full licence though, I have my L plates
* rescued a calf
* rescued a magpie
* rescued a bat
* wrangled a brown snake baby
* started talking about travelling with my sister to Europe
* thought a lot and felt inadequate a lot

I've ordered a new planner for next year, I feel kind of guilty going so because what if I don't need it? If I don't end up going to school I won't really be needing it. I don't know really.

I read an article the other day about an 18 year old girl going to college who was going to play college sport too, she'd been living away since she was 14-while I can't imagine that (I couldn't see being close to your family it that situation....but maybe you develop stronger outside relationships?)-I felt so ashamed of myself for my lack of life, here was this girl who's got everything going for her, who worked for it, and here I am to scared to do anything :(

I'll leave off with this song:

Which is both wonderful to listen to and thought provoking, it could be applied to any religion or clique really-the frowning down on others for being different wether it be sexuality, way of dress, race or just not being 'like'.

Vanessa

I'm so good at confusing myself

I really should be advising others on how to do it! Asking other peoples opinion seems to just leave me even more confused than I was to start with……….in other words I have no idea what I should be doing! It’s times like these I miss the incel forums-lots of other people who understand where you’re coming from and willing to give you advice. But then again that just seems to confuse me……
Even my mum and sister have different opinions and it’s just so confusing! And then sometimes my mum comes out with something that makes me question the whole thing. Then I wonder if I’m not doing that then what am I doing? Nothing probably.
So.Confusing.
Maybe I’ll just go sulk for a bit. I don’t even need to take a course for that ;)

Vanessa

PS anyone have any news on the incel forums?

OKAY GUYS HERE’S A POLL-TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT YEAR!

In other news I rescued a tiny little bat that was caught in the fence, I took him to the vet but I don’t think he’ll make it :( I really like those little micro-bats, they’re really cute………I’ve never had one bite me but you’re meant to have a rabies vaccine if you handle bats in case you catch the hendra virus which is basically 100% fatality rate. I haven’t had my shot but I couldn’t leave him there, luckily the little micro-bats don’t tend to try and bite much! Anyway I’m looking forward to seeing what other people think about my options for the coming year :) Vanessa

Terror in Sydney and a brown snake in the lounge

Today has been a surreal day. Firstly there is a Lindt cafe in the Sydney CBD being held hostage by an assumed islamic extremist terrorist-I think we can all assume he's an islamic extremist but he may not be affiliated in any way. In other words he's (hopefully) working alone which will (hopefully) make the situation easier to control. There are no guarantees and it's a nearly non-existent terrorist situation that ends well-but fingers crossed for those being held hostage. I've been sort of expecting a terror attack of some sort but this still managed to shock me. This is Australia and it's no longer untouched by terror.

Also today we had a baby brown snake (about 30cms long and just as venomous as a big fella) turn up in our lounge room. We rang around to try and find someone to catch him, but in the end no one could come so we had to catch him ourselves.......I gently popped him in a bucket with a fire poker. So now we have a brown snake in a bucket......not ideal......in the end we couldn't find anyone to take him so we took him to a nearby creek and let him go. I'm hoping we don't have an encore.

I wonder if this is how Canadians feel when they find a bear in the hot tub........

Vanessa

You are alone

I often wonder how many people understand what it's like to be alone. My world of people is 2. I can hear people saying 'surely there are more than that!' but no. Not at all. There are 2 people I can call if I need them, both are family and neither will be there forever for various reasons. So. Yeah.
I know other people to say 'hi' to when we bump into each other but I don't have numbers, or emails or regular meetups. I have 3 peoples numbers who don't have  a professional association. 1 I hear from once a year, 1 I hear from if she has some big news or wants to judge my life choices/plans, the last 1 I talk to more often but she never contacts me I always initiate. I have 4 whatsapp/email friends 3 from this blog and 1 who stayed at our old place as a backpacker (but contact with her is sporadic at best). That's my social world. I don't have Christmas parties or birthday invites or, well, any social engagements of any kind. It's depressing. What makes it worse is I'm scared to take the steps that might gain me any kind of social life.....then again maybe I'll just never have one no matter how hard I try?

My mum actually managed to hurt my feelings today, I'm sure she didn't mean too, my friend (the big news/life choices one) sent a Christmas card to me from her and her new boyfriend. My mum has been on about it ever since, 'I wonder what he's like', 'she'll be getting married soon, maybe you'll be a bridesmaid?', 'she'll have some kids too soon' none of this was in a 'whats with you?!' way just a general statement of the situation......then she says 'oh she'll hang onto this one, she's getting old, she'll be worried about being left on the shelf. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I even think it's better in a lot of ways!' from the women who was married 32 years. I wanted to cry, and not much makes me cry, basically I'm old and going to be left on the shelf. Not that thats a bad thing! Even my mum can see my hopelessness-and she basically has to see me in a good light.

Merry frickin' Christmas y'all.

Vanessa

Hopes, dreams, disappointment and disillusionment

Here are a few things I hope to do one day, first up SUP or stand up paddle boarding:

SUP by alifelivedalone on Polyvore

looks like fun doesn't it? Secondly snorkelling:

snorkel by alifelivedalone on Polyvore

I realise the pic with the whale shark is actually scuba diving but the sentiment is the same-it looks like fun! Thirdly, hows about some canoeing?:

canoe by alifelivedalone on Polyvore

I think wilderness canoeing adventure would be pretty amazing. Fourthly, stay at a cabin with a lake with a swim raft:

swim raft by alifelivedalone on Polyvore

You have no idea how long it took me to find out what they were called....lets just say way too long.....embarrassing. But I think a few days at a lake with some friends would be amazing. Fifthly, snowboarding!:

snowboard by alifelivedalone on Polyvore

I also wouldn't mind trying out surfing one day although its not as high on my list as the others mentioned:

surf by alifelivedalone featuring a bikini swimwear

You've probably noticed that these are mostly water sports, I think this has something to do with my deep love of water as a youngster: I learnt to swim at 3 and was rarely out of the water until about 12 (when self consciousness set in).....if I could let go of that I just know I'd love getting back in the water, with ample sunblock of course! These are the kind of images that speak to me, they touch my soul somehow, make me want:

beach life by alifelivedalone featuring a brazilian bottom bikini

Maybe its the implied carefree confidence they imply? I don't know but it sure looks good! Looking at these pics it's hard not to think about body image and fitness, the girl with the plait in these pics has pretty much my dream body:

C2 fit by alifelivedalone on Polyvore

I don't know if it's just me but fitness talk always confuses me: on one hand someone will be saying 'cardio!', another 'no! Weights only!', another will say 'weights and HIT cardio!' and then there's the whole healthy eating can of worms! Ah so confusing! I'll say I'm lucky, I can eat what I want and not get outside a healthy BMI, I stay somewhere around a size AU 12 US 8.....on the downside I can loose 10 kgs and still be the same dress size! I guess thats the trade off. Being a healthy BMI doesn't make me fit though, I'm a bit soft I guess, I'd like to get fit but I tend to overthink the whole thing and give up before I begin *sigh* And staying fit whilst traveling seems hard....see the overthinking there? 
This is a good read for ladies struggling with body image: http://mollygalbraith.com/2014/03/cellulite-stretch-marks-and-a-love-your-body-challenge/ All those girls are beautiful.....but are they perfect? Nope. Does it make them any less attractive? Nope. Rock on ladies. 

 The disappointment and disillusionment of this post? The fact that I'll probably never do a single one of these things. Or even if I do that I'll never be able to enjoy them. 
I just want to enjoy life.......please universe? 
 Until next time, Vanessa

The questing beast

The last few weeks have been hard. Somewhat enlightening, but mostly just hard. And not necessarily in the way I anticipated.
Moving was stressful and hectic and hard, it's over now and weirdly enough I have no really strong feelings about any of it (apart from never wanting to see a box again) and that, my friends, freaks me out-that's how emotionally dulled I am, I literally just don't care. Thats bad on so many levels. The only thing that gets any fight out of me these days is if I feel one of the critters needs me, thats about it. I could care less about my self really, and thats left me a bit shell shocked to be honest-what is the point really if I don't care? I told my mother this and she said it 'sounded bad, like depression' and maybe it is-I'm so far in I can't even see the forest for the trees maybe. Maybe some of my lack of motivation stems from this. Or maybe I'm just lazy. F*ck if I know. Who even is this person I've become?
I guess the best way to describe it is if I could look at my future I just see a big long blank-sure I do what I have to to live but theres not much commitment beyond that and I mostly do that to please other people (my family basically), but I feel a serious disconnect even from them lately, whenever I make plans I don't really get excited or enjoy making them-I can't see any thing changing so I just go through the motions, but really it's that excitement, anticipation and motivation that make you succeed so without them it's all for naught. Anyway it's a weird realisation to come to and I'm not quite sure what to do about it as yet.

