Things to consider

One thing I hate about being in my situation is always having the thought in the back of my mind: will this improve or hinder my chances? Or is it status quo. Even when considering my exchange I thought of this-in the end my first choice isn't exactly suffering a man over supply but it was too pretty to pass up. Yes that's right I researched the man situation. And then felt exceedingly sulky that I was driven to do that. I'm so lame.
Also I think I'm going through some delayed teenage rebellion or something, I really want to get a nose stud......but once again I'm worried about that effecting what guys might think of me. I'm my own person dammit I shouldn't care. But I do. What do you guys think?

Vanessa

Temper, temper

My temper has taken a turn for the worse lately. I'm stressed as hell about everything-my eyebrows and eyelashes have actually started falling out, I'm not sleeping, my eyes are sore and bloodshot and I feel terrible. So I'm in a really bad mood, which my mum points out "geez you're in a bad mood!", yes, and? Am I not allowed to be in a foul mood? I'm pretty even tempered for the most part but I'm having my first self-inflicted life upheaval in around 10 years, I think I'm entitled to some moodiness. Cranky? Me?

I have to go to the doctor to renew my script which is always a rigmarole, including awkward questions and long shocked silences. I really don't need my doctor making me feel like even more of a freak.

We're heading over to the uni this friday to consult with our course conveners, my sister refuses to put my niece in childcare or let her stay at a friends for the day (not because she's opposed to these things generally but because I suggested that having a whining, nagging, temper tantrum throwing 10 year old at a university information day might be not a good idea) so that should make the whole day a misery and awkward to boot.

I'm also feeling embarrassed about asking about the student exchange and I can't quiet put my finger on why........

I hope everyone has a happier new year than me so far,
Vanessa

All I want for Christmas: Direction.

First off merry christmas everyone!
Now on to the serious stuff. I'm having some second thoughts, not about going, but about my degree choice. The bachelor of applied science in human biology has being abolished and replaced with the bachelor of Biomedical science instead-now I've done a bit of research and it seems biomed is a leg up into medicine or other allied health postgrads and with just the biomed degree you can do research (which I haven't found much info on, but I don't think I want to do that), now I don't want to do medicine so it seems to make more sense to do a bachelor in something like Environmental health/science which has good job prospects straight out (including high overseas demand) and also is a good pathway into postgrad if I want in the future......I'm not sure what to do. My mum can't really help much as she has no idea either way, my sister wants me to do the same as her so she's hardly impartial and I have no one else to ask *pulls hair out* My post on the education board has had a few replies (including someone politely pointing out that rude poster was an idiot, thank you!) mostly saying that enviro is definitely the best way to go with high demand and a good variance of fields in which to work. I guess what I really need is a career guidance person, but since I don't have one of those feel free to weigh in with your opinions please :) I'm not going to rush my decision cause I usually end up regretting it, luckily both course share a pretty similar first year so I could possibly transfer mid-year. And the there's the whole exchange confusion to top it all off. Lovely.
I'm horribly conflicted and confused about everything lately, I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere. That I should just pack it in and accept my lot. But I have a horrible stubborn streak and I don't want to. I want to look back on a life lived. I feel so far behind that I won't ever catch up :(
It makes me really moody, which my mother notices of course, I tried to explain it to her (minus the boy  thing) and it made her feel bad, like she failed me somehow, which just makes me fell worse all round-cause I'm not blaming her I just want her to understand: all I want is to normal: that's it, I don't want to be rich or famous or a rocket scientist, I just want to have fun and friends, get married, have kids, travel. But maybe that's not normal either. How many of these things do normal people actually do? I have no frame of reference at all. How many friends do 'normal' people have?
My new years resolutions is to try and be more bold, say yes more, have fun. Maybe this jacket would help:

 Anyway that's all for now, good-afternoon, good-evening  and goodnight :)

Vanessa

Y'all, the internet is a cruel place

I just had to vent this. I posted on an education forum (I've been having some second thoughts about the degree I'm thinking of doing), just a casual 'hey what do you think?' post. And I got a nasty reply. 'you never said please or thank you in your post' well no I didn't because I thought it was a given that I was asking for advice, that people reading the forum were there to give and would appreciate any given and as there was nothing to say thank you for I didn't include that either, then they went on to give me advice that made it clear they hadn't even read my post finished with 'your post was very poorly written'. Well. I'm sorry my post wasn't carefully constructed, proof read and then edited, it was just a casual friendly enquiry and I didn't realise I was being judged on it. The worst part is I should have a thick enough skin for it not to get to me, but it does and I don't know how to stop it.
I mostly consider the internet my friend, I write this blog to be read by people who are feeling alone or people who are wiser than me and wish to give advice. Which I very much appreciate. I know my posts can be disjointed and all over the place, with numerous cruelties commited to grammer along the way-but I do this as a stress reliever and having to second guess every single word kills that for me.
And as I'm not a cruel internet dweller myself, I say: Merry Christmas.
Vanessa
PS I'll post again, maybe tomorrow, with some more info about my course second thoughts.

Ugh. So many decisions so little time...or something.

I found out that our Chem 101 class films all it's lectures, so I told my sister this and lo and behold we can fit our classes in to 2 days by using the online lectures. Great right? Except now I'm kind of worried about missing the lectures in person....I mean they'll be exactly the same online (the slides are included and everything) but I just worry it'll make it too hard. We'll be attending all our tutes and pracs though so hopefully it'll be okay......I really want this to work out....cross your fingers for me please!
The other thing I'm struggling with is dependence. I don't want to be my sisters puppet. I don't want to be anybody's puppet for that matter, it's a horrible position to be in :( I'm wondering if (as I'm not working) I should try and take 3 subjects-meaning there'll be one I'll be doing completely separate from my sister, but then maybe I'd be taking on too much and trip myself up? I can of course drop the subject before census if needed.........what do you guys think?
I'm also having the thought that maybe I should cut my hair into a bob, like it'll somehow make me more professional and capable..........I have no idea where I get that feeling from. It's weird.
I'm also trying to get a firmer grip on my vision of the future and what's realistic and what's not. Is it realistic to want to study overseas or is it other people do and I never will? Will I ever get confident in social situations by myself? If I don't can I live with that? How can I live with that?
I watched a documentary of a guy who rode a horse across Mongolia to Hungary (http://www.timcopejourneys.com/page/journeys/on-the-trail-of-genghis-khan/) and I ached to do something like that, I want to have adventures and it's so frustrating that the only person stopping me is me.
Also I'm having a hard time understanding why people like baths.....it's all elbows and knees and slippery to boot.
I'd also kill for some pad thai right now....but the restaurant is an hour away......but christmas is the time to indulge yourself, right? Maybe not....
Also I'm loving this jacket, pity it's so expensive and it's, y'know summer:

Anyway that's it for now,
Vanessa
PS if you want to see something cool check out this 'average face of' link: http://justsomething.co/curious-study-calculates-the-average-female-face-for-each-country/
Cool eh?

Incel forum

The google hound strikes again! The incel forums have been down for a good while now, they may or may not be back up, but there is a new forum up-with some familiar faces-if anyone is looking:

http://yourenotalone.info/forum/index.php

I hope the information from the old site is not lost forever, that would be a pity, but I'm glad someone cared enough to start a new chapter :)
Vanessa

I hate everybody

except you. But that's conditional, are you going to be nice to me? ;)
My sister is driving me crazy. Again. Maybe one day I'll finally get used to her but I doubt it.
She now only wants to do one subject at uni. A subject I'm not doing, of course, because that is the best way to make everyones life as difficult as possible. Wouldn't want anything to be simple now. The biggest problem is this: so we do one subject for the first semester. Then what? We're behind with no hope of catching up, we've added 6-12 months to the degree and my sister has no plans to change anything in the second semester so how is she going to do more subjects then? Does she expect that the gods are just going to align so that she can work and do uni exactly when she wants? No. Sacrifices have to be made. She just doesn't want to make them. She'll complain about it after though when she's working the same job and getting the same pay. What she wants is for me to tell her to stick it, then she'll quit and blame me for her not being able to go. She's so obvious. I really don't want to give her the satisfaction but I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do now. God she makes my life hell sometimes. She's also got my mum frothing at the mouth because she's acting so entitled about everything when it's my mum whose actually doing her a favour and never the other way round-does she really not see it? Or is she just that entitled and selfish?
Vanessa

Upsetting people without meaning to?

I take things way too personally most of the time, I feel like I have to make everyone else happy and when I don't, even if I don't know them, I feel guilty and awful :( How do I stop doing that? Why do I do it? I can't please everyone all the time right? Or am I being unreasonable? I'm a classic people pleaser and it sucks. S says I need to 'think less about other people feelings and more about your own'.
I'll be writing another post soon about my sister bing awful, but I had to get this off my chest :(
Vanessa

I mostly go nude, actually

Firstly I apologise-this post is likely to be a lot less exciting then the title may at first make it appear. Sorry.
Mostly I go nude. Well my face does anyway. The only thing I put on my face with any regularity is sunblock the higher SPF the better, I'm currently using a 50 SPF powder (this one) that I like, it's transparent and so has no visible affect on my skin. Apart from protecting it from the sun one hopes anyway. Which brings me to the 'no makeup' make up look, yep you read that right, most ladies who say they don't wear much makeup or men who think a girl has no makeup on is rocking this look. It's very nice and I love it. I haven't managed it myself yet though. Here are some ladies wearing natural makeup for you to see what I'm talking about:

And then there are the girls that can make themselves up and look amazing, pulled together and polished, I don't think I'll ever master this one-for a start I have a habit of rubbing my eyes which isn't a good look if your eyes are all made-up. Here are some ladies wearing perfect polished makeup:

And then there's the actual no makeup look, this is how I mostly look, note there is a big difference between the two blondes and the brunette-the blondes look a bit 'blah' and muted whereas the brunette looks good with the higher contrast between her dark hair, light skin and pale eyes. I'm of the muted variety:

My sister is of the high contrast group, dark brown hair, light skin and bright grey eyes, I also was much less muted when once for a very brief time my hair was red. But as I'm lazy and don't like dying my hair I'm back in the muted camp.
I feel that I should be making an effort to wear makeup, that I'll get more respect if I do, but at the same time I'm pretty inept at applying it which often looks much, much worse than forgoing it altogether. Then there's also the whole if I ever go on a date will I be able to make myself look presentable? My idea of a date look is the whole natural makeup look, I imagine for a lot of girls it's the perfect polished look though, is the natural makeup look good enough? Especially as I can't wear heels which dials down the wow/feminine factor right off the bat. I don't know. Currently I'm trying to master a simple, quick natural look using BB cream and lipstain. My sister tints my lashes so I don't have to worry about mascara, which is good cause I always end up with it everywhere! Anyway onto other things.
Uni:
I'm officially enrolled in uni now, 2 subjects picked out (chem 101 and bio 101) I need to talk to my course convener before I pick out my third subject. Scary! I've actually lost some weight from all the fretting I've been doing *sigh*
Plumbing:
Somehow our pressure system (country living people, you city folk just turn on a tap!) has taken to either blasting you with either really hot or freezing cold water. Nice. Can't get it sorted till after Christmas so it's either vigilant showers (ie jumping in and out of the water depending on the temp) or baths. I vote baths. Have to be careful though as we have to keep track of our water usage as we only have rain water in tanks.
Misc:
It would also appear that the Incel forum is dead. RIP. I'll miss you.
Boys:
I haven't meet any cute dudes nor have I started internet dating yet. I did see a cute guy with amazing blonde hair though, does that count?
Matching underwear:
Is it important? I don't know.....
Sex:
James Deen is accepting applications from normal girls to film a scene with him, if I was in america I'd be sorely tempted to apply-who better to learn from than the master? I think I might be a bit too shy for him though......and if he pulled my hair I'd have to hurt him LOL. I wonder how much you guys want to know...I don't want to over-share...but I get so sick of the perception that virgins are somehow naive and prudish about sex, or have been abused or have trouble getting aroused or orgasming or are just plain 'wrong' somehow it's just not true as blanket statements mostly aren't. I'm sure some virgins are one or some or all of the above. But I'm not. I like having sex with myself, I can have multiple orgasms, I even like reading erotica, basically the only thing missing is another person. I have no romantic illusions about having sex for the first time at all, I don't need a fairytale, just someone I like who likes me and is willing to show me the ropes-it doesn't even have to be a long term thing. I think I'm pretty realistic. Pity I'm so awfully awkward in real life though. Hmmm anyway hopefully I haven't over-shared too much :)
My readers:
Having said that if any of you want to know my opinion on something or ask me a question feel free, I don't bite ;) Even if you just want to say hi feel free to leave a comment or email, I love reading them.

Vanessa

Macs and hard drives

The hard drive in my mac is dying, has been for a while, but it's really on it's way out now. Despite the fact that it's actually a recognised fault I'm not covered because I changed my email at some point before they sent out the emails telling everyone about the fault and the free replacements stopped in April *sigh* So I'll have to pay for a backup hard drive and a new drive for the actual computer. Although I like macs and they have less general problems then PC's, in my experience, the PC problems are much easier to fix on your own-and in all the years I had my mismatched PC it never burnt out the hard drive. I could buy a new HD and put it in myself but it's a bit tricky and I really can't be bothered. So to the computer doctor an hour away it goes.
Vanessa

Cranky

My niece has 6 weeks school holidays soon (!!!!) and as her mother is working it means my mother will be looking after her. She's 10. We live on a large property-she can swim. I think I'm a reasonable person. But I've been made to feel like some kind of horrible Grinch because I suggested that, you know, if she was going to watch 12 hours of mindless awful TV she might do it somewhere I'm not. Also that maybe when she's outside doing something else, or playing with the dogs, we may turn the TV off. I'm nearly positive the world won't end.
It's nearly impossible to work on my computer or think really when you have teenage girls screaming every 0.3 seconds about nothing on TV-I also really hate the blatant discrimination on these shows of anyone that's less than normal, stupid maybe but it really bothers me something fierce. Also they repeat the episodes at least 2x a day so you get to see them again and again and again. Want to know what I'm talking about? Go ahead and google iCarly or Victorious, is your brain numb yet? Don't worry there are at least another 3 shows that are nearly identical if those didn't do the trick.
I'm not anti-TV I think a few hours is great, I watch it myself, but I'm not exaggerating it goes on at 7am and doesn't turn off till 6pm when her mother picks her up. People am I being unreasonable about this?
Anyway my mother is off in a huff now so I guess I've got some peace for a little bit,
Vanessa

Paul Walker

Jesus. These sorts of things hit too close to home for me. There were 2 people in that car, 2 families will never be the same and it's going to be spread around everywhere. Someone even caught some of it one film. The poor families. The only lesson to be learned is for gods sake don't speed, always drive carefully no matter what. Oh and if I ever see anyone filming this shit on their phone they'll regret it-have some respect-the only people seeing that should be the police, not the whole world.
Vanessa

Oh woe is me

I feel like this blog is a bit of a case of woe is me. But I guess it is about the part of my life that isn't so great, so it's to be expected I guess. Still sorry for that. If this blog was about, say, the mastery of a flour-less sponge cake things would be a lot more cheerful.
Anyway I just had a bad day (a bad couple of days even), I just felt blah and had some stuff to do I didn't want to, had to listen to how my 10 year old niece is the pinnacle of civilisation to this point (or in my mothers words 'one of our family is normal! Can you believe it!) and deal with my ever reticent sister. So yeah, I just wasn't feeling it at all I'm afraid. Add to that the usual cute couple sitings, pics of the pregnant friend and just everybody's life but mine being more exciting/useful/happy it was pretty crappy. I've been also been having that 'is there any point nothing will ever change' feeling that I get sometimes-the feeling that there's no point anticipating or looking forward to anything because 1 it will likely never happen and 2 the reality is always very different to the dream-and not in a good way.
I sold a few excess animal things I had hanging around and bought a apple laptop with the proceedings, I really love it, it's meant to be for uni but I don't really know how much people use laptops at uni. Anyway it's nice and shiny and I'm sure I'll find something to use it for. I also found a really good recipe for a trifle for christmas, my mum loves them so I'll be making one for her.
I've also added these boots to my if-I-ever-get-to-Canada wish list:

I like the tall ones but the others are cute too. I'm also thinking of adding some Keds (which incidentally is also the name of a sheep parasite in england. Thank god we don't have them here!) to my shoe collection, somehow they seem like a classier version of converse.......anyhow they look nice with shorts, dresses and jeans-I think anyway:

That's it for now :)

Vanessa

Life sucks

That's it.
Vanessa

The 'Russian' look

When we went to Russia I often got mistaken for a local, people asked me for directions and I had one Russian lady try to have a chat with me in a lift (she was shocked when I told her that I was not russian 'you're sure?' she asked, well yeah actually LOL), I thought it was likely my sheepskin coat and long hair that did it-but since then whilst telling the story I've been told I've got 'that russian look' or 'that russian thing going on'. It leaves me wondering, what kind of russian look are they talking about? I mean is it the Anna Kournikova russian look? Or the Vladimir Putin russian look? So far I've been too afraid to ask. What is that russian look? No idea. 