I also recently read a story that mentioned another story, it used the questing beast (from the once and future king) as a metaphor for obsession: you spend your life hunting the beast, it consumes you, then for whatever reason you can't hunt for a while, this in turn affects the beast, who without you hunting him, feeding him your obsession, get's ill, where upon you find the beast......but instead of slaying it and ending the cycle you nurse it to health and then start hunting it again. You hunt the beast, the beast feeds off your obsession and the circle remains complete. In the story the point was that if you stop feeding your beast (your obsession, whatever it may be) it will die. The story did a better job of describing it than that but I felt a deep level of recognition with that description-anxiety is my beast and I feed him well. I need to stop and let him die-easier said then done!
Having not read the questing beast I can't say how accurate that metaphor is (googling makes me think it may be more of a metaphor for frivolity and bloodlust *shrugs*)-but from now on in my mind any consuming obsession, good or bad, will be visualised as a questing beast :) All fangs and claws and hidden dangers.

In other news the incel forum has gone down again, if anyone from there reads tis drop me an email and let me know whats going on, if not I guess I'll just keep an eye out and hope it pops up again.

I've been loving Julia and Angus Stone these last few days:

http://youtu.be/VEmqd8-sJco

 On that note,
Vanessa

Get it right, get it tight

I'm not so great at getting what is in my head onto paper, but I try! So, sorry if this doesn't make as much sense as it should.
It's all in your head. Confidence that is. What's the difference between girls who wear tight clothes and bikinis? You may say weight or attractiveness.....but I'm thinking you'd be wrong-the main difference is confidence. There are tiny girls covering up and curvy ones rocking itsy bitsy bikinis, some people have enough confidence to say 'I deserve to be here' and it goes from wearing a tight dress or enrolling in a high ranking school or trying out for a sporting team-and that attitude goes a long way. Of course there are pretty girls who know it and take full advantage of it as well, perfectly made-up, hair tousled artfully posed on a beach showing off their pretty tans and perfect bodies, taking instergram photos in the car on the way to work, tagging themselves in facebook pics, happily mugging in holiday snaps and posing in family photos-confident they'll come out looking lovely with no fear of not recognizing themselves or even worse hating what they see. I'll admit I'm extremely envious of these girls, the ones who are confident enough not to care and the ones who are beautiful enough to never know how it feels to hate what you see in the mirror. Lately I've realized I may never escape this feeling of dissatisfaction I have in myself, in the way I look, I compare myself to my sisters and come up short (or so I think, I've been told we're all of equal attractiveness but I just can't believe it), it's painful, like a dark cloud following you around all the time. There's a list of things I don't generally do because I don't feel I look right, there are things I feel I'll never deserve or be entitled too or have a chance at having because I don't look right. I don't even know how I look, it scares me.
I've been trying to get a handle on it but I think thinking about it has just made it worse. I posted on a site asking how I looked (no makeup selfie, the first photos of my self in about the last 10 years) and got a mixed response (2 below average but not without hope, 7 average and 6 pretty) far from helping that just made me wonder even more-which is it? Are people lying to make me feel better? Or lying to make me feel worse (I find this unlikely-what does that say about me?)? Or do they all just see something different?
I think that never having had a relationship plays into this a fair bit-you start looking for things that are wrong and appearance is an easy and obvious one to focus on. All I can say for sure is it sucks. I'm sick of thinking about it and I'm sick of myself for needing to think about it. Why does it matter? All I know is that it does. I feel like I want to retreat when I feel like this, just hole up in my room and not speak to anyone ever again. Which is stupid and won't help.
But I guess the take away message from this has to be that this has more of an affect on someone than you might at first imagine. It affects how you see yourself in the world. A world so heavily based on how we look-I'm sure many girls would choose being beautiful over being smart or funny or any number of things because it's the highest rated commodity of all.
 Maybe I'm just seeing it all wrong. Maybe I'm seeing myself all wrong. I just don't know. I do know I'm sick of it.
Vanessa

Get it straight

That's what I'm trying to do. Get it straight. Figure it out. It's not going so well. I've discovered in the last week one can indeed be both bored and stressed....it's a fabulously contradicting state to be in. I'm so sick of being in one form of emotional distress or another, constantly, for years now-I've spent more time unhappy than not. Conflicted than not. And that's all I really want, a future to look forward to (be it with or without a partner), to be happy 80% of the time would be really nice. Feeling I'm doing something right or going somewhere would be really nice. Would soothe my soul I think. I can't see it right now, most of my plans have fallen through or been replaced/reshuffled due to this whole moving debacle-I'm not too happy about moving, I'm even less happy now I feel that my lot in life is to be my families willing entourage. I'm a person too, I love my family but why am I always last? Maybe I rely on them too much-I just don't know. I'm worried by trying to get myself independent that I'll fail and have no close ties to come back to.
I'm still looking into various options, but really I think I need to get myself less anxious in everyday situations before I do anything-and I resent that. I don't want to spend months or even years getting that sorted before I can do anything, learning to do something 90% of the population have no trouble with. Why can' I just be normal? Why can't anything ever be easy. Or simple. I then put pressure on myself and feel so horribly useless that I can't just do anything normal or right. I sometimes really feel that I have no future, or at least none I want, is it really possible to claw your way out of this? It just seems so unbelievable to me. I want it to be true though, so, so badly.
I've been avoiding contacting anyone and I can't really say why, I finally manned up and called my friend S and felt better for it.....and I've made this blog post too, so now you know what's happening. I'm not abandoning my blog and my absence has not being to any exciting developments, mores the pity. I have a plan for a future blog post on my hatred of being photographed, which exceeds normal levels I'm sure and also a post on being who you want to be vs who you actually are, not sure when I'll get to it but I will :)
In the meantime I've bought my first ever red lipstick, a slightly pricey one, that I'll hopefully one day be confident enough to wear in public.....at 27 I thought it was time for my first 'grown up' lip colour, I may never master eyeliner but there's no excuse for me not to try the lips I admire on other more confident girls. Also apparently red lips are sexy, maybe someone'll notice them? I can also wear it as a stain if I'm not yet ready for full on colour.
Heres the one I bought: http://www.ellisfaas.com/collection/lips/milky-lips/l201
It's pretty eh?
Vanessa

Compromise, compromise, compromise!

Problem being I'm always the one compromising. If someone has to stay home for whatever reason it's me, is someone has to go without it's me, if someone has to sit in a bad seat it's me-to be fair mostly I really don't mind. But these last few weeks are making me worry I may not get anything done if I don't stand my ground a bit more-my sister and mum are heading up to QLD to check out the uni and housing.....I have to stay home to take care of the animals, I won't lie, I'm a bit irritated as I really wanted to go to the uni and ask a few questions, I also wanted to check out what kind of flat in what kind of location I might be looking at. No go. My mum has promised we'll go up later but I honestly don't think we will, case in point I've dropped the whole learning to drive and tutoring to help organise the selling of the livestock/cleaning up/all the other pesky stuff that comes with moving. It looks like I'll have to move twice in a matter of months, I raised this concern with my mum but she thinks it won't be a problem. Who knows, maybe it won't? But it likely will be. I also feel weird about moving, I think I'm just too shocked right now to feel anything but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'll freakout have a nervous breakdown. I keep working so hard to make everyone else's lives the way they want whilst mine just idles away, I've been wondering quite seriously lately if I'll ever have any kind of life I want.

In less heavy news is anyone else loving Outlander? Is Jamie the cutest dude ever or what? Looks like I still have a thing for redheads :)

Vanessa

ETA: I just went over to post a comment on the29yearoldvirgins blog and it's been deleted! *cries* I hope I see her around again. I feel like I've neglected my online friends a bit in this last little while :(

What's happening?

Please bare with me, I sometimes forget what I have and haven't posted on here so if anything doesn't make sense just give me a shout! Anyway onwards!
Tomorrow we will know for sure if the farm has sold. This as I'm sure you can imagine is going to be a huge emotional upheaval-I have no idea how I'll cope, there's nothing much I can do though at this stage. It means I won't make it to uni in November because I'll be way too busy trying to stay sane, move myself, move 60+ sheep, 5 dogs and 8 chooks. So that's on the back burner, I still have tentative plans for 1st Semester 2015 though-we'll see what happens. It looks like my mum will be building a new house and she wants me heavily involved in the planning, so I'm currently pinning and googleing like crazy to get a rough plan in my head-at the same time I feel like it's a bit sad I'll help her do the whole lot then likely end up in a whole different state for uni! I won't even get to enjoy it :( One day I suppose. I'm also supper busy with some bottle lambs at the moment so I don't have much spare time to do much else.
I have this weird 'back seat' feeling, like everything I'm doing is to make my family happy because they have a future but I don't......it's a weird feeling. I don't know, lately I just have lost all hope of having a social life of any kind. And that's what I want really. It wouldn't matter if I had a trillion dollars or cured cancer I'd still be unhappy at that base level that wants to do all these things and never will. I read this blog post (http://neurotic-dating.com/2014/06/28/therapy/) and he described very well the crux of social anxiety "The cruel irony of social phobia is; that which one fears is the very thing one craves. Friendships, relationships, the need to love and be loved: these are all contingent upon the very social interactions that we are afraid of making. " this is exactly the point really: if you're scared of spiders chances are the only reason you want to conquer that fear is for your own self worth, you don't want to get up close and personal with spiders, you don't want to marry one and have cute spider babies-in reality this phobia isn't likely to impact your life. Now think about being scared of other people. It's a doozy isn't it? I see my therapist, I keep trying, I do whatever she says in the hope one day I might improve or even get better. My biggest wish is to just be normal. And maybe that's a selfish wish.
I've officially lived longer then my late sister. Her birthday and death day were in August-I think of, and miss, her often.

Vanessa

Where to start.......

Okay well I'll start with my sister shall I? I've mentioned before her being a bitch to me but I could never think of an example, well today she did it twice-so I can finally let you all know what I mean. I was watching a (terrible) horror movie on TV this morning, my sister walks in and immediately say's 'I don't know why you want to go to university, you're obviously training to be a serial killer'  she said it in a nasty tone (ie she wasn't joking) I replied 'given the sheer amount of horror/crime movies/docos made I'm not the only one' that shut her up. But that hurt, why would she say that? Just to be nasty that's why, to make me feel bad/guilty for doing something I might find interesting. She's not happy unless she's belittling me in some way or anther, undermining my confidence. I just don't know why she does it. She does it to my mum too, it's so awful, especially as we all go out of our way to help her out. I'm beginning to realise that although she's family my sister just isn't a very nice person. Some of the things she says about people are just so incredibly hurtful and rude, family may stick together but I won't be going out of my way to help her out anymore. You've probably noticed didn't mention the second thing, I will later in the post but it needs to be in context, I'll point it out but I'm sure you'll all notice it anyway.

Secondly lets talk about university. I feel like I may bore you guys talking about it, but I really am trying to break out of my rut-it's hard is all. Anyhow I've enrolled in a refresher course at a uni in QLD, it starts the last week in November and goes for 6 weeks. Which isn't all that far away! After that you enrol in the main degree program, I'm hoping the refresher is enough but if it isn't I guess I'll just bite the bullet and do my high school diploma equivalent-which will take anywhere from 6 months to a year. It feels good to have a plan B. However I've come to realise I have zero confidence in myself being able to actually do any good at school, I want to believe that I can.....but what if I can't? It's an awful feeling, constant gnawing doubt. My sister has helped this along over the years as well. I'm also feeling some pretty heavy duty anxiety over moving-more on that later.

Oh. Did I forget to mention that my sister heard what I was thinking of doing and enrolled too? No? My bad. Well she did. So now she's moving up as well, in theory (ie with a normal sister...) this would be a good thing-big sis could help out her nervous younger sibling, help steer her in the right direction etc......with my sister? Nope, no way. My mum was just chatting about getting to and from uni, my sister drives and has a newish car my mum bought for her, my sister piped up about how she'd mostly catch public transport but for exams it'd be nice to drive. My mum said 'oh Vanessa doesn't drive' long pause where my sister could've offered to drive me too on exam days 'guess she'll be taking public transport than.......'. I just felt shocked all over again how selfish my sister is. Wow. After all we'll be living in the same town! If the situation was reversed I would've drove her no questions asked. *psst that's the second crappy thing she did*

Which brings me to: the epic saga of living somewhere that isn't here.
I'll start with the whole sister thing (again. Sorry.), it would make sense to live with her and share our costs right? Now who would be sacrificing the most in this situation? Well lets weigh it up, hmmm? My sister has a kid, a partner and a cat. I have...wait....nothing. I'd be paying half. I think we can all see who's getting the better deal. My mum told me straight out that I shouldn't consider living with her (her words were actually something along the lines of 'you can't be serious?! You'd have to be a crazy ass mofo to want to do that!' um. Yes.) anyway I thought if we rented something with an upstairs/downstairs or a granny flat it might work. I've since realised the error of my ways, specifically after my sister told me her partner would kill me, her kid hates me and that I'm a horrible slob......I really had to hold back from telling her if her partner can live with her he could live with anyone pretty much and that last time I was in her house the cat was sleeping on the kitchen stove, there were half full mouldy coffee cups all over the lounge room floor, I nearly fell over a pile of dirty laundry in the hall and her room was strewn with books, dirty clothes and other misc items. I'll admit I'm not the neatest person......but if we're having a contest of who's tidier I'd win. I won't be sharing with my sister. Full stop. Which brought me to the contemplation of living arrangements with just me, I know a lot of people have advised roommates/sharing but I've thought a lot about this and given the price difference between shared accommodation and my very own little flat (which is like $10) I think I'll go with my own little flat. Let me justify my decision: I figure at least for the first few months I'm going to be pretty overwhelmed-I don't want to be worried about bumping into someone in the shared kitchen (knowing me I'd be eating at like 2am to avoid people), I don't want to fight over the TV, I don't want the only lounge to be in a shared area (again I'd just avoid), I don't want to have to ask someone to turn down their music or TV or whatever (again I just wouldn't and then I'd get no sleep), I don't want to have to hide out elsewhere because there's a party or the person next door is having sex, I don't want to bump into someones one night stand the next morning (ie a complete stranger!) and most of all I don't want to risk being the weird girl of the share house. The way I see it I'll be faking my way through pretty much all day everyday to start, I want my own space to come home too, where I can completely relax and not have to worry that I may have to talk to someone or that someones stolen my lasagne out of the communal fridge. Also my mum wants to come up and stay for a few weeks here and there which would be pretty difficult in a share house. I figure once I'm settled then I'll start looking into doing some meetups or joining a club or something. My sister may put a damper on these things though, she always has a snide remark ready and I don't like her knowing what I' up to :( God it seems so ridiculous doesn't it? But I swear it's true.
I'm really anxious about living alone and living away from home for the first time, I'm worried I'll be really lonely, isolate myself and just stare at the walls all day. I'm worried I'll stress myself out, my mum out, spend a heap of money, have it all not work out and be back at home feeling even more useless. Then I feel angry at myself because there are 18 year olds doing this shit every year. I'm 27. It shouldn't be this hard all the time, WTF?

Next? How about: well you know home?.....it might not be there when you want to come back.
My mum has decided to sell the farm. This as I'm sure you can all imagine is a huge upheaval for me. All my memories are here, of my dad and my sister, my childhood dog is buried here the list just goes on. I can't even imagine moving and going to uni whilst this is going on. I have happy memories here, will I ever make anymore? Am I leaving the best parts of my life behind? Even if I'm not making new memories here at least I can paddle about in the old ones that make me happy. It's hard to know what the right move is right now.

The mathematics conundrum.
I really need to get on top of this. I want to feel confident about it even if I'm not a whizz. But for some reason I always feel like I'm just a few cms from it clicking, I keep reaching but it doesn't seem to work, I'm very frustrated about it.