Vanessa

PS as an interesting aside when on the metro (which is an experience in and of its self :) ) as long as we kept our mouths shut no one looked at us twice-however as soon as you spoke the whole train carriage would turn on mass to stare at you.......it was a little bit unnerving LOL 

So this is weird.

I'm influenced by the internet. I know, I know so's everyone you say. Yeah. But does it have the ability to ruin their day or change their mind? Probably not. I don't like it. I find some of the stuff I find online enlightening and uplifting, but mostly I find it confusing, off putting and depressing. The exception to this was the incel forum which seemed pretty level headed, occasionally confronting, but mostly made sense-it seems to have disappeared which is unfortunate for any new female incels just entering the internet world, if anyone has visited the forum over the last few days and it worked drop me a comment, maybe it's just me! Otherwise it's a pity for all the info on there to have disappeared-some of the forum's I've come across are so filled with hatred for women it's alarming. Some are creepy: a guy commented on his liking for younger girls, another commented 'yeah I know what you mean about liking younger girls, but I think for me 16-19 is more realistic'. That is scary. 16 to 19 is a young girl. How young are we talking? I also read comments about all women being sluts of one kind or another, how after about 16 they are sullied and 'hard'. I think they may be confusing a girl growing up and acquiring her own opinions with her being a bitch. I also read how feminism has spoiled women and how one must look at a non-feminist country to find a suitable mate. There was other stuff I read that left me reeling too but I don't want to spend too much time here rehashing it :(
I've also realised something else: my mother always looks at the bad side of everything. I don't know why it's taken me this long to figure this out but there you go. She assumes that everyone is awful or wants something unless proven otherwise, she's very suspicious of people and automatically assumes the worst case of whatever they've said even if they didn't mean it that way. She also has a way of blaming me when anything goes wrong with my friends, like for example 'K hasn't called in ages. You must have said something to her' or 'T hasn't texted, what did you do to her?' and lets be fair it takes 2 people to maintain a friendship and sometimes I'm sure I did do something but it isn't always me. Not everything that goes wrong is my fault. I hope.
I know she doesn't mean it in a vicious sense it's just how she is. But I worry it might have rubbed off on me a bit. I don't know, maybe I'm just destined to be the way I am and no amount of trying will change it.
Vanessa

For vestalis noir as promised

Here are is a pic of my hens as requested:

And if you're wondering what they're rubber necking at check out this picture, look closely:

Is that a snake you can see? Why yes, yes it is. To be more precise that is a very angry, rather large, very venomous tiger snake I almost stood on (hence the angry part) whilst trying to get a good angle for the hen pic. You're welcome ;)

I live in Australia. We have venomous snakes in our house yard. And the car shed. (and once rather memorably in the grapevine.....but that's a story for another day)

But we have windmills and pretty days too:

Also to all the north americans who freak out over our numerous poisonous spiders and snakes, I would like to point out: I can take on a spider or snake with a shovel. I'd like to see you try that with a grizzly bear. I think I've won that argument. Mind you I've never actually tried to take on a grizzly bear with a shovel.....maybe it's easier then it would at first appear?

But seriously snake vs bear? Give me the snake every time.

Vanessa

Do you have to justify dreams?

I really want to live in Canada for an extended period. If you asked me where I got the idea from or why I couldn't really tell you. I just do, it just is and has been for 3 or so years now.......probably starting around the time I meet my Dutch solo backpacker friend who's now having a baby. People change. I might change. But is it wrong to want something that has no solid reasoning or justification? I'm not the only one as the following links prove:

http://canaussie.com/

http://annasnextadventure.blogspot.com.au/

http://mademoisellemtl.canaussie.com/

http://marmitetomaple.wordpress.com/

I can't keep waiting around and daydreaming about the things I want to do. I can't wait around for someone to do them with either. It's scary but I don't want to look back and think, well, fear sure ruined my life didn't it. It's scary and it's hard and I'm sure the first part is going to worse then my comfy little comfort zone-but I can't stay here forever.

Still I sometimes feel like I'm crazy for just wanting to uproot and head off, maybe it's the thought of being a 'new' person? Or perhaps it's that being a bit odd likely won't stand out as much in a foreigner?

Whenever I start looking into it seriously or trying to plan ahead I just end up feeling a bit silly, a lot could change in the next few years-am I being sensible pinning hopes on this? What if my mum gets sick? The list goes on.

Vanessa

PS It appears the Incel forums are down again-this is weird as they were down for four days but no one commented on it......I wonder if it's just me?

Today? Today was okay.

I had an okay day today, first of all me and my sister seem to be on the same page (don't get me wrong this could change. My sister can change her mind in 0.001 seconds so nothing is ever concrete...) for the time being. I accepted both our offers and I now have my own uni student page to visit, soon we'll get students cards and we can go to a course info day in early January to organise our courses. So far we both agree that starting part-time is best after having being out of school for so long (this will delay any exchange opportunities as you have to be full time, but maybe that's a good thing-gives me more time to mentally prepare) so we're talking about signing up for 2 units: Biology 1 and chemistry 1, which are in common for both of our courses. We need to try and fit the tutorials into one day if we can so my sister can still work-but for the time being she's talking about shuffling her work to fit the course and not the other way round. I'm still slightly concerned about the work, even though my course has no math specific units I still worry about it and I know zip about chemistry. Hopefully the part-time course load will allow me to chase up any back info I need to start.
And I found this shirt that comes in a hedgehog, bunny and fox version, enough to brighten anyones day ;):

Oh and (Matt, if you're reading this cover your eyes!) tie dye converse! These are so cool:

I'm not sure if I should sort of imagine ahead and plan that yes I will go on exchange or if it's bad to do that when maybe I won't be able to? It's something I really would like to do if I can......with the first 6 months part time it wouldn't be until semester 2 2015 (seems so far away *sigh*) that I could go as you need 12 months full time study to apply. Should I go see the exchange office as soon as I start so they know I want to go if I get the chance or would that be overkill? 

So if all goes well here is the (rough!) plan:

Start uni feb 2014 part time (2 units) for 6 months

Switch to full time from mid 2014

finish first year of uni 2014 (this would be a major oh yeah! moment)

Start 2nd year of uni 2015 for 6 months, apply to go on exchange-for 12 months or maybe 6 months

spend 6-12 months on exchange, 6 months back late 2015, 12 months back mid 2016

3rd and final year (or half year) of uni!

Maybe postgrad overseas........

Anyway today was okay :)

Vanessa

PS the incel forum is back up-there for a bit I thought it might be gone for good, even though I'm still not able to post it's a good resource for those of us in this position. I particularly like 'get the f*ck out of your house' (http://incel.myonlineplace.org/forum/showthread.php?t=1221) thread, sound advice that........I'm working on it! Also 'the seven deadly sins of incel' (http://incel.myonlineplace.org/forum/showthread.php?t=6804) thread is a good read.

Well here's one for the book

My sister decided to ring the uni to find out what was going on (I won't use the language she used. I don't want to get arrested.)-what happened was: the rejection letter was sent on a glitch and as of right now I have a shiny new admission letter sitting in my inbox. Or a big red flashing danger sign in my inbox. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone about it. But I promised myself I'd be brutally honest on this blog, so there you go. I got an offer. Wether I accept it or not is another thing altogether.
It'll be hard for me academically no matter what, doable but hard. I haven't done any school work in like over 10 years. Emotionally it could be simple (if my sister accepts her offer to a different course and goes too) or hard/impossible (she doesn't....). I can see my sister's point of view, she's working and earning money and that's great! But she hates her job, she gets free rent and her partner is working fulltime-no matter how you look at it wouldn't it be better to sacrifice a tiny bit (free rent remember!) and have a qualification and job you like? To me it's a no-brainer, it's not like she's going to be homeless or have no food or not be able to afford my nieces books etc, her partner has a good job and there are many women I know who are stay at home mums in a similar situation. It's not like I'm asking her to plan a trip to greenland for $5. She's just so frustrating, this would likely benefit her more than me in the long run yet she keeps making excuses or long drawn out ridiculous plans (like maybe she should do a degree part time in the field she's in, and hates, and then do a postgrad, which will take 2 1/2 years. That's a whole 6 months less then just doing it straight up!! What am I missing?), I just feel so frustrated with her. Especially for leading me along and then changing her mind at the last minute like always. If she just f*cking got on with it and did it she'd actually get somewhere, no more whinging about the job she hates, no more competing for lower qualified jobs and more money as well.
Anyway as you can likely tell, I want to be excited and instead I'm feeling miserable I've been given an opportunity I might not be able to take.
Maybe if I buy a motorcycle jacket people will listen to me?