Zero confidence.
I don't think I realised until recently I have zero confidence in myself. I really don't know what to do about it, all I know is when I try to visualise something (like uni, moving out etc) I just can't believe I can do it, I just can't imagine anything positive at all, I don't know how to change it apart from being as prepared as I can.........but then if I get anxious all my concentration and intelligence flee me :(

Driving.
I really need to get on to this. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now.

Whew well that's a start anyway, there's probably stuff I've left out or forgot but I'll post it next time. Until then,
Vanessa

Righto

So I'm working up to a longer post but I thought in the mean time I'd just drop in and say, these last few weeks have been seriously crazy. Crazy. Anyhow I'm still here and I will post in more detail soon but I just wanted to say Hi :)
Vanessa

Reflection

I sometimes wonder if other people feel like taking posts down, I'm not ashamed of it, but I guess sometimes its.......just a little too personal? Maybe? I'm not sure. I sometimes feel like I'm bearing my soul and that maybe that's not such a great idea for whatever reason. But I'm a pretty self contained person for the most part and I hope my blog posts might help other people who feel they are the only ones feeling that way.......but I promise that for the most part, in person anyway, I'm a pretty easy going person-note I didn't say 'bubbly' or 'happy' because for the most part I'm a fairly quiet serious person-but I do like to laugh, have fun and I'm up for adventure. I also do love to laugh and have a good sense of humour, I'm particularly fond of british humour, the car scene from Faulty Towers or a Father Ted marathon anyone?
I sometimes wonder of course if other bloggers omit to post the really personal shitty posts because it feels too close or too raw, or if the feeling of life being against you and occasionally wanting to drown yourself in the bath is not as commoner feeling as I may assume. Point is you don't drown yourself in the bath, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and slog on. And wonder if you should maybe delete that post.

I wonder a lot apparently.

In other news I have a hole in my jeans and have to buy new ones, is it just me or is jeans shopping the absolute worst?

Vanessa

Someone should know

How I'm feeling right now. I can't talk to my family about this-so blogging it is. Decisions have been made, I have acquiesced to these decisions despite them not being what I want, because I think they are probably best for my family. But I'm miserable. I feel like I have no future at all and I just don't care. I'm disinterested in everything. I don't want to do anything at all and I resent being asked to. Having a bath is a major effort. I feel everything I've done is a mistake, that all failures in my life have been mine solely and completely. That things would be different if I'd tried harder, been better. The whole MH17 fiasco hasn't made me feel any better either. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the world? What's the point?

Vanessa

Being a commodity. Failing at life. Sorry.

I've finally put my finger on what bothers me about online dating (took me long enough) but it's this: effectively you're selling yourself. It's not about being a good kind person. Or an immoral one. It's about how you look and how well you can 'sell' yourself with a description. You're a commodity. And to compete with the others you need to be the absolute best version of yourself-even then there will always be someone thinner/prettier/taller/smarter etc. It actually reminds me very much of livestock sale catalogues: you look at the pictures, read the descriptions/stats and then pick a few prospects and hope you're the highest bidder. It won't stop me from trying it one day but I really don't want to be the last bull in the ring so to speak.

Also failing at life. I feel that I should keep better track of the blogs I'm following, post more comments, be more active online but I'm just not very good at keeping up. I'd like to post more comments but often I can't figure out how to word them, I'm worried I'll offend someone or that no one wants to read my opinion. I feel, quite frankly, that I'm letting the side down-I'm a part of a small minority, the later in life non-religious virgin, and I feel I should help support others in my position. I consider them my tribe and I want to contribute as best I can. I just can't figure out how? It's irrationally distressing.

Failing at being a girl. I also sometimes worry about whether or not my inability to apply eyeliner is a serious mark against me as a girl. I mean most ladies wouldn't dream of a first date without 'doing their face', I tend to be too scared I'll make myself look a) like edward cullen (washed out and sparkly) b) I had a fight with someone and got both my eyes blacked or c) just plain weird. Then I have to take it off and that leaves me pink and irritated looking due to my sensitive skin and mild rosacea. I did have some laser last week on my rosacea-to keep it under control-let me just say ouch! But I can see the difference, it's looking better :) Thank god, I was so swollen the first couple days it wasn't pretty at all! I also believe I am a slightly ridiculous human for worry about this......

I'm off to my first math lesson tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Vanessa

Not really

My sister has a wonderful knack for making me doubt whether I'm doing the right thing. Like 'oh that's a great degree! No jobs at the end of course, but go for it!' or 'that has really hard math.....but I'm sure you'l be fine!'-I wish she'd just leave it alone really. Don't say anything, keep any doubts to yourself please, I'm already nervous and insecure enough without any help. I'm starting some math tutoring shortly, so cross your fingers for me please, I know it won't be easy but I hope I can get through it one step at a time. Then if all goes well I'll actually apply for uni and, hopefully, go this time. I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing, it's not sitting entirely comfortably for me right now and I'm really facing am ultimatum if I go: University or the farm. I won't lie, if I thought I could meet a partner here (or already had) I wouldn't even consider leaving, I know what I'm doing here, I'm good at it, and theres no better place to raise a family (I'd still like to travel though)-but I don't see that happening. In small rural areas people pair off early and theres just no one suitable. I'm isolated and lonely. But still I'm giving up my known quantity for something unknown, something I'm not sure about-where I may end up being just as isolated, lonely and miserable only without being able to retreat to my favourite patch of dirt, with no one around for miles, and think 'wow'. I'm giving up something infinitely, undeniably special that I can never get back for a gamble at a better emotional life. For friends and hopefully one day a family. There are no guarantees though and isn't that scary as hell? I think my fear of it not working out are what's making me a subconsciously sabotage myself or make my efforts feeble and half hearted, at the first trouble I throw the towel in, say 'oh well too hard! Not meant to be.', and retreat once again to my miserable, safe cocoon. I also trip myself up with thinking everyone is better than me and that I can't do 'it' (it could be anything from math to traveling on my own to making friends), I never doubt others just myself. I also wonder if maybe I'm not just too damaged and undesirable that I'm wasting my time even trying to break out.

Funnily enough whilst in Toronto I had a chat with a girl who, like me, was from a farm, unlike me, she wanted to go to the biggest, busiest uni she could find and was completely uninterested in the farm full stop-she was so confident, sure and also super excited (I don't get excited anymore, I know whatever I pick is going to be long and hard). I was so jealous for a minute, why couldn't I be like that? Life would be easier for sure.

I also get the feeling somewhat irrationally, that people just don't like me. Sometimes I think my own mother doesn't even like me. I'm always trying to be careful not to say the wrong thing, or upset someone, that I think I come off as timid and opinion-less-far from the truth, I just don't want to argue or alienate. When a tough subject comes up I tend to demure, which somewhat irritates me, but I feel my relationships are so fragile a strong disagreement might end them. 

On a more everyday note it's getting pretty chilly here so I'm about to invest in a couple of wool thermals and a pair of boots. Life goes on.

Vanessa

PS I've also managed to chip my front tooth.......for someone who doesn't play contact sport and hasn't had any mouth to hard/interesting (heh) object contact lately this is frankly quite impressive really. Dentist for me *sigh*

The important questions?

What are the important questions? I guess they differ from person to person. For me my biggest question is, does anything I do really matter if there's no one to share it with? Theoretically speaking I know it does, there are other people out there who've proven it, but I guess I want to share with others, I want someone to pat me on the back and say well done or give me advice on what now or what next. I fight not to lose interest when I don't have someone else to share my interest. I need to work on that. I shouldn't need outside validation to make something seem worthwhile.
So I guess my biggest question, for now anyway, is how to feel validated even if I never have other people. I know this problem isn't limited to just me as it's been mentioned on the incel forums quite a bit, it's a gnarly one alright a bit like the ole if a tree falls conundrum.

Another smaller question that bothers me on and off is how I look. This will sound weird, but basically I couldn't tell you if I'm plain, ugly or pretty-I look in the mirror and I can't tell, so I go with the happy medium of 'plain'. I've been told I'm attractive on a few occasions but how do I know if that's true? I'm not about to post my pic on one of those rate it websites and it feels silly asking others for opinions. All I could say for sure is I have big eyes and high cheek bones, apart from that I don't know. Is it worth trying to learn to apply makeup and do my hair if I've not got the base needed to make me look good? Do I look like my sister or is she really that much more attractive than me, as I see it? I don't know how other girls know if they are attractive, I guess they base it on male attention......based on that I'm an orc.