Vanessa
PS Oh and the incel forum has disappeared. I hope it's just a glitch and comes back, it seems like a really good community.

There's an app for that, right?

Alright, let's split this into sections:
University:
Still freaking out. Not likely to change anytime soon I'd say. Still worried about my age and the fact that I think I act a lot younger due to lack of experience. My sister is still flaky, and my mother is being all passive aggressive at her to top it all off. I'm waiting to see if I get accepted and if I do I'll start some tutoring just so I don't feel all at sea (I hope!), I've also found some free online courses which might be okay too. If I don't get accepted then I need to think about bridging courses or wether or not I want to do something else. At the moment nothing comes to mind.....although I have always wanted to learn how to crochet.....:)
Update: While I was writing this post I got an email, I didn't get into Biomedical, which to be fair I didn't think I would, despite that it always feels like a personal rejection. I hope I hear back about the Science soon, waiting is bad and I want to be able to make plans without this hanging over my head. Crochet it may be after all.
Being social:
No. I ran into an old friend from the popular group I hung out with in high school today, she's always been really nice and still is, we chatted for a bit (she works in aged care now) and I kicked myself after for being the most awkwardest awkward person ever *sigh* I'm so far behind in my social skills already and that added to my reserved nature make me fee like this one is an un-winnable fight. Oh and then I read about Phil Kessel (a hockey player) who got passed up in the draft (this is years ago) because he was 'shy' and seemed 'unlikeable', what did they want him for exactly-to play pro sport or be a movie star? That really pissed me off. People should be judged in their ability not on wether they are 'likeable' or 'shy', not everyone is a gregarious, confident extrovert and why do they have to be if that's not their job? Or maybe I'm just jealous.
Thoughts on romance:

I think a lot of people kid themselves about what compromise in a relationship is-I think compromise is agreeing to throw out a dress he really hates or go to a thai restaurant when you’d like chinese better, I get there are bigger compromises to be made of course, like he wants 10 kids and you want 1 so you compromise on 3, she wants to paint the bedroom hot pink and you want army green therefore you compromise on pale blue cause you both can live with it but I don’t think putting up with being monitored constantly or changing yourself completely is compromise and often I think people are willing to let these kinds of things slip or try to excuse them as compromise due to the stigma society places on being single-sure we say ‘better single than unhappy!’ or ‘you’re better off single than in a bad relationship’ but society does not practice what it preaches, if you are over 30 and say you left a guy because you ‘just’ weren’t happy then maybe you should have tried harder to make it work, finding a guy after 30 is hard you know! Or you’re being too fussy when you leave that guy who wants to know exactly where you are at all times because he was ‘just being protective!’, this is less of an issue for the guys (more women to choose from I guess) if he says ‘I dumped her cause she was crazy’ he’ll probably get a pat on the back-so why not extend the same courtesy to women? Of course there’s the chance that he too will be scolded for dumping Halle because ‘she was so hot! Sure she smashed all your plates, but who cares!’. You dumped a dude because he was in a dead end job and hated his life and was making yours miserable to match? You’re over 30? Good for you! You didn’t go on a second date with that girl who only seemed interested in your salary? Well done! Why should you (male or female) have to put up with verbal abuse or constant fighting or belittlement or someone who disappears for a few days and then won’t tell you where they were or just makes you generally unhappy-guess what? You shouldn’t. Tell aunt Mauve where to go next time she starts telling you ‘you should be married by now’ or ‘why didn’t you give Andrew a second chance? After all he only got arrested that one time!’.

A good example of the single stigma is Cameron Diaz, now for whatever reason by choice or otherwise, Cameron isn’t married and hasn’t had children. Go on google it. You’ll turn up results like ‘Cameron desperate for a family!’ or ‘Cameron perpetual bachelorette! Why she can’t keep a guy!’ sure maybe she is desperate for a family, maybe she is really difficult. But maybe she’s not either, maybe she just isn’t willing to settle for something that doesn’t make her happy, yet those are the headlines. You see similar ones for Jennifer Anniston, she has a boyfriend now but if the press is to believed women with babies should be careful around her as she may try to steal one.

On a side note I’d like to point out that Cameron is a beautiful women and she seems like a really nice person, yet she’s not married and she doesn’t have a family-this is heartening for those of us who think there has to be something ‘wrong’ with us because we have trouble finding partners. I don’t see a thing wrong with Cameron. It just hasn’t happened for her yet. 

I think for goal orientated people relationships can be really frustrating, they are one of the few things that no amount of hard work, practice and discipline can get you. Sure there are things you can do to skew things in your favour, like dating as much as possible, but the fact remains no amount of hard yards are going to make you click with someone, no amount of studying can create chemistry. You can’t ‘train’ to meet someone like you can train for a marathon. It’s frustrating that no matter how hard you’re willing to work there are no guarantees.

 I  also don’t believe in ‘the one’ I think there are lots of ‘the ones’ I think it’s just a matter of meeting them and hitting it off-right place, right time. Which involves a level of luck I’m not really comfortable with given the lack of it in my past. I also realise the older I get the harder it’s going to get. And I’ve yet to find a way to pause time........I’m working on it ;)

I'm also having a hard time feeling validated by myself, I keep wondering who I'm dressing for and if the things I do are as important when I don't have a partner. That I'm not as important because I've never had a partner and might never have one. Who am I living for?

Which brings me to-

Fashion:

I've realised I have multiple personalities when it comes to fashion, namely 'jeans and T-shirt' and 'Girly' (there's also I-might-get-something-gross-on-this-so-I'll-wear-stuff-with-holes-in-it but I don't count it, as its for practicality and no other reason). Here are some examples for you:

Jeans and shirt-this is me 99% of the time (although I don't think I look as cute as these girls), I don't even really have to think about it, I never wear heels or tuck my shirt in though.

And now here's Girly, which is the style I love but have trouble with.....

Now ideally I'd love to do a 50/50 split between girly and jeans, I think that's pretty realistic......maybe? It takes me a lot longer to put together a girly outfit then a jeans outfit. I'm also never sure who I'm dressing for.......I guess I'd like to be noticed just once.
Also I am loving the knee socks and boots thing-pity we're coming up for summer here.
Music:
Apart from Lana Del Rey, diet mountain dew is my favourite at the moment, I'm loving Always by Panama


Now when they bring out that app for time travel I’ll be set.....
That's it for now,
Vanessa

My sister, the flake.

So we went to the uni. It was the most terrifying experience I've had for a while. No, no one said or did anything to me. It was all me. To start there were lots of bright young things wandering around, a sure fire way to make me feel like I want to hide under a rock, to me going to somewhere like this is likely the equivalent for most people of walking through a garden that you know has several tigers in it-in a word terrifying. I felt inadequate and anxious, and that was with 2 people I know, I then got to feeling really disappointed with myself for feeling that way. Will I ever just be able to do anything like normal?
It felt sort of like these last few weeks I've been drifting along thinking that going to uni would be good for me, maybe I could go on exchange (daydreaming about the life I'd like and that maybe could finally start) but being there felt like a huge reality check, like I was being jolted back into my own world, my own body and that those things might never happened. I looked at all the other students and wondered why I'd ever get picked for an exchange anyway. It was horrible I felt self conscious and unhappy.
Then my sister started her usual let-me-make-this-as-difficult-for-everyone-as-possible song and dance, which sucks. She hates her job and wants to quit, spends everyday unhappy and most evenings complaining constantly about her life/job, yet when she gets the opportunity to change it she has to make it as hard as possible or worse still back out-she's driving my mother to distraction, and she lives with me so imagine how bad it is ;) And after yesterday I've realised how unrealistic it was of me for even thinking I could start on my own, I think after a few weeks once the dust settled I'd be okay but to start I think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But my sister is already trying to make things difficult. And it's making me feel pretty mopey as I really want to move forward but I can't rely on her not changing her mind at any moment. That's if I even get in. *sigh*
Then I looked at a few blogs and saw posts with people having fun with friends and felt even sadder.
Maybe it's not the life I'm going to ever have, which seems unfair. Oh and then my mother kindly pointed out how much more normal my sister is than me-I think she meant it in solidarity but I didn't really want to hear it.
Vanessa
Here are some hair styles I like, just to lighten this up a bit!

It's nice to be a lunatic

Yeah, I've been listening to Ian Dury (if you're wondering which song my post title comes from it's 'Hit me with your rhythm stick'.........yeah...). Don't ask.
I thought I'd flesh out my Uni course info here (as it's pretty non-specific) just to give you guys an idea of what the game plan is, at the moment anyhow:
I'm applying for, in order, 1st choice Bachelor of Biomedical science (sounds scary right? But is actually the same as a Bachelor of applied science in human biology at the uni I'm looking at), 2nd choice Bachelor of science (likely majoring in human biology) and 3rd Diploma of science (which is a stepping stone into the 2 above courses)
So that is what I've got down on my application at the moment, we're heading across tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty nervous about the whole thing.
I've had a bit of a return of the 'why me?' feeling these last few days, feeling down and worth less then other people. Wishing for the trillionth time that things were different. That I was different. Worried it'll never get any better.
I went to the hairdresser who told me I had 'a nice shaped face' and 'petite, delicate features', I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I've always thought I had quiet strong features, perhaps my perception is off, I got a bit of a shock when I saw me and my sister in a mirror at the shopping centre and realised her nose is actually bigger then mine........I never would've seen it except I just sort of glanced up and before I could even think I'd sort of noticed the difference between us. Weird.
I've also being impatiently awaiting my registration to the incel forums, none of the new members have posted so far, when I realised I had this perception that it wouldn't be a very long list of people waiting and then realised that was a silly thing to think-goes to show just how unusual we've been primed to see incel as in the general community.
I watched a documentary called 'turn me into a eunuch' this week as well, I felt very sad for one of the young men who had decided to have the procedure done, I think everyone has a right to choose what to do with their body-including castration if that's what they want, the thing that got me was this kid (he was 20) had 0 counselling or therapy before it was done-he just booked an appointment with the doctor and did it. He then regretted having done it, it's irreversible. He should never have been able to make that decision without serious therapy.
I've had a weird week.
Vanessa
PS here is my brighten up my post section. I really need to get some of these shirts.

And the kinds of things I'd wear to uni.....I've decided I'm likely the least cool person ever

Yes. No. Maybe?

So firstly I'd just like to say sorry for all my complaining. It's likely to continue.......this is the only place I talk about these things, it's a relief but I worry I'm boring people stupid, so, yeah, sorry if that's the case!
First things first: my sister is back. That didn't last long at all. It's okay, but I'm really sick of hearing about how great my niece is. That probably makes me a bad person but I can't help it.
Second: My sister wants to go back to uni. This is both good (someone I can go with to start) and bad (my sister can be really cruel to me and am I ever going to grow as a person in my big sister's shadow?). She's basically talked me into applying, which isn't a bad thing-at least I'll be moving forward, we're going across to the campus next friday to apply. We're applying for different courses but they share basically the same first year subjects which, again, is good (we can study together) and bad (again with the being cruel, just general things like 'don't you get it?' whilst eye rolling or 'shut up, no one cares what you think' or 'at least I can do x' clearly implying my lack of social skills). Theres also no way that I won't be overshadowed by her, it just is.
So about school. I'm terrified, mainly that I'll have trouble keeping up academically as I have a small base knowledge in math and science. There's a good chance as I'm mature age that I'll get into the degree directly, this scares me as I worry I won't be able to keep up without the foundations and that I won't be able to catch them up in the next three months. Then there's the social side, I probably won't fit in and I need to accept that, I'm not a friendly outgoing person-it's disappointing but a fact. There's also the fact that I'll be around a bunch of young people who will no doubt be dating whilst I watch on, wanting that but not knowing how.
On the bright side even if I make no friends and get nowhere with dating etc at least I'll be achieving something other than sitting around all day worrying over my lack of a life. And I'm excited by the possibility of going on an exchange, after all what better time to come out of my shell and get some experience than on the other side of the world?-and again if worst comes to worst it'll only be 6 or so months without my family. If I get through and graduate then there may be an opportunity to study a postgrad course in another country (Like A over at An introverts party), which could be good for me.
So I might be needing some of these things:

And if I ever get to graduate (people dress up for that right? :)) I might get to wear something like this:

 Anyway I just want to thank you guys for being my friends so far, you have no idea how much I appreciate it!

Vanessa

Realisation

I realise that this probably sounds a bit daft but in the last few days I've kind of figured out that I really have nothing to look forward to. No goals so to speak. Well apart from huge ones well off into the future. That maybe I've been obsessing about my situation (rather then it just being a part of who I am it's become who I am) to the detriment of my ability to concentrate on or achieve anything else. That's not a good place to be. So busy wondering why/what/how I've got here instead of thinking of what I could be achieving in spite of that. I read about other people achieving things, making plans and setting goals, and think, yes I could do that! But then the doubt creeps in. I hate that. I'm not exactly sure how to break out of the mind rut I'm in, I don't want to enrol at uni and not give it my best shot-I want to succeed, I don't have to be the best but I do want to pass. I worry that maybe I really am not actually able to do anything of any note, my mind too scrambled and unable to concentrate. And then there's the worry of spending time away from my family, not only are they inbuilt company but I always worry that something could happen and I'd have missed valuable time with them. I think I have a heightened sense of worry about this due to my previous losses, I know I'd be so guilty if I was off doing something and something happened. I worry about my mother having to do things on her own, despite her being perfectly capable, but what if something happens? Sure puts a damper on looking forward to an exchange. I know most kids can't wait to get away from their families, I honestly wonder if they regret that later? Do they regret not getting to know their parents as adults? Not hearing their stories? My fondest memories of my father are all his stories, I wonder if I'd gone the conventional path if I'd have been in uni when he'd died? Not got the chance to say goodbye? I don't know. Maybe it would have been better, no terrible memories of being able to do nothing to help. I don't know.
Sometimes I think I don't know anything.

Edited to add: my mother also keeps saying things like 'you could do x instead of uni' or 'it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out' or 'you can still do x if it doesn't work out' what she's trying to say is: even if you fail it'll be okay, it doesn't matter. What I hear: 'you're probably going to fail, but don't worry about it!' *sigh*
Vanessa

'Safe' people and what that means

As requested by Matt79. As it turns out this is harder to describe than I thought it would be, I think the easiest simple explanation is that safe people are to me what a favourite blanket or particular stuffed toy is to a child-security. I can go pretty much anywhere and do what I need to if I have a safe person with me, I don't need them glued by my side just the knowledge they're there and I can find them if I need to is enough. Examples of things I can do comfortably with safe people but freak me out on my own:
Going to a movie
Shopping
Going to any sports/social event (although even with a safe person crowds freak me out a bit)
Going out to eat
Traveling
Catching public transport

Actually the list is pretty hugely long, the only things I don't do with a safe person are at home (another safe place)-I quiet often spend most of my time alone at home. It's a bit like giving yourself a needle, nearly everyone is capable of doing it, nobody wants to do it and if you don't have to you avoid it as best you can, that's what doing stuff without my safe person is like. Of course if I can catch the train with a safe person it stands to reason I can do it by myself, but its an anxiety inducing thought so I avoid doing so. Worst still is the fact that even if I force myself to do it a few times it doesn't seem to make it all that much better, I'm apparently hard to desensitise. And then theres the fact that in social situations if I was as confident as I am with a safe person it'd go just as well as when I had my safe person, unfortunately I'm not so I get all nervous and say stupid things and sweat. A safe person is basically someone I trust implicitly to back me up, for example my friend K is like half a safe person, I don't trust her to back me up implicitly and sometimes she'll make a bit of fun or not want to leave when I'm uncomfortable, therefore most of our outings (few and far between) have an undercurrent of anxiety and tension from me. So it's very hard for me to imagine doing everyday things that a lot of people take for granted, I've found a lot of info on social anxiety on the net but not such a lot of info on 'safe' people-I'm assuming it's either not all that common or most people with anxiety don't have the luxury of having safe people. I think safe people might actually be a section of agoraphobia-instead of a safe place you have a safe person. I'm not entirely sure.
Hopefully that makes things a bit clearer,
Vanessa

What the hell?