In other news I'm considering doing a tertiary prep course, I'm a bit unsure about it though as it's a condensed version over 6 weeks instead of 12 weeks (as I missed the term 2 enrolment but can make the summer one)-maybe too much for me? And I wonder if it's enough or if I need more. It's out of state too so I'd have to move as well........I'll let you guys know what I'm up to when I decide. In the meantime I'm thinking of learning to knit :)

Vanessa

Sorry I'm a flake

Sorry I've been a bit flaky lately, just not feeling it I'm afraid. I've been thinking about then putting off this post ever since I got home. So let me level with you: I'm bored, directionless and miserable. Coming home from a trip where I've been moving around, trying new things, chatting with random people and just generally having a good time (navigating the Montreal metro, anyone? Or is it just me?), knowing that if my life was that little bit better or different that I may be exploring/studying in a different country-knowing it's something I'd enjoy sans my social anxiety-makes everything feel a bit dreary. Traveling through all of these people and realising I'm always on the outside looking in, like I'm in a glass box, thinking it'll maybe always be like that. Who am I kidding, it's definitely going to be like that. Whilst I was traveling I heard so many stories of overseas adventures involving friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I felt keenly what I was missing. I was even jealous of a group of Aussie girls who were working and traveling around Canada and also had a USA road trip planned-I just could help but think: why them and not me? Why couldn't I have that too? There's no answer. There's no point dwelling.
I've realised it's fine to be alone if that's what you want. If that's what you enjoy. And maybe that's the reason it bothers me so much, I don't want to be alone and I enjoy the company of a friend (not that I've felt that for a long time, probably since S moved away 11 years ago), what is it about me that people don't like? Do I smell funny? Look like a serial killer? Have crazy eyes? Are boring? I don't know. I realise I'm not likely to meet people whilst sitting at home cruising youtube for braiding tutorials, but even when I make an effort it falls flat, which brings me to my next point: internet friends. Some people seem to be able to make internet friends easily too, I don't. No 'oh I'm going to stay with Jade who I meet on the internet whilst blogging, it'll be so exciting to see her!' for me, is even my internet persona so odd? What is it about me? I wonder at how life must be for those people that everyone likes and wants to be friends with, you know the kind, everyone knows one. I know of three. Notice I didn't say 'know' there as I don't really, just in passing to say hi. I'm no-ones best friend, I'm no-ones first port of call, I'm just alone. None of my (fading, as I'm beginning to realise) friends ever call (or text or email) me first-I always have to initiate. It hurts when they haven't bothered to ring you for 3 months but they casually mention how they called so and so the other day to catch up. One of my friends even moved without giving me her new phone number, I got it off her mum, she told me that when she's stressed she withdraws......but she gave her details to her 2 other friends. Am I over stepping my bounds here? Should I not call? Maybe she tried to 'forget' me on purpose? She always seems happy to hear from me though and we talk for hours. I don't know anymore.
I have no goals right now, my mum is pushing me to learn to drive and I just feel so ambivalent about everything I don't see the point. She's also been complaining I've been going to bed too early, before she was complaining it was too late, I just can't win. She keeps asking me what I want to do, and I just have no idea, I've never been as aimless or adrift as I am right now.
I know I don't want to live like this forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do.

Vanessa

Everywhere and nowhere

So it goes, the trip is coming to a close- here's the rundown so far:
Edmonton was okay, met one Aussie there who seemed delighted to see some fellow Aussies lol
Winnipeg I liked Winnipeg......until I joked to the guy at the desk 'I hear it gets as cold as mars here!'......and he replied 'that was one time!' I nearly died! I didn't think it was true lol
Toronto ,more of a reflection on me I think, but I didn't like it at all. Too big, too dirty and too many homeless people. As in they make me sad, I'm such a sucker. Lana Del Rey concert was amazing! Loved it and would do it again!
Ottawa liked it well enough
Quebec City was nice, got sooooo lost on the bus though!
Montreal.....nope. Not even a little bit.
Halifax OMG beautiful! Loved the surrounding area, it's just like its out of a fairy tale book or something. So amazing.
PEI very quaint, I liked it not as much as Nova Scotia but it's still lovely
Only Newfoundland left now! Then back to Vancouver for our flight. Ugh. Flying.

I'm feeling a bit down about my complete inability to be normal. But I'll get into it more when I get home, I'm sick of my iPad!  

Vanessa

Onwards

Well I've been to Jasper (beautiful) and am now in Edmonton, which reminds me of Canberra a bit weirdly, it's been fun so far........sort of starting to want to know what's going on at home with the dogs and chooks though-I asked my sister but she's not being very detailed :( Also we have now have loud neighbours at this hotel........it's the worst. There's definitely a Guy and girl, I seriously hope they don't get up to nothing non-platonic (or are at least quiet about it) by myself I wouldn't mind but with my mum........can you say die of embarrassment?  Still seeing lots of nice looking guys and I've figured I feel sort of inferior to them or something and I just want to get out of there......like I'm imposing myself on then or they're laughing at me-which I know is not the case but the feelings are still there.  Anyway it's onto Winnipeg next (so far Canadians have nothing nice to say about Winnipeg) so if anyone has any info about the peg feel free to let me know :)
Vanessa
Ps iPad sucks for writing blog posts.....

Argh

I can reply to comments for some reason :( so I'm not ignoring you I just can't get it to work right now...........

Hmmmmm

So at breakfast some guys were loudly discussing vibrators........yeah. I don't even know.
 I also spotted my first real live hockey player (well I'm assuming......maybe he was just carrying a hockey stick and gear bag for another reason), as predicted he was cute. Have been around most of  Vancouver now, it's really beautiful, I wouldn't like to live here though......it's too busy for me, the suburbs might be okay though- you don't tend to visit them when your doing touristy stuff :)
Tipping is still driving me nuts.......
Vanessa

Vancouver

Well I'm in Canada, it's really beautiful-and surprising how confusing it is too. It's so similar to aus.......except when it isn't and then I get completely confused lol And don't even get me started on tipping. We're off to jasper next........I can't comment on the rest of Canada but Vancouver is like the city of cute guys, they're every where! It's kind of depressing.....
Be interesting to see if they are as good looking all over......and as polite :)
Yes people so far the stereotypes are all true ;)
Vanessa

Lest we forget

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them." 

Lest we forget.

It really doesn't matter.....

I've read a few articles and have seen advice given to lot's of people in my situation 'it really doesn't matter! It'll happen when you're ready/least expect it/stop thinking about it! Besides you can be happy single!', okay I get that they are just trying to make people feel better (trust me 100% I get that) but discounting those people who don't want a relationship (that's their choice, all the power to them!), I feel this is a bit dismissive. I think it does matter that we are missing out, after all about 95% of the population over 25 are coupled up/have children/or both-I feel that we are missing a pretty huge chunk of the human experience. Of life. Sure these relationships may not last, but still the experience is had. I also understand where people are coming from with the whole 'virginity is no big deal' thing, it's not like we have a dot on our forehead that changes colour after we loose it and it really doesn't affect our life in a physical way-but it does matter. Why? Well I think having a first relationship becomes even harder when you are a virgin as well. Not only are you nervous about a whole host of usual normal things you also have the v-card hanging over your head. Do you admit to it? How do you explain? Will they be able to tell? So as much as virginity in and of itself isn't important it's important in the context of trying to form a relationship. Well that's my take anyway.

Vanessa

Really? Sometimes I wonder...