My (sometimes) friend K invited me to go with her and a bunch of friends to a male stripper show. Yeah you read that right. Now I do not care if people want to pay to see other people take their clothes off-seriously knock yourself out. So I politely declined thinking that it was a perfectly reasonable answer to the question. As it turns out I was wrong about that. Everybody (and I mean everybody, I told my mum about it in a isn't-that-crazy-! type of way. She said 'you should go' um...what?) seems to think I'm crazy. Am I crazy? Maybe a little bit, but I think it's reasonable that I don't want to watch a bunch of naked dudes cavort about on a stage-it's not likely to help me personally and I doubt one of them is going to ask me out for coffee after either. Likely it'd just leave me embarrassed and out of sorts in front of K's friends who I don't know, oh and there should be ample opportunity for K to passively aggressively bring up my lack of dude experience. Or suggest I go on a reality TV show to find a husband. Again. But once again their doubts have bleed over onto me and now I'm wondering if I am indeed crazy for not going.
In other news I'm having a not so great week where I'm being forced to part with some critters I was rather attached too so I'm feeling pretty sad. And then there's the fact that I just can't seem to decide if I should apply for uni or not, I'm irritating myself with my indecision. Somedays I get excited at the thought, getting ready each day, learning things, walking around campus, hopefully meeting some new friends, the possibility of studying abroad but then I think the reality is likely to be very different and, probably, stressful not to mention tiring and I go of to mope about my lack of direction and inability to make a decision like a normal person.
Yep. So I made an outfit on polyvore instead, because I can do that and it brightens up my posts:

That's it for now,

Vanessa

Is acceptance bad or good? I can't decide.

In theory acceptance is good, right? As in, maybe I won't meet someone or get married or have kids-and thats okay, I'll be okay! But, for me, is that really acceptance or is that just trying to tell myself that to make myself feel better? And is accepting that world view akin to giving up or not? Am I as likely to try as hard if I think that way? Obviously if I truly felt that way and I never do have a relationship/get married/have children it may be easier to accept that reality then if I keep trying and still get nowhere. But then will I feel I didn't try as hard as I should have? I think if you truly feel that way soul deep then you are more likely to find someone (that kind of soul deep acceptance shows I think), but conversely I also think if it never does they'd be happier in their lives. Sometimes I truly wish I had no desire for any kind of relationship, then I'd never feel like I was missing out. Here is a blog post where I read about another persons opinion on being alone: http://tryingtofigurelife.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/being-single-and-why-thats-okay/
It's very well written and it really got me thinking about my feelings on the matter. At the moment I can honestly say I'm not okay with it, but I also wonder if having that first relationship may be more than enough to make me not want anymore........maybe I'm just missing something I've been told I should want but that, once I know what it's like, I don't really want? Or maybe it'll be worse after because I'll know what I'm missing out on. It's confusing.
Yesterday we (my mum, me and my sister) went shopping in our nearest big city, and I saw all the usual couples holding hands and cuddling and I felt the intense longing as always for that, the 'I wonder what that's like? Must be nice' type feelings (I have those same feelings about valentines day and specially thought out gifts, it must be nice for someone to think of you and buy you something just because they think you'd like it), I sometimes get a teeny bit jealous but mostly it's just longing to experience that someday. But, as always, after being amongst all those people I felt small and unimportant-like I'm somehow worth less then they are, it's a feeling I really hate but can't help but feel, that somehow with all my problems I'm a lesser person. Sometimes I feel that way about other parts of my life too, like does it really matter if I achieve something if it's just for me? Who really cares? Is my opinion worth less due to my lack of experiences? Maybe. It's sucky feeling like that all the time.
On a completely different note I'm having a bit of a love hate thing going on with Lana Del Rey at the moment-I love some of her music and feel blah at best about the rest, I love some of her style choices (see below) and I look at others and cringe. I usually either love an artist or I don't so this is new territory for me :) I'm kind of enjoying it.
Vanessa

Life experiences, expectations and age limits

This is sort of a rehash of things I've said before but in more detail. It's all a bit scrambled in my brain so I'm not sure how it'll come out on paper....
I think we all have expectations of when certain things will happen in our lives. Consciously (people with 10 years plans) and subconsciously (people who just thought 'it'll happen'), I guess I'm in the later category. When I was 16 I assumed by 19 I would've met someone. When 19 came and went I just assumed I'd meet someone by the time I was 23. When I turned 24 I went, huh maybe that won't happen on it's own.........then I thought nah they always say it happens when you least expect it. Besides I was young and I didn't have to worry yet. 25 was really a defining year, it was the most miserable birthday I could remember, suddenly I was on the clock-sure I was still young but I wasn't in the early twenties brigade anymore and I was out of the 'young and stupid' is acceptable stage. I freaked out. I've never done stupid things but I suddenly felt resentful that (even though I didn't want to) my chance to party all night, experiment and do things on a whim had disappeared. And on top of that was all information I could gather pointed to the unavoidable fact that: under 25 never had a relationship=sort of cute over 25 never had a relationship=red flag,abort!
I wanted to try and at least get my first kiss before 26 (only a decade or so late....) but as you can all guess that didn't work out. 25 was a really shitty year, I had my first up all night shivering shaking what-if-it-never-happens-for-me freak outs, I cried a bit about being so abnormal, questioned the universe: why me?, I lost weight because I wasn't interested in food and I desperately searched for likeminded souls and stories about people like me on the net. This was in some ways reassuring (I'm not the only one! And this person was x age before it happened for them) and in some ways not (everyone seems to think it's really weird. This person is x years old and it never happened for them). I've moved on now from the freak out stage, I've realised theres no point moping over what hasn't happened yet, there's no point my sitting here worrying myself silly over it-I might as well at least try and do something worthwhile in another part of life whilst I'm working on this part. Of course romantic expectations are only part of it. As a female I have to consider my age in relation to having a family, at the moment I'm not 100% set in cement sure wether I do or don't want kids (lets just say my niece is being pretty effective birth control these past few weeks...) but if I get to 35 without a partner I'll have to make the decision wether to go ahead and have a family on my own-this is not only expensive but hard as I'd have no partner nor extended family for support, apart from my mother who will be of an age where it would be unreasonable to expect her to do much. I'm sure it would be great and all but it's not what I imagined, for me or any children, I was very close with my dad and I just can't imagine not having had him in my life. I don't want to have to make that decision. Unlike my sister who scorns marriage I want to walk down the aisle one day, I want to pick out a dress and one day I'd like to pick the colours out for a nursery too. And then there are the other smaller expectations I had about what I'd have experienced by now, like road trips, solo travel, going to university and having met more adult friends. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I've not been influenced wrongly by movies and books-not everyones life is a constant movement of fun and friends. How many friends do most people really have? From some of the hobbiest forums I'm on it would seem most people are lucky to have 1 or 2 friends. And as adults we're often not that close to our friends either, we may talk once or twice a month but we're not in constant contact. Of course there are people who do have a big social circle and are in constant communication, they seem like the happiest people but not all of us are able to do that. And then there's the fact that not having a gaggle of friends seems to be another red flag amongst the dating crowd. As I get older I also notice how young everyone else is, I feel like I'm the oldest person doing any given thing, there's always some up and coming person who is super talented and together and is 20, life and praise seems to be for the under 25's once you turn 25 you're meant to no longer need praise nor reassurance apparently. But maybe I just feel that way because I missed out on all those experiences I think I should have had. I've also noticed, as is invertible I guess, that people my age are starting to get serious about relationships (I had the exact stats somewhere but I can't find them...) they start getting engaged and married, or they're living together, or they have a kid together. When you're 19-25 relationships are evolving all the time, hookups, breakups, makeups most people aren't seriously attached and it's arguably the best time to meet someone. By 26 it would seem like about 60% of people are in serious relationships, I'd only imagine it grows more and more the older you get. And then there are divorcees and stepchildren which add another complexity to an already complex situation, then chuck in someone with 0 relationship experience and the whole thing just seems impossible. There's also the fact that men in the 30-40 age range tend to date down (20-28) leaving even less interested men in the 30-40 age group for women.

I've found a couple of over 26 first experiences:
http://www.salon.com/2012/08/17/27_and_never_been_kissed/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/first-kiss-awkward-help-me-147453/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2174873/Jennifer-Nichols-I-saved-kiss-man-I-going-marry-Olympic-archer-virgin.html
http://captainawkward.com/2011/05/17/reader-question-50-im-a-27-year-old-virgin-and-im-mostly-okay-with-that-but-sometimes-i-feel-like-a-loser/

On the bright side apparently I'm a unicorn. I like unicorns. And I can still pat one. So there.
And just to brighten this post up here's a really pretty dress that I want:

Vanessa
PS Don't you hate that those % of single people stats include people who are in relationships but not married? I don't consider them single.......

The obligatory what I want in a guy post

Well not really but I thought people might be curious. I'd like to preface this with: I'd be willing to throw all of these out the window if I was feeling 'it' with someone.

My list, lets start with the basics, appearance:

Race: Don't care really. If I like you I like you.

Hair: I love curly hair. Love it, don't mind if its straight either though, I just think curly hair is cute. Blonde, black, brown, red I like them all. I like it from a couple inches long to shoulder length. Not so keen on dreads or shaved heads.