Things have bee pretty crazy here this last week, mostly involving the care and maintenance of the critters, we've been rushing about basically non-stop. We only have a couple of big things left and then it's just some fine tuning before we leave. I think I should split this into sections:
Oh, Canada-the epic trip edition:
Flights? Check. Accommodation? Check. Trains? Check. Buses? F'd if I know, maybe? Hopefully? Activities? Um don't even talk to me about it. Phone? Yeah, no. Food? I have 2 definites: ches's fish and chips in Newfoundland and smokes poutine...which is everywhere pretty much. For 5 weeks that's a pretty poor effort.....I really need to get onto this. I'm thinking we'll try asian in Vancouver and there's apparently a really good Ethiopian restaurant in Winnipeg which I'd like to try, on a food related note I also want to visit Granville island (Vancouver) and the markets in Montreal. Oh and the smoked meat sandwiches in Montreal. Wait...don't they have bagels too? You can probably tell I'm fairly food orientated. I won't lie to you: I am. But I'm also a terribly fussy eater who drives everyone nuts. Sorry about that. It frustrates me too as I genuinely try things before I pass judgement and it's always disappointing to add yet another thing to my 'don't like it' list. As for packing that's a whole nuther thing my friends. I'm trying to go carry on only so I'm a bit limited in what I can take...it's not a bad thing but it makes the all important decision of wether to take a jacket or not a bit hard. Anyway I'll figure it out. Heres a list of where we'll be visiting, any suggestions for food or things to do welcome:
Vancouver (thinking of doing a chinatown walking tour, visiting the suspension bridge, Granville island, richmond night markets, Stanley park, maybe Grouse mountain and apparently we're meant to find a neon green jacket my niece wants)
Victoria (gardens, apart from that no idea)
Jasper (Glacier walk, some hiking trails, tramway-that's about all we've got so far)
Edmonton (no idea. Take the bus to Banff and lake Louise hopefully)
Calgary (only a day here, no idea what we'll do)
Winnipeg (there's a national park I'd like to visit but they have no transport :( )
Toronto (again not sure what we'll be doing here)
Niagara falls (seeing the falls. Duh :) )
Ottawa (tulip festival, other than that ?)
Quebec (no idea)
Montreal (market, no idea)
Halifax (get out to peggy's cove, have a look at Dalhousie)
PEI (see Anne of green gables)
St John (no idea)
So there it is, the epic Canadian trip. Hopefully I'll love it and want to go back, we're also missing a couple of places I want to see and have a short time on others.....plenty of exploring left to do! :) I'll post a more detailed packing list once I've got it under control.
Life, general:
Not much to report, I finally found a leather jacket I like after 3 years of looking. Unfortunately I now I can't decide if I want to take it with me or not. I also got one of these: http://sprigs.com/banjees/classic-banjees/multi-brightpaisley/, not from this website cause they don't ship here, as I'm really over carrying a handbag. They suck. Hopefully this will be a suitable solution.
Life, love:
I've met someone. Problem is we both want very different things, you see all he wants is milk and to be scratched behind the ears. He has no interest in travelling either. Also he's a lamb. These things are never simple....... ;)
Life, goals/future:
I'm currently working pretty hard on this with my brain doctor. It's pretty scary and some things (most things?) still feel impossible. But I'm trying, I'm going to give it my best shot-and I'm terrified.
Life, list/bucket list:
I haven't ticked anything off of it yet but I've got a few to add:
* Try caving
* Try diving
* Visit an internet friend
* Travel solo
* Visit Tofino, Canada
* Visit Petra, Jordan
* Visit Jerusalem, Israel
* Visit Egypt
* Visit Lake Baikal, Siberia, Russia
* Visit Spain
* Visit England
* Go to a pub
* Join a club/group
* Get a university degree
* Conquer social anxiety
* Have a bob haircut
* Learn to braid (half complete.  Can do other people but not myself...)
* See Lana Del Rey concert
Things I've done that I probably shouldn't have:
Bought 2 Lana Del Rey tickets for Toronto that I found......could all go horribly wrong....cross your fingers for me. Luckily I didn't pay a huge amount and they are okay seats, not great, but okay.

That's it for now :)
Vanessa

Birthday wishes not birthday kisses

It was my birthday yesterday, it went okay, no nervous breakdowns or anything :) And plenty of birthday wishes, I see the brain doctor again tomorrow-I've been quite a few times now-she seems optimistic whilst I'm my usual suspicious self......but, but maybe, just maybe there is some hope. I have to believe it anyway, it's all I have.
Vanessa

Things that drive me nuts: the definition of single

I've mentioned this before somewhere I'm sure but I'm mentioning it again, because, quite frankly, it's ridiculous. Mostly it's in the fine print of one of those 'feel good singles' articles, you know the type that tells you people are staying single longer or some such. Usually I start to smell a rat around the part where they mention more single people are choosing to have children-read the fine print and you'll discover that by single they mean not married. This is just stupid beyond words. What part of having an exclusive relationship is 'single'? If we judged people this way in real life a hell of a lot more people would be single! Someone has a girlfriend/boyfriend? No worries they're sill single! God. I'm sure the numbers would be infinitely more depressing if they actually only included actual single (my definition: someone who isn't in a relationship) but at least they'd be honest. And then there's the whole can of worms that is those 'where are all the single women/men!' interactive maps-pretty inaccurate if they class everything but married as single, I'm sure the results would be much different (not to mention more helpful) if they only included people who were unattached.
Anyway rant over.
Vanessa

All the sunsets without me

I like to spend a little time each day contemplating what a small section of the world community may be doing in their respective countries, not too much because it's not really constructive...but it is nice, escapism is often. I often tend to think of it as being around sunset for some reason....hence all the sunsets without me. There are lots. I imagine a happy pair of backpackers watching the sunset over some Thailand bay, a grandmother in Italy looking over the mountains whilst preparing dinner for her family, a successful single women looking out over the bright NYC or Chicago lights after a run, a couple lounging on their deck in a rural area eager with anticipation of the impending arrival of their baby, a teenage girl in a small town looking out her window nervous for her first date, silly little things maybe, but they make me equal parts happy (maybe one day) and sad (nope not happening). I often wonder, do other people do this? I guess they do. Maybe not as much as I do. Anyway, here's to all the sunsets without me (and hopefully in the future, with me) enjoy them!
I think it's also time to share a bit more about me, I know you guys often try and give me advice and sympathise but I imagine it must be hard with all the missing info. So, here's a bit more info without outing myself. Hopefully.
I mentioned the family business right? Well would it surprise you to know that the family business is agriculture. Yep I'm a country girl in every sense of the word. Born and raised, I've never lived anywhere but the family homestead. The nearest neighbours (apart from my sister) are measured in kilometres. We go to town once a week for groceries. I can talk seriously about the weather with just about anyone and be totally serious about bemoaning the lack of rain being the end of everything. I can find a sheep in a 600 acre paddock but get lost in the mall. I can drive a motorbike after a bull but roundabouts freak me out. I know how long it takes a cow to have a calf and a sheep to have a lamb. When I talk about my skills being non-transferable I mean I know how to deliver a stuck lamb, ear tag a calf, ride a horse and throw out a fleece, not terribly useful outside of agricultural pursuits. My fathers side of the family have been in the general area for 5 generations. I can go a week without seeing anyone but family, when my mum went away for 2 weeks I didn't see anyone in that time. I feel guilty for wanting to leave and trapped by staying. I feel guilty asking my mother to hold on to the farm whilst I do other things so I can come back one day. I can't imagine my life without a rural connection. I can't imagine living like this forever. It's a conundrum and it makes things more difficult to be sure.

In other news I've been reading a bit and I found this:
http://www.candicedoestheworld.com/2013/12/to-go-the-journey-alone/
I love this blog. This chick is pretty amazing I think and she has awesome hair, what's not to like? I really love this quote from her intro:
“What in the world is that crazy, sexy ginger doing?” People marvelled. “Will she ever settle down and get a REAL job? She must be a lesbian.”
Yep. LOL I hope one day to be as brave as her :)

Vanessa

Who?

Well long time no post, or it feels like anyway. I hope everyone is doing okay.
Things are pretty confusing right now, I'm in a weird position where I should be excited but instead I just have a low level hum of discontent happening. We're going to Canada, from Vancouver to Halifax via rail and plane, we'll be seeing a lot of Canada, my mum will be having a Birthday in Vancouver, we'll be gone for 5 weeks the longest ever so far. I'll be getting a taste of Canada. But. But, what if I hate it? Then I'll have no hazy future plan. What if it's a terrible trip? One of us gets sick and is miserable. There are just so many what if's, and compounding my low level worry is: where the hell is flight MH-370? Seriously. Those poor families still waiting. Awful.
There is also the small matter that Lana Del Rey is having a concert in Toronto while I'm there.....I've been wanting to go see her but being in Aus tours are far and few between. So should I get tickets and go? I want to. But I have to think of my mother too, she'll go if I want but I don't want her to have an awful time......*sigh*
I've seen my head doctor a couple more times, she seems confident and sure but I'm still wavering in really believing her-if I do give in then I can dare plan for the future, as it is I daydream a bit but I don't let myself have too many future plans or dreams because I can't see how I can possibly get there, if I do that it has the potential to be crushing. I live on a low level of unhappiness as it is but having that hope.....and losing it? Maybe disastrous result. But I really want to believe her, believe that there is a hope I can learn to cope and go out on my own. I don't know what to do or what to believe. I'd love to think I can make a plan to head off for 2 years overseas on my own, but really is that realistic? And if so how long should I wait to do that? I suppose I should ask her that but she has made it clear it's a series of steps with no time limits. Hum. I got nuthin.
On the right side I've finally found a pair of ballet flats that fit and I Thai restaurant I like.....it's an hour away but still soooo good.
Vanessa

I really don't know....

I'm really not sure what I'm doing right now. I'm just so unsure about everything. I've been cruising travelling blogs and feeling a bit hopeless. I'm very directionless *sigh*
But it looks like we will likely be heading to Canada in May, like 70% sure.......we'll see.
On that note icebreaker clothes are great for travel, a bit spendy though, I found some 40% off though! Score!

Anyway my blog isn't very exciting at the moment I know, maybe I'm just boring.

Vanessa

Social constructs

My niece asked my sister about one of her friends today, it went like this: 'how old is L?' my sister '40 something' my niece 'is she married?' my sister 'no' my niece 'well she should be'
She's 10 but already society has told her you need a boyfriend/husband or you're worthless. I'm sure they've talked about me too, thank god it wasn't in front of me.

In other news I may be headed off to Canada with my mum at some point in the next few months-something to look forward to I hope :)

Vanessa

Moving the goal posts

I guess one of my major frustrations is that every time I think I have things even remotely sorted out everything seems to change. Just when I think I've got a plan it falls to pieces. It's really frustrating. I feel like the universe keeps moving the goal posts without consulting me first, that I'm aiming at a moving target that keeps changing the rules on me. I hate that feeling. Let me explain.
So remember my telling you all about the math evaluation? I'd just gotten my head around that, started thinking about ways to sort it out. The universe had other plans, the course advisor rang on friday (2 days before the classes are due to start) and told us the course we'd enrolled in was cancelled due to a lack of enrolments........I seriously wondered if I was a part of a weird reality TV show I was unaware of at this point........because seriously? My sister went into serious meltdown mode TM and made everyone even more miserable. I was just left reeling, this course isn't offered in many places so to attend another uni we'd have to move out of state-which I don't feel able to do on my own right now and my sister isn't interested in doing. So serious road block. At the same time I got word back from the Canadian uni's I'd emailed about joint recognition of the degree with some interesting info: to complete the 12 week practicum you have to be a permanent Canadian resident....which makes very little sense really, as the profession is on their skills shortage list. Hm. The lady at the uni was nice and advised if I wanted to work in Canada I'd need to transfer after 2 years in Aus into a Canadian uni and complete 2 years there. Which sounds nice in theory but impractical in practice: it's really expensive as a foreign student (about 30,000 a year I think) and they have pretty strict admissions, even an average student would appear unlikely to get in. Of course often what is in print and what is reality are 3 different things. All a moot point now it would seem in any case.
So now I'm desperately going over all my other options as every course deadline seems to be within a week and I have no idea what to do. My sister think maybe she's found a different degree she can do which is good for her, I so far haven't found any but the original one I was thinking of doing: basically a 3 year undergrad in nutrition and then a 1 1/2 year masters in dietetics, by the time I've done the math catch up this will spread to about 5 years total. If I was 20? I wouldn't think twice, but I'm not, I'm soon to be 27 and if I spend 5 years at school where I figure I'm unlikely to meet anyone much (reason 1: they are all too young for me, reason 2: 99% of people in this particular field are female, reason 3: in the same area I've always been in, feel uncomfortable trying online dating here) I'll be getting past the 'I still have time' stage and into the 'seriously if you want a family, panic now!' stage. Also if I take this path I'll basically graduate and then have to leave on my work visa straight away: apply for a work visa before 31st birthday and then have one year to activate, the end of that one year will be just after graduation.....if all goes to plan...if not the plan is totally blown out of the water and there's no way of getting a visa apart from a student one. But really I don't have another plan, I don't know what to do.
I've thought of starting the course whilst hopefully working on my anxiety and then taking 2 years off whenever I feel able to travel whilst the visa is still available, I've thought of taking all the units that are available that coincide with the cancelled degree and then trying to transfer over to Canada, I'd be missing some degree specific units but have all the general ones (like chem, bio, food science) so maybe that would work? I've thought of starting the nutrition degree here doing the general units and hoping I'll feel confident to transfer out of the nutrition degree and into the other out of state one. I've thought of completing the 5 years and then enrolling in, say, a 12 month pottery course in Canada to get the student visa (you can stay on the same amount of time after you studied), working as a dietician and then applying for an experience class visa.
I'm just going in circles as I can't seem to find a suitable solution that doesn't cut me off in the future somehow. It's got me in a bit of a funk, I just can't see a good way to do what I really want.
To all those people out there who fell into an overseas job or whose company have overseas offices or who meet someone, fell in love and moved overseas-I really hope you're enjoying it! Send some good luck vibes my way please, I really could use them.
Vanessa

What next? What now? And how?

So as I see it I have a few options, all have pros and cons of course, but anyway here they are:
# I can do an evaluation and start wherever I need to then work through to the level of math I'll need-problems with this? It may take 2 years and there is no guarantee I still won't stumble as I reach the tougher stuff.
# I can forget the whole math business and try for something english based-problems with this? Nothing english based really jumps out at me. Harder to travel with one of these.
# I can forget the whole thing and work on getting travel ready and head off for a couple of years world travel before coming back and wading back in. By doing this I'm using up my chance of getting a work visa post degree as I'll have passed the cut off. I can still get a student one though.
# I can muddle about here and try and restart the family business. The only thing wrong with this is it's going to keep me isolated and I'm not going to meet new people.

I'm not really sure what to do. My sister has made such a drama over this it's unreal! We're both in the same boat math wise but she's making out it's mainly my fault that I'm such a dunce at math that I'm holding her back-hence we are both headed to the math evaluation. She is admittedly better then me, and will likely head into year 12 level with not too many issues, whereas I suspect I'll be heading into year 10 level to start. I'm hoping it'll take a max of 1 year to catch up.......but I can't find any solid info from anyone whose done that or who can tell if it's realistic or not to try. Theres no point pushing through in 1 year if I can' remember/understand it anyway. It's a serious pickle to be in. These math units are offered as part of a whole course, it also includes intro chem and bio too, I think it's be smart to take those classes too but my sister doesn't want to and I can't drive myself. Anyway it sucks.

And just to add to the unrest a hobby league ice hockey club has started up, they say the accept people who've never skated, I'd love to go but my anxiety stops me. It's frustrating.

I also can't help but wonder if I just really am not that bright and should forget it.
Vanessa
PS I managed to miss the 2nd episode of Sherlock. I'm that hopeless. I'm really loving True Detective.....Rust reminds me a bit if myself. I laughed when he got banned by Marty from philosophising in the car :)

Surprise! Math=the devil.