Facial hair: big no from me. I don't like beards or moustaches and don't even get me started on soul patches. I get if a guy wants to grow it out just to see what it's like or participate in movember or has a superstition to not shave during his sports finals-thats fine. If it's permanent then no thank you. I don't mind stubble at all.

Eyes: I like all eye colours. But I must admit I love pale eyes best. But not a huge factor.

Height: Taller than me. Even if by just an inch. I'm 5'6.

Body: I don't mind skinny guys (skinny nerds? Yep), fit guys (not body builders though) and normal everyday guys. I'm average weight so I tend to like a equal level from potential partners.

Tattoos: not my favourite things. A few small ones are fine, but not a huge consideration. Unless they are gang or prison tattoos.

Piercings: again I don't love them. I've never been attracted to someone with them so I can't say if I'd care or not if I was interested in someone.

Dress sense: Only huge flag here is wearing pants so low you can see their underwear. I can't stand that. Other than that I don't worry too much.

Then onto personality traits I like:
# Kind
# Funny, not a deal breaker at all but as I'm a bit quiet I like someone who can make me laugh
# Outgoing, again not a deal breaker but it does help given that I'm shy and reserved
# Faithful, goes without saying really
# Non smoker, if you do and want to quit off your own bat thats fine. But I don't want to nag you to quit, which I know I will do even if I don't want to
#Not a huge drinker, if you go out to the pub once a week okay. But having a drink every night? Not for me.
#Not a huge partier, once a month (I'm talking a big all night party or a club) is okay
#Willing to compromise, if I watch some movies you like, you'll watch some I like etc
#Non judgemental, I understand that in relationships things change and that you won't always agree/like the same things and that's fine, but if you're going to be nasty about it forget it-example you really hate that green shirt I have, nice way of asking me to get rid of it "I really don't like that green shirt, would you consider getting rid of it if I get you a new one?" versus "that green shirt is horrible. It makes you look fat/ugly/blah you should get rid of it"
#Open minded
#Drives sensibly, if you are gung-ho and stupid whilst driving forget it. My sister was killed in a car accident I don't take it lightly at all.

That's it for now I think. Am I too fussy? I don't know.

I've also made a ployvore page so you can get a rough idea of what I'm trying out style wise (I don't own all the items but it gives you an idea), check it out if you want and let me know what you think: http://alifelivedalone.polyvore.com/?filter=sets

Vanessa

Figuring it out, or even smart people do stupid things

It's that time of year when University's are having their intakes. I'm seeing the adds everywhere. I've even gone as far as to fill out an application but not send it. Why? Because a) I haven't got a clue what I'm doing and b) I'm not sure I'm up for the stress it's going to cause me.

 Let's look at a) in more detail: I haven't got a stellar educational history, mostly I remember it being miserable (up till age 13 when I left conventional school for homeschooling) and then being a mix of boring and conflict inducing (up till age 16 when I quit, and if I'm being honest I learnt diddly squat at home anyhow) and then the overwhelming relief of being free of it, who needs school anyway? I really regret that now. Really, really badly. I know of course it can be made up but it makes the whole process twice as hard and twice as daunting too. It's not just a matter of getting a copy of my high school transcripts and applying, I have to find bridging courses-and most of them are designed for people with a year 10 or 11 knowledge base, not a year 8 knowledge base-I think I had like one official science lesson for example, so I have some serious shortfalls there. I don't even know how to get where I need to be, there are no clear cut steps to follow when you've not even got year 10, even the uni admissions staff are unsure about pathways. I really don't know if I should just try and do my year 12 high school certificate (which takes 1 year and for adults has seriously limited subject options), take the bridging course and cross my fingers I can keep up (there is nothing I hate more then feeling adrift in class of others who seem to know what they're doing) or if I should head to a tutor and catch up on my science and math and then go into the bridging course. All I know is making the wrong decision delays me. Not doing anything delays me even more.

And then there's b). The mere mention of 'school' breaks me out in a cold sweat, I stress about everything. My mother frets over my perfectionism in something as simple as making a cake so you can imagine how I get when faced with an exam. Then there's the simple fact that my anxiety makes me stupid. It's hard to concentrate on anything when you're sweating buckets and wishing you were anywhere else. I have no control over this which makes me even more anxious the next time in anticipation and so on and so forth-a vicious circle if ever there was one. Then there'e the general 'where-will-I-sit-at-lunch-who-will-sit-next-to-me-in-class-will-anyone-do-this-team-assignment-with-me' teenage anxiety which never goes away. And then there's the new shiny OMG-will-I-be-the-oldest-person-here anxiety! Then there's my mothers expectations, the 'your smart you'll be fine' attitude further exacerbated by the fact that as a child I had my IQ tested and it was well above average (I wonder now what kind of drugs the tester was on. I don't feel smart) and that my father was really, really smart. Like scary smart. He topped the state in biology and got a full scholarship to the best medical school in the country (incidentally he hated it and quit after 2 years, he couldn't stand dissecting bodies), so people assume I'm like my father. I am. Sort off, but I'm not as smart as that. I'm very good at practical things (Need help changing your cars battery? No problem!) not so much academic stuff. A lot of the reason for that is that my mind bounces around constantly making it hard to absorb anything much (I also have a nasty habit of 'spacing out' or daydreaming)-around the time my IQ was tested I was also diagnosed with ADHD, my mum decided not to put me on medication and I understand her decision but I do wonder what might've been different if she had-I don't know if it's followed me to adulthood and, if it has, what to do about it.

Then there's other considerations: Given my age am I wasting valuable time that I should be using to try and improve myself socially and find a partner? I bet this likely isn't even a thought for most people or very far down the list if it is. Is it worth missing out on my opportunity to travel on a working visa (up to age 30) for 2 years? What if I don't even get to go on exchange?
Added to all that is the fact I don't even know what I want to do at university. Physiotherapist? Dietician? Geologist? Archaeologist? Anthropologist? Eh I don't know.......maybe I'll go back to bed.....;)
Vanessa
PS I discovered today that there is great controversy surrounding going braless (incidentally I stumbled upon this after googling what bras to wear with backless dresses, in case I ever get one), I never realised going braless was so polarising! Nipples are apparently a weapon of mass destruction. And if men think they're excluded they'd be wrong. No nipples should be had. I find this both hilarious (erm...hello we all have them! They really aren't that exciting.) and also irritating-why do these people get to decide if nipples or free breasts (under clothes! But wait what about breast feeding mothers? Without clothes too!) are allowed? I mean some places it's obviously inappropriate, like at a funeral, but just generally? Who cares. I won't faint if I see some guys nipples through his shirt or I see a women feeding her baby. I think if I do ever get that backless dress I'll wear it braless-why not?

What a mess

Well things just went south here. So let me explain: My sister and Ben bought a dog together, he was a small little foxy cross called Cam, my sister loved him and after she died Ben took extra special care of him. I'm pretty sure he loves that dog more than anything. Cam died this afternoon aged 19. Ben rang my mum and is very upset, he wants to bury Cam in the Cemetery near my sister-which is fine. He wants us all to come-not so fine. I realise he needs the comfort, and albeit it makes me feel like a real bitch, I'm feeling a bit emotionally unstable lately myself and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with having to see everyone upset and offering comfort. I'm sure Ben is looking for someone to be close and be a comfort, but I don't think it would be right for me to be that person. I feel so bad. And I hate people seeing me cry but if anyone else cries I will too and I hate that. I want to keep my grieving to myself, which probably makes me seem stone cold to others but it's how I am. But I'll probably end up crying and I hate that. I don't like to visit the cemetery and see my dad and sisters graves, I like to remember them as they were, it leaves me in a funk for days. I also think my mum thinks I'm unsympathetic, which is not true, but she doesn't know what happened. So basically I feel like the worst sort of person, like I don't deserve to be part of my family. I thought about texting Ben to tell him I was sorry about Cam, but I think that might be counterproductive, and I'll be seeing him tomorrow anyway. I've been trying to ring S but no luck. God maybe I just am that awful of a person, I hate myself right now.
Vanessa

Why I'm not dating right now

I just want to start this post by saying that I realise that it's my own well...reticence? Maybe?....that is in some ways stopping me, I just want to preface with that as I'm sure some of this won't make sense to some people.
Alrighty, reasons I'm not dating:

1. I've never dated before. I haven't a clue where to start. What do I wear? Where do we go? Worst of all what do I talk about? I suck at small talk. How do I know if I want to see someone again? What if they like me but I don't like them? Or visa versa? I mean I get that that happens all the time but it's still gotta be an emotional strain. What if rumours are spread about me being a weird awkward person? Hence ruining any future chances I might have. What if I happen to accidentally agree to meet someone who I know in real life? Only happens if online dating of course.