Guess what? After buying all our textbooks (and stocking up on unnecessary stationary........) and going to uni orientation (which was, to my amazement, pretty fun), I went online to read the unit outlines-and guess what? We have a math evaluation. That's not so bad I hear you saying, well maybe normally you'd be right......but it's the same one the engineer students have to take. Make no mistake I think being an engineer is an awesome job, and guess what? If I'd thought I could do the math I would've been all over that. There is no way I can wing this level of math. Oh and just to put icing on the cake you need an 80% to pass the module. Yeah? On what planet I wonder. Now I know chemistry includes math-I get that-and I think I possibly would've been able to handle the few chem specific bits I would've had to learn, but theres not a snowballs that I can manage to master engineer level math in a 6 weeks (maybe someone who just grasps math intrinsically could but it's undoubtably my weakest point). So now I feel like a bit of a fraud, I've been talking about this to everyone, posting about it here etc and now I feel like I've deceived everyone :( I honestly was keen to have a go and now this. Let this be a lesson kids: finish school and take that math class! You might need it someday!
Uni orientation was an eye opener, I  can see how 'normal' people would have a blast at uni! All the community, activities and clubs would be fabulous fun for your average young person. It really made me wish I'd gone as a kid. Well maybe a normal kid, no doubt I would've had a shit time as the shy reclusive teenager I was. They probably would've started a club just for people who didn't like me to join. Anyway no point dwelling.
In other news I went to my first brain doctor session: I really like her, she's super nice and not condescending at all. She said she likes working with people like me as she gets great results. I'm still a bit sceptical and nervous to share everything with her. But overall it was much nicer then I thought. I told her about uni of course *sigh* I feel like such a dummy.
Vanessa

Ugh

That just about describes my week really. I'm really confused about my uni degree, I have a sore tongue, pulled all my back and neck muscles, had a splitting headache and difficulty sleeping. It's been great.
With my degree I'm just not sure if I should go the longer path of 5 years when there is a different degree I can do in 3 years, it's not as prestigious but it still has good prospects and pay-it's also on the skilled job list for Canada which is a bonus for sure.......but not without complications.....as I need to have my qualifications cross referenced and do any bridging needed, do a 12 week field placement (and for the life of me I can't find out how hard it might be to get a placement....) and an exam. And of course it may come off the skilled list in any time in the next three years. I'm stressed out about what decision to make and by family aren't being much help, I'm keen to knock off 2 years as time is ticking.......but am I doing the right thing? I just don't know. I also really need to get onto getting my licence but I'm not feeling too motivated right now. My interest in the future seems to have just up and disappeared. I want a future but I just can't see one.
Vanessa

Panic is a perfectly reasonable response

Well at least for me it is anyway. The closer I get to starting uni the larger my panic looms. It's great.
I want to slap myself for being so painful but I honestly can't help it I'm afraid.
I'm booked in for my first appointment with, lets call her, Dr L-I'm freaking out over that too, can I not stay locked in my room forever instead? Then I remember that I was the one who wanted out *sigh*
I'm also freaking out at going from zero to uni, my brain is most probably mush by now and what if I miss a Jesse stone episode? I realise this is an unreasonable feeling, I need to do something obviously, but I'm still worried over it. I'm also worried that my sister will find it breezy and I'll struggle-let it not be said that sibling rivalry is dead. Mind you I'm also talking about going for a weeks overseas holiday in June with her so it can't be all bad-only problem is I want to do the deep south USA and she wants to go to Vietnam. Pros for Vietnam: pretty, shorter flight Cons: hygiene (as someone with a sensitive tummy this matters), toilets (yeah I've been reading asian toilet horror stories. What?)  Pros for USA: speak english (sort of..), the food, Elvis! (we get to visit Memphis), New Orleans, toilets (umm..) Cons:  don't know, alligators maybe? Moot point anyhow those things are like pussy cats compared to a salt water croc anyhow. Clearly I'm winning this. Or not.
I think I've figured out why getting older bothers me so much: it's my identity basically. I've always been the youngest one in my class or group or whatever, I may have been too young but I've never been to old. So who am I now I'm not that person? Identity crisis's r us, that's who. Being too young has a self solving solution being too old? Not so much. And I missed out on a lot of 'young' experiences like backpacking-sure I can still go at 30 but I see just as many 'creepy 30 year old backpacker' posts as I do supportive ones and either way I'm likely to be the odd one out. Sucks. There's also the fact that I'm looking at 4 years of school during which I can't really do anything travel wise (or otherwise really)-it's going to make getting my visa before 31 a tight squeeze and then I'll be a 31 year old fresh graduate in a different country looking for a job. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success really.
I'm feeling distant from everyone (I'm curious who the people are who visit this blog but never comment), even my friends, maybe I'm projecting but I feel like everyone is bored of me or irritated at me. The only person who seems to like me is my hairdresser and she's paid. And I think she only likes me because I let her braid my hair.
I'm also considering starting a sister blog over at wordpress.....it seems more popular...what do you guys think?
Vanessa

So you're unlucky

It's official-I'm unlucky. 2 bad things happened today, one was the unexpected death of an irreplaceable animal and the other was a negative test (in this case negative is bad) on another animal that I've been waiting on for months. All this after the week form hell. I never used to believe in higher powers but I'm seriously beginning to think I've got something bad going on. It makes me sad to think this 'bad luck' or karma or whatever will just follow me wherever I go, will I ever break out out or will it just continue? Do I deserve it? Maybe I do. The people around me don't. It makes me sad. Maybe my unhappiness is from the inside.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life is destined this way what's the point? Maybe if my life is going to be unhappy for me I should try and do good for others? Maybe volunteer in Africa or India? Become a nun? If I'm being honest, if my mother wasn't here I don't know if I would be either-I couldn't bear hurting her. But then I also think how selfish that would be, my sister died in an accident, she had no choice. How selfish is it of me to wish I'd never been born? If I could swap with her I would. At least she had a life worth living. She was 27, I'll be 27 in march, I've been thinking of her and my dad a lot lately. I don't want anyone to think I'm going to do anything rash, I'm not. I'm just feeling lost, without direction-I don't know who I am or what I want or where I'm going. I find it hard to imagine anyone could ever care about me.
I have my doctors appointment tomorrow, which always makes me horribly nervous, I have the added nerves of wanting to bring up my social anxiety (or I'm actually beginning to think avoidant personality disorder) and try and get a referral to someone-I'm really worried and have no idea how to bring it up.
Anyhow things are a bit tough right now.
I bought a dress to wear on my birthday and then wondered why I did, I wonder if I'll even get to go to dinner for my birthday and I wonder if the dress could be re-worn as a date night dress one day or if it'll languish in my closet, here it is anyhow:

In other news my friend T had her baby, a little girl called I. I wish her the best.

Vanessa

Sock buns, bangs, books and burning

Hi everyone!
First off I'll start this post off with the most recent happening: what is a perfect end to an emotionally stressful day? Why a bushfire of course. You know whilst my mother, sister and niece have all gone away for a couple of days to the zoo. Yeah fucking great. So now I'm here on my own, no one let me know what was going on-I drove our little ATV out to the back block to check out the situation, lucky it's only a fairly gentle burning fire and at the moment it's headed away not towards me. But one bit of wind could change that and the water bombers stop flying after dark. It could also flare tomorrow morning. I have numerous critters to think of but the truth is we know our house in un-defendable and fires move fast so there may be no chance to move the critters. Anyway fingers crossed it'll continue to head the other way and burn slow so they can get it out. I'll let you know tomorrow what happens. It made me feel pretty disposable to be honest, that no-one even thought to let me know :(
Update as re comment below:
It's contained. And as a new first experience I was rude to someone for the first time in my life: we went up to see the fire-crew (24 hours after the fire started) and I point blank told them I was pissed they didn't let me know, they tried to fob with off and then my mum guilt tripped me for being rude and so now of course I feel like shit.
I'm so sick of feeling like every step I take is a huge ballsup. I thought I was being reasonable expecting them to let me know that a potentially life threatening situation was on my doorstep. But I was wrong. I feel like holing up in my room, cancelling uni and never leaving again. :((


Anyway this post was originally going to be about my discovery of the sock bun, yep you read that right. I've looking for a way to put up my hair for labs so there's n risk of flipping it into something questionable. I failed. Until the sock bun! It really works, keeps my hair out of the way and even looks okay. Here are some sock buns:

Which brings me to bangs. For a long time I saw people talking about their 'bangs' and I was like WTF? As it turns out bangs are a fringe.......which I have....that makes a lot more sense now :) Here are some bangs (still make me giggle):

And then I saw Queen V had posted so I went to check it out, she talked about this book: http://www.amazon.com/Never-Have-Ever-Life-Without/dp/1455544671/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1370641222&sr=8-3&keywords=never+have+i+ever

So now I need a copy of that :) Hopefully it'll be a fun read, a book by someone like me for once :)

I also bought a really overpriced dairy I loved for this coming year......now I've got a super cute functional dairy I have to stick at uni. Right?

Vanessa