2.I live in an area that's a 35 minute drive to the nearest town (where everyone knows everyone) or more likely an hours drive to the nearest big city. This is difficult as I don't drive. I could ask them to pick me up, but that seems unfair to me and then there's the fact that I'd have to explain to my mother. Um no thankyou. Ditto if I ask her for a lift.

3. Joining online dating means I have to put pics of myself on the net. I hate pics of myself for a start but worse what if someone I know sees them? Or even worse someone my mum knows. Also there are so many rules with pics, they mustn't be selfies, or just you face, or without friends or with friends-so confusing! What if I get no interest? What if I get all the wrong kind of interest? How do I tell if it's safe to meet someone? What if they want to talk on the phone first? I'll never get anywhere if thats the case, my phone manner is shocking.

4. Fear. Probably the biggest one. What if I try and fail? At least as it is I can still conceivably think it could work fine because I haven't tried. This is really counter productive obviously. Being scared to meet somebody, anybody new, it's hard to explain how much this freaks me out, I'd love to just snap my fingers and get over it but I can't. And hanging out with someone who's terrified of you likely isn't going to be a good time.

5. The fear it may actually work. That I'll have to account for myself to someone. That I'll have to explain to my mum and family that I have a boyfriend, I cringe just thinking of it. That they will/won't want to get married when I do. That they'll want kids straight away or not at all. That they won't like the way I dress or cook or whatever.

6. I edited the post to add these 2 that I forgot: Fear of admitting my inexperience (I've never even kissed someone), what should I do? Makeup a story? Like I haven't kissed anyone since I was 16 so don't expect me to be any good! Be honest? Say nothing? And if I get called out then what? It's embarrassing to think about having to admit this to someone.

7. If I do finally get to that all important point how will I feel? Will I be good enough? Will they like my body? Will they enjoy teaching me? Will I be comfortable exposing myself like that to someone?

So as I said it may not make a whole lotta sense. But there it is.
Vanessa
PS Is it just me or is the blogasphere being pretty quiet lately?

Photoshopped? Probably.

I thought I had a pretty good grasp of photoshopping, we all know magazines do it and not to believe everything we see......but I didn't have a grasp of just how much things are photoshopped. Literally every single thing in celeb pics is photoshopped, hair, teeth, eyes, skin, elbows, knees, legs, waist, boobs....just wow...I never realised! I mean I knew they 'touched up' pics up but I didn't know they changed everything. And not just that but a lot of the selfies and fitspiration pics are heavily photoshopped too. Average people photo shop their pics! Why? It just makes us all want something that, actually, doesn't exist. Take Victoria Secret models, beautiful women who are near perfect. Do you know they photoshop the hell out of them? Even when they are near perfect to begin with? And even worse-they photoshop TV and movies too! So nothing you're seeing is as is. I remember seeing the foreign version of The girl with the dragon tattoo and being amazed at how the actors had pores and fine lines and one of the lady actors had a little belly when she took her top off.......she still looked incredible but real too. Then I watched the hollywood version and realised just how much they edit the hell outa everything, unneeded I think, I like to see real people-what about you? Anyhow check out http://www.pinterest.com/indyink/dont-compare-yourself-to-celebrities/ to see just how much they edit things-I'm sure you'll be surprised, I was.
Vanessa

3 times I had a crush + 1 time someone had a crush on me

This is kind of an awkward post to write, mainly because it's a bit embarrassing but also because the time lines might be a tiny bit out........it's really hard to remember wether you were 12 or 13 more than 10 years on :)
Anyway here it is:
Henry:
Henry went to school with me, he along with one other boy and about 3 girls made up the 'popular group' that I was for one time in my whole life part of. He had auburn red hair, freckles and an average build, he was super smart and also the class clown, I liked him quiet a bit and we got along pretty well. As a matter of fact he asked me out twice but both times I was so terrified I said no (keeping in mind I was 12) and he ended up dating Kim instead. Looking back Henry's interest in me was the end of my stint in the popular group, as Kim ejected me soon thereafter, I realise now she was probably feeling a bit threatened by me. It was all for nothing anyhow as Henry moved away about 3 months later, the damage was done for me by then unfortunately. I tried to look Henry up on facebook but had no luck- probably for the best anyway.
Ted:
Ted was my friends friend, I didn't know him at all, my friend Kate and I had a joint 16th birthday party (I invited one person, she invited about 6 I think, so it was small), so he just turned up. He was tall and skinny with jet black hair and blue eyes, he was quiet but friendly enough-I felt attracted to him straight away. In hindsight that was really stupid, Kate had invited him and if I'd thought a bit I'd have realised she was interested in him. Anyhow this ended up with the three of us crashed in my bed along with everyone else asleep on the floor, when Ted and Kate thought everyone else was asleep they had a heart to heart (which, painfully, included a rejection of me, Kate said she thought I liked Ted and Ted said yeah but I don't want her I want you-I know he meant nothing by it but it still stung), which I heard all of and I also got to hear my friend get her first kiss-I wanted to bolt but I didn't want to wreck her moment so I sucked it up and kept quiet. So that one was mostly my own fault.
Aiden:
Aiden was a French backpacker who stayed with us for a couple weeks with his French mate. He was only a touch taller than me, had curly brown hair and brown eyes, he was outgoing and very friendly. His friend was objectively much more attractive but I was drawn in by his personality, and he wasn't hard on the eyes either. It was a fun 2 weeks of teaching them about Australia and laughing about the mishaps translating French to English and vice versa, along with a rather heated argument about how to cook Bolognese correctly LOL But he had a girl friend back home so it went no where. I think he felt it too though because I got a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye and no one else did. I felt quiet relieved at that point, I was 24 and beginning to think I may never be attracted to anyone again! I remember it fondly :)
Ben:
Now this is complicated. I'll never roll my eyes at a bold and beautiful plot line again ;) Ben was my eldest sisters boyfriend, the first time I met him I was about 12 I think, I liked him okay but he was always temperamental and stubborn about the silliest things. And he had a huge temper-I won't go into it here but some things he did will never be forgiven by me. He's also is a keen hunter, I know how to use a gun and I will only if I have to (an animal is in great pain) or I'm in danger (an aggressive dog trying attack me), I tried hunting once and I just felt so sad about shooting a fox (even though foxes are introduced and damage the environment), it just didn't sit right with me and I will not go hunting again. When my sister was killed they'd been together 9 years, it was a tumultuous relationship and I'm sure if it hadn't been for the fact that my sister was a real sweetheart it would've ended ages ago. He was devastated by her death, as we all were. He never really moved on at all and has been single ever since, he's a part of the family so we'd see him every few months, see how he was doing, he came to christmas a few times as he's not that close with his own family, he really loved my father and was very upset when he died. We all comforted each other then. When my mum went away on holiday last year for 3 weeks he came by to check on me and help me out with some chores, it was nothing out of the ordinary at all. He's also a bit computer illiterate so I helped sort out his laptop and went shopping with him for a ipod and iphone, I was happy to help and we got along well. Somewhere in there we decided to go to a couple of sporting events, which was casual and fun, we watched some movies and played some video games-I never one flirted or tried to impress him (unless daggy PJs are actually impressive), so I just thought we were friends. Looking back I can see he was sort of acting a bit strange (when I said I might go away to uni he said he'd miss me, just stuff like that. I had 0 experience so I had no idea) and finally one day after he'd dropped in for a visit he texted me and told me he had feelings for me. Thank god my mum wasn't home. I went into an epic meltdown complete with tears, I felt like this was all my fault and had no idea what to do. I didn't feel that way, to me he'll always be my big sisters boyfriend, he's 13 years older than me (I'd actually once stupidly thought if I ever did get married he might give me away, so you can see how badly my world view was upset by this). I also think he had me a bit confused with my sister. A very dangerous thing. So I called my friend who told me to keep it friendly but distant, so that's what I did, I still feel bad about it and I hope I didn't hurt his feelings too badly. At the same time I feel a bit resentful that it'll always be awkward whenever I see him from now on. We haven't gone anywhere as friends since and I haven't gotten a text for a few months-which I feel both glad and guilty about, but he talks to my mum and sister so I know he's doing okay. I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him again just yet, but maybe I'll never be? IDK. The only people who know are me, him and my wise yoda friend S-and, well, you guys :))
Anyway that's it for now,
Vanessa